Married But Available

by B. Nyamnjoh

  However, Desire finds that in reality, this does not exist. People get into relationships as some kind of extractive industry in which one grabs whatever is available from the other party and gives very little in return. It is obviously harmful to its victims, those from whom stuff or essence is extracted. Being at the receiving end of such relationships, and observing others, has made Desire a cynic.

  In these relationships, honesty goes out the window. To tell one’s partner the truth about oneself is to end the relationship on the spot. Otherwise the truth leads to one being stereotyped.

  Desire also knows that for women, at least in the cultural setting of Mimboland with which she is familiar, pretence, lies and manipulation are the way to a permanent relationship. “They lie about what they want, pretend that they are OK with shoddy sex – claiming that it is the best in the world – and manipulate men into a corner where they are made to do the women’s bidding. This is done through mind games, herbs in food or as pessaries to tighten, warm or dry their womanhood or the body.”

  Desire finds it stupid if not downright harmful. Besides it is too much effort pursuing shadows because often what men really want is not communicated.

  If her Mimboland brothers want tight womanhoods, Desire would rather have women exercise their pelvic muscles than add abrasives into their passageways.

  That sadly is the reality.

  Those not able to play what she terms “the game of manipulations and bits of pounded vegetative matter here and there” are left for being difficult, impossible, etc. She remarks, “I guess the herbs work! For me, it is not love when the other party is forced or otherwise manipulated to do what he would rather not do.”

  Her theory on cheating between lovers is simple: “It is because partners’ needs are not known and catered for that people cheat on each other. Mutual suspicion thrives unchecked. Tension if not open conflict is the order of the day.”

  Desire also thinks love as defined or described is equally determined by socio-cultural settings. She says in her cultural setting, women cannot express their emotional and/or sexual needs if they want to stay in a relationship long term. “To be seen as decent women or ‘wife material’ women have to make do with 30 second sex sprints and fly pasts. Its about accepting that very little is so much, that a bite size snack is a feast, that a fraction of a minute is all that. Not only are most men unable to improvise when or if they realize that the meal is understood as an inadequate and cheap street snack desperately pretending to be an exquisite feast, many do not seem to know what else to do.”

  Desire says she knows so because of stories she hears from other women. Stories which are both bizarre and entertaining, but speak to frustration which understandably sends some women to adultery. Stories of women sitting in a tub of warm water, not that she understands how this works, to make something of the puny offering; women who use their fingers, vibrators, horse riding, fantasies, suggestive language, etc.

  To Desire, the fact that most men still find this laughable because without a phallus women’s sexual pleasure is doomed as far as they are concerned, is laughable. “They are damn wrong”, she says.

  According to Desire, “women in the whole range of woman-to-woman sex, where women pleasure each other are also seen as child’s play, not the real thing.” After all, when two women are together what can they possibly do, people wonder? Men laugh them off in general, especially those who shop around for substitutes or alternatives that are obviously mimics of the male phallus which has fallen out of favour with them.

  It makes her wonder what the fuss is about given the sorry state of affairs in many a heterosexual relationship. The reason why these things are not easy to communicate is, she thinks, lack of openness and honesty in relationships. If women say it like it is, it is tantamount to saying to a man that his lineage is full of man-eating beasts. It’s an insult which most men cannot live with.

  Desire thinks it is better not to be in a relationship when the pickings are this complicated. Who needs the constant threat of insanity?

  To her, some women choose to marry for image and status. They deal with relationship shortfalls through other creative means. Besides, marriage enables one to raise children ‘decently’. On the children front, she realizes that maybe not being in a relationship is a disadvantage. However, it is also too much of a sacrifice to live with a man who could be defined as a torturer, Abu Ghraib-style; getting a woman sexually excited and expectant and leaving her in suspense day after day for the sake of children. In that situation, she thinks she would die or do something outrageous.

  Of course, churches, she says, tell women to tame their desire which in some cases is described as demonic. It’s always a woman’s problem, is it not? Other women also go to church to ‘tame’ the flesh. This, to her, shows that women sometimes have no vocabulary or safe space to express these issues. No one allows them to explicitly tell men. After all, women are not supposed to be sexual beings beyond wifing, mothering and babysitting men. As for single mothers, they should attribute their state of affairs to some wayward men who ‘spoiled’ them and left without taking responsibility. Not always true.

  Desire sincerely believes that if there was a way for men and women to truly satisfy each other, people would not philander. She imagines that the pleasure of truly satisfying and being satisfied by one’s partner would be enough for people to stay faithful.

  She admits there is the question of variety. But depending on the type of variety sought, even then she thinks this should be a matter of mutual agreement.

  She imagines that if she was in a relationship in which she was aware that her partner desires other experiences that she is unable to offer, that in his pursuit of these pleasures he would be safe for both their sakes, and was assured that he would not forget his obligations to her, she does not see why she would not let him explore his needs elsewhere.

  She also knows that there are many instances where these arrangements are entered into between men and women in long-term relationships. The point for her is that these pleasures, needs and pursuits should be communicated openly. As a partner she should also have the right to agree or decline to partake in them.

  In reality this does not happen.

  As Desire says, studies show that in many instances, men marry the women they do not like to be with, but like to be with women they cannot marry. This is a contradiction because, for some reason, men cannot demand or negotiate some of their desires in so-called permanent relations, for some reason. It is as if these relations are so sacred that only certain forms of pleasure can be pursued in them. Other pleasures pollute marriage or otherwise devalue it. On the other hand, pleasures pursued outside marriage, though appreciated, somehow devalue partners who provide them, making the women unmarriageable. “I guess this is why some wise women repackage themselves and sanitize their pasts for marriage. This precludes certain pursuits which the women themselves may fancy. This makes relationships a smoke and mirrors game of lies, manipulation, deceit and more.”

  Finally, Desire thinks that love, as defined, allows partners to be whoever they want to be. There is room for ‘comfortable silence’ because they are content. She explains: “What I mean is that at any given time, it should be acceptable for one of them to read the Bible while the other surfs a porn site.” There should be no tension or sense of threat because there is agreement about what the relationship is and is not about. Where common interests lie and where they diverge. The point of divergence needs not be a source of conflict but room for each partner to have personal space.

  Yes, imagine that coupledom can be stifling, especially where there is an expectation that two grown up individuals have to be together, do things together, eat together, sleep together, etc., for years and years. She would find that stifling. So there should be room for either party to take off and recharge their batteries alone somewhere without the feeling that such action is a sign of rejection, a threat to coupledom.

  “I person
ally withdraw to music and reading, both light and heavy. If I was in a relationship, I would hate a situation where these personal pleasures are rendered anti-social simply because I am in a relationship. I know that sometimes this happens especially to women.”

  Personal space for women is taken up by entertaining, housekeeping, man keeping, etc. This, to Desire, kills the human spirit. Time alone, once a week or more often, if possible, engrossed in these anti-social pursuits, revitalizes a woman. Even when not in a relationship, when there are other people in the house, she finds sometimes she wants to be alone, in a corner somewhere. So she spends time in her study or bedroom watching a movie, reading and/or listening to some music. It makes her reconnect with herself, an important prerequisite to connecting with other people, she believes.

  Psychologists also say so. People who have no personal pursuits are given to resentment, especially towards people they should love. In fact, they begin to look at them as extracting essence from them and giving none.

  Yet, sometimes one gives herself some zest by creating ‘me-time’. Sometimes she feels this is why women nag, demand so much and are given to whinge fests or resort to retail therapy which in some cases is seen as frittering away the man’s money to get even, where the man brings the bulk of the bread away and beacon. Spending/consumption to Desire is a way of restoring lost value, alienation, loss of identity, etc. It is also a way of getting men’s attention with clothes, perfumes and hairstyles. The point is: why can’t men’s attention be obtained without these props?

  Desire concludes: When all is said and done, these are thoughts of a woman who is not so knowledgeable in these things especially how they are done in practice. A woman who is a million times unlucky in love or has not learnt the script well enough to live it.

  “As a single person,” Desire reckons, “I am obviously not so knowledgeable about some of the benefits of sacrifices of men and women to make unworkable relationships work. Maybe because I come from a society that willingly or otherwise decided two generations ago that initiation of its youths is no longer necessary, many of us grow up without compasses so we go from one mistake to the next; learn on our hooves while trotting to unknown destinations in our lives. Who knows whether or not what we learn is worthwhile? All I know is it is a jungle out there. There are many predators and carrion eaters to clear off the walking wounded or any bits which the big predators could bother to reach. One has to be smart enough to either stay out of harm’s way or out to get precisely and only what she wants. As one Internet joke says about women’s dating these days, ‘why get a whole pig when all you want is a 60g sausage?’ The word play is intended, of course.

  “One could say changing dating habits results from as well as points to the streamlining and standardisation of life. In Muzunguland, people work for 11 months and take a vacation to a place with sun and sand to look for sex. In other words, it’s a tidy, compartmentalized life which on the one hand acknowledges that love is hard to get, but on the other sex can be mixed with relaxation to create a storybook romance. What can be read into this is a sense of sex as the only thing people cannot meaningfully do on their own. Never mind sex toys, technology and cyberspace. Even this challenges the whole idea of love: relationships, are they possible, necessary, or are our lives such that people can do without most of the frothy, messy bits, except perhaps that one thing? People do not like to ‘waste’ time on low return activities. So the precision that goes with streamlined, standardized and routinised lives leads people to getting the sausage and bugger the pig. However isn’t romance perhaps about cooing/fussing about the pig while getting the sausage? On the other hand, who really cares? Is love so important? Is it not subjective? If some pursue sausages and are happy with them and others want the whole pig, who is to say who is better or worse than the other? Wrestling the pig for the sausage has its fun bits, but, boy oh boy, the dirt, stench and bruises linger afterwards. So love is complex. I think it has no formulae. Sometimes it is found outside convention. Sometimes it defies understanding to those watching on the sidelines. Still, it is an important human condition which we all need. People get in and out of relationships in search of it.”

  At the only conference Desire has ever attended outside Mimboland, she learned something about love and power amongst women that she had not known before, something strange but understandable. The meeting was on Global Feminist Citizenship, and she had been invited because of a paper she had done titled “‘She goes to bed dressed like a football coach’: Sexual Strikes and Stringency by Mimboland Women during Political Upheavals”. This paper had somehow found its way to the Internet, and was said to be used by leading feminists of the globe as evidence that even in Africa beneath every compliant woman is a latent feminist citizen of the globe.

  So there she was, at this all important meeting, rubbing shoulders with the cream of the cream in women’s interests.

  “The beauty of being a Lilliputian is that sometimes people ask one to do things because one is harmless,” Desire explained. “I could never kill a fly on the wall, honestly, not even if the fly was dead already….”

  “Any thoughts on pornography?” asked Lilly Loveless, not wanting Desire to stop talking.”

  “Pornography?” Desire was taken by surprise.

  “My study has no taboo subjects, and pornography being one of the arenas where consumerism and power are played out through the commodification of sex, I would like to know your thoughts on the phenomenon,” Lilly Loveless read verbatim from her research proposal, as is afraid not to mention a word out of turn or place.

  “For me this is complex,” smiled Desire, hesitantly.

  “Try,” insisted Lilly Loveless. “I just want your thoughts, any thoughts. There are no right or wrong thoughts on the matter.”

  “You sure are persuasive.”

  Lilly Loveless smiled alluringly.

  “OK, I’ll try. Let me warn you upfront that I’m thinking on my feet, as I haven’t reflected on the matter before.”

  “I like it when you think on your feet.”

  “The point is what kind of porn is it… Is it hardcore or soft porn?”

  “What is the difference for you?”

  “One is like watching Jerry Springer, the other like Oprah Winfrey.”

  “That’s good! Beautiful! Can I quote this?”

  “Yes, you can,” Desire said and continued with her reflections on the matter: “Porn would be fine if the script was not about violence, dominance and abuse. I do not understand humans’ addiction to pain and discomfort. When I think of porn, I see it as make-believe in which men are invariably conquerors with their gigantic penises and unending erections. I see it as an expression of certain forms of masculinity where putting down women is key, where power is about conquering, occupying, penetrating, and pinning down a woman…. Men love to occupy territory…women are of course part of the territory…. Where this does not happen some of the female performers are drugged to create the illusion of being so horny, needy or having the mother of all climaxes. What we should question are some niches in these performances where for instance there are double penetrations – when 2 men penetrate one woman sometimes in one orifice, double anals, etc. I wonder what that is about. Is it not about male bonding, with the woman providing a platform for them to bond?”

  “I haven’t quite given it much thought, myself,” said Lilly Loveless, not wanting the reflections to be a joint effort.

  Desire continued: “That porn is a heterosexual male script is also seen in the ideal of the gigantic ‘performing penis’ which I understand is so supernatural that it turns on in spite of the woman, hence the term ‘performing penis’. This is a fantasy even if some men have conditioned their penises for the camera lens. The men are always well built, in charge and big. It’s not over until he is done, when he ejaculates usually all over her as if to prove that it has really happened. The ‘invisibilisation’ – I did not create this word – of women is seen in that we do not see �
�objectively’ when or how it is over for women because they are dependent on the performing penis’s continued functionality. Once it’s off duty the woman is left in the lurch. So what women think is of no consequence. All these nuanced and sometimes overt cues in the flicks propagate this idea that women’s feelings do not matter. Sex is about male performance, exertion and the moment of ejaculation and all its loaded cultural significances. Women are vesicles for this. It is this reading of porn which I find disturbing.”

  Lilly Loveless resisted the temptation to interrupt with a question on in what way this was disturbing.

  So Desire went on: “I also think that poverty, deepening poverty for the majority of Africans side by side with harsh dehumanizing armed conflicts pushes people to accept hardcore porn. This is one more, albeit pleasurable, abuse. For some people this may be a way of exorcising traumas, conflict, or abuse in the family… when social norms do not matter or mean anything at all. Actors of porn are invariably poor people, victims of war or other injustices who are in it for the money for themselves, their families or captors. I’m not saying that beauty and performance has no part to play, but matters of basic bread and butter override those when it comes to co-optation of Africans into the hardcore porn industry – which, as far as I am concerned, is at the forefront of everything rotten in this world, especially with the proliferation of digital camcorders and backstreet hotels, where every manner of illegality goes on with utmost impunity. You’d be amazed by what goes on even here with students from our university. Recently there was the scandal of a student who, on her own accord, uploaded nude pictures of herself onto the web – casting her fishing net on the World Wide Web, she told her friends.”

  “I’ve heard something like that,” Lilly Loveless agreed without elaborating.