Zack

by M. Malone

  “I love this Zack. I love it all.”

  His eyes flare and his fingers tighten around my waist. I hope he can hear what I’m really saying. That I don’t just love the sex.

  I love him.

  The friction is unbearable and before long we’re both moaning, straining against each other as the tension builds. It feels like a storm gathering inside me and when he reaches between us to stroke my clit in time with the rhythm of each harsh thrust, I explode. My fists fall against my thighs as I ride out wave after wave of blistering pleasure and when Zack stiffens beneath me, I know he feels it, too.

  Afterward, he gathers me close and wraps his arms around me. Neither of us speak. The things I’m feeling are too complicated for words. My love for him is tempered by my fear of overwhelming him and pushing him away. He’s already feeling pressure, his words earlier prove that. He thinks that I want him to change, to conform, to fit the image that would gain my parents’ approval. When all I really want is the one thing I can’t ask for.

  For him to realize that he loves me just as much as I love him.

  After I finally fall asleep again, my dreams are tormented. I’m chasing Zack and he’s always just out of reach. He’s wearing his tuxedo but for some reason when I look down at my own clothes, I’m wearing my paint-splattered coveralls. I wake up confused and feeling like I didn’t get any rest at all. Then I roll over and see the empty space next to me. Zack left in the middle of the night. Suddenly I wonder if my dreams weren’t a warning.

  If I keep chasing Zack, there’s a chance he’ll run away and won’t come back.

  †

  Sex has addled my brain.

  Zack has been coming over every evening to spend time with me for the past week, which has worked out since we’ve had the house to ourselves a lot. Izzie has been going out with her friends and I’m not sure what’s up with Jamie. He’s been weird and strangely grumpy lately, too. But all the time alone has meant lots of opportunities to indulge in my new favorite activity. We’ve been all over this house in every position and there are a few days where I was surprised I could walk properly afterward.

  All the sex has truly addled my brain.

  That’s the only reason I can think of why it takes me so long to notice that something is off with Zack.

  He comes over on Friday after work and the first thing I notice are the dark circles under his eyes. I lead him to the couch and sit next to him. He leans his head back against the cushion and closes his eyes.

  “You look tired, babe. Come on. We can take a little nap.” I grab his hand and he allows me to pull him to his feet.

  I lead him upstairs to my room and he stretches out on the bed while I sit in my desk chair. His deep extended groan when his head hits the pillow sounds like the kind of noise he’d make during sex.

  “Wow, you’re really exhausted. You’re welcome to just sleep over if you want. Then you won’t have to get up later and drive home.”

  I hope that my eagerness isn’t completely obvious. I want to sleep wrapped up in his embrace and wake up the same way. But so far, he never stays with me.

  He doesn’t look at me as he says, “Don’t worry. I’ll be fine in about an hour. I need to get home anyway. Tank and Finn were at the house visiting Gabe when I left.”

  I ignore the tickle of disappointment at how he always manages to avoid any talk of sleeping over. “What are they up to?”

  “Tank’s getting married and asked Gabe for help with the vows. He said the only thing he could think of to say was ‘If I’m in a coma, I trust her not to pull the plug.’ I thought that was pretty good.”

  I laugh. “That’s great. I hope they left that in.”

  “Gabe came up with some flowery shit that basically is a nicer way of saying the same thing.”

  He’s quiet for a minute then says, “When I came home that night after the anniversary party, Gabe asked where I was.”

  I sit up immediately. No wonder he’s being so weird. “What did you tell him?”

  “The truth. Sort of. I told him that I escorted you to the party and then fell asleep here afterward.”

  “Well, that’s good. I think you’re being overly cautious. Yes, it’ll be awkward when we first tell everyone, especially your moms, but it’s no big deal.”

  He snorts. “You didn’t see his face. This is going to turn into an entire cluster of fucks if we’re not careful.”

  “I hope not. I would never want to come between you guys. You’re family. Jamie and I haven’t been as close as I’d like but we’re changing that. Having those bonds is so important.”

  Zack makes a sound of agreement but the effort seems to take a lot out of him. His skin looks so pale and there’s a fine sheen of sweat on his brow.

  “Are you okay, Zack?”

  He rolls over. “Yeah, I’m just tired. Sorry, I’m not too entertaining today.”

  “Don’t worry about … that.” I’m laughing and blushing at the same time when I realize what he’s referring to. “I don’t need to be entertained right now. I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

  “It’s just stress.”

  If this is stress, then I’m going to be a basket case if he ever gets truly sick. He pats the bed next to him and I climb over his legs and stretch out.

  “Anything I can help with?”

  He shakes his head. “Stress tends to send my blood sugar levels through the roof. I just need to relax.”

  “Close your eyes.”

  He closes them obediently and I stroke his hair back from his face gently. He lets out a deep sigh. Soon his breathing is steady and even. After about ten minutes, he opens his eyes again.

  “My blood monitor is in the car. Can you get it?”

  “Actually, I have one here. I bought it just in case you might need it.”

  I get up and walk into the bathroom across the hall from my room. The first aid kit and the blood monitor I bought are below the sink. I bring it back to him and he inspects the packaging. As he’s opening it, I notice that his hands are shaking slightly. It’s not fun to prick yourself on any given day but trying to do it when your hands aren’t steady sounds like torture.

  “Do you want me to do it for you?”

  His eyes lift to mine. “You don’t have to do that. That’s a lot to ask.”

  “Nothing is too much to ask. I want to help you.”

  He stares at me so long that I wonder if he thinks it’s weird that I even asked that.

  “I guess that means you wouldn’t pull the plug on me, then.”

  Even though he’s joking, there’s a question in his eyes that I can’t leave unanswered. “I would do anything for you, Zack.”

  “I know,” he replies softly.

  His eyes stay on me the whole time as I prick his finger and press it against the test strip. I slide the strip into the machine. After it beeps, I show him the readout.

  “It’s a little high still but not as bad as it was,” he says.

  My audible sigh of relief coaxes a chuckle out of Zack. I would have really hated to have to prick his finger a second time.

  “In sickness and in health,” he murmurs.

  I glance at him in shock but his eyes are closed. After a few minutes, his breathing evens out. He’s asleep.

  †

  When Zack calls the next day, he’s quieter than usual. I wonder if I’ve turned him off by being too sentimental. Just because I’ve loved him forever doesn’t mean that he’s going to be in the same place emotionally right away.

  He has a right to want to take things slow. Sleeping over is a big deal and I don’t want to push him into it or make him feel obligated to do it. It should be something that happens naturally. I have to remind myself that everyone doesn’t live with their heart on their sleeve like I do.

  “Give the guy a chance to catch up, Josie,” I mumble to myself.

  “Huh?” Isabelle looks over at me from the kitchen table where she’s sitting with her coffee and a magazine.<
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  “Nothing.”

  “What?” Zack’s voice in my ear reminds me that he’s still there.

  “Sorry, I was talking to Izzie. What did you say?”

  “I just asked if you changed your mind about coming tonight?”

  “Coming where?”

  “The opening of Sasha’s jazz lounge is tonight. It’s supposed to be quite a party.”

  “That’s tonight?” I freeze. After marking it on my calendar, I promptly forgot all about it. Luckily I didn’t plan anything else for tonight so it’s okay.

  I move into the living room, away from Izzie’s curious ears. She’s been very respectful of my time with Zack so far, probably because she can tell how much it means to me. But that doesn’t mean that she won’t jump on anything juicy she overhears. We’re still figuring out things between us and I’m not ready to talk about it with anyone else yet.

  “What time are we going?” I ask once I’m out of her earshot.

  “That’s the thing. We can’t show up together. Everyone will see us.”

  Now that’s annoying. Even though I understand his reasoning behind keeping things to ourselves, I’m tired of the secrecy and sneaking around. There’s no reason that we should be made to feel like we’re doing something wrong when we’re not.

  Then I imagine everyone I know talking about the fact that I’m sleeping with Zack. And what if it doesn’t work out? Then I’ll be not only heartbroken but humiliated as I have to deal with all the questions. Just the thought makes my cheeks burn. Maybe I’m not quite as ready to go public as I think I am.

  “Does that mean I won’t get to see you at all tonight?” I stick out my bottom lip in a pout even though he can’t see me.

  He growls and the sound turns me on even over the phone. “Hell, no. I’m coming home with you after.”

  That makes me feel better.

  “Okay, see you then.”

  I slip my cellphone into my pocket and walk back into the kitchen to grab a yogurt from the refrigerator. Izzie is staring into space looking kind of glum.

  “You want to come with me to the opening of a jazz lounge tonight?”

  That perks her right up. “Sounds fun! I’d love to come. I’ve missed hanging out with you.”

  I instantly feel guilty. I’ve been so wrapped up in Zack that I’ve pretty much checked out of every other area of my life.

  “Well, this is right up your alley. Boys, booze and booty-shaking.”

  She smiles but it doesn’t quite reach her eyes. “Is that what you think of me? That I’m only out for a good time?”

  I sit across from her and grasp her hand on top of the table. “Of course not. I didn’t mean it that way.”

  “It’s no big deal. I’m just sensitive today. Hormonal.” She rolls her eyes. But the tension doesn’t leave her mouth and she can’t quite meet my eyes.

  “Izzie, is everything okay?”

  Under my scrutiny she straightens her shoulders. “Sure. Give me an hour and I’ll be ready to go. Nothing gets between me and a party.” She squeezes my hand and then gets up to put her coffee cup in the sink.

  As she walks away, I wonder at the strange change in her demeanor. Maybe I’m not the only one keeping secrets lately.

  chapter eleven

  †

  ZACK

  Later that evening, I stand naked in front of the mirror in my bathroom. What’s reflected back is mainly the same as what I’ve been staring at my whole life. Except for one critical difference.

  This guy is clearly in love.

  My clippers feel heavy in my hand. This is the longest I’ve gone without shaving my head in years. The new look doesn’t bother me as much as I would have thought it would. However, the reason I did it does.

  I’ve been changing who I am for her and that’s not how I want to live. Pretending to fit in her world by compromising every aspect of my self. What will I have to change next? That’s what worries me the most. Not knowing where it ends.

  I love Josie enough to give her the real me. And I have to trust her enough to want me exactly as I am.

  The buzz of the clippers soothes me as I take all the hair off on both sides. Then I get out my razor. When I’m done, the lightning bolts tattooed on either side of my scalp are once again visible. I smile at the familiar image in the mirror.

  I’m back.

  “Zack, are you coming with me?”

  I startle at Gabe’s loud voice right outside the door.

  “No, I’ll meet you there,” I yell back.

  Footsteps sound on the stairs and then the front door closes. Sasha left earlier in the day to supervise last minute details. Gabe told me that she had a bad experience on a reality show that almost put her off performing entirely. I rarely watch television so I had no idea. Apparently tonight she’ll be performing a new song. Her excitement is infectious and I’m happy to see her doing what she’s passionate about.

  When I arrive at The Lounge, all the parking on both sides of the street is taken. I park a few streets over and walk back, raising the collar on my leather jacket to block the wind. Glancing around at the dark streets, I wonder if Josie has arrived yet. I hate thinking of her walking out here alone.

  I give my name to the guy at the door and then enter the throng of dancing people. The decor is old-school speakeasy and gives me a decadent Prohibition-era vibe. My eyes skim over the people dancing around me until I locate Tank on the other side of the room. Our oldest brother is six foot five easily and hard to miss even in a crowded room.

  When I reach him, I see that he’s standing with Finn and our youngest brother, Luke. I bump fists with the guys and I give Tank’s fiancée, Emma, a quick hug.

  I look at Finn. “Where’s Rissa?”

  He smiles at the sound of her name. “She had a job that she couldn’t get out of. But she’ll be here a little later.”

  The crowd goes wild when Sasha steps on stage and performs her new song. I glance around again, looking for Josie. Where the hell is she? It’s already dark outside and the later it gets, the more deserted the streets will be. I glance at my phone. Maybe I should call and find out where she is. I could always go meet her outside and walk her in. I’m so busy thinking about Jo that I don’t even notice Sasha’s finished performing until the crowd goes crazy again.

  I circle the room once, thinking maybe Jo is at the bar or on the dance floor. I’m getting frustrated when slim arms encircle me from behind. Then I hear a throaty voice I’d know anywhere.

  “Hey sexy, can I get your number?”

  I laugh and then turn around. She’s dressed in all black and wearing this red gloss that makes her lips look wet. My heart skips a beat when I take in the skintight black jeans and her skimpy black tank top. I’m supposed to pretend that I don’t want her and she dresses like this?

  She’s trying to kill me.

  “I was just about to call you. Did you drive?”

  “No, I caught a ride with Isabelle. Know anyone who wouldn’t mind giving me a ride home?”

  She winks and then saunters off. I’m two seconds from following when someone taps me on the shoulder. I turn to see Gabe and Sasha.

  “You’re finally here!” Sasha pulls me into a hug. I can tell she’s had a few drinks because she’s extremely affectionate when she’s tipsy. I smirk at Gabe over her shoulder.

  He immediately pulls her out of my arms. “Get your own.”

  Working on it, I think.

  “Did you come by yourself?” Gabe asks.

  “Yeah. Why wouldn’t I?”

  He gives me a strange look. “Just wondering. I thought I saw you talking to someone earlier.”

  Shit. He probably saw Josie grab me but wasn’t close enough to be able to tell who it was.

  “Where is Josie? I hope she comes. She’s so much fun. Isn’t she so much fun, Zack?” Sasha is staring at me in a way that makes me wonder what she knows. Just because Gabe couldn’t see who I was talking to earlier doesn’t mean she didn’t.
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  “Yeah, I guess.”

  “Ooh! I just remembered. I’m giving out prizes. Can you get them from the storage closet for me? It’s a big green box.” Sasha points to a door on the other side of the room, in the corridor with the bathrooms.

  “Sure. No problem.” I walk away, happy for the excuse to cross the room and look for Josie.

  Someone coming out of one of the bathrooms brushes past me as I walk down the corridor. I turn the handle and enter the room. Josie turns around. The door closes behind me and the noise from the club is immediately silenced.

  “Wow, this must be soundproofed.”

  She grins and then turns back around, reaching for something on one of the shelves. “What are you doing in here? Miss me, already?”

  “I’m getting something for Sasha. What are you doing in here?”

  She whips around, her eyes wide. “I’m getting something for her, too. Oh, she better not have!” She reaches for the door handle behind me and tugs. Then tugs again. “I can’t believe her!”

  “What’s wrong with the door? I just opened it.”

  Josie leans one hand on the back of the door and sighs. “There’s nothing wrong with it. It’s just locked.”

  I tug at the handle, too.

  “Still locked.” She raises her eyebrows at me.

  “I was just checking, brat. Why the hell would Sasha lock us in her storage closet?”

  Josie throws up her hands. “Because she knows how I feel about you. I had to tell her because she was worried that I was after Gabe.”

  “Christ. If she knows, how long before she tells him?”

  “She’s known for a long time and hasn’t said anything so I don’t think she will. That won’t stop her from playing matchmaker though.”

  Suddenly the whole situation strikes me as funny. Josie gives me an annoyed look when I burst out laughing.

  “This isn’t funny!”

  “Yes, it kind of is. Sasha thinks she’s helping and really has no idea that her plan could end up blowing our whole cover.”