by M. Malone
When we finally break the kiss we’re both breathing hard and Zack looks shaky and slightly frightened. I’m sure I look the same way because it’s how I feel. Disoriented and scared as hell because I didn’t know that it could be like that.
I didn’t know that a kiss could shake up your entire world.
“Josie,” he whispers.
I feel the sound of my name against my lips and something clenches hard in my lower belly. Then he’s kissing me again, harder, deeper this time. He’s been passive up until now but his arm curls under me holding me against him. My chest plasters to his and I absolutely melt as every part of me merges into every part of him. My nipples brush against his chest and they’re suddenly so hard it’s painful. The ache between my thighs is worse now and as if he knows, his palm flattens on my lower back urging me to straddle him.
When I do, he lets out a deep, needy sound that I’ll never forget.
Until he pulls back, his face tortured. “What are we doing?”
“Kissing.” I can’t seem to keep my hands away from his chest. I want to touch him all over.
He grabs my hands and holds them still as we pant, our breath mingling together. “This is crazy. This is not why I came over here.”
“I know.”
“And I would never take advantage of you.”
“I know. Why would you think you’re taking advantage? I want you. You want me.”
When he doesn’t say anything, I pull back a bit so I can see his face. What I see makes my heart sink. He looks cornered.
“At least I thought you wanted me.”
I shift back slightly so I’m not rubbing right up against the hard length in his jeans. “I can feel that you want me.”
“There’s more to this than just the heat of the moment.”
Now that pisses me off. He can’t deny that he wants me physically but to act like what just happened is a purely chemical thing is a slap in the face.
“So I could have been any willing woman and you would have reacted the same way. Good to know.”
He sighs. “That’s not what I meant. I just think a lot of things have happened lately. Anyone would be confused. I don’t want to take advantage of that.”
“I’m not the one who’s confused. The past few weeks have been a revelation for me. I don’t want to waste any more time. I’m going after the things I want. The things that make me happy. This isn’t a new thing for me, Zack. Feeling this way. And I don’t think it is for you either. You’ve never thought of me like this before today?”
“Of course. You’re beautiful, Josie.”
“Don’t give me that.” Frustration makes my voice sharper than I intend. “The ‘you’re beautiful’ thing. That’s what you say to your little cousin when she’s dressed up for prom. Tell me you’ve never thought of me like this.”
I point to the picture on the floor between us.
“Fuck.” The word seems to escape before he can stop it. “Of course I have. Look at you.” His eyes roam over me from the gap in my shirt to my long hair which I know has to look pretty wild after he’s had his hands in it.
“Yes, Zack. Look at me.”
I place my hands on his cheeks and rest my forehead against his. We sit like that breathing the same air for a minute before I kiss him again. He doesn’t move but our lips cling like they don’t want to separate any more than I do. He’s so rigid beneath me, like he’s afraid to make any moves or I’ll break.
Finally he meets my eyes. “I’m trying to do the right thing here, Jo.”
I push away and climb off his lap. My fingers fumble the buttons as I attempt to cover my cleavage. His eyes follow the movement. Even while he’s claiming to want to protect me, he can’t keep his eyes off my breasts.
“This is a lot to take in. I don’t want us to do something we’ll regret. You’d hate me, Jo and I couldn’t take that. You can have any guy that you want.”
“Don’t do that. I can take almost anything from you but sympathy.”
It’s a pain unlike anything I’ve ever felt to watch him try to backpedal his way out of this. My worst nightmare has come true. I told Zack how I feel and he doesn’t want me.
“It’s not like that, Josie–“
“Just go home, Zack. If you value our friendship at all, just leave me alone.”
†
I watch silently as Zack yanks his shirt over his head and then walks away. When the front door slams behind him a wave of emotion passes through me that’s so potent I almost can’t breathe.
Tears aren’t my usual response to confrontation so I’m ashamed at the tears that spill down my cheeks. If it was anyone else I would be on my feet and spouting curse words.
But this is Zack.
To hear such ugly accusations coming from him tore me up inside. Maybe that’s what hurts the most, that one of my closest friends could have such a low opinion of me. He really thinks that everything I’m doing is part of some diabolical plan to get Gabe’s attention. How could he really think that I’d try to break up his brother’s relationship? Not only because it’s untrue but because it’s so unlike me. He knows me and that I’d never do something like that.
At least I thought he did.
I’m not sure how long I’m sitting there before the door opens again. I sit up, ready to do battle when Isabelle turns the corner. She looks at me on the couch and then glances around the room.
“Where is he?”
“Who?” I get up and walk into the kitchen. I take down a mug and start water boiling for tea. Isabelle follows behind me and I know she’s waiting to get the scoop but I can’t look at her. She always sees everything and I’m not ready to talk about this yet.
“Zack. The tattooed temptation. I tried to give you guys some time alone but I have book club tonight so I need to get ready.”
“You didn’t need to do that. He had to get home.”
She pulls down another mug and then digs in the pantry for the tea. When she emerges, she’s got the Earl Grey blend that she favors and the raspberry green tea for me.
“I cannot believe I never realized how hot he is. Back in high school he seemed so aloof and I don’t know, above it all. Like he didn’t really care about anything. I never would have guessed he had that hiding under his clothes.” She fans her face dramatically. When I shrug but don’t say anything, she narrows her eyes. “But you didn’t seem so surprised by it.”
“Oh I was surprised. Totally surprised.”
Which is not an exaggeration at all. As many times as I’ve dreamed of Zack, the reality is so much better than my imagination. I can’t hold back a little sigh remembering the lean muscles in his chest, leading into his jeans. All the designs on his pecs, especially the one that extends down over his ribs only added to the hotness.
Now I’m not going to just be dreaming about him naked but I’ll be imagining myself tracing the lines of that tattoo. Of having the right to memorize every detail of it. Those dreams will hurt all the more now that I know what I’m missing. Just his kiss has ruined me.
When I got up this morning I was so sure of what I wanted and how to get there. Taking control of my life seemed like an easier plan before I was confronted with Zack in the flesh. It’s a lot easier to decide to move on when I’m not staring at everything I’ve ever wanted.
Izzie covers her mouth with her hand. “Oh my god.”
“What?”
“All this time, you’ve been telling the truth?”
“What do you mean?”
She’s staring at me with a strange expression on her face. It makes me uncomfortable, so I focus on putting sugar in my tea. When I look up again, she’s still watching me but the expression on her face has shifted from shock to… pity?
“You kept insisting there was nothing between you and Gabe. Of course, I thought you were just saying that because it was so obvious that you were in love. But now I see what’s really going on. You’re in love but not with him. It’s Zack. He’s the one.”
All I can do is nod, my throat suddenly so thick that I can barely swallow. Izzie follows as I carry my tea to the couch. I place it carefully on the side table and then curl up against the cushions, dragging a nubby throw blanket around my legs. Ever since Zack left, it’s like I have this chill I can’t shake.
“It’s always been him. But he doesn’t feel the same way so it doesn’t matter.”
“Are you sure? The way he was looking at you earlier almost made my panties melt. How could I have missed this?”
I can’t help but laugh at her disgruntled question. “I’ve gotten pretty good at hiding how I feel. There was no use in broadcasting it around. He’s not mine and never will be. Even if he likes how I look, his relationship with his brother comes first. He only sees me as ‘Gabe’s girl’ and I don’t see that changing any time soon.”
After our argument earlier, this point is especially obvious. I scoot down on the couch and rest my head on Izzie’s shoulder.
“Do you want me to stay home tonight?”
Izzie’s book club is really more like a happy hour club. Several girls in her English lit class last year proposed meeting at a local restaurant to talk about what they’ve been reading instead of doing it at their houses. But they spend the majority of the time getting drunk instead of talking about the book. Which Izzie has pointed out explains why their book club has been going strong for the past year instead of fizzling out like the other ones she’s belonged to over the years.
“No, don’t do that. Plus, I’m supposed to go see my mom this afternoon anyway. I’ve been putting it off for the past few days and you know how she gets when she decides I’m ignoring her.”
Izzie rests her head on top of mine. “I know. Well, it could be worse. She could decide to drop by here. Remember when you first moved in?”
“Don’t speak of it. I swear if you say her name three times she might appear.”
We laugh together and Izzie starts talking about the guys she got cards from earlier. Normally Izzie takes hours getting ready to go out but I can tell she’s hanging around so I don’t have to be alone. It makes me feel better having her there and her warm presence helps plug a few of the gaping holes in my heart.
†
When I pull up in my parents’ driveway a few hours later, I silently count to ten before I get out of the car. I give myself a mental pep talk as I walk up the carefully edged walkway and then open the door with my key. Visiting my mother is like taking off a bandage.
It’s going to hurt either way so it’s best done without lingering too long beforehand.
She’s in the parlor having tea just like every other day at four o’clock. Growing up, this was my favorite room in the house. I used to call it the “blue room”. The delicate Queen Anne style chairs seemed like they were fit for a princess and I always felt special when I was allowed to sit with mother while she had tea. Sometimes if she was distracted, she’d forget I was here and I would watch her write letters at the Chippendale desk in the corner. My mother has never been a particularly demonstrative woman and spending that time with her made me feel close to her.
As I got older tea time lost it’s magic as it became just another opportunity for my mother to list all the ways I’ve disappointed her over the years but I still love this room. It’s one of the only things that makes these weekly visits tolerable.
“Hello mother. You’re looking well.”
She tilts her head slightly so I can kiss her cheek. Her dark hair is twisted up into an elegant chignon and the dark green sheath dress she’s wearing complements her favorite pearls perfectly. I don’t recognize it so it must be new. I take my seat and watch while she pours the tea. I haven’t even added sugar before she starts.
“You’re late, Josephine.” Her lips form a slight moue of distress. She must really be upset today. Usually she doesn’t like to make facial expressions anymore. It might cost her another unit of Botox.
I instantly feel guilty for the uncharitable thought. I know better than anyone what it’s like to live amongst people who value women only for what they look like instead of what they think or feel or do. My mother has been a product of that environment a lot longer than I have. I’m sure it’s difficult to live that way.
“Sorry. I’ve been busy lately.”
“What’s so important that you can’t visit your mother?”
I sigh. Here we go. “You know that Gabe hasn’t been well. I’ve been spending time at his house, helping out wherever I can.”
“Oh, well. That’s understandable. The two of you have always made a striking couple. Taking care of him when he needs you will hopefully make him see what’s right in front of his face. Especially since you blew things with Perry.”
“I didn’t blow things with Perry. I broke up with him. I didn’t love him. And Gabe and I are just friends.” I don’t bother telling her again that we’ve never been anything more than that. I’ve been saying it for years and I think she’s determined to ignore anything that doesn’t fit the vision in her head.
“So? You have shared history. That’s an advantage. You need to get him off the market and fast. He's wealthy and handsome. His family is a concern of course but I suppose you can’t have everything.”
I ignore the subtle dig because I’ve promised myself that I won’t let her get to me. But hearing anyone put down Paula and Debbie makes me so angry. They’ve been like my fairy godmothers in so many ways, a fact that annoys my mother greatly.
“He has a girlfriend.”
“When has that ever stopped anyone? Things are cutthroat these days and you need to find someone who won't mind your eccentricities.”
“You mean my art?”
“Don't start Josephine. You know how we feel about you taking those pornographic pictures!”
“Mom! You promised.”
Her hand flutters to her throat. “I know and I’m trying to be supportive but darling, really? Cass Michaelson was at that exhibit and I had to listen to her snide comments at garden club for three weeks straight. She kept talking about how she used to model and asking if you do portraits on commission. As if you’d want to take her picture anyway.”
“What’s wrong with that? Maybe she was trying to be nice.”
“Hah! She used to model for one of those filthy skin mags. What if people think that’s what you do?”
It takes all my willpower to keep my eyes from rolling out of my head. “I doubt anyone else cares, Mom.”
“Your father is thinking about running for state’s attorney next year and we don’t need any more skeletons to deal with after your brother’s episode last year.”
Her casual mention of my brother sends my breath from my chest. My hand shakes as I set my teacup down on the tray. My older brother, James, has always gone overboard to win our parents approval. For years he succeeded, graduating at the top of his class at Georgetown University before entering Yale Law.
After that he moved to New York and worked for one of the top firms in the country. He was on the fast track to partnership until he had a breakdown from all the pressure. He was found wandering around his neighborhood in his robe and slippers in the early morning by the police.
The fact that my parents consider him an embarrassment is so heartless. He’s always done everything he could to be the perfect son and his desire to please them is ultimately what drove him past the breaking point.
“Okay, I have to go.”
I ignore her usual litany of complaints and kiss her cheek briefly before I head upstairs. My father is in his study just as I knew he would be. His desk is covered in documents and his lips move slightly as he reads. He looks up when I come in.
“Hey pumpkin. When did you get here?”
“About ten minutes ago. I wanted to say hi before I left. What are you working on?”
“Just a new case. Busy, busy. Tell me, how is Isabelle?”
“She’s great. Still in school, working toward her degree in library science.”
“Excellent. She always did love her books.”
He’s already spacing out, his eyes darting back to his computer screen. My heart sinks a little but this is the way of my world. One parent who’s way too interested and one who isn’t interested at all.
“I’ll leave you to it, then.” I kiss the top of his head and pull the study door closed behind me. When I turn around, I’m yanked off my feet and twirled around.
“What the–“
When I see who it is, I let out a squeal. “Jamie! You’re here!” I grab him around the waist in a bear hug. “You sneak! I had no idea you were coming into town.”
“It was a spur of the moment thing.”
Now that I’m looking at him, I can see the lines around his eyes are more pronounced than usual and there’s a haunted look in his eyes that wasn’t there before. My brother looks like he’s been through some things since I saw him last.
“How long are you staying?”
“Actually I took a leave of absence. I needed one.”
He throws an arm around my neck as we walk back down the hall. Growing up, we weren’t as close as I’d have liked just due to the age gap. But once I was a teenager, the five years between us didn’t seem quite so great. Jamie always understood when I complained about mom setting me up with yet another eligible bachelor or belittling the things I care about. He understands better than anyone how parental pressure can drive you crazy.
“So where are you staying? Not here?”
He cringes. “I didn’t really think that part through. I haven’t even been here an hour and Dad already asked if I would be working with him at the firm. I shouldn’t say asked. Assumed. I don’t think a leave of absence is a thing he understands.”
I pull out my phone and text Izzie.
- - Okay if Jamie crashes in the guest room while he’s in town?
She replies back immediately.
- - Of course! Haven’t seen him in ages. C u soon <3
I turn around and drag Jamie back to his room. “Grab your stuff and come with me.”
“Where are we going?” He looks amused but follows my directions, grabbing a black duffel from the bed.