by M. Malone
“Now, I know you think you’re protecting her, Gabe. I know that. And it’s sweet that you want to do that. But we’ve always known that Josie had a sweet spot for Zack.”
Gabe looks at his mom in surprise, then glances over at me. “You did?”
Debbie grins. “Oh yes. The little thing was always spying on him and following him around asking him questions. I know it annoyed him at first but I think after a while he liked it.”
“Yeah, I did. I still do,” I admit.
Gabe doesn’t look quite as mutinous now but looks back and forth between all of us like he’s considering everything.
“I’m not trying to treat her like a doll or whatever. Maybe I’ve just been trying to protect her for so long that I don’t know when to stop.”
I know the admission has to be hard for him. “You don’t need to protect her from me. I love her, too. And I always will.”
He nods to that. It’s slight but I get the message. No more fighting. Our family is more important than either of our pride.
“I’m sorry,” Gabe grumbles.
“Me, too. Not for falling in love with Josie but for keeping it from you. I wouldn’t have liked to be shut out either.”
Debbie beams. “See, that’s so much better, isn’t it?”
I laugh at her obvious relief. “Yeah it is. And while we’re having our little “come to Jesus” meeting, there’s something else I want to say. I’m going to get in touch with Max. He’s made a lot of mistakes, huge ones that have hurt a lot of people. But I want to talk to him one last time. I think I’ll regret it if I don’t.”
Gabe clenches his jaw. “I guess that’s fair.”
Debbie pats my arm. “If that’s what you need to do honey, I think you should do it.”
My mom hasn’t said anything which I know means she doesn’t like the idea. She’s been the most vocal over the years about her hatred for the man who left them both pregnant and alone. But then she surprises the hell out of me by nodding her head.
“I think you should do it, too.”
Even Debbie looks shocked.
“Oh don’t y’all look so surprised. I can evolve!” She rolls her eyes when we all burst into laughter. “Seriously, I’m starting to think the old bastard actually did us a favor.”
“You don’t mean that,” Debbie scolds.
“Actually I do,” Paula replies. She holds out her hands to Gabe and I and we both take them. “After all, it’s hard to be mad at the rascal when he left his most priceless possessions here with us.”
†
Getting closure from Max turns out to be way more complicated than just making the decision. Tank mentioned he’d gone back to Ireland after Gabe’s stabbing but I’d assumed he would be back at some point. He has so many business interests here that it never occurred to me he might not ever come back.
After almost a week of messages back and forth from his lawyer, I’m standing outside his usual suite at the StarCrest hotel, one of the many luxury hotels he owns. I’m not sure how to act around him now that I know the truth. He's a guy who left his kids but he did it for a good reason.
Although I have to shake my head at the idea of Max deliberately knocking up a bunch of women. It’s such a twisted sort of logic but I can't deny that his plan worked. He has five sons who all grew up relatively normal and away from the long arm of his criminal family. Which wouldn't have happened if Max had stayed in our lives.
Now that I know more about what he was running away from, I’m not so sure I wouldn't have made the same choice.
When I finally knock, Max answers the door himself. “Come in, Zachary. I’m glad you’re here.”
“Hey, Max. Thanks for seeing me.”
I step inside and follow him into the hotel suite, trying to keep my shock at his appearance under control. Max has been sick the entire time I’ve known him but he looks like he’s aged twenty years in the last few months. He’s walking with his cane though instead of using the wheelchair so he must not be doing that badly.
It’s quiet in the suite and his usual bevy of assistants aren’t hovering the way they usually are. When he’s grumpy Max is always threatening to fire them all. Maybe he finally did it. Or maybe he got tired of being surrounded by people who are only there because he’s paying them to be.
That’s a lonely way to live.
The past few weeks, isolated from Gabe and our little family, have really given me new perspective on Max’s life. It must have been really hard for him to break away from everything he ever knew and strike out on his own.
He sits on the couch in the living area and props his cane next to him. Then looks at me with curiosity. I’m the one who asked for this meeting which is a departure from the usual. He went so far as bribing us to meet with him weekly. So I’m sure he’s curious why I’ve brought him here now that he’s released us from our obligation.
“I’m sure you’re wondering why I asked to see you.”
He smiles faintly. “I’m lucky any of you are still speaking to me at all. After everything that’s happened, I figured we’d reached the end of our road together.”
“I’m still upset about what happened to Gabe. And your part in it. But I’ve gotten a few reminders lately that life is short and nothing is guaranteed. You’re my father, the only one I’m going to get and there are a few things I want to say to you.”
“I’m listening,” he says quietly.
I clear my throat, more nervous than I expected to be.
“First, I’m not even mad at you for leaving our moms. I understand why you did it but I am pissed that you didn’t send money. There were a lot of years when we could have really used it.”
He listens quietly, not interrupting or defending himself.
“And it sucked that people made fun of us for not having a father but it was worse that you never made any contact at all. Even if you’d been absent, it would have been nice to know something about you other than your name. Tank and Finn had those early years with you but the rest of got nothing, not even some half-assed Christmas cards.”
His eyes close briefly but he still doesn’t interrupt. I appreciate that he’s letting me get this all off my chest.
“I’m in love with the most amazing woman and she’s made me think about a lot of things I take for granted. I’m not sure what any of this means for our relationship in the future but I didn’t want to leave anything unsaid. Just in case.”
My rambling explanation must make some sense to him because he says, “I’m always happy to see any of my children, Zack. For any reason. Even if it’s to accept the many ways I’ve failed.”
That seems a little harsh. Even though I’m mad at him, he has at least tried to make amends. That’s a lot more than most men in his position would do.
“You did a few things right. My mom said something that made a lot of sense last week. She said that you left your most priceless possessions behind with them. I wouldn’t trade my family for anything so maybe everything worked out the way it was supposed to.”
I stand then, not sure I can do meaningless small talk after such a heavy conversation. “I’m going to go. Sorry I made you come all this way just so I could accuse you of a bunch of stuff.”
He leans on his cane heavily as we walk back to the front door.
“I’m glad you came for whatever reason, Zack. It means I can tell you this in person. I’ve decided to start distributing my estate early. I’ve worked hard and I want to make life easier for my sons sooner rather than later. I was wrong to attach strings to the money, I see that now. You can’t hold people to you with iron bars. Not if you expect them to stay.”
I’m shocked at how sad his words make me. You would think I’d be happy that he’s going to give us the money outright, no strings attached.
No matter how I feel about him, Max’s money has given me the security I need and provided an entree into Josie’s world. I don’t care about the money but I do care about her. It makes it easier f
or me to take care of her and smooths the way in the world she comes from.
She’d leave all that behind for me, I have no doubt, but thanks to Max’s money she won’t have to. For that I’ll always be grateful.
“Can I hug you, maybe?”
I feel like a pussy for even asking but when he holds out his arms, I go to him instantly, careful not to squeeze too tight. I can still feel the sharp jut of his bones beneath his skin and when I pull back, my eyes are damp and so are his.
Somehow I know this is the last time I’ll ever hug my father. And even if he’s not saying it outright, it feels like this is one of the last times I’ll ever see him.
It feels like I’m saying goodbye.
†
Over the next month, Josie and I settle into a routine. She’s finished editing all the photos she’s taken of me and her next gallery show is scheduled. I haven’t seen any of the pictures yet due to artistic integrity but Josie has assured me that it won’t be too mortifying for my moms to come. That makes me feel better because that was a huge blind spot in my plan to pose for her. I was totally cool with my junk being out there for strangers to view.
My moms, not so much.
On the night of her show, she rides with me over to Gabe’s house. It’s the first time I’ve seen her all day since she’s been busy with last minute prep and I was off preparing her surprise.
I can’t wait to show her later.
We’re all meeting at Gabe’s house beforehand to toast Josie’s success in private since she’ll be busy mingling and talking to the buyers at the show. As soon as we walk in, Debbie and Paula start banging their spoons against their champagne glasses.
“They’re here! Congratulations Josie!”
My mom is wearing a black dress and black heels that make her look way younger and Debbie has gone for a green dress with shiny sequins around the neck. When she sees us, Sasha starts pouring the champagne.
“I see you guys started without us.”
They swat at me playfully before kissing Josie and praising her dress. She’s in a fitted white sheath that makes her dark hair and ruby lips the standout. Beautiful as she always is to me, she’s even more so when she’s happy.
“You both look wonderful. I’m so glad you’re coming. These things are always a little crazy and it’s nice to have familiar faces in the crowd.”
“We’re always happy to support you, honey. So, what is this show about? More like last time? Some of those couples shots were pretty hot.” Paula fans her face, making us all laugh.
Josie blushes and glances over at me. We haven’t told them that I’m the model for her show yet and I’m not really looking forward to when they find out. Even when tastefully done, nudes are nudes. It’s still pretty embarrassing.
Gabe enters the room just in time to hear Paula’s question. “Yes, what is your show about Jo?” He raises his eyebrows innocently. Next to him, Sasha almost chokes on her drink.
Josie glares at him. “I did something a little different this time. I’m telling a story with pictures. I hope it does well.”
“It’s going to be great,” I tell her.
She leans into my side and smiles gratefully. I’m so proud to support her and stand by her side. Loving her is the greatest privilege of my life and I’m honored to tell her that every day. She should never have even a moment of doubt where her talent is concerned, but when she needs a reminder, I’m here for that, too.
I’ve even made an effort to reach out to her family, inviting them to dinner at Izzie’s one night. They didn’t come but I’m not going to give up. It’s not fun to hold my tongue around her parents but I’ll do it for her. I can play nice to make her happy. Everyone has to make compromises.
Gabe is always telling me that’s just part of life. We have some long-time customers that are total douchebags but we appreciate their business so I can’t always say what I think around them. Is it really any different for me to hold my tongue, put on a monkey suit and pretend I don’t know that Jo’s mother hates me?
Josie doesn’t know this yet but I invited them to her show tonight. Mr. and Mrs. Harlow probably aren’t ever going to be my biggest fans but they seem to have accepted that I’m here to stay.
That’s all I can ask for.
After sharing a toast, Debbie and Paula leave for the show. Josie hands me her champagne glass.
“I just need to double check that I remembered to put my business cards in the car. I’ll only be a second.”
I wander over to the mirror on the living room wall and fiddle with my tie. I’m not used to wearing them and I always tie them too tightly. It feels like I’m strangling to death.
“Here, let me fix it. You always do it wrong.” Gabe knocks my hand away and then does something that allows me to breathe a little easier.
He doesn’t look at me as he’s fixing the knot and I try not to stare at him. But it’s hard not to when he’s this close. Things have been better with us lately but I still feel the void in my life where he used to be. I have other friends, sure. Reed has been great, taking me out for a beer after work a few times. But nothing can fill the hole where my brother should be.
“First a tuxedo and now this? You really must be serious about her,” he comments finally.
“I am. I’ve never been more serious about anything in my life.”
He finally looks at me then. “I really am sorry about everything. I know I went off the deep end a little with the way I reacted. I want to explain it to you but I’m pretty sure I’m going to fuck it up.”
“Even if you do, I’ll listen anyway.”
He claps a hand on my shoulder. “You always give me the benefit of the doubt. Even when I was completely off the rails, you were always there to drag me back.”
“I tried to be. You’re my brother. We’re in this thing until the end.”
He smiles at that then blows out a deep breath. I can tell he’s gathering his thoughts so I don’t interrupt. Gabe is usually the smooth one, the one who always knows what to say. If he’s not sure where to begin that speaks volumes.
Finally he puts his hands on his hips and looks over at me. “Do you remember that night when we found her? What am I saying, of course you remember. Anyway, that night … I swear I could have killed those guys. She looked like she was about twelve and she was so scared. But she took one look at me and assumed that I was there to help her. Everyone else usually assumed that we were up to no good. And we usually were.”
I can’t help laughing at that. With hindsight, I can understand why a lot of the adults in our community were hesitant about us. We were a couple of badasses, especially during our teen years.
“Josie was the one thing that I could get right. I could protect her, keep her safe and somehow it made me feel like I was atoning for all the wrong I’ve done. I’ve hurt a lot of people but with her…” He glances over at me then shrugs. “With her I had a chance to start over. It was the first time that I’d had someone assume the best. She made me want to live up to that.”
“I get it. I feel that way about her, too. But with her, it’s not just that she makes me want to be better but I actually am better. I would have never thought I was capable of loving like this.”
Gabe grins. “That’s how I feel about Sasha. It’s a powerful thing. Welcome to the ball and chain club.”
We laugh together.
“Don’t let Sasha hear you say that.”
“Naw, I’m not scared of her.” He glances behind him at the open door. “Much.”
Things are back to the way they should be. It feels good to have my brother in my corner again. The tension between us was bothering me more than I wanted to admit. We’ve always been a unit, Gabe and I. Even though things are changing now I never want to lose the bond we have.
“It’s a good thing that you finally invested in a tux, bro. You’ll need it soon anyway,” he says.
“Why is that?”
“I need a best man at my wedding.”
/>
I hit his shoulder. “I’ve got your back. Always.”
chapter fourteen
†
JOSIE
Zack was quiet on our ride to the gallery which makes me think that he’s just as nervous as I am. Taking photographs of him is something I’ve been doing for years so I’m confident the shots on display are exceptional. Few people have more knowledge of how to shoot Zack Marshall to best advantage than I do. But the story told by my pictures is one that’s not only erotic but wistful and hopeful, too. As well as intensely private.
Once everyone sees what I’ve done with the show, all my feelings for him will be out there exposed to the world. I can only hope I made the right decision.
Because after this exhibit, Zack won’t be the only one laid bare.
When we arrive, Zack kisses me and wishes me luck. I take a moment to collect myself and then walk to Mr. Hartwell’s office. He asked me to come here before the show. I’ll wait in here while the guests arrive and he greets everyone. Then he’ll introduce me. This is entirely different from last time when I was just one artist among many on display. This time it’s just me.
The whole thing makes me feel like they think I’m a way bigger deal than I actually am.
After only five minutes, my stomach is a mass of knots. My mouth feels like sandpaper and I’m on the verge of dry heaving. Not being able to swallow properly only makes the nausea worse. I’m on the verge of running out of there when the door opens. Gabe enters and hands me a bottled water.
“For your stomach.”
I open the bottle and gulp it down gratefully. Then I narrow my eyes at him. “I hate that you know me so well.”
He leans against the desk and looks around the office curiously. “This is a big deal, Josie. I’m proud of you.”
I slam the water bottle down on the desk next to him. “If you’re proud of me then why couldn’t you believe that I’m smart enough to pick the person I want to spend my life with?”