Married But Available

by B. Nyamnjoh

  Similarly, a very rich and beautiful woman every midday drives out of town, parks her car and goes into a farm. One day three Peeping Toms follow her out of curiosity. She parks her latest Mercedes, goes onto the farm, goes under a big tree, puts out a cloth, undresses and lies down naked, her legs spread out. In a couple of minutes, a big dark smooth snake slides down graciously from the tree and enters her fully. She screams and cries with the pleasure of pain, as they make love like normal people, wriggling and giggling as she climaxes. When it is over and the snake retires, she keels over and starts vomiting money. Then she picks up the money and her clothes, dresses up, goes happily back to her car and drives home smiling money.

  “I’m inclined to think that in both cases it was the marabout or medicine man who asked these ladies to do something like that,” guessed Mariette. “It isn’t uncommon for marabouts to ask people to do strange things in broad daylight or at night in order to have power, wealth or whatever they want. We live in strange times…”

  It is the heart of the night. A woman has hired a taxi and asked him to drive round the city with her. After an hour of driving around in this curious manner, the driver asks the woman where exactly she wants him to take her. He thought that she was probably disturbed from the fugitive manner in which she kept looking out of the window. It was then that the woman revealed to him that she absolutely needed to make love with a madman before the crack of dawn to stay alive. Full of goodwill, the taxi man commits himself to help her out. He starts a race against time, visiting all the corners of the city which he knew madmen to frequent at night. But that was not a night like the others, as the madmen seemed mysteriously to have disappeared from where he ordinarily would meet them. By dawn, the result was zero mad man. Resigned to her fate, the young woman thanked the taxi man for his assistance all the same, paid him MIM$50000 for the hire, and disappeared into the heart of dawn to assume her brutal fate.

  Mariette was certain that this was a clear case of a secret cult, which, as is traditional with such sinister groups, had asked her to make an impossible sacrifice. Her failure to fulfil her commitments meant the ultimate sacrifice of all – her life.

  She was full of anecdotes, Mariette, and as long as Lilly Loveless had room for Mimbo-Wanda and in her notebook, she was ready to keep going. Her favourite anecdote, judging from the hearty manner in which she laughed at the end of telling it, was about the misadventures of a well-placed family man in the residential area of Ndondon. This man, hungry for something, went out to a nightclub in his neighbourhood after persuading his wife and children to take a holiday to their home village. At the nightclub, the man identified a young person whom he persuaded to accompany him to a hotel. Once at the hotel, the young person persuaded the man to penetrate him from the anus, as this was more pleasurable. Surprised by this unusual sexual preference, the man hesitated, but curiosity pushed him to go long all the same. But when the young person unaddressed, the man realized to his consternation that it was actually a young man that he was dealing with. In blind fury, he attacked the young man and beat him up mercilessly, then ran out of the hotel, forgetting to settle his bills. The next day, the police were after him with burning questions following a report by the young man, of indecent assault and sodomy. But as these things happen, not long after receiving compensation for a crime that was not committed, the young man was arrested by the police in the neighbourhood of the town hall for attacking and fatally wounding another young man whom he said was his lover, but whom he caught propositioning a female prostitute, something he couldn’t forgive.

  Mariette said it was increasingly common, the phenomenon of young male prostitutes interested mainly in men, but also in women, “like a door that opens in all directions.” It was the trend, she confessed, “not because I want to moralise”, she added, “but because of the context and circumstances in which they do what they do.” According to her, given the high level of unemployment and the excruciating misery engineered by chronic poverty, such young men desperate to make ends meet have little control over their bodies, and are dictated to by those with money and the power to give value. “And as you know, he or she who pays the piper calls the tune, and uncultured as they are, the paymasters of Mimboland call the most bizarre and satanic of tunes. They are filthy in their habits and lack the discipline that comes with wealth well-earned and well-tamed. Also, they are deep in superstition, believing everything their marabouts, diviners and cults tell them to do or not to do, which are usually filthy, degrading and debasing of all that is human, virtuous and civilised. The result is that the young men and women entrapped, humbled and humiliated by the money they falsely claim to be theirs, become moving lethal reservoirs of all sorts of impurities of the flesh and the soul, which is why more and more people have taken up the habit of smelling in strange ways…”

  Lilly Loveless made sure she took down every single word, to chew and digest later.

  Mariette’s next anecdote was about a young woman who, suspecting her husband of having an affair with his secretary decides to surprise him at his office where he stays late on the pretext of work. At the office, she finds her husband effectively has company. Convinced that it is the woman of her suspicions, she opens the door abruptly only to find herself face to face with an incredible scene. Her husband is in full action, not with the secretary as she thought, but rather with another man, her husband’s boss to whom she has always gone to complain about his infidelity.

  Was it a coincidence that many of Mariette’s anecdotes centred on homosexual encounters and relationships? Lilly Loveless could see a copy of one of the homophobic newspapers lying on one of the tables, and was sure that Mariette had read it. She was also sure that Mariette had overhead what the Minister of Forced Arms said, but to what extent did this condition her choice of anecdotes? Whatever the case, Lilly Loveless was pleased with the stories she was getting, as her research demanded that she captured as representative a picture as possible.

  Mariette continued. At Beverly Hills, the poshest residential area in Nyamandem, a young man out for a walk with his sister remarks on car following them without overtaking, although they are walking very slowly. Convinced that whoever is driving the car is interested in his sister, he decides to walk away leaving his sister behind, in order to allow the man room to act. But the driver, instead of following the young girl, bypasses her and heads for and beckons at the young man to come. Surprised but curious, the young man approaches. It is then that the man behind the steering takes out a wad of banknotes and tenders to him saying: “This money is all yours, if you accept to follow me to a hotel and to pass the night there with me.” Believing to have misunderstood the man, the young man asks: “What am I going to do with you in a hotel? Do you need me to be present in order to have a good time with my sister?” The man replied: “Your sister is pretty but it is you I want. If you come along, I’m ready to give you much more.”

  As is typical with such anecdotes, Mariette couldn’t say whether or not the young man went along to the hotel. Their greatness came from the fact that everyone is allowed to conclude them the way they want, thus ensuring that they are constantly reborn. Lilly Loveless thought that researchers were no different from the general public that consumed these anecdotes; only the interpretations they brought to bear differed.

  A young girl, after a misunderstanding with her parents, leaves the family home to take up temporary refuge with a lady friend of the family. One night, while sleeping, she feels a hand slip under the sheets to squeeze her chest. She wakes up with a start to find herself face to face with her host, and screams. The host orders her to shut up and says: “Why do you pretend to be surprised? You should have expected this, for it is some months now since I revealed my intentions to your mother. After all, why do you think she never opposed the idea of you coming to stay with me?”

  There is a member of the presidential guard, who was forced to go back home shortly after assuming duty at 6pm because of illness. Upon reaching h
ome, he knocks in vain, his wife seemingly dead asleep. Worried, he decides to use his own keys to enter the house. From the parlour, he can hear noise emanating from his bedroom. Remembering that a lady friend of his wife has the habit of coming to stay the night in his absence, he reassures himself thinking that they are simply chatting away. But when he opens the curtains, he is shocked to find them spread out in his conjugal bed, caressing each other intimately.

  A young girl was sitting at the biggest hotel in town, having a drink when a Muzungu man came up and offered her a drink, and then invited her to his room. Interested, the young lady accepted. Once in the room, she found another girl whom she recognised as another high class prostitute. The man reassured them, went into a connecting room and returned with what looked like a digital camera. Surprised to find the young girls still dressed, he asked them to take off their clothes and lie on the carpet, which they did. Then he approached, took the hand of the one and placed it between the legs of the other. Astonished, one of the girls protested. Putting her reaction down to an attempt to earn more, the man reassured her and went back into the adjoining room. While he was gone, the second girl asked the one who protested: “What has come over you to react in this way? Is this the first time that you are doing a thing like this? Me, I’ve often done it, and frankly, it is not at all unpleasant. And, in any case, what’s your business whether it’s pleasant or not? Aren’t we there for the money? For me, there’s no question, and I’m ready for all it takes to earn the money. It is not every day that one has the luck to stumble on a man so disposed to paying such a high price just for the pleasure of seeing two girls caressing each other, so please, cooperate.”

  There is this woman, Miss Helena Paradise, who went to Muzunguland to study, returned without a degree but with a business idea that has blossomed and expanded her horizons beyond her wildest dreams, making of her one of the richest women in Mimboland in less than five years of starting the business and at barely the age of 34. She started young with men, very young, and matured fast as well. At the age of 12 she had her first serious boyfriend, a police inspector. At 15 she got rid of her first pregnancy through a backstreet D&C, which gave her reason to hate policemen with a passion: ‘He broke my virginity, used me for three years, got me pregnant and dumped me.’ At 20 she was going out with the Minister of Money who embezzled like a bulldozer. It was this minister who, having drunk and licked every single drop of her love nectar, and having offered her a mansion in recognition, decided, mostly out of feelings of jealousy and insecurity over the possibility that she could be charmed by someone with more than money to offer, to whisk her off to Muzunguland for further studies, without as much as stopping to think, further studies of what? But he did not stay long enough to bother about unasked and unanswered questions. He was axed by President Longstay, and with that almighty presidential decree went all his privileges and delusions of wealth, power, visibility, virility and invincibility. And just how did he imagine that Miss Helena Paradise, whom he knew only because he was a powerful man with infinite access to the commonwealth of Mimboland, would still continue to regard him with respect and availability? When she wouldn’t answer his calls, reply to emails or open her door when he visited, he couldn’t handle it, and died like the rat that he was, by suicide. Miss Helena Paradise refused to feel guilty and responsible. “L’homme ne fait pas femme, femme fait elle-même”, she reminded herself, and carried on as if the Minister of Money had never existed. She had met a woman who touched things in her she never knew were there before. In her new circles, she kept saying: “There was a time when men were great, but men are now out of date”.

  When Helena Paradise was coming back from Muzunguland, she imported many containers filled with various sex toys. Once on the ground, she set up a club for women only in Nyamandem and Sawang, which she advertised as a Gym and Yoga Club, but which in reality teaches women sex techniques and how to have orgasms. She is hailed in women’s circles like a goddess for all she has done to increase the female libido where men have failed woefully or simply fallen by the wayside. Mariette swore she was speaking from experience, having registered in this club when she was not enjoying sex with her boyfriend.

  Most of those who frequent the club are the wives of very well placed men of power and wealth too busy to make possible the joy of being enjoyed or simply not as sweet and open-handed in pleasuring as they often are with their wallets. (Hence the constant reference to the club as ‘dating company for married women’ on radio trottoir.) Quite wrongly, these men think that money and pampering with material abundance can offset the emotional pain caused by sexual neglect. Although they spend a fortune on basic maintenance of their looks and succeed in defying the impact of age with cosmetics and other anti-ageing incentives, their men seem blind to their sexual needs. They feel like parked cars in forgotten garages needing to recharge their batteries that have gone flat for want of drives. Yet, as Miss Helena Paradise puts it, “doctors recommend weekly sex as a tonic against colds, flu, headache and bad moods, as a beauty treatment, and as useful in burning calories, keeping the menstrual cycle regular, preventing accidents and solving marital problems.” The fascinating thing about coming to her club is that women start coming regularly.

  Not being sure about the identities or motives of all those who come to register, Miss Helena Paradise imposes a pre-condition that all her clients must wear identical masks, offered to them upon arrival at the club. So when every client arrives, she is asked to undress and to wear a mask before proceeding to the big hall where Miss Helena Paradise, the proprietress, delivers her practical lessons. She promises and delivers to perfection ways and means of G-spot amplification for women who complain of decreased sensitivity or who have quite simply never known the pleasures of effective self-discovery.

  To prove that she was telling the truth, Mariette lent Lilly Loveless for the night, the little notebook in which she took down important tips or quotes when she was registered at the club. Lilly Loveless was grateful for the book, which she promised to return first thing in the morning.

  The last anecdote Mariette shared with Lilly Loveless was the story of a man who wanted to have relations with his fiancé, before marriage. The fiancée, who was busy struggling to end a secret but long term relationship with another woman, convinced him to wait saying: ‘Don’t , once we’re married I’ll show you the brouette mimbolandaise.’ The man was so curious about the ‘brouette mimbolandaise’ that he asked a girlfriend what it was. She hit him on the face and sent him scrambling when she heard the question. This made him even more curious to know about the ‘brouette mimbolandiase,’ so he decided to visit a prostitute. Once alone with her he said: ‘Listen, I’m willing to pay you whatever you want, as long as you do the brouette mimbolandaise on me.’ She was appalled by his words and did the same as his friend had, slapping his face and tossing him out onto the street. Even more eager to satisfy his curiosity, he decided he would just have to marry his fiancée earlier than planned. After the wedding and the wedding celebrations, they were headed to Ndolo beach where they were to stay for three days for their honeymoon. On their way, they had a car accident. The groom died immediately, before he could experience the ‘brouette mimbolandaise.’

  “What is ‘brouette mimbolandise’?” asked Lilly Loveless, full of curiosity.

  “Who knows?” said Mariette. “He died before finding out, and I don’t want to be next.”

  “That sounds mysterious and scary.”

  “Mimboland is a mysterious and scary place, and Nyamandem the capital,” Mariette rubbed the pepper of fright in.

  “So I see,” said Lilly Loveless. She stood up, wished Mariette good night, and retired to her room.

  On their last but one day in Nyamandem, Bobinga Iroko proposed to Lilly Loveless that they go out for a drink and a meal at his favourite Liberty Bar at Carrefour de la Joie, but she declined, saying she was rather tired and would prefer to eat at the hotel, converse more with Mariette, and have an e
arly night. So Bobinga Iroko went alone.

  Lilly Loveless had asked Mariette for an extension with the notebook, having fallen asleep soon after leaving the bar the other day. The material was of interest, and she wanted to type as much of it as possible on her laptop. Some of the quotes were very familiar, obviously from feminist literature, which Miss Helena Paradise had strung together to suit her Mimboland clientele. The title of the notebook was a quote by Miss Helena Paradise. It read: ‘If your partners took care of business, I’d be out of business.’ Amongst the quotes she typed out were those which Miss Helena Paradise always uses to introduce her sessions: ‘The best thing about sex is that there is no right or wrong way to do it’; ‘Husbands and lovers will come and go, but my relationship with myself would always be’; ‘Masturbation, the ongoing love affair that each of us has with herself’; ‘Today I have a date with myself. Masturbation is a date with self love’; ‘Masturbation is liberating, so don’t feel ashamed of it, celebrate it’; ‘What we all have in common is we all want better orgasms’; ‘Pent up sexual tension is finally released when we have an orgasm’; ‘Did you know that some women have some of their best orgasms riding a bike or a horse?’; ‘Many women under quick finish pressures fake orgasms’; and a woman who used the vibrator for the first time and had multiple orgasms after five years of a difficult marriage because of sexual tensions was noted as having said: ‘I wish my orgasms would come more easily with my husband.’ On sex toys Miss Helena Paradise urges: ‘Embrace new dimensions of coming. Don’t just come once, come three, four … many times.’ Then she reassures: ‘It is nonsense that once you’ve used one you won’t want the real thing. Sex toys, not diamonds, are a girl’s best friend.’