by M. Malone
“I’m rooming with Isabelle now and she said it’s cool if you crash with us for a while. There’s no way I’m leaving you here.”
“You’ve certainly changed. What happened to the girl who was so worried about what everyone thinks?”
“She finally learned that everyone is never satisfied. I’d rather look back and regret the things I did than the things I never had the courage to try. From now on I’m living life full throttle. And so are you.”
He follows me down the stairs and as we pass by, my mother stares at us both in shock. Her voice calls out behind us but we don’t stop.
As we cross the threshold into the frigid evening air, it feels like we’re breaking free.
chapter five
†
ZACK
I’ll always consider it a miracle that I managed to get home without getting into an accident. My focus is a source of pride but today… I’m running on fumes. The entire drive my mind tortures me with possibilities. Josie being untouched. Josie being in love with me.
Josie being mine.
Once I’m home, I pace downstairs unsure of what my next move should be. If Gabe was never with Josie then I have to rewrite the events of the last five or so years. I have to acknowledge that everything I thought I knew has just been torn apart.
I don’t know what to believe and I’m reluctant to ask the only other person involved.
Before I can talk myself out of it, I bound up the stairs and knock on his door. At the sound of his call, I open it. He’s propped up against his pillows reading a book. I notice with relief that Sasha isn’t around. I’m not sure I can have this conversation with an audience.
Gabe takes one look at me and chuckles. “Josie must have been pissed.”
For a moment, I panic. How did he know where I was? Going to see Josie today was a spur of the moment thing. The mirror over his dresser reflects my image back to me and I look myself over quickly. My shirt looks a little rumpled but otherwise, I look like I normally do.
Do I have lipstick on my face or something? Although that doesn’t make sense because Jo doesn’t even wear lipstick. Not that I’ve ever seen anyway.
“Am I wearing a sign? How did you know I saw Jo?”
He tosses his book on the nightstand next to the bed. “You look like you’ve just gone three rounds with a champ. So what did she say?”
I sit on the edge of his bed. “The crazy woman was actually auditioning half naked guys right in her living room.”
Gabe laughs. “I’m sure that was Izzie’s idea.”
I grunt, not seeing the humor at all. “They were from some agency she called. Whatever the case, I told them all to get the hell out.”
“I bet she loved that.”
An image of Josie writhing on my lap derails my thoughts. Then the look on her face when she said I was the reason she’s been here all along. How could I have missed something so huge? It’s like thinking everything is a blur your entire life only to put on glasses for the first time.
I can feel Gabe watching me, waiting for me to continue the story.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“Josie mentioned something today.” I halt, not even sure how to proceed. We’ve had this conversation before and Gabe has always said that they were just friends but I took it as him saying that they didn’t have a relationship right then. Not that they had never had one.
“I think she’s a virgin,” I blurt out.
Gabe clasps his hands in front of him on top of the covers. “Why would you think that? She was dating Perry for a long time. And she’s had other boyfriends before.”
“Just something she said. But I figured that couldn’t be true anyway, right?”
He finally realizes what I’m getting at. “Well, I wouldn’t know either way. I wasn’t her first, if that’s what you’re asking.”
“You were never with Josie. Ever?”
He shakes his head.
My breath leaves my body in a huff of surprise. He’s told me this before but I didn’t believe him then. Part of me is scared to believe it now. Because if it’s true then I’ve wasted years ignoring the way I feel about her. Years of pushing away the one woman I want to get close to.
“Zack. Zack?”
I must look pretty crazy because Gabe is watching me with open concern.
“Hey, I know she probably gave you hell but it’ll be fine. You stopped her from making a huge mistake and once she calms down she’ll see that. Give it a few days and things will be back to usual.”
Usual. Right.
That word means something entirely different now. The usual is that while I’ve been lusting after Josie, she’s been feeling the same way. The usual is that Josie is a twenty-one-year-old virgin and she’s obviously looking to change that fact. To the point where she’s willing to hire some random guy to do it.
I don’t want things to go back to usual.
If Josie wants me to notice her, mission accomplished. And if she’s looking to understand passion, then I’m the one to show her. There’s no doubt in my mind about that.
Gabe takes my facial expression as worry rather than resolve. “Seriously, don’t look so worried. It’s Josie. She’s mad right now but she’ll get over it.”
†
Over the next week it becomes clear that Josie won’t be getting over it anytime soon. She hasn’t called, texted or come by and I’m not the only one who notices. We’re having dinner at home with our moms when both Debbie and Paula comment on how odd it is for her not to at least call for so long.
I shift in my chair, hoping my guilt isn’t written all over my face.
Gabe glances over at me before he says, “She called a few days ago. Her brother is in town.”
Debbie looks relieved. “Oh that’s nice. I’m sure she’s happy to have him back for a little while. He lives in New York, right?”
I shovel in another mouthful of salad and try not to feel hurt. Her brother being in town has nothing to do with why she hasn’t come by. We haven’t gone this long without seeing Jo in years and she’s had any number of family members in town since then. After talking with Gabe, I’ve been thinking a lot about the way we treat her.
She’s trying to be taken seriously with her photography and I haven’t done a great job of supporting that. I went to her show but I’ve given her plenty of grief over the nudity thing. Gabe has been more supportive but he’s always had a tendency to treat her like a little girl who needs to be protected instead of a grown woman in charge of her own destiny.
In hindsight I can see a lot of ways that Gabe and I both haven’t been respectful of her decisions in general. No wonder she’s ignoring us.
“Isn’t that right, Zack?”
My attention snaps back to the table. My mom points to my plate. “It’s good, right? I got the tomatoes you like this time.”
I look down at my plate and nod dumbly. But whatever I’ve agreed to must make some sense because she turns to Debbie and laughs at something she said. I need to snap out of it before anyone else notices my strange mood and makes the connection between my funky attitude and Josie’s absence.
This is exactly what I was worried about happening. Josie and I being at odds puts the entire dynamic of my family at risk. I have to fix this. Going to see her is the only solution because she hasn’t answered any of my calls or texts. It’s time we put this to rest.
When I look up Sasha is watching me closely.
After dinner, I slip out before anyone can ask me what I’m doing. If I let things go on too long, Gabe will eventually go over there. The last thing I want is him finding out about our makeout session on her floor. He’s weirdly protective of her and would immediately assume the worst. I just need to talk to her. Apologize for the things I’ve said. Accusing her of pulling a stunt to grab Gabe’s attention seems pretty stupid in hindsight.
In light of the things I know now, everything I said to her that day was pretty shitt
y.
I park a few houses down and walk over. My car right in front of the house won’t help if she’s avoiding me. I knock and then keep my back turned so only my profile is visible.
The door swings open and Isabelle looks shocked. “Oh. Hi.”
“Can I talk to Jo? Please tell her it won’t take long.”
She doesn’t look convinced so I tack on, “Five minutes. I promise.”
“Fine. Come on in.” She steps back so I can enter the foyer and then walks up the stairs. I stand uncomfortably in the open listening to the soft murmur of voices above me. Probably Isabelle trying to convince Jo to come down. A few minutes later, Josie appears at the head of the stairs.
“What do you want, Zack?”
Again with the loaded questions.
“Five minutes of your time to apologize.”
“Apology accepted. Consider your conscience clear.”
“Josie, please.”
She sighs and then walks down the stairs, clutching her robe around her neck. Up close she looks tired and her eyes are slightly red which really makes me feel like a dick.
“Okay, I’m here. You really don’t have to say anything else. I know you’re sorry.”
“But you don’t know what I’m sorry for. I’m sorry about ruining your thing with the models. This is your profession and I should have respected that.”
She shrugs. “Maybe hiring someone isn’t the right way to go. Last time I used volunteers and I was really happy with the results.”
“Still, I shouldn’t have just barged in. You’re a grown woman and I know your art is important to you. I’m going to try harder to respect that. I’m also really sorry for what I said about you trying to break up Gabe and Sasha. That was a horrible thing to say.”
Her eyes fill suddenly and that almost breaks me. Seeing her in tears and knowing that I’m the cause is one of the lowest points of my life.
“Thank you, Zack. That means a lot. Because that really hurt me.”
I pull her into a hug. She resists it at first and then her arms wrap around my waist. With her shuddering sigh all the tension seems to melt from her body.
“I’m truly sorry, Jo.”
After a few minutes she pulls back. Her smile is slightly embarrassed. “Any chance we can just forget all of this ever happened?”
“Not a chance.”
Her eyes jump to mine. Then it’s back, the same crackling tension in the air that was there right before she kissed me for the first time. Her robe falls open as I pull her into my arms. She’s only wearing boxers and a thin T-shirt. No bra. I can feel her nipples against my chest.
“I’m not sorry for leaving when I did. I still think that we would have regretted it if I’d done what I really wanted to do.”
“What did you want to do?” Her arms curl around my neck and she doesn’t pull away when I open my legs so she can settle between them.
“I wanted to rip that shirt off you and see if your nipples look the way I’ve imagined they do. I wanted to let you keep riding me but without my jeans in the way. You have no idea how many dirty things I want.”
Her eyes drift closed. “I want to know. So much.”
Her lips part slightly and I pull her closer to kiss her softly. She lets out a little sigh when I stroke my tongue over her bottom lip. The kiss starts off soft but quickly flames out of control. My hand comes up to cup a heavy breast, the weight perfect in my palm. She gasps when I brush my thumb over her nipple.
“Is it okay that I’m kissing you?” I ask in between panting breaths.
Her fingers are working some kind of magic on the back of my neck so I’m thinking she’s really okay with it. But I don’t want to make any assumptions here. This is too important.
“More than okay. I told you, I’m not the one who’s confused.”
I pick up her hand and bring it to my lips. “I have no right to ask for a favor but I’m doing it anyway.”
“What is it?”
“If you hire someone for this thing, I’ll worry about you every day. I still want you to use me. I realize I may not be what you were looking for but…”
“All that ink makes for a pretty interesting canvas. You’re perfect, Zack. You’re everything I’ve been looking for.”
Her words have a double meaning now and I’m reminded again why it’s so important that I don’t fuck this up.
“I’ve been thinking about what you said. About wanting to just live your life and be happy. To have some adventures. Let’s do that.”
She pulls back, an amused smile on her lips. “You want to help me have adventures?”
“Yeah. I need to get used to you taking my picture so maybe you can bring your camera while we do stuff.”
“What kind of stuff?”
“Fun stuff. Whatever we feel like doing. Let’s start with getting you out of the house. Go get dressed.” I pop her on the bottom.
She raises an eyebrow but turns and goes back upstairs. Five minutes later she comes back down in tight jeans, a sweater and a faded blue ball cap with her ponytail pulled through the back. She grabs a hooded zip-up jacket from the stand by the door. Her camera bag is hanging there as well. I grab it and hand it to her.
“Adventure time starts now.”
†
Josie follows me to my car. She doesn’t ask any questions but I can tell she’s carefully considering everything. I’m not even sure where I’m taking her I just know that we need to be alone. Before I even know what I’m doing, I’m driving back toward Gabe’s house. I park in the drive and then as we climb out of the car, I hold out my hand to Josie.
“Let’s take a walk.”
She accepts my hand and we walk together through his backyard. We keep going past his property line to the river that runs behind his house. I step on a rock in the center and then jump to the other side. One of my feet lands in the water.
“Fuck that’s cold!”
I shake my foot, happy that I wore thick boots. The top of my sock is wet but if I’d been wearing sneakers my entire foot would have been soaked. Josie chuckles and then hops over and lands next to me gracefully. She tips her chin up to the sun and the look on her face is so peaceful. Then she opens her eyes and follows me as I lead us deeper into the woods.
As we walk, the dead leaves on the ground crunch under our feet. Josie burrows deeper into her jacket. I pull her under my arm, sharing my body heat. She looks up at me gratefully.
“This is exactly what I needed.”
“Me, too. I’ve been going crazy this past week. I knew that I was wrong as soon as I left but I was trying to respect your wishes. You asked me to leave you alone so I left you alone. But it was really hard.”
“I would have never guessed. You’ve always seemed so … I don’t know. Just like you don’t care what anyone thinks. Whether it’s getting another tattoo or shaving your head, you do what you want, when you want. I envy that.”
“Don’t. My rebellion was just as much a product of frustration as your willingness to follow. Ever since I was little, I’ve been poked and prodded. Doing what I wanted with my body the rest of the time was the only time I was in control of anything. You know how we grew up?”
She nods. I figured that Gabe had told her the story at least once.
“Well, people weren’t always welcoming. Our moms’ situation is unique and it can bring out the worst in people. With all the doctor visits to control my diabetes, it wasn’t easy. Gabe’s reaction was to become more charming. He became a master manipulator. He was determined to make people like him no matter what. Me? I was so tired and sick a lot of the time. I didn’t have the energy to care about what anyone thought of us and after a while I decided it was better that way.”
She leans against me and her hair brushes against my face. Normally I would shy away from this kind of intimacy but at this moment, in this place and time, it seems totally right to rest my head against hers and soak up all the warmth she offers. Being so close to her gives me th
e courage to broach the subject we’ve both been avoiding.
“You really dropped a bomb on me last week.”
She groans. “That was totally embarrassing. I can’t believe I even said all that stuff to you. I wish I could take it back.”
“I don’t. What you said… does that mean what I think it does? You’ve really never…”
“Had sex? That’s a negative.”
“Wow.”
“I know. A twenty-one-year-old virgin. I’ve been compared to finding a unicorn in the wild.” She rolls her eyes.
Trying to keep the laughter out of my voice is difficult but I’m really trying to have a serious conversation. “You never wanted to with anyone before?”
She shrugs. “Perry was great about it. He respected that I wanted to wait. But when he proposed, he wanted to, you know, for my twenty-first birthday. I was thinking about just letting him do it but then I would look at that picture, the one I showed you and I just… couldn’t.”
“I’m glad you didn’t.”
Her satisfied smile lets me know how she feels about that.
“Anyway, I decided that if I have to lie back and think of England the whole time then what the hell is the point? I don’t want it to be something I close my eyes and suffer through.”
“It should never be something you suffer through, Josie. If it’s right, then you’ll want to do it.”
She looks up at me through her lashes. “I wanted to with you. That day.”
A shudder runs through me. “I wanted to with you, too. This whole thing is unexpected. For years you were just Josie and then one day when I looked at you, I suddenly saw all this other stuff, too. But your first time shouldn’t be on the floor. It should be special.”
There’s laughter in her eyes when she glances up at me. “I think it would have been pretty special. Besides, you’re already my first in every other way. My first love. My first kiss.”