Virtue and Vice

by Kimberly Brody

  Gerald, Baron Beaumont

  Izzy blinked back desperate tears as she reread Papa’s impersonal words a second time. Papa hadn’t forgiven her at all, not even the slightest. He’d written as if she were a stranger, not a member of his family. His meaning was clear. If Ram sought an annulment the blame would be hers alone, for what she’d done on her wedding day. Papa was correct, of course; she was to blame. But even still, she’d hoped for compassion and the comfort of home while she nursed her broken heart. There would be no love and support from that quarter during this most trying time.

  It could only be Clarendon who would have passed on the news of her impending annulment, for he was privy to most of the king’s business, and the only man from court Papa would place any belief in. Ram truly did raise the issue with the king, then. He hadn’t lied only to hurt her. Her throat constricted.

  She tried to tamp down the bitterness. She understood why Papa had made the choice he had, she truly did. But he hadn’t spared a thought for the ramifications of his decision to her. What was she to do now? Where could she possibly go? What would become of her?

  She carefully folded the letter and placed it in her reticule while she tried to compose herself. Now was not a time for selfish introspection. Moreover, she at least agreed with her father on one issue. No matter how she needed Belinda, Izzy couldn’t selfishly keep her cousin by her side throughout what was to come. Belinda would throw her reputation away for Izzy’s sake with nary a second thought, but Izzy wouldn’t let Belinda ruin her future on her behalf. She wasn’t worth it. She’d already hurt nearly everyone she loved, she refused to add Belinda to the list by dragging her into the mess Izzy had made of her life. Izzy would panic about where she’d live once this more immediate crisis had passed.

  Pasting on a smile, Izzy turned to an anxious Belinda. “Well, that’s a relief!” She exclaimed brightly. “‘Twill be good to get away from London at a time like this.”

  “So we’ll leave first thing in the morning then?”

  Izzy nodded. “There’s one quick errand I must complete before we depart, but it will take no time at all.”

  Belinda’s brow wrinkled. “What’s so important that it can’t wait until we can safely return?”

  “I must speak to Paul. It cannot wait.”

  Her cousin gasped. “Are you mad? After what he did to Ram this afternoon?”

  “Why must everyone think the worst of him?” Izzy swallowed her exasperation. “He simply wishes to help. I must make sure he realizes I no longer wish for his aid. It would be truly terrible if he did go to Ram’s father with what he knows, and I’ll not allow Ram to suffer because of me.”

  “He’ll have most likely fled from court.”

  “I need to be sure.”

  “Izzy, you cannot go there. ‘Tis not safe.”

  “I don’t care, Bel. If Paul is still there, I must stop him before something dreadful happens. I only need to explain it to him, and all will be well. I shan’t be there long.”

  “Would you risk your life just to prevent a row between Ram and his father?”

  Her eyes filled with frustrated tears as she thought of her own father, how long it had been since he’d gazed at her with paternal fondness of any sort. “I will not be the cause of discord betwixt Ram and his father. The Earl might well disinherit Ram if he ever discovers what Ram did! Cromwell could have destroyed the entire family if Ram’s actions had come to light.” She lowered her voice. “And surely a few minutes at White Hall will not lead to contagion.”

  “Ram would not want you to do this for him, not at the risk of your own safety. Surely you cannot mean this to be a way to make amends with him?”

  That awful, hollow ache filled Izzy’s chest again. “There will be no amends made. Ram doesn’t want anything from me,” she whispered. “Not ever again.”

  The tears came then, scalding hot.

  “Oh Izzy, Izzy, I’m so very sorry.” Belinda hugged her, stroking her hair, making soothing sounds. “I know it all seems awful right now, but perhaps with some time and distance”-

  “Nay”- She choked. “There will be no making this right. What I did was too awful to forgive and he has every right to hate me. I betrayed him to another man.” She clutched at Belinda tightly. “I only wish it didn’t hurt so very much.”

  “Oh, Izzy.” Belinda took her wet cheeks in her hand. “I know it hurts. But please, I beg of you, do not go to court looking for Paul. I could not abide it if you became ill. Do not do this thing!”

  Belinda’s face was so wrought with concern, Izzy couldn’t bear to argue with her. It also came to her in a flash how to achieve both of her objectives. She’d find Paul if he’d not yet left London, and she’d ensure Belinda went safely to Eric’s.

  Izzy nodded, feigning resignation. “We’ll go to Eric’s in the morning.”

  As the morning sun began to make its appearance, Izzy lifted her weary body from the bed beside Belinda as quietly as possible. A night spent tossing and turning with worry hadn’t changed her mind. Fear that she’d be too late and miss Paul coupled with the torture of imagining Ram in Louisa’s arms had kept her from resting well. Both her head and her back ached and she was exhausted. Still, she must find Paul if he was still in London.

  She stood beside the bed staring at Belinda’s sleeping form. She prayed that Belinda wouldn’t hate her when she discovered what she had done. She turned away, her heart wrenching with despair. She’d never felt so alone in her life.

  The thought of meeting with anyone, even Paul, while her emotions were so fragile, hardly appealed, but she had to do this for Ram. Paul needed to know the annulment was already a sure thing, and that he need not go through with his threats. There was no faster way to ensure Ram’s secret remained a secret. And if Paul were no longer at court, a steward might be able to inform her as to where he’d gone.

  Pain lanced through her chest at the thought of her impending annulment. Oh, to be sure, there would be a delay due to the death of the King’s sister. All official business would halt during the time of mourning. But that, like everything else, would pass, and life would resume as usual. Except for hers. Once the annulment was an actuality, life as she knew it would cease. What lay before her was a complete unknown, but without Ram or her family the future she faced was bleak

  Forcing the maudlin thoughts away, Izzy moved carefully, listening for any change in the pattern of Belinda’s breathing that might indicate she were awake. It had always been a lucky happenstance her cousin slept like the dead.

  On silent feet, she slipped into a dark blue taffeta gown suitable for mourning. She fastened her sapphires in her ears, leaving off the matching necklace that was too bright for this time of grief; both the court’s and her own. ‘Twas silly, she knew it was, but somehow, wearing the earrings Ram had bought for her in better times made her feel closer to him. She bundled the rest of her belongings into her small bag, and tiptoed down the stairs. The carriage had indeed returned in the middle of the night, and Thomas saw nothing untoward at her request to have it brought round.

  She would go to White Hall as planned, but she would not go to Eric. She would take the carriage to Portsmouth and book passage to Fowey. At Portsmouth she’d send the carriage back. Belinda’s departure would be delayed only by a few hours.

  The driver was hesitant when she gave him her destination and all but balked at taking her to White Hall. She assured Laurence he could await her beyond the Holbein gate, then, with a deep breath, she entered the ancient complex.

  Never had she seen the streets around White Hall so empty. What traffic that existed raced against each other to make it out. Inside, she saw very few people aside from palace servants. The maze and hallway of the buildings were deserted. An anxious steward stepped into her path and attempted to dissuade her from entering St. James, but nothing would stop her now. The steward washed his hands of her with a mumbled comment about Bedlam, and Izzy proceeded unimpeded into the warren of hallways that wer
e the domains of the courtiers.

  As her eyes adjusted to the dimness that pervaded the hallways, her feet unerringly followed the path of what she knew from her previous visit to court were Paul’s’ private chambers. Apparently the servants had fled as well, for piles of linen were stacked in doorways and the hall lanterns remained unlit. Doubt assailed her for the first time since she’d embarked upon this crusade. Perhaps this wasn’t her wisest decision, after all. Oh, well. She need only add it to the incredibly long list of foolish decisions she’d already made in recent weeks. What was one more?

  Relief swamped her as she reached Paul’s chambers through the maze of hallways, and heard his voice coming from the other side of the portal. Rapping softly upon the door, it was torn open almost violently before her face.

  “Louisa, that better be you,” Paul growled. “We need to leave here at once.” He stopped short, surprise coloring his features. “Izzy? What the devil are you doing here? Get inside right away, it’s not safe out there.” He seemed agitated, his face very flushed, with irritation or impatience, she couldn’t tell.

  Louisa? Was he waiting for Ram’s ex-mistress? For a moment her mind wandered. Had Ram gone to Louisa last night? Would he make her his mistress once more? The crushing pain returned again.

  Paul’s hand wrapped about her upper arm as he hauled her into his room. A very harried and disgruntled valet looked up at her entrance, then, muttering to himself, left the room through another door, one she assumed to be the wardrobe, to lend them privacy.

  “Why have you come here?”

  “I must speak with you. ‘Tis urgent.”

  “More urgent than a contagion that could kill us all, you little twit?”

  He’d never spoken to her in such a manner before. Taken aback, she tried diplomacy.

  “I came to assure myself you had left London for your own safety. Why haven’t you departed yet? Where will you go?”

  He sneered. “Back to Somerset, to rely on the goodwill and generosity of distant relatives, as I still have not a pot to piss in.”

  She flinched at the vulgarity of his words. “Before you leave, there’s something you must know. About Ram.”

  “Ah. So your reasons for coming here are, after all, selfishly motivated.”

  For a moment, she faltered. What if Paul proposed marriage when she told him everything? She could say yes, leave with him, have someplace to belong. She still cared for him.

  Nay. It would be the easiest thing to do, to use Paul like that, but easy didn’t equal right. How would she let him down, after he’d tried so hard to help?

  “Aye. Nay. Paul. Of course I’m concerned for you. But there’s something else. You don’t have to tell Ram’s father what you know. I beg you not to. Ram wants to annul our marriage. There’s no reason now to tell his father about Ram’ secret.”

  His eyes narrowed as he studied her. “You must be so pleased.”

  She swallowed hard, past the lump in her throat that seemed to be a permanent feature. “To be honest, I’m not pleased. Not at all.”

  Paul stared for a moment, his eyes roving over her from the top of her head to her feet, and then back again. “You’re in love with him.” It was a statement, not a question.

  The last thing she wanted was to hurt Paul with the truth. “I cannot bear to see him hurt this way, not through his relationship with his father.”

  “But you said he was going forward with the annulment. Why do you care?”

  Because I do love him. “Because he’s a good man and he doesn’t deserve to have his family life torn to shreds because of me.”

  Paul’s intense stare made her uncomfortable.

  “Oh, Izzy, it was never about you and your precious annulment. I am destitute, don’t you realize that? The war destroyed all that my family once was. And the secret you shared with me is just what I need to regain some of what was lost fighting the royal cause, since Charles can’t or won’t replace it.”

  She gasped, suddenly unable to draw enough air to fill her lungs. “You mean Ram was right? You didn’t do this for me? You really blackmailed him only for money?”

  “For you?” He crowed with laughter. “The only use I’ve ever had for you, Izzy, is in my bed! Even if you were unmarried, your father had no dowry for you. It would have been pointless to consider marriage to you.”

  She heard the words he spoke, but her mind rejected them. He couldn’t be speaking true! She’d waited so long for him to return and marry her. “You never planned to wed me? What about the promises you extracted, begging me to await your return?”

  He snorted inelegantly. “I was asking you to wait to let me make you my mistress before some other man took the opportunity.”

  She gasped in shock. “You never desired to marry me?”

  “I desired you in my bed, Izzy. Isn’t that enough?”

  “Enough? I loved you! Do you truly believe I would have been content to be nothing but your mistress?” She threw her hands in the air. “I’ve thrown my marriage away because of those promises and what I thought were my deep feelings for you, and yours for me.”

  “It’s not my fault if you were too naïve to understand my meaning. I never told you we would wed, I never declared my intentions to your father or promised I would. You should have known.”

  “I was but eighteen years old! And you knew I believed you intended to marry me!”

  He shrugged.

  It was as if something physically snapped inside of her.

  She launched herself at him, pummeling his chest with blows, sobbing harshly, hoping against hope a well aimed punch might make her feel...something. She wanted him to hurt as she was hurting, both for his cruel rejection and for his hand in the destruction of her marriage to Ram out of naught more than greed.

  “Cease this!” Cursing, he grabbed her arms, pinning them to her side. “So I was correct? You are no longer in favor of an annulment?”

  When she didn’t answer, he shook her roughly. “Answer me.”

  She blinked back tears. Izzy didn’t know the man before her, not at all, and yet she’d wasted so much on him. “Nay. I’d do anything to stop it. But it’s too late, thanks to you. Ram will not pay you the money you demanded and will instead face the wrath of his father. And, since he thinks I colluded with you in your blackmail, he cast me out.”

  “Ah, poor thwarted Izzy.” He laughed. Of all the horrendous things he could do in the face of her grief, his laughter told her more than words exactly how he felt about her. He’d never even truly been her friend, though she’d poured her heart out to him as if he was, so many times. The tender feelings she’d held for him for so long began to wither, and bitterness consumed her. How could she have been such a fool not to see what everyone else had seen so clearly?

  She tried to jerk away from his grip, but his fingers tightened around her arms. Panic began to rise. She didn’t like the speculative way he suddenly eyed her, or the way his color heightened. “You might not be able to change his mind about an annulment, but you could change my mind about telling his father Royston’s secrets.” His voice turned husky.

  Hope breathed to life in her chest like a barely lit ember, warring with suspicion. “How?”

  “You pay me five thousand quid, and I’ll forget everything I know about your husband’s royalist sympathies.

  Five thousand pounds? Where on Earth will I get that kind of money?

  The answer came immediately. She would return to Cornwall, collect the most valuable gowns and jewels she had left, and sell them. And she would think of a way to make up the difference. Somehow, she would raise the exorbitant sum he demanded.

  “I have one more condition, my sweet.” His hand slid down her arm, then up her side to cup the curve of her breast. It took every ounce of willpower not to shudder in revulsion. “You will share my bed, as you should have done years ago.”

  She recoiled from his outrageous demand and opened her mouth to voice a protest, but it died on her lips. Ther
e would be no talking him out of this. He felt entitled to her for some reason. Some instinct screamed that it had more to do with Ram then with her. First he had made a conquest of Ram’s ex-mistress, now he wanted Ram’s wife. Paul had pitted himself in a one-sided competition with her husband, one he could never hope to win, although she’d never tell him so. The man she’d thought she’d known for so many years didn’t exist, and the man before her was unstable and surely a bit demented.

  In the end, Paul’s reasons for wanting her in his bed didn’t matter. She’d told him about the wonderful thing Ram had done during the war and now, because of her, Ram’s relationship with his father was in jeopardy. She had to meet Paul’s demands because she had to undo the damage she caused, no matter the cost, or she’d never be able to live with herself. And who else would suffer, but she? Ram would never find out, and even if he did it couldn’t hurt him anymore; their marriage was over, he despised her, and with good cause. He certainly no longer cared about whom she did or did not go to bed with.

  Even still, a chill crawled across her flesh as she nodded, feeling like she’d just made a pact with the Devil. She was trading her body for his silence. He would turn her into a whore in truth. The only thing she could do was try to put the reckoning off for as long as possible. “I agree to your terms, my lord. But not at court, not now. I need go to Cornwall to get you your funds, and there is a contagion here. My parents will not be in the country with me. Come to Cornwall in a fortnight and I’ll have your money, and the other part of your bargain shall be met as well.”

  His eyes kindled. “I look most forward to it. But I fear I must insist upon a down payment before we part ways. A demonstration of your good faith, if you will.”

  “But I don’t have any”-

  Before she could stop him, he snatched one of the sapphires from her ear. “I’ll take this to seal the first part of our agreement.”

  Izzy crushed the urge to protest. The earring had been a wedding gift from Ram and the only tangible thing she had from her time with him that held any true meaning, for he’d picked them for her before their wedding day himself, when he’d still been Julian to her. But what difference did it make? She’d have to sell the earrings and the necklace to raise Paul’s money, anyway.