Married But Available

by B. Nyamnjoh

  Britney started writing, and writing. After some time she set the pen on the small table and began reading, “The lips of Lilly Loveless …”

  Lilly Loveless broke out in laughter at Britney’s creativity and asked for her notebook back.

  Britney hesitated.

  “Don’t , I also just want the next blank page.”

  Lilly Loveless wrote and shared, just as Britney had. Her piece began with, “Britney’s piercing eyes will scare some off and make others look twice or thrice …”

  “Bad,” teased Britney.

  The two of them continued like this, passing the notebook back and forth and filling it with insightful description underscored and infused with a certain intimacy.

  23

  Lilly Loveless shared with Britney two Muzungu jokes she had picked up from the Internet.

  “An old woman is sitting on her veranda one warm evening in spring, when a strange but friendly young man comes and sits beside her, and starts to caress her thigh. Asked why she didn’t stop him, she says, ‘It felt good. Nobody had done that since my husband passed away some 40 years ago.’ The young man began to caress her breasts and when asked why she didn’t stop him, she said, ‘His caressing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!’ Asked what happened next, she said, ‘Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just lay down and said to him: Take me, young man, Take me! But instead of taking her, the young man yelled, ‘April fool!’ ‘And that’s when I shot the little bastard!’ she concluded.”

  Britney didn’t find the joke funny, partly because she felt old people should be respected and celebrated, not laughed at.

  Lilly Loveless told her second joke. “Not long after her wedding, a young woman complained to her mother about her husband’s insatiable appetite for sex. ‘He wants to do it as many times a day as he can get away with, any time, any place, any where – on the table, on the stairs, on the sofa, in the car, in the morning, in the afternoon, and in the evening. I can barely stand it!’ The mother advised her daughter to tell him that she had her period, which seemed like a good idea. So that evening, when the husband came home from work, he proceeded to undress himself and his wife, when she stopped him. ‘I’m sorry honey, but it’s that time of the month.’ The husband got up, looked at his wife, and said, ‘It’s all good honey. I understand.’ He put on a robe and walked away. The wife was somewhat surprised at the mature reaction of her husband, until a few minutes later he returned holding two glasses and a bottle of champagne. So she asked, ‘What’s going on, sweetie?’ ‘We’re celebrating!’ he announced. ‘Celebrating? What exactly are we celebrating?’ wondered his wife. ‘Anal sex week!’”

  “Anal what?” Britney could see Lilly Loveless was really out to shock. Or was it the way with that Muzunguland of hers? “Weird world we live in,” said Britney, clearly showing her distaste for what she had heard.

  In her notebook, Lilly Loveless wrote, ‘On sexuality and morality, another significant difference yet again between Britney and Adapepe. The one more traditional and conservative, the other more modern and adventurous…’ Not having succeeded with either of her jokes, Lilly Loveless went straight to the point. “How do you feel when you climax?” she asked, the idea being to test the limits of Britney’s traditional and conservative perspectives.

  “How do I feel when I climax?” Britney couldn’t believe Lilly Loveless was asking her this question. Was it the beer? Had Lilly Loveless had a bottle too many? Or was it the fact they were together in Room 22 of Mountain View Hotel, talking intimately?

  “Can’t really say,” Britney replied, hesitantly. “This is not something I talk freely about.”

  “Try. I am no stranger, am I? We have bonded over the months, haven’t we?” Lilly Loveless urged.

  “Yes, but…”

  “Yes, but what? … Do it for me please,” Lilly Loveless insisted.

  “OK,” Britney yielded, reluctantly. Shifting uncomfortably, she began, “The intensity varies with each experience. Climaxing is the peak of the sex experience and it brings relief from all that tension. Although it is nice and relaxing, it is not what motivates me to have sex. What I mean is when you have an itch, you don’t scratch it because of the relief, although the relief is a nice reward. You scratch it because you need to just scratch it and you continue scratching it because it feels nice to until relief decides to step in. If you get relief then the itch stops and it ends there.”

  Britney looked up. Lilly Loveless was listening keenly, her digital audio recorder on. She asked Lilly Loveless to switch off the recorder, which she did.

  “The mood and that nice feeling are what make me do it. I love climbing up from one ledge to the other, savouring the experience until I get to the very top where there’s no further ledge to climb and there’s nothing but to fly and eventually come back to earth, with looks and cuddles and kisses.”

  Lilly Loveless wetted her lips with her tongue at the mention of kisses.

  Britney noticed nothing.

  “Tell me more,” said Lilly Loveless.

  “Tell you more?”

  Lilly Loveless nodded.

  “I like the crescendoing that renders me helpless,” said Britney, “the moment I just let go and feel myself bursting through the roof and holding on tightly to my partner to the point where he must wonder if I’m going to break him. I lose track of time. I float. Then things lessen in intensity and the process is repeated again with even more pleasure than before. I relish it and find it almost out of this world. Then I come down. Things ease out gradually. ‘Hello, diminuendo and relaxation.’”

  Lilly Loveless refilled Britney’s glass, one of the rare occasions she drank beer, and called room service to order a bottle of red wine.

  “Do you flirt?” she asked, crossing her legs and looking Britney right in the eyes.

  “You don’t let up, do you, girl?” asked Britney, before adding “Lilly, this is for your ears only. If you expose my story to anyone, I shall never ever talk to you again.” The beer was already playing tricks on her. Normally, she would never be caught telling a perfect stranger her intimate secrets, but here she was letting go with this Muzungulander she barely knew beyond the context of the research she was assisting with.

  Lilly Loveless promised. The story was for her alone.

  Was it the beer? Or was it perhaps the fact of knowing that Lilly Loveless did not belong and was therefore not in a position to use her story against her? Whatever it was, Britney, quite strangely, found herself opening up to Lilly Loveless.

  “You do ask some difficult questions,” Britney adjusted her position and sipped from her glass. “Difficult in the sense that answering them exposes me to you, and influences your opinion of me.” Even then, she was not unaware of the dangers of trusting.

  Lilly Loveless made a sign to say they were friends, adding, “I have an ethical commitment to respect your dignity, privacy and confidentiality as an informant.”

  Not very convinced, Britney said, “I shall answer your questions because others have answered my own questions before and during this research I’ve done for you. And also because they give me the opportunity to articulate arguments I have made in my head over the years.”

  Lilly Loveless could see that Britney was still hesitant. She again reiterated that she was collecting data strictly for her research, adding that she had taken an ethics exam precisely to be in a position to protect the identities of her informants and the confidentiality of what they told her. Britney had said she didn’t want her story shared, and so shall it be.

  What would life be without trust – the licence we give someone to lie to us and be believed? Britney asked herself, deciding to give Lilly Loveless the benefit of the doubt.

  “Everyone has the capacity to flirt depending on their mood,” said Britney. “And I think moods are determined by hormonal secretions to a very large extent, flirting comes naturally to us when the mood hits. We sometimes do not even realise it whe
n we flirt. It’s all in the body language and this is why it’s good for us to be able to read body language. Reading it well enables us to know where we stand with people. For instance, a friend you are trying to convince may be smiling and relaxed with you but if he’s unable to look directly into your eyes, you know that there’s something not quite right. Also interpreting your own body language can help you realise your hidden emotions by making you aware of the signals you are sending out and how to alter them if need be to adjust the message. Just watch, you’ll see that people unconsciously cross their legs in the direction of someone they hanker for or simply appreciate. Women will expose their palms freely, without realizing it, when conversing with someone they feel attracted to or just tender toward.”

  Lilly Loveless readjusted her position upon mention of body language. She hadn’t imagined, consciously, how much Britney was interested in such issues when she first set eyes on her the evening she arrived at Mountain View over five months ago. She also noticed that this time, Britney’s usage of the word ‘flirt’ was conventional, which could mean that the previous connotations she gave the word must have come from those whose stories she was narrating.

  “I could go on and on about body language but that’s not the issue here,” said Britney. “How I feel when I’m attracted to a man is the issue. I naturally flirt. I guess what I’m saying is this. I’m a flirt by nature even when I’m not in the mood. It just flows out. And I have to consciously tone it down sometimes. So people I dislike don’t get the wrong idea and so others don’t pick up on it when it’s directed toward someone I’m attracted to. Needless to say, when I’m alone with that person, there’s no need to fake it and the flirting comes out and in heavy doses.”

  “How interesting!” Lilly Loveless was visibly excited. “Tell me more.”

  “When I feel attracted to a man, I get this nice feeling all over my body and I can’t get him out of my mind. I really watch and analyse his every move. I also feel good and comfortable around him, otherwise I can also feel tense, as if I’m fighting that attraction. But I like being around him nevertheless and often I fantasize about him but it does not mean I want to act out the fantasy. Fantasies can be nicer when not acted. They can stimulate the mind. Sometimes it can literally be healthier to keep them in the mind. That’s why John Keats wrote in his poem ‘Ode to a Grecian Urn’ during the era of Romanticism ‘Heard melodies are sweet, but those unheard are sweeter; therefore ye soft pipes, play on; not to the sensual ear but more endeared, play on to the spirit ditties of no tone.’

  Lilly Loveless felt a tear forming.

  “In sum, that’s how I feel when I’m attracted to a man. Hope my answer is good enough?”

  “Super,” said Lilly Loveless.

  “Lilly, maybe you are also going to get more than you bargained for because I’m feeling quite tipsy. I’m also missing my husband now. I’ve mentioned Providence my fiancé who is studying in Muzunguland, now and again, haven’t I?”

  Lilly Loveless nodded.

  “He says he is going to put diamonds in my nose. I have told him I want to wear a gold chain on my waist,” declared Britney, proudly. “I really love being a girl. I love makeup, jewellery, clothes, shoes, perfume – lots of perfume, and just being fulfilled.”

  “Wow!” Lilly Loveless could visualise diamonds and gold dancing in her head. As for perfume, she had already remarked that Britney wore too much of it, as if uncomfortable with her natural body smells or as if her sense of smell was impaired.

  “Providence is very intelligent, has a vivid imagination, enjoys stimulating conversations, is loving, tender and honest, and is very generous to me and my family. What else can a girl ask for in this day and age?” Britney felt confident and fulfilled.

  “How did you meet?”

  “We were students here at the university until two years ago when he obtained a scholarship to do his Masters in biological sciences. We have a daughter, who is staying with my mother back in our home village. I love Providence so much and I miss him all the time, plus I haven’t made love with him in two years. Why am I going on about this?”

  “Listen to your heart Britney,” Lilly Loveless whispered. “It is therapeutic.”

  “I just feel like reaching out to Providence right now, to soothe his ears with these words: ‘My Dear Providence, it is so difficult to imagine that you are so far away, where I can neither touch nor feel you. I miss you so much and cannot imagine it’s going to be like this for a long time. I want to believe that, like you said, it is only physically and that you are going to be always by my side in spirit. I wish I could touch you right now…”

  “Don’t stop, just go on, express yourself … let go…”

  “Providence, Darling,” Britney went on, staring into the distance. “I need you and I will always do. You mean much more to me than you will ever imagine. I found in you those things that a woman considers precious. You taught me things in a special way like no one else would have done; I shiver in your embrace for example and want you more and more each time we start making love but I sometimes foolishly hide that desire from you. I now regret letting those moments slip by and only reminisce over them when you are away. Sometimes like now I really feel like having you inside me. Oh, as I strike this keyboard alone in this room I just feel like making love to you. Oh, oh. I will lose my mind. … I cannot go on writing until I can have you. I love you, think about me and make love to me let me feel it here all the way from Muzunguland. Every night I will be waiting for you. Please don’t fail me. Always love you. I cannot find what you give elsewhere…”

  Lilly Loveless was impressed by Britney’s ability to fantasize not only about Providence but also about her being alone on her own and typing an email to him.

  The bottle of red wine arrived. Lilly Loveless presented it to Britney saying: “Just for you.”

  “What for?”

  “For all what you’ve done for me, and for just being you.”

  “But I’m the one who invited you to show my gratitude, so I should be the one offering things.”

  “You’ve offered a lot already. So this wine is to thank you.”

  “OK, accepted,” said Britney. “But we must eat something the wine and all the beer we’ve been drinking could stand on.”

  Lilly Loveless accepted.

  Britney, who knew the menu by heart, ordered pepper soup. Lilly Loveless settled for a brochette of the catch of the day, which turned out to be tilapia.

  Britney continued talking. Lilly Loveless was pleased she was getting to know Britney beyond the research assistant of the past months.

  “I have never sniffed cocaine before, never used hard drugs before. Nor smoked any form of tobacco or weed before. The closest I’ve come to smoking was taking two puffs of a smoking paper in order to get a feel of smoke inhalation when I had to write a piece comparing smoking and eating puff puff. Only that once and never again. So maybe I’ve never got high. I don’t know how it feels to get high. The closest I’ve come to experiencing a high is that heady sensation I get when I am attracted to a man. When all my senses are attuned to him, heightened when I’m around him, feeling like someone falling through the clouds and loving every moment.

  “You know what I’m saying? Nipples go hard and pointed like quills stalking desire, abdominal flip flops, and breathlessness.”

  Lilly Loveless nodded.

  “Flirting is just a game to me. I don’t flirt because I want to make love with a man. You never have sex with most of the men you come across. I just skirt around them and flit away before they strike…”

  “So why do you flirt and flit?”

  “It’s just in me. I don’t do it in a calculating way like men. Most of them are out to use or hurt you, with the exception of a few men like my Providence.”

  “So is it a power play thing?” asked Lilly Loveless.

  “Maybe I don’t want anyone to be in control where I am concerned,” Britney admitted. “When you are in control, y
ou don’t hurt easily. Do you?”

  “I guess not.” Lilly Loveless wasn’t sure she understood.

  “But I am not foolhardy.”

  Lilly Loveless passed Britney a tissue to clear her throat.

  Britney thanked her and continued.

  “Flirting is harmless teasing. Teasing is harmful flirting.”

  “I like that. May I quote it?”

  “It’s all yours,” said Britney. “Isn’t it what you are paying for?” she smiled, harmlessly. “I only tease a little. I teased Providence once when we were going out. He fell sick and wouldn’t see the doctor. I made him promise me he would do that and he promised. The promise was on condition that I could do anything to him if he didn’t see the doctor. I knew he wouldn’t see the doctor but he thought he would do it. I know him more than he knows himself and had in mind what I was going to do to him. He would work himself to death if I allowed him and I’d more important plans for him because I’d marked him down to be my husband. True to type, he didn’t go see the doctor. He forgot to because he was working. I ranted and raved till he did but I’d already won that bet.”

  “What did you come up with?” Lilly Loveless was curious.

  “I said to him, ‘Pack a weekend bag. We are going away for the weekend. Put off your phone. No studying all weekend.’ He thought it was a big joke. So off we went down to Sakersbeach to stay with a friend of mine and visit the beach. He needed to relax and that was exactly what I intended to make him do. When we arrived at Sakersbeach, he surprised me. He had enough money on him for us to rent an affordable hotel, which we did.”

  “And then?”

  “Once in the hotel room, I just held him whilst he slept because he had read and worked so hard all day and was so tired. He slept throughout the night and in the morning he felt better. When he woke up I was wearing a transparent top but he didn’t realize. I didn’t expect him to, initially anyway. So we started watching some DVDs we had taken with us. After a while, I just blurted out that my bra was making me uncomfortable, shrugged out of it, flung it somewhere, and went back to watching the movie with all innocence. That was when he realized my blouse was transparent.”