"Wow, you do realize he's going to get his ass kicked in school with a name like that."
"BoboBabyBoy is an alpha," she explained, as if that negated the most redonkulous name I'd ever heard.
"That's great and all, but he's still going to get his butt handed to him at least three times a week and six times on the weekends," I told her.
Wanda's eyes grew wide and she pulled BoboBabyBoy close. She was seconds away from bursting into tears. Fuck, I needed to learn tact, but feared it was far too late for me to develop any social skills.
"What's his real name?" I asked, praying to the Goddess it wasn't BoboBabyBoy.
"Beauregard."
Damn… not much better. "Why don't you call him Bo? It's strong and no one will want a piece of a raccoon alpha named Bo." At least I didn't think they would.
Wanda glanced around at the other Shifters who nodded in agreement. "Do you think that would work?" she asked me, still clutching the boy to her.
"I do."
"Then we shall call him Bo." She leaned down and kissed and hugged the little boy lovingly. I felt a burning pang of jealously settle in my gut. My mother had barely touched me. Ever.
Turning away from something I couldn't relate to, I got back to the matter at hand.
"Do you have a plunger?" Chuck the bear called from the top of the stairs.
"Are you serious?" I shouted. He was now my enemy. It didn't matter how handsome he was.
"Nahhhhh." He laughed as he loped back to the group. "Just screwing with ya."
I rolled my eyes and took in the motley crew. They were injured and they looked weak and tired. "I'm guessing my Aunt Hildy used to fix you hairy bastards up?"
"She was the Shifter Whisperer," Deedee said reverently. "And now you are."
"Nope, I'm just here for a month, so I don't get put back in the pokey or turned into a mortal. I am not the Shifter Whipper."
"Whisperer," Little Bo said in an adorable voice.
I wanted to squeeze him. Hard.
"Whipper, whisperer, whatever… it's not me. I'm a materialistic witch who isn't even crazy about animals. Sooooo I am not your gal."
"This is the new Shifter Whisperer?" Bob demanded in a disgusted voice. "Worthless," he muttered under his breath.
"Bob, while I kind of understand your disappointment, if you're an assbucket I won't heal you and I might even lower your hair line by an inch or two."
I smiled and hopped up on the metal table. Bob the beaver gasped and moved behind Chuck the bear.
"Now line up and get ready to be zapped."
Quickly they all began to strip out of the clothes I'd just given them. WTF? As soon as they were in the buff they all shifted back to their animal form except for Simon the buttbomb maker.
"Is there a reason we need to be in zoo form for healing?" I asked the one uninjured member of the fur pack.
"Oh yes, you'll be able to communicate much better with them in their shifted forms," Simon explained and hopped up on the table next to me.
"And more importantly, is there a reason you're buck ass naked?"
I stared at the ceiling and prayed I didn't accidentally on purpose smite all the annoying species in my basement.
"Whoops." He giggled and re-dressed himself.
"Who's first?" I asked as I rolled my neck and popped my knuckles. I could do this. Healing had always come easily to me. I tended not to let people know because I didn't want to have to deal with it. My mom couldn't heal a flea and I spent most of my childhood fixing her every ache and pain. Did this make her love me? No. Would I do it over? Probably. Pathetic and in need of a mommy didn't make for well-adjusted adults.
Deedee the deer stepped forward and stared at me intently. Her head swung gracefully from left to right and her eyes never left mine for a moment.
"What the hell is she doing?" I asked Simon.
"Talking to you. Listen."
"I already told you dumbasses I am not the Shifter Whisperer. I am Zelda the slightly unstable and selfish witch. You're going to have to interpret for her or we're all up shit's creek."
"Listen," Simon insisted. "Open your pea brain and listen."
"You're a dick," I told him. "I said I was selfish, not stupid."
"My bad. Listen. Please."
I rolled my eyes and closed them. These Shifters were nuts. They were asking me to be someone I wasn't.
I listened.
Nothing.
I listened harder.
Nothing.
"I can't do this," I said. "I don't hear anything. I'm sorry."
The group looked at me in confusion. I shrugged and got up to leave. I was sick and tired of being a disappointment to everyone. Maybe being a mortal was the answer.
"You're her niece," Simon said. "You have her blood."
"Who? Hildy?" I stopped and turned back. "I don't know if I'm really her niece. I didn't even know she existed till the other day. There is no proof. None. I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have the wrong gal."
"No," Simon yelled, startling me. "You look just like her and we feel your magic. You. Are. The. Shifter. Whisperer."
"No," I shot back. "I. Am. Zelda. The. Fuck. Up."
I was done. I didn't even care if Baba Yaga sent me back to the pokey. I didn't glance back as I made my way to the stairs. I couldn't. I'd find Fabio a witch that would be good to him and overlook his crotch goblin habit. I'd drive the ugly green piece of crap right back to Salem, check myself back into jail and wait for Halloween and my mortal status. I would mope and watch TV. Good plan.
"You really are the Shifter Whisperer. You have to believe… we do," a female voice implored.
I jerked to a stop and whipped around. "Who said that?" I demanded, looking around for a woman not in furry form.
"I did," DeeDee the damn deer said. "And you heard me."
I did. I didn't want to, but I did. They all knew it evidenced by the hopping around and peeing on the walls.
"Absolutely not," I yelled at Chuck, who had peed on the wall and looked suspiciously like he was going to add a dump to that. "Yes, I heard you, but if you defecate in my house I will ignore all of you. Permanently."
The ruckus stopped and the animals shivered in anticipation. Fuckityfuckfuck, now what was I supposed to do?
"My injuries are in my front left leg," DeeDee told me. It was odd. Her mouth didn't move like Fabio's did when he spoke. It was like a weird mindmeld thing. Very Star Trek. "I think it's fractured."
"I thought Shifters could heal themselves," I said to Simon as I ran my hand through my hair nervously.
"She has already healed herself substantially. She has nothing left and that's where you come in," he said as he bowed to me.
"Don't do that," I snapped. "It makes me uncomfortable." What if I couldn't do it?
"As you wish." He grinned and winked. I was beginning to really like the skunk.
I squatted down and examined DeeDee's leg. Sure enough, it jutted out the wrong way. Small pieces of sharp bone covered in dried blood protruded through her light brown fur. Magic took me without my calling it up. It was alarming, but I went with it. It was warm and swirled around me stronger than it ever had. Lavender sparks crackled and bounced around. My hair flew around my head and I laughed—with joy. Nothing had ever felt so right.
I gently touched her leg and I went from elated to shocked so quickly I fell backward. Her leg healed, but there was a price. A burning shot of pain exploded through my own leg that mimicked the area of her injury. Shit. The heat eased, but I was a little wary to find out where everyone else was injured...especially Chuck.
"Well, that sucked," I said as I massaged my leg. "Chuck, if you're having bowel problems you are shit out of luck for a healing. Pun intended."
"My wound is on my shoulder. There is a bullet lodged deep," he said as he showed me the hole. "If you would remove the bullet I will be on my way."
"Can I just reach in and pull it out?" I asked Simon. I knew I might puke, but it would s
ave my shoulder a world of pain if I could fix Chuck without magic.
"Nope," Simon informed me, way too happily for my pleasure.
He was a sick bastard.
"Fine," I ground out. "Chuck, sit. You're too damned tall for me to reach you standing. And I mean sit—not squat."
I heard Chuck's laughter rumble around in my head as he plopped down on the floor. Again, the magic came up unbidden as soon as I touched him… and again it hurt like a motherfucker. Maybe Hildy hadn't died. Maybe she got sick of being in excruciating pain all the time and just took off. They never did find a body.
"Next," I gasped as the bullet popped out of Chuck's shoulder. Better to get it all over fast before I chickened out.
Bob had a partially cut artery and Wanda had broken paws and her femur was cracked. It was getting difficult to breathe or even see straight, but Baby Bo was still waiting.
"I can do one more," I told them. "Come here, little guy."
He scampered over and curled up in my lap. My heart grew three sizes like the freakin' Grinch as I nuzzled his slightly stinky fur.
"My head hurts," he said. "It hurts so bad, Zelda."
Blood still slowly seeped from a long gash at the base of his little skull and my inside clenched in fury. He was just a little boy.
"What happened to him?" I demanded.
"He was attacked by honey badgers and thrown against a tree," Simon said quietly. A very pale and now healed Wanda shifted back to human and sat next to me on the floor. All of the animals had shifted back and were dressing themselves as they watched.
"What the hell is wrong with you Shifters? Why would anyone attack a child?"
"Territory," Chuck grunted in disgust. "When Hildy was killed her magic left the area and all the species are vying for territory."
"Is this entire town Shifters?" I asked as I absently rubbed little Bo's soft tummy.
"Yes," DeeDee offered. "Mortals may stop in town, but they never stay. We have made it as unappealing as possible."
"Your grocery store sucks," I said as an image of Hot Ass Guy popped back into my brain. I wondered if he was a Shifter or a mortal passing through.
"Go to the back of the store and through the supply door. That's where all the good food is kept." Bob let me in on the secret. "There is a whole store within the store."
"Tell Fabio that. He's the one with the bad credit cards and the need to shop for food."
"Will do," Bob said.
"All right, I don't suppose I'll know what's going on inside of Bo until I touch his wound. Back up guys, I have a feeling this one is bad."
I was right.
But I had no idea how right I was.
Baby Bo had a brain injury with internal bleeding. The rocket blast of searing pain that crunched my brain was indescribable. I gasped for air as I tried to let my magic flow from my body to his. His large brown eyes held mine as tears seeped from them.
If I ever came across a honey badger I would smite it dead so fast it wouldn't know what hit him. Bursts of color exploded in my head and I knew I shook like a leaf. I could hold on for a little bit longer. All I needed was to feel the click… hang on—just hang on.
The click came slowly. I'd healed the baby.
I tried to smile afterward, but it formed on my face like a pained grimace. My entire body ached. I vaguely heard cheering in the distance, but my body was behaving like it was in quicksand. I attempted to stand, but the room was spinning and I floated above myself. I tried to explain that this job wasn't going to work out for me. However, it sounded like mushy Martian, even to my own ears. The wide-eyed and worried looks on the faces of my patients concerned me a bit, but at least I was done.
And then everything went black.
Chapter 7
My mouth tasted like rank sandpaper and I'd never had to pee so badly in my life. However, the main problem was prying my eyes open. They were stuck.
"Is sheeeeeee awake?" Fabio asked frantically.
"She's waking up," Simon burst out with relieved excitement. "Wanda, go and get some water and some broth. Quickly."
"Pizza," I mumbled. "I want pizza and a half Coke, half diet Coke. I'm living on the edge."
"I'm on it," Wanda said.
I heard footsteps race from the room, but my damn eyes were still cemented shut.
"Zeeeeelda, I think I lost four liiiives in the past twooooo weeks worrying about youuuuuuuuuuu."
Two weeks? I'd been out for two weeks? No wonder my mouth tasted like butt.
"Pee. I have to pee. Now." I pried my eyes open with my fingers and immediately shut them again because the light in the room gave me a mini migraine. "Help me to the bathroom and do not get in the vicinity of my mouth. You will die."
"I've got her," Simon said as he carefully led me across the room and into the bathroom.
"Out," I instructed as I began peeling my clothes from my body. "I am going to pee for twenty-seven minutes, and then I'm going to shower for forty-two minutes, followed by scrubbing my teeth for sixty-one minutes. After that I will come out. If you could get me some clean clothes, you can have my first child if I ever get over my fear of commitment. Deal?"
"Deal." Simon laughed as he shut the door behind him.
I was shaky, but the pee, shower and brush were so satisfying, I made it work. Had I really been out for two weeks? Shit. It was getting closer to Halloween and I still had no real clue what I was doing here.
I made my way back to my bedroom dressed in a fabu Max Midnight mini, a tight chocolate camisole and a killer pair of Prada flats that Fabio must have stolen while I was out of commission. At least I looked good. Plus I would no longer asphyxiate someone with my breath.
"So," I said as I greeted my audience that consisted of Fabio, Simon, Wanda and a happy and healthy little Bo. "I've been out for two weeks?"
"Yes," Bo said as he threw his tiny body at mine and hugged my leg as if his life depended on it.
"I do believe," I said as I stared pointedly at Simon, "that this proves I am not the Shifter Whopper."
"Whisperer," Bo corrected me sweetly.
"Right. Anyhoo, I think you guys might want to put an ad on Craigslist or get the word out that you need a healer who is into sadomasochism because that shit hurt."
Concerned glances passed between all the occupants in the room except for me.
"Iiiiit won't always be that baaaaad," Fabio purred as he rubbed himself on my legs that I'd just expertly shaved.
"And you know this how?" I narrowed my eyes at him and waited.
The little bastard huffed out a put-upon sigh and glanced longingly at his balls.
"If you even peek at your nuts again before you answer me I will magically remove them," I warned.
I seated myself and grabbed a hot slice of pizza Wanda had made. Goddess, it tasted good.
"I knoooooow this because I kneeew that woman Hildy when she started. Each time sheeeeee healed others, it took less tolllllll and she became more powerful."
The more powerful thing was appealing because I was alarmingly shallow, but I wasn't sure I believed the pain would ever lessen.
"I'm not entirely buying that shit, Fabio. And there is far more to that story," I told him as wolfed down a second slice. "All I know is my magic ass is grass if I don't find my mission and solve it."
"Have you considered this may be your mission?" Simon inquired casually.
"Nope. I was not meant to live with Shifters in Assjacket, West Virginia for the rest of my life. I mean, you people don't even have a mall, much less a Target. I'm not into pain and I don't have a TV."
"Yes, you do! A humongous one," Bo said. "I've been watching cartoons for two weeks straight."
One issue solved. "Whatever. I'm not the one you need."
"But you're the one we want," Wanda said quietly. "Hildy was wonderful, but you… you're a little crazy. In a good way," she added quickly.
An unlady-like snort escaped my lips. "You want a crazy witch who doesn't like animals to
be your Shifter Whoosher?"
"Yes, Zelda, we do," Bo said with a huge smile on his face. He was missing his two front teeth. I had to look away it was so damn cute.
"Where are Chuck, Bob and DeeDee?" I asked as I sipped my icy cold soda.
"They left after you healed them, but they've checked in daily. Actually Chuck is downstairs," Simon answered as he handed me a third slice. He was a sly one.
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