I smiled as I snuggled into the fluffy comforter.
I'd solve all the world's problems tomorrow.
Chapter 5
Bright morning sunlight poured through the window and singed my half-shut eyeballs. I rolled over with a grumpy moan only to come face-to-balls with Fabio.
"Is there a reason your scrotum is in my face?" I spat as I sat up quickly and moved to the other side of the bed.
"Gooooood morning to youuuuu too," Fabio said as he stretched his skinny kitty frame.
"It's not a good morning and where the hell did you go last night?"
"I had a feeew errands to run and theeen I wasssss checking the area for femaaaale cats," he informed me.
"And did you find any?" I asked, even though it was a question I had no desire to have answered.
"Niiiiine." He was positively giddy and I was positively nauseous.
All the things I considered saying were so foul and rude, I actually held my tongue for a full ten seconds.
"Well, I hope you used protection. The last thing we need is a bunch of little ball-licking Fabios running around," I muttered.
I rolled out of bed and landed in a pile of the most fabulous clothes and shoes I'd ever seen.
"Oh my Goddess," I squealed. "Are these for me?"
"Do youuuuu liiike?" he asked excitedly.
"Oh my hell, I love!"
There had to be at least six pairs of low rise Max Midnight jeans and a Max mini skirt. Loads of camisoles, sheer tops, vintage t-shirts and gorgeous cashmere sweaters with the price tags still on them exploded out of designer bags.
And the shoes… platform Pradas and kick ass motorcycle boots. I was in heaven. Not to mention the cat hadn't skimped on the undergarments either. Fleur of England panties, thongs and bras in every color imaginable. If the feline kept this up I might end up loving him after all. Shallow? Yes, but at the moment I didn't care.
"You did this for me?"
"I want you to be haaaappy, and you are sooooo pretttty you deserve loooovely things," he said quietly.
His words hit me hard. I sat back and stared with dismay at the beautiful clothes.
"I don't deserve any of this. You seem to have forgotten I smooshed you with a car. I've been shitty to you while you insist on being nice. It makes me feel horrid."
I fingered a camel-colored cashmere sweater longingly, but I knew what I had to do. I dropped my head between my knees and gulped in air so I didn't puke. Doing the right thing sucked ass. Big time.
"Take them all back. I'll just wear the clothes I have on," I gasped out in pain.
"Noooo can doooo," Fabio said as he whipped up a little magic and all the price tags disappeared from the garments. "The taaags are gone and I peeeeed on the receipt. Smeeeelllls awful. You willl have to keep these things or I will get arrrrrrrrrested."
"Did you steal them?" I asked, watching him closely.
"Not exxxactly," he hedged. "I'm juuust unsure if the credit card I used was cooompletely legal."
"Wait." I shook my head and tried to figure this out. "Did you go to a store as a cat and buy this stuff?"
"Um, no. I speeellled a woman in Paris and she bought them for meeeeee," he explained as if it was the most logical thing in the world.
"You went to freakin' Paris last night? How in the hell did you get to Paris and back? Not to mention the little fact you defiled nine cats in eight hours?"
He was so full of shit.
"I transsssported."
"Familiars can't transport without their witches." I raised my eyebrows and waited for his next line of crap.
"I caaaaaaan."
I narrowed my eyes and stared him down. What kind of familiar was he? Was he even a familiar at all?
Did he gain super powers when he came back from the dead?
Was he a spy for Bundtcake Yaga?
Should I pursue this line of thinking or did I enjoy my windfall?
Goddess, decisions were hard. I sucked in another huge breath and made my choice. I was absolutely positive it was the wrong choice, but I decided to stand by it.
"Because I don't want you to get arrested I will keep the clothes. I'd like to go on record and say I don't buy your story, but I will be bitchier than normal if I have to wear the same outfit for a month. So again, I am keeping the clothes for your safety."
"Woooonderful," he purred and rubbed his stubbly little head along my arm. "Gooooo and shower. I will whiiiiip up some breakfaaast."
"Ooookay," I said as I grabbed some barely-there undies, jeans and a t-shirt and made my way to the bathroom. He was going to have limited supplies considering all we had was ice cream, frozen pizza and canned spaghetti. "Good luck with that."
***
"Hey Fabio, I am lookin' good today," I sang as I ran down the stairs in my new fabu ensemble. I still felt a little bad about keeping the clothes, but one glance in the mirror and I shoved that guilt to the compartment in my head I called "denial".
The smell of bacon and eggs wafted from the kitchen. Craptastic, did he rob a grocery store too? We were going to have to talk. Magic was one thing, but bad credit cards were another.
"Cooooome and eattttttttt," he yelled from the kitchen.
We'd talk later. My stomach was empty and my mouth was watering.
"Dude, I…" I stopped short and stared in shock. Seated around the table and eating off of china were my zoo friends. WTF? The skunk, bear, deer, beaver, mamma raccoon and baby raccoon all slurped happily from plates. This was so not happening.
"Um...no. This is not good. Animals do not sit at the table and eat bacon and eggs."
"And paaaancakes," Fabio added.
"Not helping, cat. We'll discuss where you got the ingredients later," I snapped as I tried to pull the bear out of his chair. I wondered briefly if Fabio had gone back to the grocery and if Hot Ass Guy had been there. No time to think about sex when I had a fuzzy menagerie in my kitchen. The damn bear had to weigh five hundred pounds and was going nowhere fast.
What was I thinking? And why wasn't I afraid of these intruders?
They all started yipping at once. I pinched the bridge of my nose and exhaled a loud breath. My body started to glow. I knew I was seconds away from incinerating the house. Worst of all, I was almost positive I was hearing actual words amidst the noise.
"Enough," I shouted and sat down next to the bear. "You guys are supposed to live in the fucking wild," I explained. "Not in my house."
I noticed I'd missed a few wounds on the bear and beaver. Maybe if I fixed them all up they would go.
"You're noooot being veeery hospitable," Fabio chastised me.
I groaned and banged my head on the table. "Okay, here's the deal. Finish your breakfast and then I'll do a little voodoo on your wounds and then you'll leave. And if any of you even chip a piece of china I will shove it up your ass. Understood?"
They all nodded happily and went back to their meals. Fucked up had just become my new normal.
"Uh ohhhhhh, I smell old laaaaady crouch," Fabio hissed.
"What?" I choked out as a large piece of pancake lodged in my throat. "You know what old lady crouch is?"
"Doesn't everyoooone?" he asked.
He was definitely my cat.
"Is it here?" I sniffed the air as I stood and started yanking animals from their chairs.
"Incooooooming. I'd say about ten minutes till shooowdown."
"Shit," I shouted. "You dudes need to skedaddle."
"Zeeeelda, they're injured. Weeee can't put them out," the damn cat reasoned.
He was correct and I was an ass. I had no clue why, but I didn't want Baba Yogo and her entourage to see a National Geographic show in Aunt Hildy's kitchen. They already thought I was partially unhinged. This would prove it. "You all will hide in the…"
"Baaaasement?" Fabio volunteered.
"Yes, the basement. Follow me."
Hustling the zoo to the basement took approximately three minutes. The bastards could move and they seemed to
know their way. They all grabbed blankets and pillows and went to cages.
"Um, you guys don't have to get into those things. You can just hang out and you know, play or something. Quietly," I added.
They either didn't understand, which I found hard to believe, or they were just ignoring me. Whatever. If they wanted to sleep in the kennels who was I to complain? Everyone laid down and snuggled into their blankets except the bear—who squatted.
No freakin' way. I marched over to his cage and got up in his face. "This is not the woods and you are not going to take a shit. Do you understand me?"
He shrugged, grunted and flopped onto his back. If he took a dump he was going to eat it. Period.
"I'll be back as soon as I get rid of Baba Yomamma and her warlock buddies. Stay here and don't make noise."
I ran back to the kitchen to clean up the evidence of the breakfast, but Fabio was two steps ahead of me. He'd cleaned the kitchen and was now cleaning his nuts. I looked away and let him have at it. He did warn me so I supposed he deserved a little cleansing time.
"Hello, Zelda," Baba Yaga purred as she and her idiot cronies appeared in a cloud of crouch smoke.
"Baba Yaga," I muttered and gave her a quick hug. She was sporting a sparkly green spandex body suit and a blue sequined headband. Someday I was going to have to do a style intervention, but today was not that day. Her eyes roved over me and my stomach clenched in terror. Crap, I was wearing designer duds. "I didn't do it," I shouted frantically. "Fabio thought I looked shitty in orange, which I do, and he wanted me to have something decent to wear so he went to Paris and…"
"Your familiar went to Paris without you?" a little crinkly warlock demanded in a nasty tone. "Impossible."
"He did," I insisted. I was not going back to jail for a crime I didn't commit. "I'm guessing since he rose from the dead, he's developed wondrous, mindboggling, kick ass super powers. "
Everyone looked over at my cat who was getting down on his balls.
"And clearly a need for squeaky-clean genitals," I mumbled as the entourage gaped in disgust.
Fabio, uncaring that his grooming was being watched, looked up, yawned and coughed up a mother of a hairball. I couldn't have been prouder if he was my own child. The gasps and appalled huffs were music to my ears. I knew Baba and her bunch weren't long for my house. My cat was awesome.
"Well, Zelda, he's quite a charmer," Baba Yaga noted dryly. She tossed her hair, which she'd had cut into a heinous mullet right out of the 80's as she wandered the room and examined the knickknacks. "Have you noticed anything unusual here?"
"Um… define unusual."
She eyed me critically and then gently began to pet a very happy Fabio. "You tell me. Anything odd? Ghosts? Attacks? Waves of strange magic? Fairies or Vampires? Love?"
"No. Nothing like that," I answered, relieved. Crap, was that what was coming? And how exactly did love fit into that fucked-up mix? "Is that what my mission involves?"
"I certainly hope not," she said as she rounded up the arrogant warlocks to make her always dramatic exit. "You seem to be doing well. I shall leave you to your duties."
"Wait," I shouted. Everyone froze and tense magic swirled through the room. Yelling at three-hundred-year-old witches and warlocks clearly wasn't the norm. "Do you want to give me any hints?"
Baba Yaga approached me and I shrank a little. What kind of idiot was I? Baba Yogicrazy could turn me into a goo pile with a flick of her pinkie. She placed her manicured hand on my face and looked me right in the eye. "You will be fine, Zelda. I believe in you."
With that she puffed away and left me more confused than ever. She believed in me? She was smoking crack. No one believed in me. Not even me.
"Sheeeeee is an odd oooone," Fabio volunteered.
"What was that about?" I asked. "That visit was totally random. I still don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do. If I get turned back into a mortal because no one gave me a direction sheet I will be…"
"Aaangry?"
"Worse," I said as I searched for the appropriate word.
"Pissssssed?" Fabio guessed.
"Closer," I muttered. "But not quite strong enough."
"Fuuuuucking furious enough tooooo take the wooorld by its balllllls and twist until it screeeamms uncle or explooodes?"
I was speechless for seven seconds while I processed what my cat had just offered up. "Yes. That is correct. Thank you."
"Noooo problem."
"Ooookay, on that note I'm going to the basement to fix up some hairy freaks and then kick their asses out. You want to come?" I asked Fabio.
"Nooooooo, I'll let youuuu handle it on youur oooown."
Chapter 6
I expected the bear to have pooped a mountain and all hell to have broken loose in the basement. I was wrong—so very wrong. For a brief moment I considered screaming, then I contemplated transporting the hell out of West Virginia. Finally I weighed how stupid it would be to blow up the house and call it a day. In the end curiosity won out.
"Um, where is my zoo and who in the hell are you naked people?" The cages were now filled with two stark naked women, three nude men and a beautiful little boy who couldn't have been more than four. And they all started talking at once.
I was able to make out the words Hildy, new one, Shifter wars and I have to go to the can. They were Shifters? What in the hell did Shifters want with me?
"Shut up!" I shouted. They went silent and waited. "One at a time you will tell me your name and what happened to you—then I will hold a short press conference to either answer your questions truthfully or lie if I don't know the answer. I will then attempt to do a little magic juju on you to fix up your booboos, and you will all go home to your pack or tribe or gaggle. Clear?"
"My name is Chuck," the now human bear said in a deep gravelly voice. "I really have to take a crap and would greatly appreciate the use of your facilities. Now."
"What happened to you?" I asked as I ransacked the bins of clothes and threw him the largest pair of pants I could find. The dude was freakin' huge and seriously good looking. He had to be at least seven feet tall.
"Turf war with the panthers. Bathroom?" he grunted.
"Upstairs on the left. If you clog the toilet I'll smite your ass."
"Got it," he said as he took the stairs three at a time.
"You." I pointed at what used to be the beaver as I tossed him some clothes. He was short and muscular and had a hairline that started right above his nose. That was unfortunate and I wondered if he'd ever thought about electrolysis. "Story."
"My name is Bob," he said in a soft voice. That would be easy to remember… Bob the beaver. "My shoal was attacked by coyotes and my alpha was killed. We are scattered in caves and gullies along the river. I need healing and then I need to get back to my people. Please."
"Um… sure," I said. Bob beamed and dropped to his knees in gratitude. "Let me just get everyone's names and then I'll, you know, give you a tune up. Cool?"
He nodded and got to his feet.
"My name is Deedee," the very naked and very pretty deer shifter told me. Her huge hazel eyes filled with tears as she went on. "My herd has been dwindling for a while and my mate was killed by mortal hunters for sport. We hid and buried his body, but we are relocating. I am wounded and unable to make the trip. That is why I am here, your grace."
"It's Zelda," I corrected her.
"She was bestowing you with a complimentary title to butter you up," a wiry little dude sporting a shock of black hair with a white stripe down the middle informed me.
"Yes, well, I am not grace or graceful or even all that nice, so Zelda will do," I snapped, a little embarrassed that the honor flew right over my head. "You're the skunk."
"Yes." He grinned and I had to bite back a giggle. He was cute and bizarre and if he didn't blow stinkbombs out of his butt, we could have been friends. "My name is Simon and I'm not actually injured at all. I was just ensuring a safe passage for Wanda and BoboBabyBoy."
"Mm
mmkay."
I glanced over at what I assumed was the mother raccoon and her baby. Damn it to hell he was cute, but what a name.
"I'm sorry, what's his name?" I asked, sure I'd misunderstood.
"It's BoboBabyBoy," Wanda said as she stroked the small, beautiful child's hair.
"Is that all one word?"
"Yes, of course." She smiled and nodded.
Switching Hour Page 4