Highland Awakening

by Jennifer Haymore

  “Come in!” Sarah’s voice was gay, which was a small miracle, considering the fact that she was so advanced in pregnancy that every move she made looked completely miserable.

  Esme opened the door. When Sarah saw her face, her bright expression faded, turning to concern. She took two lumbering steps toward Esme. “Oh no, Esme. What’s wrong? What happened?”

  Esme swallowed hard. “I’m leaving London, Sarah. Will you help me?”

  Chapter 24

  Esme stepped out into the perfectly manicured grounds of Ironwood Park, her brother’s ducal seat in the Cotswolds. The grounds were lovely this time of year, bright and fragrant with blooms.

  She’d been here for a week. It had been quiet, with all the family in residence in London and just a skeleton staff remaining in the country. The silence had given Esme plenty of time to think, but her thinking hadn’t resolved anything.

  She missed Cam. She loved him so much. But the way he’d manipulated her life—more than once—was inexcusable. If there was one thing she’d learned since meeting the man, it was that she wanted to live her life on her terms. She’d thought, with his acceptance of her writing, that Cam might be a good partner for that. But she’d been wrong. He’d manipulated her as thoroughly as everyone else, if not more. She’d simply been so besotted with him she hadn’t been able to see through his pretense.

  She stopped at a bench on the banks of the river that wound through the back acres of the property. Sarah had told her that she and Trent had first found each other on that bench, which made it a special place to Esme. A place where magic had happened for Trent and Sarah. Esme had returned several times, but so far no magic had happened for her here.

  She pulled out the letter from Sarah she’d received the day after she’d arrived at Ironwood Park.

  Dearest Esme,

  Mr. M_____ has been coming by every day requesting to see you, but since you asked us not to speak to him, we have refrained from telling him where you are. I know you might not want to hear this, but I fear you will eventually have to face him, if for nothing else than to explain yourself. I believe he suspects that you’re aware of his secret, but he isn’t sure, and I can tell he is struggling greatly with not knowing for certain what caused your disappearance.

  Perhaps it would be best to simply write him a letter. But of course I understand if you’re not ready to do so.

  All is well here at Trent House. No sign of the babe yet, but we are all growing anxious to meet Lukas and Theo’s little brother or sister.

  We love you dearly. Take as much time as you need, dear. We’ll be here for you when you return.

  All my love,

  Sarah

  Simply write him a letter.

  Esme sighed. What would she say in a letter? Her words would sound angry and vindictive. She didn’t know how she could possibly sound otherwise. How would anger and vindictiveness help the situation? It wouldn’t.

  Cam had twice proven himself to be manipulative and conniving. She wasn’t sure how she could change her mind about him now. It was too late for him.

  Yes, she’d eventually have to tell him why she’d left London. But not yet. The pain was too raw, too overwhelming. She needed time.

  She continued her circuit of the grounds and wandered back toward the house, where she found Ironwood Park’s housekeeper, Mrs. Hope, waiting for her on the back-door landing. “Ah, there you are, my lady. You’ve a visitor.”

  Esme stopped short with a gasp. No. She couldn’t face him now. She wasn’t ready. She hadn’t gathered her strength.

  “It is a lady,” Mrs. Hope continued, and much of Esme’s tension melted away, but that was just a breath of relief before the housekeeper added, “She says her name is Miss Anna McLeod.”

  Cam’s sister. What on earth was she doing here? Had he sent her?

  “I…” She looked down at her simple day dress, smudged by loose dirt near the hem. She wasn’t ready for visitors. Especially strangers. And yet…if her appearance was too shocking to Anna McLeod, what did it matter?

  Straightening her spine, she nodded. “All right. Take me to her.”

  They walked in silence through the vast, tiled Stone Room at the back of the house, past the immense Greek statue of the Laocoön, and down a long corridor to the parlor.

  A young woman, dark-haired and tall like her brother, rose as Esme opened the door. Esme stepped forward cautiously, unsure as usual in the presence of a stranger, her palms going clammy and her heart pumping anxiety through her veins. She realized her hands were clenched at her sides and forcibly unclenched them.

  Breathe. Breathe.

  “Thank you so much for seeing me, milady.” Anna’s voice was lightly accented with a Scottish lilt, less pronounced than Cam’s. Esme remembered Cam saying that she had spent very little time in Scotland.

  “Of course, Miss McLeod,” she said. Then she recalled what she should say now. “Please do sit down. Would you like some tea?”

  “Thank you, no. I just…er…” Anna seemed to fumble about for a moment. The action reminded Esme of herself, casting about for something to say in the presence of a stranger. “Please, call me Anna.”

  Esme nodded, and Anna sank into a chair. Esme sat stiffly in the chair across from her, squeezing her hands in her lap. The two women sized each other up. Anna was very pretty—slender and tall and graceful. She had light blue eyes—the same shade as Cam’s—and wore a simple yellow muslin that suited her coloring. But she had shadows behind her eyes and the slightest slump to her shoulders. She was a woman who might have been a great beauty had she been given the opportunity—and the confidence.

  Finally, Anna swallowed. “I’m so sorry to bother you—”

  Esme couldn’t bear the suspense any longer. “Did Cam send you?”

  Anna jerked back as if Esme’s words were a slap to her chest. “Er…nay.”

  Esme hadn’t expected that answer. “Oh. Does he know you’re here?”

  “Nay.”

  “Then why have you come?”

  She was being impolite, she realized vaguely, but that didn’t seem to matter so much in this circumstance, with this woman.

  Anna took a deep breath. “Last week, my brother came to my house as I was preparing to attend your nuptials. He said that you called off the wedding.”

  Esme straightened, gazing evenly at Cam’s sister. Her nerves had dissipated, for some reason. It didn’t matter if this woman didn’t like her, or felt she was awkward or impolite. None of it mattered. Esme could be herself, and it wouldn’t make one whit of difference.

  It was a freeing thought—one she’d never had before in the presence of a stranger of her class.

  “That’s right,” she said.

  “I know why you did that. And…” Anna glanced down at her lap then up to Esme again. “I understand it. My brother is a fool.” She rose abruptly, wringing her hands. “I’m so sorry, I cannot sit. Not when Cam has botched up his life so terribly, and when I’m facing the only woman who has the power to bring him happiness or ruin. Yet, I don’t know you, milady, and I don’t know the depths of your anger and scorn for my brother. But I need to do something—I need to try, because Cam is so wretched, and he loves you so. He just doesn’t know how to love—”

  “Wait!” Esme held up her hand. “Stop. I’m confused.”

  Anna, who’d been facing away from her, spun around and frowned at her. “What? Why?” She slapped a palm to her forehead. “Oh, I’m bungling this, aren’t I? I’m just so nervous, and I ramble incessantly when I’m nervous. Please forgive me, milady, I—”

  “Please,” Esme said, “just wait a moment.”

  Anna stopped, her chest heaving, and waited.

  “Did you say he loves me?”

  Anna tilted her head, her brows drawing together in confusion. “Aye.”

  “Are you certain of that?”

  “Aye, of course I am. I have never seen him like this. I have never seen any man so besotted, so heartsick—�
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  “Are you absolutely certain?”

  Anna’s face crumpled into lines of compassion. “Oh. Oh, milady. Please, don’t believe for a moment that he is anything but madly, irrevocably in love with you.”

  “Why would a man lie to and manipulate someone he loves?” Esme said. She should be melting at Anna’s words, and yet they twisted inside her, inciting not only confusion, but anger as well. “It makes no sense. He can’t love me.”

  “That’s just it. Cam loves you, but he’s never experienced love before. He doesn’t have the faintest idea of how it works. He doesn’t know what it looks like, how it feels. He’s never been in love before now. He’s terribly frightened by these powerful feelings he has.”

  “How can you know this?” Esme asked.

  “He’s my brother,” Anna said. “We’ve always been close. We had to be, in our house. My brothers and I shared almost everything. Now Cam tells me most everything, and what he doesn’t tell me, I can deduce. For example, he wouldn’t tell me what he’d done to upset you so. I had to pull it from him, bit by bit, and work out the rest for myself.”

  “So he’s aware I know the truth about his deception?”

  “Aye, he knows it. Or, he realizes that’s what it must be.” Anna practically threw herself into the chair opposite Esme again. “Please, milady. Give my brother another chance.”

  “Oh. Lord.” Esme lowered her head into her hands.

  “He didn’t mean to hurt you. He doesn’t think, the addle-brained fool!”

  “He didn’t mean to hurt me?” Aghast, Esme looked up. “How can that be? Surely he knew his actions would hurt me terribly.”

  “He understands that now. At the time, he only had one goal in mind, and it was this: ‘Marry Esme.’ And the question for him was how expediently he could make that happen. Cam is impulsive. He doesn’t think things through. He manages to find ways to get what he wants, but his methods aren’t always the wisest, or the easiest on those close to him.”

  “His methods didn’t take my feelings into account,” Esme said softly. “How can I be married to someone who disregards my feelings?”

  “You can be married to someone like that because you know he can be thoughtless, but he doesn’t mean to be. That he’ll move heaven and earth to make you happy.”

  Esme looked at the woman cynically. “Will he?”

  “I promise you, he will.”

  “How can you know that?”

  “Because…he did it for me. And he doesn’t love me nearly as much as he loves you.”

  “Nonsense,” Esme mumbled. “That cannot be true.”

  “But it is.” Anna sighed heavily. “Trust me when I say I have never seen him so distraught.”

  “Then why hasn’t he come to me? Told me all this?”

  “He wants to. But he wants to respect you as well. You told the duke and duchess to turn him away, and they have. He could ignore their wishes, but in doing so, he feels he’ll be disrespecting you yet again. He’s in a quandary. If he comes to you, he loses you. If he stays away, he loses you.”

  “So he sent you.”

  “Nay. I told you, he didn’t. He’s no idea I’m here.”

  “Anna,” Esme said the word on a groan, forgetting her discomfiture, forgetting everything but Cam and what had brought them to this point. “What am I to do? I love him so much, but every time I let him in, he betrayed me. I am frightened to do it again.”

  Anna’s declarations had thawed Esme’s heart toward Cam, but that frightened her. Letting Cam into her heart made her so vulnerable. It gave him free rein to rip her to shreds. How many times could a woman survive that kind of pain?

  Esme could see the understanding in Anna’s eyes, and in her expression. “I know, milady. And I cannot promise he won’t make more terrible mistakes with you. But maybe…” She shook her head sadly. “Maybe I am a naïve fool, but I believe that a powerful love will conquer most any obstacle in its path.”

  Esme loved Cam, and if she were to believe Anna, he loved her, too. But how powerful was that love? Was it enough?

  “He loves you so much,” Anna whispered. “Please,” she said again. “Give him another chance. He’ll prove his love to you, I know he will.”

  Esme squeezed her eyes shut, thinking of him going to Henry and telling him about her writing. She thought of him bribing one of the maids to wake her brother, then deliberately being in bed with Esme when Trent threw open the door.

  He’d put her in a terrible position—twice. He’d torn apart her engagement. He’d forced knowledge of their affair on her brother. Both of those things had had to happen, but they could have been handled in a way that would have built her up, not cut her down. She’d been embarrassed, shamed, humiliated…and Cam had made it so.

  He’d done it twice, and he would probably do it again.

  She shook her head. “I don’t know.”

  “He’s an intelligent man, milady. He sees that what he’s done to you is wrong, and my brother is better at learning from his mistakes than most men are.”

  “I need…time. I need to think about this.”

  Anna nodded, but her brow creased in worry. “Will you see him?”

  “No.” Esme flinched at the harsh sound of the word. “Not yet.”

  Anna leaned forward in her chair. “What can I do?”

  “I…I’m not sure. Thank you for coming, though. You’ve given me much to think about.”

  “I fear I haven’t done enough.”

  Esme gazed at the other woman. She was right. It might not have been enough. But her chest felt heavy with emotion and her head was muzzy.

  “You are hurting,” Anna said softly. “I am so sorry.”

  “You said Cam moved heaven and earth for you.” Esme paused. She had a feeling she knew what that was about, but she’d only heard Cam’s side of the story—his anger and frustration with his father for not supporting Anna. She wanted to hear what Anna had to say about it.

  “Yes. He did,” Anna said. “And he would for you, too.”

  “Will you tell me about it? About what he did?”

  Anna swallowed hard, and her face grew a shade paler. “Aye,” she whispered. “I’ll tell you everything.”

  Chapter 25

  Again, Anna stood abruptly. She strode to the window then back, squeezing her hands into fists then relaxing them several times. She stopped in front of Esme and took a deep breath.

  “I was seventeen. We’d come to London for the Season—my father and brother Alastair and I, as well as the rest of the household. I had nothing to do here. No friends, no female companionship. I was naïve to the dangers of London, and I had no chaperone.”

  She huffed out a breath. “I was an ignorant child. I had been cloistered like a nun in our house in the country for most of my life. It was my first time in this enormous city. I found a group of lads my age at Hyde Park. I was drawn to them because they were Scots, and they felt like home, somehow, which was silly, because I’ve never lived in Scotland.”

  She gave a cynical laugh. “Anyhow, they were kind to me. At first. And then…my brother died. I went to them for comfort, thinking them my three closest friends.” She turned to Esme, her face absolutely white, her expression flat. “They did comfort me…at first. But then their comfort turned…terrible. It turned into something evil and cruel.”

  “They…raped you?” Esme had never said that word aloud before and hated the sound of it.

  “Aye.”

  “Oh…Anna.” To be raped while grieving her brother. Esme wondered who those boys had been, whether they’d suffered for their crime against this poor woman. She hoped they had been hanged.

  Anna looked down at the floor, but her voice was steady. “They did it more than once, on more than one occasion. I was hurt and confused.”

  “Of course you were.”

  “And then Cam came home to pay his respects to Alastair. He took one look at me and knew something horrible had happened. Something beyond Alast
air’s death.” Now her voice finally started to wobble. “I…told him everything. Oh, Esme, it was the worst time of my life. Between what had happened to Alastair and what happened to me…I thought I might die of the grief and pain of it all. Simply wither away and die. But…Cam…”

  “What?” Esme breathed. “What did he do then?” She knew how much Cam adored his sister. To see her brutalized thus—he must have been furious. No, furious was too weak a word.

  Anna drew in a long, shaky breath. “He took me to my father. Told him about the three lads who’d hurt me. He said they deserved justice and that he and my father needed to do something. But…my da…he turned to me…and his face…”

  Esme rose. She couldn’t sit there anymore. She went to Anna’s side and put a tentative hand on her shoulder, not sure how to comfort her, but wanting desperately to help her somehow. “I am so sorry this happened to you.”

  Now Anna’s face wasn’t pale…it was blotchy with emotion, and her eyes shone. “My da said it was my fault. That I was a whore—that I had gone to those lads and spread my legs for them. He said I was no daughter of his and I was no longer welcome in his house. He said the sight of me sickened him and he never wanted to lay eyes on me again.

  “That very night, Cam took me from my father’s house, and I haven’t been back since. I haven’t laid eyes on my father. I haven’t heard from him. Or anyone I associated with before. I am a pariah in his eyes, and in the eyes of society.”

  “Oh God. That’s…” Esme wanted to say terrible, but truly it was beyond terrible. She squeezed Anna’s shoulder, feeling the show of sympathy was far too weak. But there was nothing to say that could make these horrible events disappear. They would always be part of Anna’s past.

  “Cam has taken care of me since. He supports me. He visits me often when he’s in Town. He has been so good to me. Without him, I would certainly be dead.”

  Esme nodded, hearing the certainty of the last in Anna’s voice. She was probably right—a penniless girl turned away by her father would have had nowhere to go. Thank God Anna had a brother who truly cared for her when no one else had.