‘I thought you were coming to the agency this afternoon?’
Damn. ‘I’m going to have to reschedule. It’s a situation that cropped up overnight.’ OK, sounding weaker now. He’d turned his PDA off—for all he knew the factory could have gone up in flames and frankly he wouldn’t have cared. In those moments in her arms, the rest of the world disappeared. Hell, he needed to get perspective back—like now.
Three hours later he was away from her—in the air with some wintry freedom his destination. But for once the bird’s eye view of the Southern Alps didn’t thrill him. The snow-laden peaks looked fearsomely clean and cold against the blue sky but he barely noticed them. Tearing his focus off the constant contemplation of Amanda seemed impossible.
The plan for Colin’s move was well under way and he was happy with how it was panning out. It would keep Amanda in Auckland and keep the old boy safe. Things could continue as they were for as long as he wanted.
But the discomfort nagged and he mentally put his exit plans in place. When it was over he could get the bills for Colin processed at work so he wouldn’t need to see or know any details at all. There wouldn’t have to be any direct contact. She could be cut from his life quite easily.
Good.
He walked into his home, waiting for the relief to hit—that feeling of freedom that came as he breathed the crisp air and saw the huge sky and the magnificent mountain backdrop.
But it didn’t come. Instead he wondered what she was doing. Walking around his house, he felt the ache of emptiness. He turned—was that a footstep?
He wished.
He wanted to see her walk into the room. Wanted her to experience the beauty of it with him. He’d stand at the window with her and take her as they watched the sun’s rays traverse the snowy ranges…
Oh, for crying out loud! He broke into a run. Ridiculous, mooning around like a teen struck by his first case of calf love. Adolescent hormones run rampant. He grabbed his boots and board and chucked them in the back of the car. Physical activity—adrenalin—for the couple of remaining hours of light he’d work his body into fatigue.
But his brain he couldn’t shut down.
Snow, speed, sweat—he went faster, further. But it was as if, the more he tried to escape, the more insistent the thoughts of her became. She was so far in his brain and his body craved hers as if she were a deadly narcotic.
In the end he flew back earlier than he’d planned and drove straight to her place. As he thudded up her stairs his anger grew yet more. He hated the fact that she lived in such a dive but he didn’t want her to live with him, damn it. And he didn’t want to be missing her when he’d gone to his bolt hole. He didn’t want to want her all the time like this.
He banged on the door and called out to let her know it was him.
The expression on her face when she opened it was pure frozen politeness.
‘How were your meetings?’ she asked. Too polite. Too finishing school. ‘Are your clients as good at snowboarding as you?’
So she knew.
The mask fell and fire flashed from her eyes. ‘I rang your office to get some info for Grandfather’s forms. Your mobile was switched off and your PA said you were out of range for a few days. “He won’t be back from Queenstown ’til Thursday.”’ she parroted. ‘But it’s only Tuesday. What happened Jared?’
‘It didn’t work out the way I wanted.’
‘What didn’t? Your precious time out?’
His muscles simmered, ready to flex and fight—but he kept them in check, sensing her body was stretched on an even tighter wire.
‘Why lie?’
‘I didn’t want to offend you,’ he trod carefully.
‘Why would it offend me? So you wanted some space. You’re a free man, Jared.’
True. So why did he feel this guilt, then? ‘I did have some meetings.’ He fell on the back foot. ‘Video conference.’
‘Just so long as there is no woman there.’
He froze, the comment knocking the breath from him. How the hell could she think that?
She stood with her legs wide, blocking the doorway, all female aggression. She’d have no hope of stopping him if he really wanted to get into her room, but there was that edge that made him pause. The frisson of danger emanating from her—as if she were perilously close to a precipice and he had no desire to push her from it. Not when he still wanted her so badly.
‘There is no woman, is there, Jared?’
‘You know there isn’t.’ Only her. Only the ghost of her following him every bloody where. And the thought of being with another woman made him feel sick—a fact that made his muscles bunch with even more anger.
‘Do I?’ she countered. ‘I only know what little you choose to tell me.’
There was nothing he could say to that.
‘And it would seem that even that might not be the truth.’ Her chin tilted. ‘Exclusivity wasn’t something we discussed at the start of this.’
‘You don’t leave any time or energy for anyone else and you know it.’ He leaned closer. ‘Let me in.’
‘No.’ She wouldn’t look him in the eye. ‘It’s not convenient now. I wasn’t expecting you back ’til Thursday.’ Her voice grew huskier. ‘I have other plans.’
So he was being punished. And she was as much of a liar as he was. But he moved forward fast, curling his hand round her neck before she could back away or shut the door on him. The kiss was deep as he let her feel his hunger for her, but it wasn’t nearly enough. He lifted his head and simply looked at her, watching for the moment. It happened gratifyingly quickly. She exhaled, leaned that fraction closer, mouth soft and parting, willing.
And then he pushed away. Punishing both of them. ‘Have fun.’
Amanda cursed as she leaned against the door and jammed her fingers into fists to stop herself running after him like the lovesick fool she was.
Who was she kidding?
That show of bravado and defiance had been nothing but the smoke of an illusionist and it had taken nothing for him to blow it away. She couldn’t hold out, couldn’t possibly compete with him for control. But why should he be the one to hold all the cards?
On Wednesday there was nothing. No call, no text, no email. She found out that the information the rest home needed had been faxed from his office directly.
On Thursday she caked on the make-up to hide the dark circles under her eyes. Even so Bronwyn frowned at her. ‘You look awful.’
‘I’ve not been sleeping well.’ At all in fact.
‘Go home early.’
She shook her head. Work was a distraction. She needed something to occupy her body and mind for as much time as possible and in chasing that aim stayed chained to her desk well beyond closing. By the time she got home the streetlights were on and the scent of ten different dinners hung in the hallway.
Jared was leaning on the wall next to her door.
Her feet stopped without her instruction.
‘I’m back,’ he drawled, with eyes dark and fathomless.
She said nothing, couldn’t come up with even the smallest barb in defence—there was only the mad acceleration of her heart and the fierce throb as blood poured into her most secret, sensual places. For that moment nothing mattered but getting what she needed. He shut the door behind them and she turned to face him.
It was like that first kiss of old—hard and angry and full of passion. Violent need burst through both of them, enhancing their strength and speed. But he broke away, breathing hard. She pulled him back, tender lips begging for more.
‘I’m hurting you,’ he resisted.
‘You’re not.’ And she took him, mouth bruising, hands moving to get what she wanted. He took a step back but she followed, pushing him right up against the bed and then onto it. Straddling him, she pulled her panties aside and impaled herself in one fast movement.
‘Amanda.’ He sucked in a shocked breath. ‘Are you OK?’
She sighed—a breathy half-laugh of amuseme
nt, and sublime sensual fulfilment. ‘Never better.’
A gleam grew in the depths of his dark brown eyes. ‘This is how you want it?’
‘For now.’
He chuckled, a low, sexier-than-hell sound that should have warned her. She felt his muscles ripple and flex. And then, with fearsome self-control, he worked her up to ecstasy, beyond and back again. Until she understood entirely—while she might be on top, he still called all the shots.
Jared could admit it now. The last two days had been hell and merely proved that this thing wasn’t over between them. In fact there was more to it that needed addressing. He listened to her breathing slow as he stroked the damp from her cooling skin.
‘I’m sorry. I should have been more honest about where and why I was going away.’
There was no audible response, but he felt her body tense just that tiniest bit under his fingers.
‘I like the mountains,’ he tried to explain. ‘They’re relaxing.’ Usually.
‘Have you been feeling tense?’
‘A bit.’ Massively. Still was. His body was on constant alert, ready to go into battle—protect and defend mode. It was ridiculous.
He tried to relax again. Made her take it slower this time, wanting to wring out the last of the sexual tension from her body as well as his own.
It worked only momentarily.
Rampant, unrelenting desire.
Jared cradled her once more as she recovered, her body half on his in the narrow bed of her hideous room. Places like these were rented on a week-by-week basis. Princess Amanda shouldn’t be living in such a dump with scary transient neighbours. Even if she did bolt the door. But he had a solution.
His heart thudded in his chest and he swallowed.
‘There’s a vacant apartment in the building two along from mine,’ he said. It was less than a three-minute walk.
‘Are you thinking of moving?’
‘No.’ He cleared his throat. ‘But I think you should.’
‘I can’t afford to move,’ she said lazily. ‘Things will get better now that I’m not going south all the time and don’t have to pay for these extra meds for Grandfather, but it’ll take a while for me to save bond and extra rent.’
‘Why don’t I rent it for you?’
‘Pardon?’
‘I’ll take the lease. You just move in.’
They could be close. Accessible. He could be with her when he needed her, and have his space the rest of the time. He could maintain that distance that was so crucial. But she’d be there for him. He’d know she was there.
His muscles were taut, waiting for her answer. It was the closest he’d ever come to claiming a woman—to offering her a permanent place in his life.
‘You’re saying you’ll set me up in my own apartment?’
‘We could be together but…’
‘Not be together.’
He let her go as she pushed up on his chest. Her tone hadn’t exactly been thrilled.
‘I thought this was just for a wee while,’ she said, looking into his face.
‘It’s…ah…’ He broke from her gaze. ‘It’s taking longer…’
She nodded slowly. ‘And what happens when we do eventually reach our conclusion? Am I out on the street? Given forty-eight hours’ notice or what?’
‘Amanda—’
‘No, I want to know. What is it you’re wanting from me in return? Just sex? A specific number of times a week? Do we commit to dinner dates as well or is it just what happens in the apartment? Do we draw up a written contract? Six nights of sex for a bed and a roof. Dinner on a blowjob-by-blowjob basis?’
‘Amanda, don’t be—’
‘No, Jared. Don’t you,’ she said harshly. ‘Don’t you make it worse.’
‘Make what worse? I want you to—’
‘I suggest you think about what it is you really want,’ she interrupted again. ‘And why you want it. Then come back to me. Then we’ll talk.’
‘You’re taking this all wrong.’
‘Am I? You want me to be some sort of mistress, Jared? Some kind of exclusive whore?’
‘Don’t talk like that.’
‘Like what? Honestly?’
‘All I want is to see you set up in a place better than this. This isn’t safe.’
‘Oh, right.’ She stood up from the bed and took the sheet with her. ‘So it’s all about me. This is for my benefit. Well, how generous of you, Jared. First Grandfather and now me. I understand you owe him. How is it you owe me?’
‘This isn’t about deals or debts.’ He sat up, uncaring of his nudity, just frustrated and failing to see her problem.
‘No? Then what is it about?’
He fell silent.
‘Like I say, Jared. Think about what you want and what you’ve just done. Is it an offer or an insult?’
‘The offer is there. It’s up to you.’
‘I’ll think about it.’ She took the three paces to get as far from him as possible in the room. ‘But right now I want you to leave. This is my little hovel and I need some space. I don’t have the luxury lodge in Queenstown to escape to. I want my room to myself.’
He yanked on his jeans. ‘You are such a woman.’
‘As woman as you can get.’
‘You insist on twisting things round.’ He jerked his shirt over his head.
‘I’m not twisting anything, Jared. I’m calling it as I see it.’
‘Well, you see it wrong.’ He glared, hands on hips, wanting to shake her. Why the hell couldn’t she see how her moving would benefit both of them?
‘Get out, Jared.’
He reached into his pocket and retrieved his car key, held it up in front of her. ‘I’m leaving this for you. You’ll need it tomorrow.’
She wanted to refuse. It was written all over her face and in her rigid stance. She wanted to refuse everything he offered—bar the occasional use of his body.
‘I’m leaving it.’ He tossed it across the room; it landed on her stripped-back bed. ‘Do what you like with it.’
The door slammed behind him and then he heard the bolt shoot home.
Chapter Fourteen
AMANDA sat on the plane, staring out of the window at the beautiful snow-capped mountains—the spine of the South Island. That was what she needed—a spine. How else was she going to manage Jared?
Every cell felt hurt and it was easier to think worse of him. Whipping up her anger to block the depth of pain pressing into her ribs. How could he? How dared he treat her like that? But she knew the outrage was futile.
He could. He had. He did. And he would some more.
Ride roughshod over her. He did what he wanted, went for what he wanted with no thought of the impact on other people. Well, that wasn’t strictly true, she acknowledged; he’d thought she’d be pleased—that she’d want to be set up at his beck and call like that. It only highlighted the fact that what they wanted from each other was so drastically different.
But she had such a weakness for him. Saying no for ever seemed impossible. Somehow she had to get away. But that felt impossible too. She still wanted him. She longed for him with a fierce need that had never diminished through the course of time—only intensified. But she had to break it, couldn’t let her feelings for him control her life like that. If she moved for him, she’d be on edge all the time expecting the end. And she couldn’t make do with second best.
If only he hadn’t mentioned it, if they’d continued as they were for a while longer—maybe she could have handled that? She could have kept her hope—deluded herself into thinking more might happen…
But for him to be contemplating some kind of permanent quasi-relationship? That he planned for them to be together but not truly be together for however long he liked? That she couldn’t stomach.
She pushed her head harder back into the headrest as she admitted she couldn’t actually stomach either of those options. She couldn’t be his kept woman, but nor could she ever be satisfied with an ongoing fling
. She was a fool to even think it.
She wanted more. Truthfully she’d always wanted more. She wanted it all—the commitment, the vows, the kids.
He never would.
She shifted again in her seat, recrossing her legs for the zillionth time.
‘Don’t be anxious. It’ll be fine.’ The nurse travelling with her from the new rest home smiled at her over her cup of tea.
‘I’m not a very good flier.’ Amanda felt compelled to offer an explanation. ‘Take-off and landing is the worst but I don’t really relax on board at all.’
‘Lots of people feel that way.’ The nurse nodded.
Truth was she’d been so preoccupied with Jared she’d hardly noticed the plane take off. He seemed to have cured her of that anxiety—by being a far greater source of stress himself.
She’d sat on her bed all night and waited for the dark sky to lighten. Driving in his car—his scent subtly surrounding her…her anger hadn’t gone, but was more muted and the pain had pierced as the true meaning of his offer crystallised.
To be some kind of mistress? She couldn’t imagine a life more lonely than to have only a tenth of the man she wanted everything of. To be compartmentalised in his life so completely. Only to warm his bed on the nights he was cold.
He was ice all through.
She was in love with him. She’d been in love with him for years. But what he was offering wasn’t enough—too little, too painful. The fact he’d offered such an arrangement hurt enough already. Yet the proof that he was so emotionless, that he could seriously contemplate such a soulless scheme, didn’t destroy her love for him. It made her heart ache for him as well as for herself. He’d been so broken, had so little trust in relationships. She could only hope that there was someone out there who might help him to be whole one day.
But she wasn’t that person.
‘Your grandfather will settle in quickly. We’ve got a lot of experience in dealing with patients like him.’
Amanda nodded, blinking to stop the tears from falling, and guilt rolled in like clouds in a sudden squall. She was awful—she should be thinking about her grandfather instead of Jared. Her mission today was far more important. She suppressed the wretchedness with a huge effort, tried to blink the scratchiness from her eyes.
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