Married But Available

by B. Nyamnjoh

  She continued with the story. “Emma was not happy with what Innocent’s wife did, and with the fact that Innocent stayed married to his wife despite claiming he loved her more. How could he swear by the moon and the stars in the skies, and by his dead father and the Almighty God how much he loved and would love her till the end of time, yet do little about the fact that he was a married man and she a spinster desperately seeking marriage? So, to get even with him, she dated a student, what we normally call at the university a ‘flying-shirt’ – no wallet, no power, easily disposable – a man of no consequence. Someone who has little more than words and idle moments to offer the girl he claims he loves. Mbomas hate flying-shirts, and crave every girl to tell them: ‘I only open my legs up to older men like you.’”

  Lilly Loveless laughed. “How funny,” she said. “And they believe it?”

  “Men are so easily flattered you can’t imagine the sort of things they fall for,” Britney replied, and continued with the story. “Amongst girls, it is a common presupposition that every girl who goes out with a married man has a permanent boyfriend, as every girl is interested in a more meaningful relationship than most married men can offer, however much they claim they love you. But girls also know that you can’t just leave a Mboma like that. You have to do it with tact, else you are in trouble. Mbomas are known to curse, crash and crush without mercy, when betrayed.”

  “To avoid all the tensions, anger, beatings, claims for gifts to be returned, and the odd passion killing now and again?”

  “Absolutely,” agreed Britney.

  “Sometimes a relationship is not true until it has been tested by betrayal,” remarked Lilly Loveless.

  “Yes,” said Britney. “In this case however, everything went on smoothly, as Emma successfully juggled Innocent and her student friend, until she met and fell for a young ‘bushfaller’ with lovely dreadlocks who introduced himself as ‘a professional footballer in Muzunguland who was back home to chill out after a hectic season’. Bushfallers are guys who have been abroad and accumulated enough money and material possessions to make their weight felt back home, especially with young singletons. Topping the bushfaller league are footballers, who are generally the well-paid.”

  “Sorry to interrupt, but could you tell me more about bushfallers?” Lilly Loveless was hungry for more.

  “What else?” asked Britney, “apart from the fact that more and more Mimbolanders feel that salvation is possible these days only through going to Muzunguland or elsewhere in the world associated with milk and honey, where most of them slave away in very difficult and often subhuman conditions, but which isn’t deterrent enough for those with ambitions of bushfalling? Bushfalling has become so common that someone can be here with you, and a minute later you hear he or she has fallen bush.”

  “Why do they call it bushfalling?”

  “It is a metaphor for hunting, I think. Those who go to Muzunguland are like hunters who go into the bush to hunt for game. And just like the hunter returns to the village at the end of the hunt, the bushfaller is expected to return to Mimboland to show family and friends what in terms of money and material possessions they have gained. Those who don’t return and who don’t repatriate money and possessions are not well regarded, just as those who return empty-handed. A hunter is a good hunter when there is a catch. Similarly, only bushfallers with something to show back home shall be recognised and celebrated. A hunter is also expected to be generous with their catch, hence the common saying here in Mimboland which goes thus: ‘Bushfaller weh ye no di leak like kenja fowl by the time ye go back for whitemankontri, mean say dat bushfaller na Japanese handbrake.’”

  “Which means?”

  “A bushfaller who is not leaking like water in the perforated basket in which fowls are carried locally by the time he returns to Muzunguland, means that he is far from being generous.”

  “Wow, that’s great,” said Lilly Loveless, “an invitation for bushfallers to make their success collective, eh? What are local attitudes towards bushfallers who don’t make it or who disappear for good?”

  “I don’t know if you’d understand, but I want to quote my auntie who has a very negative attitude towards Muzunguland, especially in the way it transforms those who embrace it through bushfalling. She says: ‘Whiteman Kontri di over spoil pikin dem. Na some dorti place. Man di die 20 year, mama die, papa die, pikin no come. Na which kana place be dat? Pikin di comot for Whiteman Kontri come for try for sell hi papa hi house for here. Na which kana fall bush be dat? Better make ma pikin fall bush for backside house…”

  Britney attempted a translation for Lilly Loveless who took down notes. Satisfied, Lilly Loveless told Britney she could continue with her story.

  “This bushfaller brought foreign currency, a nice car, and promised to take Emma to the altar. A dream come true – walking down the aisle with a man of your age or thereabouts. She was so excited that she defied all odds to date the bushfaller. Not long afterwards, Innocent learned of the relationship from none other than Emma and was very bitter.”

  “Emma herself told him about the relationship with the bushfaller?” Lilly Loveless was surprised.

  “Yes, she did,” replied Britney.

  “That was courageous of her, a sign that she had fallen deeply in love, I suppose.”

  “No, it was a sign of confusion, I think,” Britney corrected. “She always had this dream of marrying someone her age in a formal church ceremony. And as if to increase her chances of fulfilling her dream, she had served as bridesmaid at so many weddings that some of her friends had nicknamed her ‘the professional bridesmaid’. It was only reluctantly that she went out with Innocent, so you can imagine her disappointment when he still would not divorce his wife to marry her.”

  “Already several times before, she had challenged him to do something about his marriage, with words like these: ‘Of course your marriage is a problem for me, even though you say that your feelings for me are not second to another love. The fact remains that I am forced to share you with at least one other woman, who occupies a very special and privileged position in your life. Is that not something to feel sad and jealous about? I try to refrain from knowing more about her than absolutely necessary, as I know that if I start to try to imagine who your wife is and what your relationship with her entails, I will be overcome by an obsessive hunger to know every detail, feeling myself in competition with her, forcing you to prove again and again that you care for me – a fact that is not all that self-evident considering the fact that you spend almost every night with her and not with me. The less I know about your wife, the easier it is for me to ignore her presence, to see her as a kind of institution, but not so much as a person who is in my way. And though you don’t like the word ‘mistress’, I am well aware that my position would always be precisely that: secret meetings, stolen time, anonymous rooms in resting places, no integration in every day life because of the clandestine status of our relationship, constant jealousy on my part, constant on your part that I might be swept off my feet by some suitor who didn’t need to hide me away…’”

  “So what did she tell him when the bushfaller came along?”

  “She wrote him a note, a copy of which she showed me: ‘Dear Innocent,’ she wrote, ‘I know you love and care for me, which makes me want to say something that I would not be able to stand by when the time comes and consequently I become so confused. I just can’t be a second wife or keep going out with you as if your wife was not there. The fact is that I love and respect you so much and therefore believe that you deserve the very best in life. You deserve to be happy, successful and prosperous and nothing should come between you and all these things not even me. However, I have my own plans and dreams which I selfishly cling onto. Like you rightly said, and I admit I want a future in which someone will stand and wait for me at the end of the aisle. But this is not going to be just anybody like you think. I will be looking for something in particular in that person and that something will be all you a
re as a person. The question I imagine you will ask is, why I have refused to take you yet look for somebody like you. All I will say is that, I am not strong enough to live above what society thinks and that will not make you as happy as you deserve to be.’ That’s the note she sent Innocent.”

  “So Innocent must have learnt of the bushfaller from elsewhere and only indirectly from Emma,” Lilly Loveless pointed out.

  “What is important is the fact that Innocent came to know of the bushfaller,” said Britney.

  “How did he take it, when he found out?”

  “He couldn’t believe he had spent and sacrificed so much only to be treated so shabbily. Emma didn’t give a damn despite all Innocent’s threats to empty her apartment. At the same time, Innocent was so much in love that he couldn’t bear to lose Emma, as he told his best friend and keeper of his secrets. But if you would permit me, I think the right word is infatuation, considering how he was repeatedly humiliated by Emma in front of the bushfaller, yet he couldn’t do without her. Jilted though Innocent was for three months, right now he is hand in glove with Emma. The bushfaller was a fly by night lover, saying all the right things a girl wants to hear and making her dream what was never to be. He dribbled her the way he did the ball in a football game.

  “Still, Emma found it hard to stop believing, in her heart of hearts, that the bushfaller had meant all the honeyed words he had directed her way. But the reality was that his words, meaningful though they sounded, were as empty as words not said. So she turned back to her Innocent, reluctantly but surely, to ask for forgiveness. She told him: ‘Forget about the difficulties and trials we have been through and be as happy as ever. God’s blessings and graces will stay with you through my humble prayer. Remember, I love you and you are the one and only true owner of my body. Moments and time spent with you are very precious and my brief escapade only permitted me to view those moments with happiness and assurance. I know that with you I will always eat the fattest of the bones.’”

  “It’s amazing, this thing called love,” said Lilly Loveless.

  “Emma continues to hope that one day Innocent will divorce his wife and marry her, or at least not leave her for greener pastures. She lives her life with her hand in her mouth. A situation not helped by his mixed messages. Recently when a friend of hers told him: ‘Innocent, I love that Emma very much, her eyes, her legs. She is so beautiful’, he replied: ‘Would you like me to take her as my second wife?’ To which she said in reply: ‘Yes! First even.’ Then she proceeded to say she was very pleased when she first heard that he was going out with Emma. When Innocent met Emma later he said: ‘I’ve never been this encouraged by someone this close to you.’ So what stops him from acting on his divorce then?

  “Emma dreams a lot, and Innocent is often in her dreams. She shared with me a dream she had recently. She dreamt Innocent was travelling to Muzunguland for a public service meeting. The day he was supposed to leave for Sawang International Airport, she heard Innocent was hurrying up everyone in the house and his wife and children were so angry and said: ‘Everybody knows he is hurrying to go and spend time with his girlfriend Emma, but he should at least be a bit calm and stop rushing people’. Innocent’s wife was very very angry. In the dream, Emma had a dream that same night she learnt of what happened, a dream she narrated to Innocent thus: ‘I dreamt that we were at the airport and we were going to Muzunguland together, and we were so into each other and all of a sudden your wife came shouting my name and saying horrible things, telling the whole airport that I was stealing her husband. I was so frightened, I hid behind you as she was approaching where we stood, you told her to be calm but she insisted on attacking me, and you started fighting. I started crying and my mother appeared and picked a quarrel with your wife. I was seriously crying. I told my mother that you had divorced your wife and wanted us to live together and she said we were doing the wrong thing because your children will always want their mother. I was shouting that they would love me and that I was quite fond of your daughter in high school, but no one except you was listening to me and just when your wife was about to hit me, I woke up. Funny, isn’t it?’”

  “It’s clear she is obsessed with Innocent divorcing his wife, but even more obsessed with having a man of her own who has not been married before,” said Lilly Loveless.

  “Good interpretation,” said Britney. “I do wish her the best.”

  “With Innocent?”

  “With whoever. A woman plans and God disposes through man.”

  “Well put, could I quote that?”

  “You can quote anything,” said Britney. “Something I forgot to say about Innocent is that, at the same time as he is pursuing Emma and university girls, and boasting how well he provides for his family, it surfaces that he is not paying his rent regularly for the lovely house he inhabits with his family. One day his wife was scandalised to read a mocking and threatening note from his landlady about non-payment of his rent: ‘I have observed with dismay your unwillingness to pay your rent and the reluctance in settling your bills. I have explained to you about the inconveniences you cause me when you delay your rent. It would seem the explanation only gave you more grounds to delay the payments of your rent. I want to remind you that we agreed from the very beginning that your rent is to be paid at the beginning of the month. You have not only taken it upon yourself to pay at your convenience but you don’t have the courtesy to inform me of any difficulties you have. You wait until I ask you then you tell me fabulous stories. It’s amazing how you feel that you are the only person who needs to live. You had no tangible reason for paying your October rent in December and telling me you’ll pay November’s rent at your convenience. Let me use this opportunity to tell you that your cynical remarks about my exaggerated riches and your having a house of similar stature in your native village are certainly the reason for you delaying your payment. If I’m rich then my riches are genuine. I’ve not got to inconvenience anybody to be rich. So what’s your problem? If I have millions enough to buy 4 cars, what’s your problem? Considering that I’ve always had difficulties collecting your rent and given the general reluctance with which you want to settle your financial obligations, i.e. rents, bills and debts, I want to let you know that I have had enough of it and I’m asking you to quit my house by the end of the month. You can go and live in your home village.’ His is a world of make believe,” Britney concluded.

  ***

  To further satisfy Lilly Loveless’ curiosity, Britney shared with her the story of Spiteless, a girl who keeps hoping to meet a bushfaller, and whom bushfallers repeatedly deceive because her quest is so desperately engraved on her forehead. “One of her catches was a bushfaller who, from every indication, had a fiancée with whom he had fathered a child already.”

  “Why do you say that?”

  “This girl accompanied another girl to welcome back her own fiancé from Muzunguland. The man, Virtue, was carrying two gifts from Maradona, as the bushfaller in question was known in his circles.”

  Lilly Loveless noted the coincidence between bushfaller and footballer in the two stories.

  “One of the gifts was for Spiteless and the other for Maradona’s fiancée, who wasn’t present and who didn’t know a thing about Spiteless. Thrilled with the gift and the welcome party for Virtue, Spiteless sent Maradona an email the next day. ‘There was great feasting and happiness. I tell you that I just felt jealous! What for? When on earth shall I ever have the chance to go and welcome my own man? I thought silently.’ Most definitely encouraged by Maradona, Spiteless sent email after email. In one, a long letter, which she brought me to correct because her English isn’t very good, she wrote about how ‘Our distance seems to create a problem’, but how ‘I am very happy and encouraged by the many emails and phone calls you have afforded to make.’ As things intensified, from Spiteless’ vantage point at least, Virtue, a Born Again Christian, could not stand it.”

  “He told Spiteless the truth?”

  “Yes, and m
uch more. When Maradona wrote to him with money to parcel out to his fiancée and to Spiteless, Virtue became spiteful. He wrote to Maradona. ‘I wish to make it clear to you that I do not wish to pry into your love affairs. Spiteless’ problems are not mine, but the point which I want to drive home is that I should be left out in any Maradona – Virtue – Spiteless relationship. Please, Maradona, I shall henceforth welcome none of your girlfriends except your fiancée or wife. Such uneasy relationships are not my ways.’ He was particularly unhappy that Maradona had engineered Spiteless, and not his fiancée to be close to his wife. ‘I think it would have been more agreeable if you introduced your fiancée to my wife instead of Spiteless. I do not mean that Spiteless is unacceptable in any way. She is quite a superb and amiable girl. I do not like the platform on which I came to know her. I feel rather very ashamed to meet her now following what I know.’”

  “What did Maradona have to say for himself?”

  “He wrote back with copies of all the letters Spiteless had sent him, asking Virtue to see for himself that Spiteless was reading far more into the relationship than there really was. But Virtue declined. He wrote, ‘I think it is not proper for me to read her letters to you and so I have personally returned them to her. Maradona, you are a good brother and a valuable friend, but you have to understand that my relationship with anybody has to be founded on mutual respect. Your action does not seem to conform to this golden rule of mine. I hope and pray such an act should not again occur.’”

  “Were they actually brothers?”

  “No, not even brothers in Christ, as you can guess.”

  “How did Spiteless come out of all this?”

  “She was full of spite towards Maradona, when she found out about his fiancée and untruths. ‘I am so angry over your selfish and inconsiderate behaviour that I cannot trust myself to speak to you without losing my temper. When you grill fish, please use aluminium foil to prevent the oil from dirtying the grill pan. If you cannot do so, kindly restrict yourself to one grill. It is not very pleasant to find both grill pans smelling of stale fish oil when one wants to toast bread and to get one’s bread stained yellow.’ She was and remains at her metaphorical best when angry, but her quest for a marriable bushfaller continues.