by M. Malone
Zack shifts uncertainly. “I don’t think you’re going to like the answer to that question.”
I stand, unable to be still anymore. This makes me so agitated that I want to kick something. I adore Gabe but his tendency to treat me like I’m fragile or incapable of making my own decisions is infuriating.
“Just tell me what he said.”
Zack sighs. “Since you just broke up with Perry, he thinks I’m taking advantage of your sad, confused state to get in your pants.”
The truth is even worse than what I was imagining. Several things pop into my head but I’m too pissed to even get them out.
Zack seems to sense my rage because he grabs my flailing fists and squeezes until I let out a huff.
“He just needs to adjust to the way things are now.”
He sounds confident but I’m not so sure. What if this causes a rift between them that never mends? A break isn’t always caused by something huge. All it takes is one small crack in a pane of glass. One crack and the entire thing shatters.
And once broken there are some things you can never put back together again.
†
Zack doesn’t leave until after we finish cooking breakfast. I wish he didn’t have to ever leave but there are vital things he needs from home. Clothes, his insulin and his keys to the shop. He’s planning to pack a bag so he can stay here for a few days at least. Not that Gabe would kick his own brother out in the street but he figures it’s a good idea to give them both some time to cool off so they don’t say things they can’t take back.
I think that’s a good idea.
Jamie comes down right before lunch. His hair is sticking up in the front and he looks hungover.
“What was all that racket this morning?” he asks.
“Ugh. Long story.”
He eyes me as I pour myself another cup of coffee and then collapse at the kitchen table. I rest my head on my arm. It’s not even noon and I’m exhausted. It feels like I’ve lived a month’s worth of drama in one morning.
“Did I hear Gabe’s voice this morning or did I dream that?”
“You heard him but it was more like a nightmare. He came over unexpectedly and then cussed Zack out because he found out about our secret relationship.”
Jamie gapes. “Wait, it was a secret? So was Gabe jealous or something? I know you guys used to be pretty hot and heavy back in the day, right?”
I sigh. “No, we weren’t. That’s part of that long story I mentioned.”
Jamie tilts his head, seeming to make a decision. He gestures for me to get up.
“Let’s take a walk. I need to get some fresh air and you can tell me this long, fascinating story.”
“It’s cold outside,” I grumble but get up and follow him to the front door.
“You’ve got enough hot air saved up to keep us warm. Come on.”
He waits while I put on my shoes and slip into a thick down jacket. He puts on his own coat and then winds one of Isabelle’s scarves around his neck. I follow him out and down the drive. It’s a nice day, cold but crisp, and the sharp air clears my head instantly. Our neighbor across the street, a widower Izzie has known since she was a toddler, waves at us from his seat by his living room window. We both wave back.
“Nice neighborhood,” Jamie observes. “Izzie really likes it here.”
I’m glad to hear that he and Izzie have been getting along better. My brother can be stuffy and rigid in his ways sometimes but he’s a really good listener. I decide to tell him that.
“I’m glad you’re back for a while. I miss having you around as a sounding board.”
“I’m glad I’m back, too. Things were different in New York. I changed and not into a person that I was proud of.”
“You’re making changes that you can be proud of now. That’s what counts.”
He smiles at me and bumps my arm affectionately. “Enough stalling. Tell me what’s really going on with this sordid, brother against brother love triangle you’ve got going on.”
I snort. “It’s not a love triangle at all. Gabe and I were always just friends despite the fact that everyone else wanted us to be together.”
“Wow, I never even knew that.”
“You weren’t the only one. Zack believed it, too. All I wanted for years was for him to notice me and now that he finally does, Gabe assumes that he’s taking advantage of me or something.”
Jamie doesn’t say anything but seems to be mulling it all over. I want him to say something, tell me that I’m right to be so angry.
“I just can’t believe that Gabe is being such a douchenozzle about this!” I continue.
He snorts out a laugh. “A douchenozzle?”
“Yes,” I laugh, too. “He should be ashamed for even thinking that Zack would hurt me. I hate feeling like I’m caught between them. Because if it comes down to a choice, I’ll choose Zack.”
Jamie looks over at me in surprise. “This thing with Zack, it’s really that serious?”
“Yeah. I’ve been in love with him forever. If it hasn’t worn off yet then I don’t think it’s going to.”
We walk along in silence, our breath puffing around our faces in frosty clouds. Even though I didn’t want to take a walk, the exercise is helping. Problems don’t seem so big out here. My stress level goes down a little. Even though this was a pretty crappy way for Gabe to find out, he’ll get used to it eventually. Jamie’s next words tell me that he’s come to the same conclusion.
“I don’t think Gabe is really angry. He’s worried. He cares about you. You’ve been friends a long time.”
“Yeah, I hear what you’re saying. But a real friend would want me to be happy. I can’t be happy without Zack. He should understand. He feels the same way about Sasha.”
“What if it was the other way around? If you were in his position it wouldn’t bother you at all?”
“No, of course not. Why would it?”
“So, if I told you I liked Isabelle, you’d have no problem with it?”
“Why would I?” I insist.
“Great. Because Isabelle asked me not to go back to New York. And I want to stay.”
I stop walking. Jamie walks a few steps before he realizes that I’m not next to him anymore. He turns around and then sighs.
“What? Wait… you’re serious? You aren’t just saying that to make a point?”
“No. I’m not.”
It makes me feel like the worst person ever that my first thought is whether Isabelle just jumped him because he was so readily available. Jamie has been through a lot over the past year and he hasn’t been in a great place emotionally for a while. And Isabelle, well … she’s Isabelle. I’m not sure how I feel about this. She’s flighty and fun and doesn’t take much seriously. She’s the exact opposite of what I would have imagined my studious, hardworking brother would go for.
Is it wrong that my first instinct is to protect him?
“Realizing that you’re a hypocrite isn’t fun,” I say finally.
Jamie chuckles. “We weren’t trying to deceive you, Josie. Or leave you out. It’s just so new between us. I’m having fun for the first time in a long time. And I think this is something special for her, too. I want to see where it goes.”
“I’m happy for you, James. Really and truly happy.”
He smiles and it’s so unlike him, a little bashful and innocent in a way that I’m not used to seeing him. “Really? You don’t think I’ll screw it up? I’ve screwed up a lot of stuff in my life so far.”
“Not this. I think the two of you are going to be good for each other.”
We walk along arm in arm until he glances over at me. “What are you going to do about Gabe?”
“I have no idea. But I’m hoping he’s as reasonable and enlightened as I am.”
He snorts. It feels good to laugh with him again. Although I would have never in a million years thought Isabelle would be a match for him, there’s no denying that my brother is happier than I’ve ever seen him.
“So, you and Izzie? This is going to take some getting used to.”
†
When we get to the house, Izzie is in the kitchen. Jamie takes off his coat and doesn’t even bother to hang it on the rack. He just walks right up to her and lifts her off her feet.
“James, what are you doing?” She glances over at me nervously.
“It’s okay. We’re officially out of the closet, baby.” He kisses her right there in the kitchen, like he hasn’t seen her in years.
When he sets her down, she sways into him like she’s a little dazed. The look on her face when she leans into him is pure love. I’ve known Izzie for years and I’ve never seen her look at anyone like that. I’m saddened to think that they were hiding this for fear of my reaction. Especially since I know how hard it is to hide how you feel, fearing how your loved ones will react.
“It’s okay. Jamie told me everything.”
“I hope not everything,” she whispers to him.
The dirty smile on his face makes me laugh. I may have thought that Isabelle was too wild for him but it sounds like there are some hidden layers to my conservative older brother. Whatever the case, there are some things a sister doesn’t need to know.
“I’m sure he left some stuff out but I won’t ask about it. And you are never, ever to tell me.”
“Got it,” she replies happily.
“But I’m happy for you. Both of you.”
She walks over and pulls me into a hug. Jamie watches us with a relieved expression on his face. I can tell that he was really worried about how I would act around Izzie. But I’m truly thrilled. She’s been like a sister to me for so long that in a way, he did what I couldn’t do. Brought us even closer.
I whisper to her, “Maybe one day we’ll be sisters for real.”
“Oh Josie, I would love that,” she whispers back.
She starts squealing in my ear and I have to laugh because her reaction is just so … Izzie. Wild, untamed and one hundred percent real. Family events are going to be way more entertaining now. The thought makes me smile.
“Just wait until he brings you home to our parents.”
Izzie groans. “We’re not that brave yet.”
I leave the lovebirds snuggling in the kitchen to go back upstairs. They look like they could use the time alone and honestly, my emotions are a little too raw for me to be around all that happiness. Right now, Zack is gathering his stuff from Gabe’s house and probably regretting ever getting involved with me. His relationship with his brother is on shaky ground and who knows if this will affect the business they own together. Being with me has torpedoed every major area of his life.
He probably wishes he’d left me to the Magic Mike auditions that day.
An hour later, Zack enters my room carrying a duffel bag over his shoulder and wheeling a rolling suitcase behind him. At least he’s not sporting a black eye or bruised knuckles so I know he wasn’t fighting.
“How did it go?”
He glances down at the suitcase. Stupid question, Josie. Things couldn’t have gone too well or he wouldn’t be bringing half his earthly belongings to my house. He reads the trepidation on my face because he taps me under the chin and says, “It will all blow over eventually.”
“That bad, huh? Well, you tried to warn me that this would happen.”
I take the duffel bag from him and place it on the foot of the bed. He rolls the suitcase into my walk-in closet. Then he stretches out on his side of the bed facing me. We rest there quietly just breathing together. His eyes meet mine.
“Do you regret it?” I ask quietly, hating how scared I am of his answer.
He takes my hand and pulls me closer. I snuggle right under his arm. I love being this close to him.
“Listen to me, sweetheart. When I was a little boy, I was hospitalized several times. I usually roomed with kids who didn’t have chronic diseases. Maybe they broke an arm or had their tonsils removed. The important thing to me was that they got to go home and be normal after their hospital stay.”
He pauses in the middle of his story and I glance up, surprised to find that he’s obviously getting emotional.
“I envied those kids. There were so many times when I wished we could change places. It made me feel ashamed when I thought about how Gabe or my moms would feel if they knew.”
“I’m sure they would have understood.”
Zack keeps everything so locked down that it’s easy to forget that he’s had a pretty rough road in the past. Between their financial difficulties growing up to the complications from his diabetes, a lesser person would have emerged bitter and sullen. Instead, he built a business and has been a rock for the rest of his family.
My admiration for him grows every day.
“I’m sure they would have,” he continues. “But I can’t deny I’ve felt that a few times even when I was an adult. How much easier would my life have been if I’d been born into a normal family or even an unconventional family with money?”
“But then we never would have met.”
His eyes shift over to mine. “You’re right. And that would have been a tragedy. When I saw that book of photos you have of me, that was the first time I felt like someone thought I was worth noticing. I saw myself through your eyes and I’m not broken or defective.”
“You’re perfect, Zack. Perfect for me.”
He kisses me and by the time he raises his head we’re both breathing hard.
“I could never regret you. You showed me I’m exactly who I’m meant to be and I’m loved exactly the way I am.”
chapter thirteen
†
ZACK
Things are tense over the next two weeks. At the shop, Gabe mainly ignores me and everyone has noticed the tension between us. I’ve been texting Sasha every time I need to drop by to pick up stuff and she must be warning Gabe because he’s always gone by the time I get there.
I’ve brought most of my stuff to Josie’s place at this point so I don’t have to go back there too often. I feel bad for Sasha because the stress of running interference has to be wearing on her. The last time I was there, she hugged me so tight, like she was afraid it would be the last time.
Maybe I’m afraid it was, too. I was so sure that this would blow over and Gabe would see reason. We’d both apologize and move on. But I’ve never gone this long without talking to my brother before. It would be one thing if he was mad and yelling at me but this silence is chilling.
It’s like he’s already written me off as out of his life.
When I get a call from Debbie on a Wednesday asking us to drop by, I agree even though I don’t feel like going out. We’ve always had a routine where they would come to Gabe’s for dinner during the week and we’d go to their house for dinner on the weekends. It made it easier for us working late hours at the garage if dinner was waiting when we got home.
But avoiding Gabe has meant that I’ve seen less of our moms than usual, too.
As soon as I pull into their driveway and see Gabe’s car, I know what’s going on. Josie sees it too and she covers my hand with hers. “It’s time. Come on, let’s just go see what they have to say.”
Debbie answers the door and as soon as we walk in, Gabe and Sasha look up from where they’re seated on the couch. He looks at me and then looks at Debbie in surprise.
“Yes, we tricked you. We have a few things we want to say.” She crosses her arms.
Josie squeezes my arm and then speaks up. “I need a few things from the drugstore. Why don’t Sasha and I go run a few errands and leave you all to talk.”
“You don’t have to leave,” Debbie says.
Josie gives her a hug and then Paula. “I think maybe a good talking to from their moms is exactly what they need right now.”
Sasha hugs them both also and then they leave. Gabe still hasn’t looked at me.
Paula points to the dining room table. “Sit. Both of you. We’re going to nip this in the bud.”
She
sits at one end of the table and Debbie sits at the other. Gabe and I sit across from each other. This is like some kind of bootleg family court they’ve got going on here.
Debbie clears her throat.
“First, we want you both to know that we love you very much. That’s why we’ve asked you to come here today. Because there is no place for division in this family.”
Her voice shakes a little at the end of her speech. She’s always been very sensitive to confrontation and anger. It really upsets her. Mediating like this has to be tearing her up inside.
I hang my head a little, ashamed that this feud between Gabe and I has brought stress on our moms. It’s like I’m five years old and in trouble for sneaking cookies again.
Paula takes over. “Sasha filled us in a little and the rest we’ve figured out on our own. But we’re very disappointed in the way you boys have handled this.”
Gabe sighs. “Mom, we weren’t trying–“
“No. You two have done more than enough talking. It’s time for you to listen. Starting with the fact that no one else knows your friendship with Josie as well as we do. We’ve had a backseat view to the whole thing.”
She looks over to Debbie. It’s obvious they’ve prearranged how to handle this.
“It’s true,” Debbie continues. “She was a lonely little girl looking for someone to notice her. We gave her the family connection she needed and she brought joy into all of our lives.”
“But she’s not a doll you can dress up and show off to your friends,” Paula interjects, looking directly at Gabe. “She’s a person with thoughts, feelings and yes, womanly desires of her own.”
I’m pretty sure my face is beet red by now. Gabe and I would probably both agree to a ceasefire right now if we never have to hear either of our mothers talk about “womanly desires” ever again.
“This is almost as bad as the birds and the bees speech from the sixth grade,” Gabe mutters with a pained look on his face.
I try but I can’t hold back my laugh. My mom glares at me and I smother it with the palm of my hand. No matter how old I get, my mom’s death glare is still effective.