Love, Always

by Yessi Smith

  “Your dad and I never wanted kids,” she begins, and again I try to walk away from her.

  If she was trying to make me feel better, she’s failed tremendously. But at least I know it’s not something I did or didn’t do.

  She keeps her hands firmly around me and says, “Your dad and I got married, knowing we didn’t want kids. We wanted to enjoy our lives without being held back. But when we found out I was pregnant with you, I couldn’t bring myself to abort you.”

  Gee, thanks for not killing me, Mom. I don’t say those words, but they surface so close in my mouth I’m surprised I didn’t. That’s gotta be a sign of maturity, right?

  “You were a part of us, still are. Your dad wasn’t convinced, so I promised him that having you would change nothing. We could still travel, see the world, and live our lives how we always envisioned it.”

  “At my expense,” I blurt out, the pain of their negligence too much for me to keep inside any longer. “You kept me, but I was never yours.”

  “You’re right,” she agrees. “Of course you’re right. What we did to you and what we didn’t do for you wasn’t fair. I can’t change that.” My mom, my proud mom, has the decency to bow her head as she speaks. “I chose your dad over you and will continue to do so. When he suggested we visit our grandbaby, I was so happy, and when you turned us away, he was outraged and demanded we take custody of the baby.”

  “You can’t have Josie,” I say simply.

  She shakes her head sadly. “No, but for a moment I thought he had changed, that having a grandbaby had changed him. But he only wanted her because you had undermined him. I’m sorry.” She quickly wipes away a tear, but I refuse to let myself feel sorry for her. She chose her life, and regardless of what she thinks, the life she chose didn’t include me. “I’m sorry for how we treated you and I’m sorry for trying to take away your daughter.” She hugs me awkwardly and quickly whispers in my ear, “Be a better mom than me.”

  I don’t have time to nod before she walks away from me and towards my dad, who is waiting for her by the car. Without thinking, I run towards her, already having forgiven her for something that was out of her control. She can’t change who she is any more than she can change who my dad is. I can either continue to hold on to that anger or let it go so it can no longer hurt me.

  I hug my mom to me, letting her shed her tears on my shoulder, and I know this doesn’t change anything. I still don’t have a mom, because this moment won’t change who she is. I’m okay with that, because I have Adam who is literally by my side, stroking my back as my mom sobs in my arms. And I have Josie.

  I’m so entrapped in this moment, that I don’t even see it coming. One minute I’m holding my mom, the next I’m lying across the asphalt with my knees bleeding from the sudden impact. I don’t know what happened or how I got here, but I see my mom next to me in a similar state.

  I get up slowly, turning my attention towards a growing crowd behind me. Still in a daze, I limp towards them, hoping I’ll find Adam and he can explain what’s happened. I’ve never heard of an earthquake in Florida, but if life has taught me anything it’s that anything is possible.

  Some of the bystanders try to stop me, but I ignore them. My only goal is to find Adam and make sure he’s okay. I mean, he’s gotta be okay, but I feel my heart slamming in my chest, telling me different. Nothing could prepare me for what I encounter. Nothing, not even a lifetime of disappointments.

  My heart literally stops beating in my chest when I see Adam, my sweet Adam, sprawled on top of a white car while his dark red blood bleeds down it. I feel someone’s arms go around me when I fall to my knees, but I push them aside and force my way towards Adam.

  This isn’t happening. Please, God, this can’t be happening.

  Adam

  I don’t know how Dee can forgive her mom, but I see it flash on her face the moment she does. I take her hand and together we walk the short distance to her mom, who she envelops in a tight hug. That’s my girl. I rub her back in small circles while she comforts a mom who never offered her the same comfort.

  They never hear the car horn or see the car swerve towards us to avoid hitting another car. But I see it all unfold slowly and the last thing I hear before pushing Dee and her mom out of the way are the brakes screeching, but it’s too late. I know this, but at least Dee is safe.

  I’m sorry, Dee. I promised you always, but this little span of time we were given is far better than an always without you.

  I feel pain for only a minute before the darkness takes over.

  It feels like a lifetime ago that I left Adam while he was on tour. I left him that day, but a piece of my heart stayed with him. Just like now. Only this time, Adam left me and just like before, my heart has stayed with him. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do without him.

  I haven’t tuned myself out this time around. I’m stronger. Adam made sure I was. But it’s still hard to do the simple things like breathing. Or hope.

  Three days have passed. Three days, but the steady heartbeat from the machine attached to Adam gives me a glimmer of hope. Adam’s big, beautiful heart will see him through.

  I have stayed by his side since he arrived at the hospital, and I only leave him for short spurts when I go to the bathroom. Hayley and Max bring Josie twice a day so Adam can hear and feel his daughter and know that we are waiting for him to return to us.

  I try to remind myself that his lifeless body is just an illusion since everything else seems to be working fine. His brain just has to make that connection so he can wake up.

  For the second time in my life, I find myself lost in prayer. But it’s different this time. It almost feels like someone is listening, like someone cares. Maybe someone always cared. Maybe it was me who was lost in despair unable to see it or feel it.

  Adam will fight his way out of this for us, for his family. I feel him fighting every time I touch his face, brush my fingers through his now short hair and hold onto his hand. Adam won’t leave us.

  I take the basin of water away from the nurse and bathe Adam myself. I gently clean the bruises littered all over his body and kiss each one before I move on. I trace my finger over the scar on his face, and follow it to the head wound he sustained when the car hit him. Closing my eyes, I will Adam to open his.

  His injuries are minor, I remind myself. Well, it was minor considering the actual trauma of being hit by a car. Two broken ribs, a displaced shoulder, scrapes and bruises that will fade, and the direct blow to his head, causing brain trauma. The breaks will repair themselves. The shoulder has already been put in its rightful location. The swelling will go down. Adam will open his eyes. Life will continue as we planned.

  I kiss Adam lightly over the new bandage I’ve put over his head and sit by his side and wait.

  Five days have passed since I have seen Adam’s eyes, but I remember everything about them, including the depth of love that always shone out of them.

  The swelling in his brain has gone down substantially. The doctors are optimistic, and I expect him to call out my name any day.

  I’ve put my condo on the market and hope it will sell soon. There’s nothing I want more than to start out my life with Adam, although I won’t buy a house without him seeing it. It will, after all, be our home.

  Adam, Josie, and me. They’re my home, my life, my all. Always.

  Josie doesn’t understand what’s going on. She calls out to her dada when she sees him, but starts to cry when he doesn’t go to her or respond. I don’t know. Maybe it’d be better if she didn’t see him, but what if Adam forgot what he was fighting for if he doesn’t hear his little girl’s voice?

  It’s been seven days, a long strenuous week. While I know Josie needs me at home, I feel Adam needs me more, so I continue to stay by his side and long to feel his arms around me, pulling me towards him.

  No one in the band has bothered to call or visit. In fact, they’ve replaced him entirely and will begin a new tour without him. Adam’s band. Ada
m’s hard work. Adam’s dreams. If I ever come across them, I’ll break each of their backs with a bat. The soulless bastards.

  I force myself to think of something else. No negative thoughts, only positive. With his hand in mine, I begin to talk to him and for the first time in seven days, cry. What does it matter anyway? He can’t hear me.

  “I’m sorry,” I tell him. “But you just lying here isn’t really something I know how to handle. I want to see your smile, Adam. I want to feel those lips on mine and I want your hands to squeeze me back. I want to hear you sing.” I stop to catch my breath and put my head on top of both of our hands. “I miss you. Please come back to me. I can’t lose you. I love you, baby, like I’ve never loved anyone. You’re my missing piece. You always were.”

  I let go of all my emotions on top of him until I’m shaking and gasping for air. Please, God, please bring him back to me. Please don’t make me live without him.

  I’m so lost in my grief and tears that the soothing hand on my hair doesn’t register until I hear a familiar “shhh”. The same hand swipes away the tears and snot running down my face, making me cry harder.

  I can’t believe it.

  I hold onto Adam’s outstretched hand and kiss it until I hear him laughing.

  This is happening. This is real. Adam, my sweet and sturdy Adam is back.

  Unable to stop the tears to talk, I stand up on shaky legs and lean over Adam’s bed to embrace him. His arms go around me automatically, and I nearly collapse when he whispers my name in my ear.

  “Shhh,” he repeats, but there’s no stopping the downpour of tears. But at least they’re happy tears. “My Dee,” he whispers again.

  I hear the nurses come in, but I don’t break my embrace. I need to feel him right now. I continue to kiss him gently while he does the same until I feel a sense of normalcy return to me.

  “You came back,” I finally manage.

  “I came back for you.”

  “Don’t leave me again,” I demand when I feel someone’s hand on my shoulder. I know the nurses have to check him, but I need him to promise me he won’t leave me.

  “Never.”

  I cup his face in my hands before I leave his side so the nurses can tend to him. “I love you.”

  “I love you too, baby girl.”

  “Always.”

  He keeps his eyes on me while the nurses work on him and he gives them one of his smiles when they make room for me to be by his side. Our hands collide into one another, needing the connection and comfort.

  Once the nurses leave, I text Hayley to let her know Adam is awake and let him know Josie is on her way to see him. He smiles back at me, but already his eyes are growing tired, and I’m terrified of him falling asleep.

  “I’m not going anywhere,” he tells me, reading my mind.

  “You need to rest.” I touch his face, and he presses his face against it.

  “You’ll wake me when Josie gets here?”

  I nod. “She’ll wake you herself. She’s been really loud trying to get you to wake up.” I laugh, but I don’t feel any humor in it.

  “How long was I out for?” he asks, closing his eyes. I want to pry them open, not let him sleep, but I try to be logical and not panic.

  “A week. Seven days.”

  “That’s too long.”

  “Yeah,” I snort.

  He opens his eyes and begins to move in his bed, which causes me to rush to his side.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I just want my girl close to me.” With a lot more bravado than I’m sure he feels, he continues to inch his way to the other side of the bed.

  On a sigh, I ease myself on the bed and lie down beside him, careful not to touch any of the various tubes or wires sticking out of his body. I turn my head to kiss the side of his lips, and he smells so good I can’t help but close my eyes and breathe him in.

  “Next time tell me what you’re doing so you don’t give me a damn heart attack.”

  I feel him chuckle lightly beside me, but just as quickly, he drifts off to sleep, and for the first time in a week I relax. This is the closest I’ve dared to get to him out of fear of hurting him or upsetting the nurses, but now with my body pressed against his, I’m happier than any silly little happy pill could make me.

  With Adam back, I relax and find the sleep that has been dodging me for days. And I dream a dream so good I’m actually upset when Adam’s nurse wakes me to take his blood pressure. She opens her mouth to say something to me, but I shake my head softly at her, putting my fingers to my lips, hoping she’ll take the hint not to wake Adam.

  She shakes her finger at me in mock disapproval, but quietly takes his blood pressure. I smile gratefully, because I know all about the hospital regulations that prohibit me from sharing the hospital bed with Adam. But, hell, it’s not like he’s in any position to do more than just lie here next to me. After she leaves, I position my head so that it rests on Adam’s and close my eyes. Instead of listening to the machines that surround the room, I focus my attention on Adam; his breathing, his scent, his fingers that remain entwined with mine. Without thinking it possible, I fall back to sleep and don’t wake up until Hayley arrives with Josie.

  I almost hate to wake Adam, but Josie’s reaction to her daddy is something I will remember for years to come. She babbles at him, probably catching him up on everything he’s missed in the past week, and Adam listens patiently to her, replying whenever she gives him the opportunity. Their bond is beautiful and magical and everything she deserves.

  When I say Adam has my heart that is a lie. The truth is he is my heart. And I can’t go anywhere without my heart, which is why I stay by his side until he is discharged. Watching him wake up with the same panty dropping smile he had before coming to the hospital is humbling. He is the very definition of nonchalant bravery. But the fear has to be in there somewhere, so I stay by his side just in case it comes out to play unexpectedly. I don’t want him to be alone when the fear grips him completely. Or maybe I want to be near him when my own fears take over.

  I’m grateful when Adam is finally discharged, but I continue to linger by his side, afraid that one moment without him will be the moment I lose him. It’s hard to move on from that fear and while I know Adam’s patience must be wearing thin, I can only breathe easy when we share the same space. And at night I hold onto him tightly, needing to feel his body heat and warm breath on my skin as a reassurance even in our sleep.

  As days turn into weeks, Adam easily glides back into his usual routine while I struggle to maintain a sense of normality. But all pretenses of normality evaporate one morning when I wake up by myself. I scramble out of bed, my breath coming too quickly, but not enough while I try to steady my brain. He’s okay, I tell myself, but my nerves have already taken over, and I practically fall on his feet when I stumble into the kitchen.

  “Hey,” Adam whispers, catching me before I fall. “What’s wrong?”

  I look into his concerned eyes and try to hold back my tears and hysteria. Adam pulls me to his chest and smooths my hair down with his hands as he strokes my back.

  “Talk to me, sweetie,” he whispers, but I shake my head like a child, not wanting to talk or admit to my fears. “Dee.” He pulls me back, and I close my eyes, not wanting to face him. “Dee,” he demands and I bow my head ashamed at my irrational behavior.

  “You weren’t in bed when I woke up,” I say quietly. “I got scared.”

  “Sweetie.” He pulls me to his chest again and I hear him sigh.

  “It’s stupid, I know, but…” I trail off. But what? I’m crazy. Yeah, I think that’s pretty obvious.

  “Sweetie,” he says again and sighs.

  I pull away from him and sit on the couch with my hands wrapped around my chest. I’m making us miserable.

  “We have today.” He sits down beside me and pulls me to him where I settle my head on his chest, where I can hear his heartbeat. “The only promise we have is today, you and I know that better
than anyone. So hold on to today and cherish what we have, baby girl, without worrying about tomorrow.”

  He’s right. Of course he’s right.

  “Okay,” I nod. “Okay.”

  “You’re gonna start off by having a spa day with Hayley,” he tells me, and I lift my eyebrows at him. “And I’m taking my little girl fishing.”

  “Fishing?” I feel my heartbeat accelerate, but take a breath, reminding me of Adam’s words. Live for today. Cherish what we have without ruining it with worries I can’t control.

  “I’m no longer a part of Wasted Circle. I need a hobby ‘til I get the music school started.”

  “You’re not gonna fight them? I mean, you started the band, Adam. You and Josh.”

  “It never felt all the way right without Josh.” He shrugs. “Besides, I want to stay by my girls.”

  “To keep my panic attacks at bay?” I joke and he laughs.

  “You’re kinda cute when you panic.”

  “I am not.” I slap his shoulder playfully.

  “And needy.” He smiles when my mouth drops.

  “I can’t stand you.” I move to stand up, but he holds me by the waist and sits me on his lap.

  “Lies,” he laughs in my ear. “All lies.”

  “I’m going shopping after the spa,” I decide with a satisfied smile.

  “Just remember, I’m currently unemployed,” he grins, “so don’t break us.”

  “You forget, I’m a best seller.” I do my best to saunter away from him, swaying my hips from side to side and look back to make sure Adam is watching. Which he is.

  We have today, I remind myself when I close the door and put more space between us than I’ve allowed since his accident. All the todays in the world wouldn’t be enough, but it’s what we’ve been given. I smile back at the closed door, somehow knowing we’ll share a lot more todays and moments. He did after all come back once for me. He’ll do it a hundred times over if needed.