Married But Available

by B. Nyamnjoh

  “That’s a good one,” said Lilly Loveless, jotting down the expression about the leopard in her notebook.

  “Some days back he sent me a card saying ‘true friends are the alphabet of one’s life.’ urging me to accept him, believe in him, call him just to say ‘hi,’ don’t give up on him, envision even the unfinished parts of him, forgive his mistakes, give unconditionally to him, help him, invite him over, just be with him, keep him close at heart, love him for who he is, make a difference in his life, never judge him, offer support to him, pick him up and play with him, quiet his fears, raise his spirits, say nice things about him, tell him the truth when he needs to hear it, understand him, value him, walk beside him, explain things he doesn’t understand, yell when he wouldn’t listen and zap him back to reality. At the end of his defective and dishonest alphabet, he said, ‘Please Britney I need U Back!’”

  “What did you say?”

  “My answer was simply: you’ve never had me!”

  “Is he married, Lovejoy? What line of work does he do?”

  “He is married to a very beautiful girl, in what some four years ago was the wedding of the year. But you needed to hear the disparaging things he told me of his wife. He’s a cheap, mean, little bastard. To tear your wife down in front of some other woman just because you want to sniff her panties doesn’t speak well of any man. Such a man deserves to be shown red, and Vicky and I did indeed show him red pepper.”

  “What line of work?”

  “He is one of those spoilt boys and pampered bastards whose bread is buttered on both sides. He grew up rich and, thanks to bribes, was able to make his way into the club of state treasurers, guaranteed 10 per cent on every payment they make on behalf of the government.”

  “Great,” said Lilly Loveless. “I’d like to hear a bit more about Providence.”

  “What about him?”

  “Everything.”

  “That’s impossible. It would take you the next six months and more of research time just to hear the story of Providence and I.”

  “So tell me what you can. Has he always been the man in your life, your Mr Right?”

  “You really are nosy, aren’t you Lilly?”

  “Yes, I am, research is a nosy business,” Lilly Loveless defended herself.

  “It is more than just research. Not everyone can be a good researcher, so you’ve got to be of a nosy nature to be a good researcher,” argued Britney.

  “That makes the two of us then,” said Lilly Loveless. “Birds of a feather, wouldn’t you say?” She could still hear the birds chirping away just outside the window.

  Britney smiled broadly. “OK, a little more about Providence then.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Providence was not my classmate here at Mimbo. He was doing biological sciences, but he was keeping the same circles as some of my classmates with whom he went to the same secondary and high schools. He admired me, but I admired someone else.”

  “That’s usually the case isn’t it?”

  “That someone else, a boy in the same class as I, and indeed a friend of Providence’s, was a ladies’ man. He made me pregnant and abandoned me with the pregnancy and left for Muzunguland where his posh family wanted him to study. I suffered with that pregnancy at lot. But Providence stood by me all this while. He even owned up as the person who had impregnated me when my parents started asking questions. They almost ate him alive, but he stood by me and eventually weathered the storm.”

  “That was most gallant of him,” said Lilly Loveless, “and rare at this day and age, I must say.”

  “Yes, but when my daughter was born, I received a letter from Donald, her runaway father. Each time I read the letter my heart swelled with anger.”

  “If you remember the letter, it would be great to reconstitute it for me. I’m dying to know what he had to say for himself.”

  “Sorry to have to disappoint you Lilly, but I can’t remember that first letter he wrote. I tore and drowned it with my tears, because all it did was renew wounds I wanted to forget.”

  “I can understand,” said Lilly Loveless. “Sometimes the best thing to do is just to move on.”

  “But it isn’t always easy either,” replied Britney. “At least, in my case, it wasn’t. Although Providence stood by me and readily assumed fatherhood of my daughter, I didn’t immediately respond by taking him on as my boyfriend. Quite strangely, my anger and disappointment with Donald started to die down, and somehow, I would catch myself thinking of him, angrily.”

  “Did you write? Did you phone? What happened?”

  “Your impatience hovers over the rooftop, Lilly. Yes, I wrote, and he replied, and I wrote, and he replied…”

  “Remember any of the letters?”

  “Yes, quite strangely, and verbatim for some.”

  “Tell me more. I want to hear as much as you can remember.”

  “One of his letters stands out well. It was one he wrote in response to one of mine in which I was still very angry, and eager to make him feel just how angry and disappointed with him I was…”

  “Tell me… Did he start the letter with ‘My Darling Britney…’?”

  “How did you know? He indeed did. He called me ‘Darlin’ Brit’, which was the way he would refer to me. As he liked to say, he wanted to be able to call me a name others did not use.”

  “He was loving, after all.”

  “But not responsible,” retorted Britney. “Responsibility is key, you know.”

  “So what do you remember from the letter?”

  “The letter went thus, I think: ‘Darlin’ Brit, I just got done reading your letter the 5th time and each time I read, I have the urge to start replying while reading, but each time, my pen gets heavier to pick up and respond. Even now I have to write with caution.’”

  “That must have been because of the venom you injected into the pages.”

  “Yes, I was biting in the letter. ‘Brit,’ he went on, if my memory doesn’t fail me, ‘the first paragraph or two in your letter sent me smiling like an excited monkey, oh! I am reading from my sweetheart. But when I delved into the real stuff, the bomb you had so carefully embedded in the letter, every single vein on my face stood out, and my face was dark, it was as though I was at an interview with a demon. Then I managed to read through, and the energy that I used to read drained me and I almost collapsed. I stood dumbfounded, angry, sad, confused. Then I shouted aloud: How dare, how dare thee talk to thee lover prince Donald in such a vile fashion? Thy letter beest the greatest challenge thy lord hath faceth. And for a good couple of days and even now, thy letter remains a miasmatic fog that casts an evil veil over my conscience, probing me to search into my conscience and eradicate the devil that hath so corrupted its content.’”

  “When I read this section of his reply, at first I thought he was mocking me, not taking seriously what I had gone through.”

  “But he sounds mocking, light hearted.”

  “If I didn’t know him better, I would have confirmed that impression, but he was always in love with such an old fashion manner of speaking, and of course, I always referred to him as my prince.”

  “I see,” said Lilly Loveless, not totally convinced. “So what else did he say?”

  “He revisited all the trying moments and how he had not lived up to his responsibilities. This is more or less what he wrote: ‘Darlin’ Brit,’ he wrote, ‘I got a lot to tell you. And so I beg your patience to sit still and read through. I was very hurt when I read through your letter. But then, it is a kind of an eye opener to me. And I only realised how bad I have been hurting you by writing crap all the time. I feel like the monster that possessed me to run away from you when I should have been running to you. I have disappointed you repeatedly. And as the saying goes, even a worm can bite when pushed to the wall, and I admit that I had finally pushed you to the wall and it was time for you to strike back. And as it goes, a thief is most annoyed when he is robbed, because he thinks he is the only one who can rob p
eople.’”

  “What did he mean?” asked Lilly Loveless.

  “Just listen,” said Britney. “He went on to say how sorry he was for all his failings in my regard. ‘Darlin’ Brit, I am very sorry, I never really intended to disturb your state of mind, especially in a period when you need a lot of peace. And although you got most of the stuff in my letter wrong, I believe I am the one who gave you cause to do so. And though you won’t believe it, I lied when I said I had stopped loving you and was pretending all along. Instead, I have always loved you and I still do. Even though I have never been really fair to you, I still have my feelings for you. And Darlin’ Brit we all fall to temptations and we all make mistakes.’” Britney sighed incredulously.

  “I felt like asking him to tell me what mistakes I had made with him,” said she. “As far as I was concerned, he had monopolised the mistake making in our relationship.”

  “Men are very good at using that ploy when they have little to say for themselves,” agreed Lilly Loveless.

  “This particular letter was long,” Britney went on. “I had taken time to give it to him in my letter, and he was taking his time to reply to all the charges I had laid before him. ‘I know it’s going to be hard for me to restore my image in front of you,’ he wrote. ‘All you know is that I am an arrogant pig. And what burns in my throat, is the feeling that you may think it is because I am in Muzunguland that gives me cause to be arrogant. But I suit myself when I think that you had always accused me of arrogance since when I was still back home in Mimboland. Even though I cannot change your conceptions, I just want you to understand that at the moment of writing, I never intended to convey any arrogance. Instead I am an unhappy guy who is bitter and angry of having lost the love of his life to some ingrate.’”

  “He dared to call your Providence ingrate?”

  “At this time, I wasn’t yet going out with Providence, as such, but it was rumoured all over that I was. Providence himself did much to sustain that rumour, as he went about telling friends and relatives that he had done what a man is supposed to do by owning up to fathering my daughter.”

  “Love is never really straightforward, even less so, people’s reasons for loving,” said Lilly Loveless, images of Martin, her former boyfriend, flashing through her mind for reasons she couldn’t quite fathom.

  “Then Donald wrote: ‘Darlin’ Brit, I love you and you know that the me who disappointed you is not the me you know. I am a quiet guy, humble, respectful, but who would go at great lengths to keep what he believes belongs to him.’”

  “Bullshit,” shouted Lilly Loveless. “He didn’t keep you when it mattered, did he?”

  Britney continued her recollection of the letter, amazed by how much things had stayed fresh in her mind despite the passage of time. “Donald wrote, ‘But I would not totally deny your allegations. I think I am sick, losing my morals and character. Forgive all the indecent words I used in my letter and all the abuses and I promise I would never use them again on you.’”

  “What right did he have to hurl abuses at you?” Lilly Loveless looked questioningly at Britney. “Since when did the tables turn?”

  “I don’t think the tables changed, but he was trying to take advantage of all the rumours about Providence and I. But the letter was all about his guilt. ‘I admit I was very mean,’ he continued, referring to running away when I was pregnant after trying in vain to persuade me to abort the pregnancy. ‘I never really intended that. Sometimes I behave like a mad man. Even the harsh letter I wrote to you was never intended. All I intended was restoration of a dying relationship. But with the wish of trying to justify my actions, all the bad things I have done to you. I had to do that in reminiscence to your inappropriate acts too. And as soon as I was down memory lane, I just got angry and went off totally. I am really sorry. What I did and said was uncalled for. Darlin’ Brit, I am willing not to ever mention the past and if I don’t have anything good to say to you, I should rather keep quiet.’”

  “He wakes up rather too late in the day, doesn’t he?” remarked Lilly Loveless.

  “It wasn’t yet too late,” countered Britney. “Like I said, I found myself missing Donald more and more, despite his heinous crimes.”

  “Isn’t it strange, this animal called love? Very tolerant yet extremely dictatorial.”

  “Absolutely,” Britney agreed, and continued with her recollections. ‘I have been wrong and very childish and selfish, in that I have always wanted you for myself, wanting all of your attention, and that is really bad. But that is mostly because of my love for you. I had failed to accept the other side of you. That you are very friendly. Extend my apology to all your friends that I may have said some inappropriate things about. That was just part of my jealous fuelled rage. I realise that no matter how disappointing my friends are turning up to be, you have never really bordered to bring them between us, and I really appreciate and admire you for that.’” Britney paused briefly, took a sip, and continued.

  “As you see, he came short of naming Providence, whom he continued to feel, quite unjustifiably, despite my repeated attempts to pump reason into his jealous heart, had stabbed him on the back.”

  “I would say he lost his mind,” said Lilly Loveless. “That is, if he ever had one.”

  For a moment Britney wondered if Lilly Loveless would be so outspoken in her condemnation of Donald, had she not made it known that her heart was now firmly with Providence. Or was Lilly Loveless seeing herself in Britney’s story? Whatever the reason, Britney didn’t dwell on it.

  “I don’t know what spell he was going through in his social life out there in Muzunguland, but his letter was that of a man disturbed not only by our strained relationship. He continued: ‘For once, it keeps dawning on me that you are the only true friend I ever really had. Also, the same friends I curse all the time were there for you when I wasn’t. You know what I am talking about. I think I have been stupid listening to people. Let your friend Josiane know that I don’t have any grudge against her, and that people can poison your mind into having confrontations with people who never had any direct conflict with you. For once I am really ashamed of that.’”

  “What was he on about?” commented Lilly Loveless. “It is true that your story is unusually rich, and that it would take more than a short research trip like mine, to get to know you in your fullness.”

  Britney looked at her with eyes of ‘I told you so,’ and continued her recollection. “Donald wrote something to this effect: ‘Talking about the offer I made about your rent, bills, etc., I was shocked at the manner in which you treated it. Again I don’t blame you. Maybe the other contents of my letter infuriated you into misjudging everything. Darlin’ Brit, I have pity for you quite alright but not through the way you see it. You think I would have pity for you because I am in Muzunguland, I am proud... If that is it, then, you got it all misconstrued.’”

  “What did he offer to do with your rent and bills?”

  “He said he would like to help pay them,” replied Britney. “Indeed, he was about to send me money electronically, and was encouraging me to open an account so as not to keep going to Muzungu Union to collect money.”

  “And you turned down the offer?”

  “Yes, tempting though it was. Poverty has a way of compromising one’s dignity, you know.” Britney looked up at Lilly Loveless. “But I resisted.”

  “You did well,” said Lilly Loveless, full of respect. “Better to be poor in dignity than rich in chains.”

  “That’s the idea, but as you know as well, the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. With us like with Christ, the way to Calvaries is full of challenges, falls and detours… and not enough Veronicas.”

  “That’s profound, Christian though I’m not,” whispered Lilly Loveless.

  “You don’t have to be a Christian to appreciate the wisdom of Christ.”

  “Thanks for reminding me.”

  Britney continued: “Donald continued on the same point of dignity and mis
ery. ‘I have never thought for one moment that you are miserable or lost or whatever,’ he wrote. ‘That would be very inhumane. Remember, all I know is that no condition is permanent. And I would never, and I swear over my beloved and deceased dad’s grave that I would never ridicule, reduce another individual’s pride just because I think I am in a comfort zone.’”

  “I only wish he could keep his actions where his words are,” Lilly Loveless interrupted.

  Britney ignored her and continued. “On derogatory remarks I accused him of making about my parents, Donald explained himself: ‘That is not part of me and it would never be. I never said your dad was a stupid man who died without leaving you guys with any money, or that your mum doesn’t work... or whatever. All I know is that, I know what it means to lose a loved one, things would not run smoothly as they used to. And it was just out of my love and care for you that I had to ask someone about your situation and I am very sorry I was given an utterly wrong impression. But don’t take it that talkative and pompous Teddy wanted to make fun out of you. I am really doubting him now. He told me he always visits your mum and you and you all have a good relationship. But he is someone who likes to exaggerate things. All I thought was that, your family was going to stagger through some hard times before stabilizing, and in God’s name, all I wanted to do was help in one form, and I am gravely sorry that in attempting to help, I hurt your pride.’”

  Britney looked up and said to Lilly Loveless: “Now, before you ask, my Dad died about five months after my daughter was born. He had cancer, prostate cancer. My Mum is a humble woman without much in terms of a profession, which explains why I’ve had to rely on aunts and uncles, and others with a little good will to share. But I want no pity and protect my dignity jealously.”

  “Thanks for sharing your private life with me, which is none of my business, but I suppose we are friends.”

  Britney nodded about the friendship, and pre-empted Lilly Loveless’s next question by saying that Teddy was one of Donald’s friends.