Married But Available

by B. Nyamnjoh

  “Wow,” said Britney. “Na big big book tok dat,” she added. She found Lilly Loveless’ position a bit too strident for a social scientist. What use was everyday sociology if it could not stop to ask itself what would happen to everyday reality if every woman made the same choice not to marry and not to have children?

  “Too much pressure and emphasis on marriage and children by parents, culture or society only lead to hypocrisy and diminished happiness in relationships,” added Lilly Loveless.

  “How?”

  “When you deny, as I’m sure they do here in Mimboland, sex before marriage for girls, and marriage is not as easy to come by for the girls of today as it was for their parents in yesteryear, what do you think is the consequence?” asked Lilly Loveless.

  “You tell me.”

  “It is what you see in the interviews and stories you share with me. Girls go out with Mbomas, flying-shirts and whomever, but they do everything to hide it from their parents. Nobody is open and honest, because there is little room for honesty and openness in the society, culture and expectations. Because girls don’t want to disappoint their parents, they subscribe to the ideals of marriage and children in principle and in public, but privately they are having sex with all manner of men and in all manner of ways, and if an unwanted pregnancy results, they abort, or if this fails, the child is literally abandoned to, or appropriated by, the girl’s parents as the girl must not appear to compromise her chances of marriage. In cases where virginity is overly prioritised, girls submit to anal sex rather than do without. For others, if and when they eventually marry, they either fake virginity or resign themselves to an attitude of ‘what is there that haven’t I seen?’ And indeed, because there is little they haven’t seen and given the continued pressure for propriety, the contradictions do not stop with marriage. Infidelity gets epidemic, but few ever own up to doing it, trapped as they are in the realm of keeping up appearances in the name of marriage and decent family life. Believe it or not, where I come from, women are increasingly impatient with marriage and the conventional idea of a family. I am one of those, and have no apologies to offer. No marriage, no children. And I’m sure society will not die just because I and a growing number of others are unhappy with the values in place, unhappy with being told that our happiness must necessarily depend on marriage and children…” Lilly Loveless went on and on, speaking as if she were rehearsing an idea more for herself and her thesis than for Britney.

  “Interesting dessert,” said Britney. “But I’m too full right now to do it justice,” she added, standing up. She took the dishes to the kitchen, but came back when she remembered something. “There’s a joke my girlfriend in Muzunguland told me recently. I wrote it down.” She looked for the notebook on her shelf and opened the page with the joke, saying “I would like to know what you think of this.”

  “A man prayed to God: ‘Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while the mother of my children merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow us to switch bodies for a day. Amen.’” Britney could see that Lilly Loveless was listening.

  “So God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke in the image of his wife. He arose, cooked breakfast for the mother of his children, awakened the children, set out their school uniforms, bathed and dressed them, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, accompanied them to take the bus to school, came back home and did the family laundry, stopped at the bank to see if there was anything left from his salary for last month, went to the food market and the shops for groceries, then took a bus back home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the chequebook. He cleaned the cat’s litter box, bathed the dog, and disposed of their shit. Then it was already 1pm and he hurried to make the beds, vacuum cleaned, dusted, and mopped the kitchen floor, sitting room and bedrooms. Ran to the bus stop to pick up the children and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out lunch and got the children organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30pm, he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen and the dishes, folded laundry, bathed the children, and put them to bed, where he read them stories until they fell asleep. At 9pm, he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint…” Britney looked a Lilly Loveless, who was still listening, keenly.

  “The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: ‘Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back.’”

  “And what did the Lord say?” asked Lilly Loveless.

  “The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: ‘My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You’ll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night.’” Britney exploded in a sardonic laugh.

  “Excellent!” shouted Lilly Loveless, recalling reading something similar on the Internet. “It proves my point that women must not be made to feel guilty for not living up to dubious norms.”

  “Time to get to work”, said Britney. She turned off the television, as Lilly Loveless dug for her recorder and notebook, and sat back down on the couch beside Lilly Loveless and began recounting the stories she had listed.

  ***

  “I remember a notorious neighbour…”

  “Not a neighbour again!” exclaimed Lilly Loveless, half serious, half joking. “If you were to present your research to my professors, they’d say interesting though your stories are, there’s little evidence of representativeness. Too many of the stories are from people you know…”

  “You know what I’d tell them?” replied Britney. “I’d tell them there’s a lot more to life than statistics. Better a good story well told than many short stories without depth. Isn’t it you who told me that when I presented my very first interviews?”

  “It was just a comment, which doesn’t mean I doubt your accounts, as I don’t necessarily agree with my professors,” Lilly Loveless explained.

  “But you have to dance to their tune for the sake of your degree?”

  “Don’t we all?”

  “If I may continue, at first, my neighbour was not a friend,” said Britney. “When she came into the neighbourhood where I lived with my parents, she was very beautiful and always well dressed but so rude, so unfriendly, and proud to a fault. She was very intelligent at university but since she had frequent telephone calls and spent most of her time in expensive snacks, she had less time to concentrate – so she dropped out.”

  “What a shame.”

  “Her notorious boyfriend was an African of Muzunguland origin and when he was going back home, he gave all his belongings to this girl. Every four months, she visited him in Muzunguland. The love was so deep that this man created problems with his wife until he threatened to divorce her.

  “This girl forgot that a woman is like a flower that withers. Instead of putting the money she earned from prostitution into business, she thought life would continue to be smooth.

  “Most housewives hated her because she never greeted them but made sure to be friendly to almost every married man who was well-to-do. The worst part of it was that whenever she was drunk, she could make love even on the street, regardless of whether the sex was safe or not.”

  “To which male moron?” Lilly Loveless nearly asked.

  “One night after reading for a long time, I decided to go out for some fresh air. I heard her voice inside a parked car. I did not want her to see me, so I was rushing back inside, when I heard her call me by the nickname we used to call each other: ‘Dynamic, please don’t come and disturb me. Get back inside. I am having my fun,’ she told me. With a heavy head, I dashed into t
he house.”

  “Why a heavy head?”

  “You don’t want to be told to do what you should have done on your own accord, that’s why,” replied Britney.

  “You’ve got a good heart,” reassured Lilly Loveless.

  “It did not end there. In the morning, she came and visited me and said ‘Dynamic, na wettin be your problem wey you come see as I de enjoy me. If you see that motor again, no comot for house.’ I had to apologise, telling her I did not even know she was there in a parked car outside and advised her that she should avoid doing funny things in the open.

  “She then confessed to me that there was someone else waiting for her inside, so she had to enjoy with the other person in the car first.”

  Lilly Loveless interjected, “Timing her two-timing?”

  “For a while. Now her beauty has faded. She has embarked on contracts but she hasn’t got the capital. All her clients have run away and life is so threatening to her.

  “Worst of all, her African Muzungulander has ceased contact, and as if this were not enough, she is whispered to be suffering from AIDS,” Britney concluded the story about her notorious neighbour.

  ***

  “Let me tell you now about Titus,” said Britney, consulting her list. “He is a final year student here at UM. He has been a final year student for two additional years because he cannot organise his time to suit his activities. When there’s a free beer, he spends most of his time drinking in snack bars with bushfallers with whom he is always sniffing for encounters. He attends classes only when there are no serious outdoor activities, and his parents think he is graduating when he, in reality, has hardly started.

  “Titus’ father is not only popular for political reasons but, in the context of Mimboland, is also a well-to-do man. Titus has been going out steadily with a certain Blenda who’s a spendthrift and a very intelligent girl. She does computer skills training course somewhere in town. Her family background is not too poor but she is certainly selling high.

  “Blenda had earlier been going out with a lecturer at the university, a hot-tempered middle-aged man who is popular for telling girls: ‘Don’t underestimate my ability to stay young.’ He lost his patience with Blenda when he discovered she was keeping a flying-shirt. She did not really miss him as he was immediately replaced with another Mboma from Sakersbeach.”

  “Replaced just like that?” asked Lilly Loveless.

  “It’s not the first time you’ve heard such a thing,” said Britney and continued. “Titus did not know that Blenda had been going out with this Mboma until he lost his father last year. His financial stand was threatened and he started to think that he was going to lose Blenda to one of his friends who had told him openly that he was going to challenge him by taking over his girlfriend.

  “Therefore when he discovered that Blenda was going out with a Mboma, he arranged with her to have his own share of the money given to her by the Mboma. Blenda had no choice but to accept because Titus threatened to destroy the relationship. And so it was arranged that Titus should not come to sleep during the weekends at Blenda’s place because she would be expecting her Mboma from Sakersbeach then.”

  “See what I mean about timing?” said Lilly Loveless as she took down her notes.

  “One Saturday evening,” continued Britney, “Blenda went to visit her Mboma in Sakersbeach to inform him that she wouldn’t be at home all night because her home village cultural association was organising a gala night in Puttkamerstown. The Mboma accepted and promised to come on Sunday evening instead. Little did she know that the Mboma was very suspicious, as most tend to be, perhaps because they know their rivals are much younger university students who spend the most time with the girls.”

  “I like your insight and would encourage you to do more of that,” said Lilly Loveless.

  “Thanks. Actually, she had a cultural association gala to attend with Titus who expected her to come with enough money from Sakersbeach. They had a nice time at the party and finally decided to spend the rest of the night at Blenda’s place. Blenda accepted because she did not expect her Mboma to come, having agreed with him earlier to come on Sunday.”

  “But he came,” suggested Lilly Loveless.

  “The Mboma left his family at Sakersbeach and was at Puttkamerstown at 5am Sunday morning, just to see whether his lady was a cheat. When Blenda heard the sound of his vehicle she couldn’t believe it, but she took certain measures. She hid Titus in the bathroom and gave him her kaba to put on, so he could pretend to be a girl if discovered. Then she lay on the bed struggling to feel at ease and at the same time pretending to be sound asleep when her door opened. The Mboma had the spare key to her place. He woke her up and she pretended to be confused and to struggle with sleep.”

  “I can feel the tension mounting,” said Lilly Loveless.

  “She discussed with the Mboma who claimed to have stayed the whole night at Mount Rebecca Hospital with a relative who was seriously ill. When he was about to go, he decided to ease himself but Blenda would not allow him. He used force to open the bathroom door and discovered the trick. Titus was there all dressed up in Blenda’s kaba and ready for a fight, but the Mboma closed the bathroom door and walked out of Blenda’s room saying he was never to be back again.”

  “Really? No palaver?” To Lilly Loveless, it sounded too good to be true. “No beating? No Violence? Unheard of,” she swore.

  “But he was back in a week’s time.”

  “Just couldn’t resist her?”

  “Well,” explained Britney, “Titus and Blenda weren’t ready to give him up. The next day they went to Sakersbeach to explain the situation to the Mboma. A neighbour even accompanied them. Titus explained that he was a distant relative staying at Sawang who had come to attend the party. He showed his national identity card that revealed he was a student in Sawang. He also said he was putting on Blenda’s kaba because he was forced to dry his clothes after it had rained on him. The Mboma was all the more convinced because Titus had the same surname as Blenda.”

  “What a coincidence,” noted Lilly Loveless.

  “Yes,” agreed Britney, “that they used to their advantage. Notwithstanding, the fact that Titus had hidden in the bathroom left the Mboma still sceptical. But Blenda insisted that it was merely to avoid problems.

  “Today, Titus is still going out with Blenda, but he avoids her room, especially at night and especially weekend nights.”

  “Because,” Lilly Loveless asked, “Blenda still keeps her Mboma?”

  “That’s right,” confirmed Britney. “And they both depend on his money for subsistence. When his friends mock him for being too soft, he says one must be realistic during these hard times, for no one can live on love alone.”

  “How common do you think is this attitude of Titus?”

  “I can’t say for sure, but quite a few flying-shirts are realistic about these things. What is important, I believe, is how well they play safe in terms of the relationship and especially, of safe sex,” replied Britney.

  “Exactly,” Lilly Loveless agreed. “It’s a delicate balancing act.”

  “I’ve a few more stories for today. I’ll be right back,” said Britney, as she dashed to the kitchen.

  Britney returned from the kitchen with a platter of round pineapple slices and asked Lilly Loveless if she wanted tea.

  “You’ve been in the kitchen enough today, no? How about if we get on with our work?”

  “You sound like you’re racing to get home to get ready for a big date tonight,” said Britney.

  “My biggest date today,” said Lilly Loveless, “has been with you and the market women.” They both laughed.

  “How about Bobinga Iroko?” Britney eyed her curiously. “He is so fond of you.”

  “I know, and I’m very fond of him as well,” said Lilly Loveless, intrigued by Britney’s question. “Since when have you associated Bobinga Iroko and me?”

  “For quite some time now,” replied Britney. “Since the time som
e girlfriends of mine saw the two of you dancing and kissing at a nightclub in Sakersbeach. They said you looked very much in love because your eyelashes kept going up and down and little stars came out of you, whenever Bobinga Iroko held your bottom tight to the tune of Zouk music.”

  “It’s amazing what people know about you that you think nobody knows, since there is nothing for anyone to know.”

  “What?”

  “Believe it or not, we are just friends, good friends.”

  “They said the two of you would suit each other very well as husband and wife,” Britney made as if she didn’t hear her. “They said you’d make beautiful zebra babies. We love zebras. They’re a lovely colour…”

  “Didn’t you hear what I said?” Lilly Loveless asked impatiently. “We are just good friends, Bobinga Iroko and I, just good friends,” she spelt out. “I enjoy talking with him. It makes me feel silly and alive. But over and above that, nothing.”

  “Who am I to doubt your story?” Britney laughed uncomfortably. “How interesting, everyone knows that you and Bobinga Iroko are going out together, only you and Bobinga Iroko don’t know you are going out together, although you go out together.”

  It was Lilly Loveless’ turn to say “What?”

  “People should mind their own business, that’s what it boils down to, doesn’t it?”

  “Exactly,” said Lilly Loveless, curtly.

  Britney got the message and returned to her story.

  ***

  “This next story,” she began, “is about Mr. Wilfred, who used to stay at Lower Eden here in Puttkamerstown. He was married and a father of four. He was a lecturer with one of the high schools in town, and his wife an employee of the Postal Service. Then he caught the Mboma disease, all of a sudden, at least, so his wife thought.”

  “What is the Mboma disease?”

  “I mean the urge to cheat on your wife by going out with younger unmarried women.”

  “I see, the same old affliction.”

  “He became so funny at one point that he deliberately refused to give food money. He was sleeping out but his wife did not know where. This was when she was pregnant with their fourth child. Whenever she met her husband at home, which was rare, she would have him well beaten.”