Married But Available

by B. Nyamnjoh

  “One helping out with siblings and the other dating for prestige?” Lilly Loveless’ mind was at work making connections.

  “Things are starting to sound familiar aren’t they?” asked Britney.

  “I read somewhere BMW means Beer Men and Women,” said Lilly Loveless.

  “It also means Break My Window and take me home, and if things work out, Be My Wife.”

  “I like that, could you repeat it please?”

  There came a knock at the door and Lilly Loveless opened it up to Desire, her landlady, who greeted them, explained she was going away for several days and left her key so Lilly could water her plants for her.

  “No problem,” said Lilly Loveless, “travel well.” She sat back at the table just as ‘Donne-moi un peu d’amour’ started to play and Britney commenced recounting another story.

  ***

  “Emelda is a level 200 student here at UM. Her love experiences date back to when she was in Form Five and she explained how this continued up to the university. Her first love relationship was with Bernard, whom she says was calm, loving and caring, and his parents were rich. Actually, she fell in love and was nearly bursting with ecstasy. They spent nice times together. They went out in the evenings to nightclubs and snack bars.”

  “Nightclubs and snack bars? They were both students, weren’t they?”

  “Yep,” replied Britney and continued. “Despite the good times, Emelda never felt she was part and parcel of Bernard. Her parents are both civil servants – teachers – and they provide for her needs reasonably well. She lived a normal life because she had her daily bread. ‘So, please, I had never thought of dating a man because of money’ Emelda said. Her parents were very strict, and kept chasing boys away from her by threatening to skin alive any boy they caught near their daughter: ‘I promised to teach my parents, because when you want to go anywhere they say no.’ She faced problems in the house with her parents when she stole herself out to see Bernard. Otherwise her experiences with him were totally free from problems.”

  “When things are going good, we’ve seen that something happens. So what happens?” asked Lilly Loveless as she poured a second cup of tea for each of them.

  “Well, it came to a point where she faced the greatest temptation of her life. Her family lived in a neighbourhood where there was a girl who influenced young girls to date ‘bourgeois’ or Mbomas.”

  “Really?” asked Lilly Loveless with wide eyes.

  “Would I make it up? This girl had links with many rich men and helped them to get young girls, for which she got paid a finder’s fee, like a matchmaker,” Britney explained with a touch of impatience.

  “I can’t believe it.” Lilly Loveless continued to look incredulous.

  “Believe it!” insisted Britney. “Don’t you watch African movies?”

  “I’ve watched a couple, from South Africa,” said Lilly Loveless.

  “That’s not good enough. You should watch Nollywood films from West Africa.”

  “And what have these got to do with Emelda’s story?”

  “You wouldn’t be surprised the way you were a while ago, after seeing all those glamour girls and how they, in the name of love, manipulate and manoeuvre one another and men for material possessions.”

  “Where can I get some of the movies around here?” Lilly Loveless was interested, partly because she harboured the suspicion that Britney could be getting or embellishing some of her stories with stories from there.

  “All over the place, from hawkers walking the streets, in shops, on the pavements, all over, even on TV.”

  “Could you recommend some you feel I must watch?”

  “No problem. Tomorrow,” said Britney. “Nothing goes for nothing,” she added, resuming her story. “And when this girl proposed what she did, Emelda said she wasn’t interested because she feared the eyes of the public. But the girl insisted.

  “She explained to Emelda that Bernard could do little for her. He was just a student, dependent on others for sustenance. She reminded Emelda that she was a beautiful girl who qualified to dress in the latest and best outfits and boutique shoes. Emelda says she passed through tough times because this girl was always near her telling her about the honourable parliamentarian she wanted to hook her up with. This man had a house in the quarter where they lived, and had three children. Then one day, she realised that the honourable man was Bernard’s father.”

  Britney nodded when Lilly Loveless looked up again, her eyes wide open with question marks.

  “Emelda insisted: ‘I never wanted to do it but this girl made me fall in the trap.’

  “She said: ‘I finally told Bernard off and started my deal with his father. We were and we are still doing it in hiding because the honourable is married and honourable.’ Their meeting place is his rest house. ‘He washes me with cash as if cash is water to him.’ Emelda says she finds it difficult to leave him but she recognises that she has committed much atrocity. Wondering why she was telling me all this, Emelda said: ‘I have an elder sister but I have never told her anything about my life.’ She adds: ‘I find it hard to say it but my elder sister is dating Bernard.’

  “Incredible,” Lilly Loveless murmured, “what next?”

  Britney recounted how “once Emelda had the opportunity to attend a party in the honourable’s house and to her greatest surprise she was chased out of the house by his wife. The wife, she admits, ‘never knew about me but one of the honourable’s nieces had got some little bit of congosai which she shared with the wife.’ In the midst of the guests Emelda was disgraced, and so was the honourable’s family. His wife took the microphone, brought it to the heart of her mouth, called Emelda and told her to get out.”

  “Over the microphone? In front of all the guests?”

  “We could get through this more quickly if you would just listen,” suggested Britney with a big smile.

  Lilly Loveless lowered her eyes at this and concentrated on her notebook, telling herself not to be shocked by whatever would come next.

  Feeling encouraged, Britney continued, “Emelda was there with her elder sisters and they carefully walked out. This disgrace to Emelda is nothing though her name is the topic of the day. The major reason why she was chased from the house, Emelda believes, is that she had on her neck the same necklace just like the one the honourable’s wife was wearing, which must have confirmed all the wife had heard. The wife had brought the two necklaces back from Muzunguland, and the husband had paid for one, pretending that it was a friend who wanted it for his wife.

  “Emelda says: ‘My experience with the honourable in person is a nice one. I have become materialistic in such a way that I love him. I face problems with his wife.’”

  “We saw evidence of that,” Lilly Loveless reminded Britney who glared at her gently. Lilly Loveless met her eyes, smiled and lowered hers again, opening wide her ears.

  “The wife actually went to their house and told Emelda’s father to warn her, but Emelda didn’t care, although she admitted facing problems with her parents. ‘They talk to me every minute. Others, my teachers included, have talked about it since I was in high school. At times I really feel uneasy. But I enjoy the cash and attention. My relationship with Bernard is not actually cordial but I couldn’t care less, as my sister has stepped in to attend to him.’

  “Emelda says that presently at the university her father affords her rent, needs and fees and she stays in a self contained house. The honourable gives her Mim$100,000 at the beginning of the semester, ‘but he flows me cash most times when I go to check on him in Sawang.’

  “Emelda reveals: ‘After my first semester holidays I left our house and my father took me in his care to the bus station where he paid my ticket to return to UM. When he left, I sold the ticket to someone because I had an appointment with the honourable in a hotel. Later in the day when my dad called to find out if I had a safe journey back to Puttkamerstown, I actually answered from under the honourable, attending to fire down below
.’”

  Lilly looked up from her notepad, but did not say anything.

  “Though Emelda feels fine with the honourable, she is still dating flying-shirts and she can’t take what he buys her to their house because her father would burn them all. So her riches are confined in Puttkamerstown when she goes on holidays. Emelda confesses about the honourable: ‘He is old and I don’t enjoy sex with him. My fire is much too strong for him to quench.’ She was once pregnant by him, but the girl who arranged for her to go out with the honourable, also arranged for her to have an abortion.”

  Instead of saying “Really?” Lilly Loveless just drummed her fingers on the table and squeezed her eyebrows together.

  “Recently, Emelda discovered she has a rival. She met her at the honourable’s rest house and they fought but his workers separated them. Emelda says the girl who arranged for her to go out with the honourable ‘is a crazy two-side cutlass,’ because she was the one who looked for the new girl as well, but she is determined to show her who is crazier. She is ready to bring her anger to bear like a burning spear to the matchmaker. She threatens to take to the press salacious digital photos she took of herself and the honourable using her cell phone, should he continue with the new girl. Should he persist with his perverse sense of pleasure, there would be nothing honourable about him by the time she finishes with him.”

  ***

  Lilly Loveless was relieved when Britney finished recounting Emelda’s story and suggested they go for a short walk in the morning air that was humid yet fresh. They cleared the breakfast dishes from the table and headed out, and greeted the neighbours who called out to Lilly Loveless. Who did they run into at the end of the street but Bobinga Iroko?

  “So very good to see you,” Lilly Loveless greeted him, beaming from ear to ear.

  “Unlikely but true: I have just been thinking about you,” said Bobinga Iroko, his face vibrating with liveliness. “I’d call it a coincidence, but I’m struggling with the entire concept of ‘coincidence’ right now.”

  “Truth is a meal one hardly finds on the table of flatterers, to quote Bobinga Iroko,” said Lilly Loveless, with a laugh.

  “When did I say that?” asked Bobinga Iroko, laughing as well.

  “You say so many funny things that you don’t remember,” replied Lilly Loveless, “but I take notes, and can tell you exactly when and where. I’m a researcher, remember?”

  “I shan’t quarrel with you on that,” Bobinga Iroko conceded.

  “So what’s happened again?” Lilly Loveless came back to Bobinga Iroko’s mention of struggling with coincidence.

  “Story long, time short,” said Bobinga Iroko. “Let’s chat over a beer, so I can update you on the goings on.”

  “Call me when you are free,” Lilly Loveless told him.

  “I will, I will,” said Bobinga Iroko.

  When he heard it was Britney’s birthday, he congratulated her for spending it with a Muzungu who celebrates such things, teased that she was only getting more beautiful with each year, and gave and received a big hug.

  “I’m after a big story, so if you’ll excuse me ladies, I’ll be on my way,” he explained as if he had just been tipped off about an embezzlement somewhere and felt determined to feed the front page of The Talking Drum with the lurid entrails of a fat cat.

  “Some call him a self-appointed detective,” said Britney as she waved to a woman walking by with a platter of bananas for Lilly Loveless to buy some not too ripe ones.

  “And you, what do you call him?” asked Lilly Loveless, a curious smile on her face.

  “I’d call him an icon with iconoclastic tendencies,” said Britney, borrowing the favourite expression of one of her lecturers.

  “Meaning?”

  “Someone who earns recognition thanks to an institution or an idea, but turns round and wants to destroy the institution or idea with his hunger for change.”

  “What makes you say that?”

  “Isn’t he an investigative journalist?”

  Lilly Loveless didn’t understand, but she didn’t want to make a fool of herself either.

  Back at her place, Lilly Loveless presented Britney with two small packages in gold coloured gift wrap, each with a red bow. Britney looked completely surprised but opened one and exclaimed, “How’d you find it?” It was the latest CD of Britney Spears. “I can’t thank you enough,” she added. It was no secret that she worshipped Britney Spears the way one does a Goddess. Every time she visited the Internet, she was sure to look for the latest gossip about her favourite pop star. Not so long ago, she read that Britney Spears was propositioned by tens of thousands of people daily thanks to the Internet, which made it possible for people to minimize the embarrassment of rejection that comes with face to face encounters. Just the other day, she read that Britney Spears was a powerhouse to her country’s economy, directly and indirectly bringing in millions and millions of dollars each year through such things as cosmetics and fragrances, sales of albums, endorsements, photography and tourism. Britney was so proud of Britney Spears, whom she had grown to love when she discovered years back that they shared the same first name. She would cherish the CD for a long, long time. She thanked Lilly Loveless again.

  In the second package was an audio recorder, similar to the one Lilly Loveless used.

  “For me?!” asked Britney, who was now the one with question marks in her eyes.

  “For your own research down the road…”

  “How lovely!” Britney exclaimed. “You are too kind, Lilly, much too kind…” She hugged her with tears of joy.

  ***

  When Britney left Lilly Loveless’s place, she went straight to the Internet café she frequented, to check her mail and update herself as usual on developments around Britney Spears. She felt relieved when she saw an email from Providence. She read it, beaming from ear to ear. Then she typed her reply:

  “Dearest Sweetheart,” she began, “I was about to think that you forgot my birthday when I saw your email. I don’t know why the cell phone lines are terribly poor these days, but thanks for making the effort to call.

  “I was at the post office this morning. How sweet and nice it was for me to receive three post cards and three letters from you at a go. I don’t think you can ever guess how excited I was. I jumped, shouted, screamed. In short, I did everything you can imagine. I felt so happy, so proud and most of all so loved. I did not know exactly what to do in order to express my joy. Thanks my dear, you make me feel so happy, so proud, and so whole. It all seemed like you were just at the corner sending me teasing words of love. I wanted to read all of them at the same time. I have never had such a pleasant surprise. I am sure I amazed everybody who was around the post office this morning. Oh my God, you need to see the smile on my face right now as I write about it. Thank God for you and your continuous care. No man can replace or give what you give because you always do your things in a special and particular way. You are fascinating.

  “It’s amazing how much you think about and how nicely you express your thoughts. You give me all the attention even from that far away. My dear, you are all I needed to be happy, I just did not want to see it at first. Thanks for being there for me even when you can barely squeeze in the time. I do miss you my dear. Can you please blow me a kiss? Thanks. I just felt it. It is a nice one and very timely because I want you right now. I want to hold you in my arms once more, and warm up the winter cold that has been eating into you these past months. Don’t , the moment you will see me, I will warm you up like I have never done before. It’s a promise.

  “It’s nice to learn that you cook your own food. I have never been given the opportunity to really cook for you and eat with you in an environment where there are just the two of us. I hope some day soon. How do you cope with your Chinese, Taiwanese, etc. neighbours? I hope the communication flows, and you not only watch but share while grasping what you can that is good from other cultures. You made me understand that there is a priest of Mimboland nationali
ty over there, mind extending my greetings to him? I hope you guys don’t only eat together but also pray together. You iron your own clothes? Weh ashia. That’s what I should have been doing. You made mention of the fact that you were to wear a coat and tie to the formal reception of the university – wow! I know you hate wearing a coat and tie but you look dangerously handsome and smart in them. Congrats my dear for your election as an associate member of the Muzunguland Association of Biologists – the sky is not even your limit. I am so proud of you. From your letters I seem to be discovering Muzunguland with you. Magdalene sends her regards, and so does my friend Celine who has moved to Puttkamerstown with her husband who is permanently lecturing at the university.

  “Here ends the reply to your first letter.

  “Thanks for my photos you sent in your second letter. Wow, the pictures are so nice. I hope those on your wall do actually bring me home to you – the only place I wish I could be right now. Who do you say I am to those who comment about the pictures? Can I guess? No, I would not because I might guess wrongly. I hope you will tell me when you come home. I promise to display them in like manner in my room. I am so sorry the one Ellen took was bad. Thank God you are withholding the one you took of me and Dr Evans. Your action was not the least funny. I am sure you were just being you – jealous. Talking about Dr Evans, I have not seen him for a long time now. I last met him at a party to which I was invited by Josiane. I told him that I was not interested in his intentions. Rest assured there is nothing between the two of us. Please put that thought out of your mind. I don’t even go to his hospital for the diet thing any longer. Thanks for understanding.

  “Need I tell you how much I miss you? My mind and feelings are, and will for a long time remain frozen on the day you left for Muzunguland. I just could not imagine that you were going to get into that plane alone and go away no matter for how long. I could not stand it and don’t think I will understand so soon.