Married But Available

by B. Nyamnjoh

  “That doesn’t augur well,” said Lilly Loveless. “Men who hold back their emotions are not easy to deal with in terms of romance.”

  Amanda-Hope again smiled. She wasn’t going to be pushed by Lilly Loveless and her sense of anticipation to give away her storyline. So she continued: “He replied, not saying much, but saying just enough to keep me going. From my end, the words flowed and flowed, like an open tap: ‘Sometimes I end up having lots of ‘I wish’ thoughts but there is absolutely nothing I can do about that because this dear friend belongs to a darling sweetheart and I belong to a sweetheart too…’”

  “This is a funny world but such things do happen,” said Lilly Loveless.

  “That’s exactly how I ended the mail,” said Amanda-Hope, looking up. “Are you a mind reader by any chance?”

  “No, just Lilly, ordinary Lilly Loveless.”

  “You’ve got a good sense of anticipation,” said Amanda-Hope. Then she continued: “Communication was regular, by email mainly. SMS was difficult, given that I had a tiny little phone on which it was not very easy to thumb words. I remember sending him an email one morning which read something like this: ‘Hi Coeurdelion, Good morning to you and how are you today? I slept well but the sleep was dreamless so this means I didn’t get to dream about my dear sweet friend.’ He replied: ‘What a pity,’ which I took as encouragement to write back with anything, my news. So I told him that my husband, regional delegate of tourism, had gone on a two week tour of eco-tourism sites in the various divisions of the region. Soon after sending him the mail, I castigated myself for doing it. Why had I sent him the mail? Was it to let him know that the coast was clear and he could come to visit? It was weird, which only went to show that I was completely smitten by this lionhearted man I hardly knew.”

  “I know that feeling, and I know the impulse of subliminal cues as well,” said Lilly Loveless, who now had stories enough in her reservoir to know exactly what she was talking about.

  “Later in the day, I sent him another email, a long one. It must have read something like this: ‘I had a most interesting experience at the gym yesterday. I was feeling rather low, so I decided to get to the gym in the morning, not my usual time of 4:30 - 6pm. The operators were surprised to see me that early. After booking for a 30 minutes massage I decided to go on the treadmill for 30 minutes. After about 10 minutes on the treadmill, one of the muscular youthful instructors came to say hi. I noticed he was visibly glad to see me and the handshake was longer than usual. I ignored that and continued the exercise. At the end of the treadmill regime, I noticed that he was waiting to help me with my stomach exercises which I was grateful for too. About 20 minutes into that, we got talking. He wanted to know why I’d scarcely been to the gym for about 10 days instead of my usual twice or thrice weekly regime. Not wanting to get into small talk, I told him I was taken ill and decided to keep off. I was shocked when this instructor told me that he missed me and had been checking the register to see when I’d sign in. I was amused because I didn’t expect that. So I asked him how old he was. He said 22 years. I then told him I’m 30, married with two kids and wondered why he never noticed that I used to come to the gym with my husband most of the time.”

  “That was great!” said Lilly Loveless, “the sort of answer to send him spinning.”

  “My new admirer was a bit disappointed but that did not deter him from trying,” said Amanda-Hope. “He said that if that is the case, then I must be the envy of most of my mates because I look great and ten years younger. I was flattered but did not blush.”

  Lilly Loveless looked up when she heard the word blush. It was the first time a Mimbolander was using it as a possibility in their regard, which in this case was understandable, given her fair skin. She made a note of the contextual relevance of words, and how words are like seeds that will only germinate and flourish where the soil was right.

  Amanda-Hope continued with the story of her gym encounter: He told me that he loves mature ladies and that he has not been attracted this much to anybody since he started working in the gym, until now. He even volunteered to make private arrangements for home workout anytime I don’t have time to come.”

  “A dangerous move, if you ask me,” commented Lilly Loveless.

  “I told him that was not necessary and I reminded him that there are a lot of sweet younger ladies dying to get his attention and that this lady he has his eyes on is definitely not for him. I ended up chatting for up to an hour with him, used words with care so as not to bruise his ego and ended up making him comfortable with me instead of being embarrassed.”

  “Nice and sensitive of you,” said Lilly Loveless.

  “I shared this funny yet not so funny experience with Coeurdelion in an email. I think I told him I used to think I was crazy, but never knew that there are crazier people out there trying to pick on lonely looking ladies with supposedly fat purses. This got me thinking: see what Herbert is putting me through by going on tour without me? I really must have looked lost yesterday. At the end of my abridged version of the crazy experience, I asked him what he thought of it, adding ‘I hope you are not laughing!’”

  “And what did he say?”

  “I don’t know how exactly he replied, or if he replied at all to this particular mail. Perhaps he never did. Maybe he concluded I was too direct, and decided not to fall into my trap.”

  “Was it a trap?”

  “No, I don’t think so, but I do know that if a day passed without me writing to him or hearing his voice on the phone, I would feel terrible. How could a perfect stranger assume such a command over my life? I’d always read in fiction of these kinds of things. Hardly could I imagine something like this happening to me.”

  “These things happen, and are a lot more common than most of us think, initially, when they happen to us,” Lilly Loveless shared her wisdom and privileged knowledge as a researcher.

  “Time passed, e-communication flowed, and once in a while a phone call as well, between Coeurdelion and I. One day, a year or so after I first met him at the seminar in Nyamandem, my husband was again on tour, or was he? I can’t remember, but he was away all the same. Coeurdelion called and left a message on my cell phone which I had forgotten at home when I went into town to do my hair. So when I got home and called back repeatedly in vain, I went to the cybercafé nearby, and wrote him an email, a copy of which I kept. For some reason, I always CCed myself all mails I sent to him, which is why I printed and brought them along not to give you, but to read out to you.”

  “I’m grateful,” said Lilly Loveless, thinking how much easier it would be for her if Amanda-Hope would simply pass the emails over. But respect for ethics and privacy being of essence in research, she was forced to take copious notes. She imagined what life would be like if she didn’t care at all about research ethics: Would her data be necessarily richer? What would people say and do once they found out she had betrayed their confidence? What would fellow scientists call her – an academic vandal, hooligan, fraudster or what? And would she be any happier? Not at all, Lilly Loveless resolved, preferring to play strictly by the rules. Scientific breakthroughs must wait if it takes violation of human dignity, privacy and confidentiality to attain.

  She continued, “The email read:

  “‘Hi Coeurdelion, I hope it is safe to write about this dear sweet friend. He called me this evening but we couldn’t get to talk very well. I called back but he was a bit busy, but promised to call tomorrow. I tried sleeping but I could not because I was shaken up. Why? I have a very strong feeling for this dear sweet friend that I can’t help it any longer. I’ve tried so hard to contain it but it keeps overwhelming me. I am so embarrassed because I am not supposed to feel that way.

  “‘He told me to keep him very close to his heart, but he’s been there for about a year now, that my heart is threatening to burst. The whole feeling took me by surprise, partly because it is very strong and also of the fact that I am not allowed to feel that way towards another man. The w
orst part is that this dear sweet friend belongs to a sweetheart, just like me.

  “‘I think about this dear friend every day and smile to his funny jokes. His jokes bring a smile to my face, and I smile anytime I remember him. I look so happy these days that people around me are beginning to notice. They claim that I look very beautiful and I also glow from inside. I glow because I am hopelessly in love with a love that can never be, because I have a love already, likewise him. That is life, sometimes, very tricky. I hope this dear sweet friend will not be embarrassed by this, and will not make fun of this as usual. I feel a lot lighter talking it out, and I am not proud of this.’”

  “How did he react?” Lilly Loveless asked, scribbling away, using both conventional and creative forms of shorthand, as she was determined to miss out on no detail.

  “The next day he called to thank me for my mail, stressing how important it was for me to exhale as the best way of controlling my powerful feelings. I don’t know what I must have read into his call and words, but later that night I was at the cybercafé again, writing.” Amanda-Hope flipped through the bunch of emails, until she found the right one. She had meticulously numbered them with a bold marker.

  Amanda-Hope read: “‘Hi Coeurdelion, guess you will read this mail tomorrow. Can’t get to sleep, so decided to write. I’ve been having problems falling asleep and hope to overcome this soon. Hope my mail is safe with you. Thanks for everything and thanks for understanding how pertinent it is for me to exhale. I was almost going crazy. You know I met you a little over a year ago. I met a very funny man that impressed me with his humour and command of issues. I was almost disappointed when I realized that many other women at that seminar were fascinated by the person I have come to call my dear sweet friend. The whole thing was so funny but instead of getting pissed off, I wanted to get to know him more, so I found myself looking out for him during lunch breaks.

  “‘When I got back to Puttkamerstown, I wanted to contact my funny friend but realised that I hadn’t your email so I decided to check that out on Google. I wrote to you because I wanted to tell you something special about you which most people take for granted – the fact that you are naturally a happy person. I also found myself writing and looking out for those magic mails from you that make my day. I grew very fond of you and the mails spilled from every other day to weekly and then to almost daily. I tried so hard to stop writing but I couldn’t. When you kept replying, I was happy and also thought that you were just being polite. I also noticed that I started thinking about you a lot, a feeling I tried very very hard to ignore because it was very embarrassing.

  “‘My perception of the feeling changed dramatically when I stumbled on a song by Celine Dion which goes like this – I’m scared, so afraid to tell you I care, will he find me weak, love can be so cruel, I don’t know what to do. I was so disturbed and I was a bit absentminded for days, which Herbert noticed but could not get to know the cause of my withdrawn state. I was really ashamed of myself and of falling in love with a love that I can never have. I was so scared that I sometimes asked Herbert if I talked in my sleep, for fear of calling out your name in my sleep, and he assured me that I didn’t.

  “‘I tried several times to relay how I felt in my mails, but was really scared to make it obvious, while you continued to make fun of the whole situation. I tried very hard to forget, but it was impossible. This dramatic turn came after my experience with the gym attendant, whom I tried so hard to console after his confession. Unfortunately I have even bigger problems eating me up with no soul to talk to and probably nobody to understand. So I decided to be bold, bail myself from the misery and talk to you, perhaps you will understand. I had to take that decision because I was sick and shaken up inside. I was not physically sick, but never realised that emotional sickness could be that strong.

  “‘I love Herbert and respect him a lot, but when I met him the feeling was not all consuming as this. I’m not angry with you for this, rather I feel really happy for having the opportunity of experiencing such deep and intense feelings about someone, unfortunately at the wrong time. Somehow, I did not expect you to feel something more than a mere affection for me, but was really surprised and touched when you told me that you felt the same way too. I still wonder why we allowed ourselves to fall into this mess. Hope that time will take care of us. Sorry I had to write this so long a letter. I still can’t get to sleep. Maybe I will read for an hour or so. Sweet dreams. Amanda-Hope.’”

  “Wow!” exclaimed Lilly Loveless. “Very moving.”

  “Until these two letters, I had written to him from my normal email account, where the closest I came to something like these letters was when I wrote to him teasingly: ‘Once in a while I have some naughty thoughts. Last night I found myself wondering If you are circumcised or not (don’t scream), and trying to visualise how big you are (don’t scream), though you tried to convince me this morning that you are very big, I could feel that and I actually came but was very embarrassed to tell you when you asked. I also visualized them in my mouth too (don’t scream). Coeurdelion, we are both crazy. I know I will be very shy to look straight in your eyes when next we meet because of this crazy stuff. I’ve never been this crazy before. Maybe in the near future, we may get to meet somewhere. Maybe at another seminar where other participants should be strangers, so we can have the whole time to ourselves. I would love that very much and I know you can identify that kind of opportunity much easier than I ever could. Just send me a flyer if you know that you will be there and that I’m also qualified to attend. Anything on Gender, HIV/AIDS and/or Development would suit me fine. Now I’m being very forward. Sorry about that. Please delete this mail.’”

  “You cannot always count on them to do as you bid,” said Lilly Loveless, thinking of her own personal headaches in this regard. “What did he say?” The story was getting more and more interesting, and Lilly Loveless was doing her level best to follow and write at the same time. She was writing so hard that she feared she might develop blisters on her fingers.

  “When he received my two mails, he advised me to open another email account on which we could exchange freely on the matter. He obviously did not want any of our mails to be intercepted. So he replied to me through the new account, which was the first and last email I read from him that was longer than a few words or lines. I have stored this mail and have read it several times that I can recite it like my favourite passages of the Bible.

  “He wrote: ‘Dear Amanda-Hope, many thanks for both mails. I’m glad you opened this address so we could speak openly, and hopefully, talk you out of this intense emotion. I feel flattered that you find me attractive, and as I have also indicated, I do find you attractive. But this does not mean that it should necessarily lead to anything intimate, anything beyond a very good friendship. I am married and you are married. I respect my wife very much and so do you your husband Herbert, who after careful investigation, happens to be a very good friend to a very close colleague of mine. I can never do anything to hurt him, just as I can’t do anything to hurt my wife – at least not with you as the wife of a dear friend to a close friend.

  “‘Now that you have aired yourself out, I respect you all the more for it. Please do not feel embarrassed about your feelings, but put them in perspective. These things happen, but what would the world be if we were taken over by everything that happens? I shall always respect you as a friend, and indeed, shall do everything to encourage you in your interests and all, but I want it to end at that. So please kindly keep things in check, knowing that you’ve got a very good friend in me. This is not meant to break your heart, but rather to stop things growing out of hand. Have a great day. Coeurdelion, your friend.’

  “His response was not what I expected.”

  “It was callous, insensitive, to say the least,” Lilly Loveless agreed.

  “I was devastated.”

  “I can imagine.”

  “I wrote, I called and I sent SMS to him, partly apologising and partly angr
y.”

  “Apologised? What for…?”

  “When I noticed impatience in his voice, I sounded very stupid and confused. Of course, it left me with a bruised ego and a stronger determination to get back to normal. I called because I wanted to explain a particular decision I had to take, which was to stop calling him for sometime because I realised I got excited anytime I heard his infectious voice and laugh, and this made nonsense of my effort to put an end to my unhealthy feelings. Then I blamed him as well. Maybe we got very close, open and trusting in our mails and phone calls that the emotional aspects of it came naturally; maybe we got a bit carried away. I understood his call for a more neutral relationship, but it was perhaps the abruptness that had unsettled me.”

  “That was very gracious of you,” said Lilly Loveless.

  “It is not as if my two emails were entirely from the blue. No! He used to tease me in his emails, SMS and phone calls, leading me on as it were.”

  “That’s why I think you let him off too easily by even suggesting that you were to blame. You should not have apologised. You should…” Lilly Loveless was, all of a sudden, really heated up.

  Amanda-Hope appreciated the sisterly solidarity and looked in her repertoire for further evidence to prove the point. “Often, he would call or SMS me at most unusual hours, especially when he knew that Herbert was not around. I remember emailing him following one such phone call: ‘Hello dear Coeurdelion, I wrote. It was nice of you to wake me up this morning and your request was out of the blue. I loved it very much, though I was surprised initially. I still feel warm inside. I hope you are alright now, is it still hard? This mail sounds terrible and raw. I always wonder why we are terribly attracted to each other in spite of everything, what is wrong with us? I can never get tired of asking that. Two nights ago, I couldn’t sleep because of some naughty thoughts I had. Remember I sent you a text message that night. Anyway since we can’t have each other, our dreams are always there to manipulate things. I feel warm anytime I think of you because I visualise you as a friend and a lover. Take care. I will write the second and third mail now and hopefully, you will get to forgive me.’”