Like Breathing

by Tia Fielding

  Dev cuddled against him, and Leaf took his hand. Weasley toddled from behind his head to Dev’s shoulder and tried to bat his ridiculously long eyelashes with his tiny, ginger paw.

  They all chuckled at the cat, enjoying the moment of levity, and then, naturally, Seth’s phone rang.

  He took a deep breath, got to his feet, and grabbed his phone from the coffee table. Then he went to the study and closed the door behind himself. “Professor Mills,” Seth answered.

  “Seth,” she said simply, and he knew he wasn’t in the worst possible trouble because she was using his first name. “I was hoping to catch you here, but it looks like you went home?”

  “Yes, I was having a panic attack, and my partners decided to take me home,” Seth explained, and she hummed thoughtfully.

  “One of these partners is Angel Rice’s brother, I gather.” Her tone turned into something he couldn’t read, and he silently grimaced.

  “Yes, that’s correct. Devin is Angel’s adopted brother.”

  “And Angel saw you and your partners in a… compromising position today?”

  “Yes. I’m taking full responsibility of that.”

  “Good.” She sighed. “Look, this is a messed-up situation, Seth. Yes, what you did was wrong and unacceptable, but I can honestly say you’re not the only member of the faculty who has done something similar. They just haven’t gotten caught. Hell, you have heard the rumors about Professor Fredericks and one of her TAs, I’m sure.”

  Professor Fredericks had gotten caught with a male TA between her thighs a few years back. By her boss at the mathematics department.

  “Right.”

  “First of all, nothing actually says you can’t date someone related to your students. Even someone you’re mentoring. That’s not how this works, which is why it’s pretty damn annoying this is happening at all. Angel Rice shouldn’t have anything to complain about, but his personal problems about your relationship with his brother seem to be clouding his judgment.”

  “What did he say exactly? I mean, what does he want to happen?” Seth gnawed on his lower lip.

  Professor Mills snorted. “As he put it, he is ‘leaving it to me.’ He just ‘doesn’t want to have this all affect his studies.’” Seth could hear the quotation marks in the words.

  “There’s something you should probably know, first,” Seth said, realizing he should’ve probably done this days ago. Hell, weeks or even months ago.

  “Oh?”

  “I’ve been thinking about taking a sabbatical for a year. And….” He hesitated, sighed, and then decided to go with the gut instinct that sounded a lot like the truth. “I think that if I wasn’t burned out on some level, what happened today wouldn’t have happened at all.”

  “You’ve always been big on rules,” she stated, and Seth huffed. “I understand what you mean, though. I have thought about suggesting a sabbatical for a while now. You’ve worked so hard, and I understand that before, with your partner being away long stretches of time, it has worked for you. But maybe it’s time to take some time for yourself? To just enjoy the situation where you’re at right now. I mean, it does sound like you have your hands full,” she said, and he could hear the suggestive humor in her voice.

  Seth burst out laughing. “Oh God, do I ever.”

  “Look, I’ll help Angel with finding a new mentor, and I can even handle your TA. If you want to, you can email me everything I’ll need to give to a substitute teacher while I’m looking for someone more permanent. Otherwise, I’d have you work until the end of the month, and that’s only a week and a half away. Whichever works for you the best.”

  “Would I still have a job if I decide to come back next fall?”

  “Absolutely. You’re well liked, even loved here, Seth. It’s not easy for the students to lose you this suddenly, but this is about you, not them. Sometimes, as the head of the department, I have to make decisions that benefit my faculty, and I frankly don’t think any disciplinary actions are needed in this case. If you take the sabbatical, Angel will cool down, and you’ll get the R & R you sorely need.”

  For a while Seth was quiet. It was exactly what he needed. He just hadn’t known how to take it for himself.

  “I’ll come in until the end of the month. Give them some warning. Wrap up what I can.”

  “Good. I knew you’d say that.” Professor Mills sounded like she was smiling. “I’ll see you on Monday.”

  SETH SAT in Dev’s chair for a while and looked at his stuff strewn around Seth’s desk, planning his course of action, and then got up and went to his guys.

  “What did she say?” Leaf asked, obviously trying to read Seth’s expression.

  “Well, there won’t be any disciplinary actions. She thinks that it’s just bad luck and that Angel is being a pain in the ass.” Dev snorted. “But I still chose to remove myself from the situation.”

  “You… what?” Dev blinked, looking confused.

  Now Leaf got a worried look on his face, and Seth went to sit on the couch with them.

  “So, as you guys know, I really work a lot. Like… a lot. Less when Leaf’s at home, but still.”

  “Uh-huh,” Leaf murmured.

  “I’ve been thinking for a while, more or less consciously, that I want to take some time off.”

  Leaf looked between worried and delighted. “You have?”

  “Yes. And I told the boss lady so, and she said she’s been meaning to ask me about a sabbatical. So I’m going to take one. I have until the end of the month to finish what I’m in the middle of as well as I can, and then it’s all done. I’ll be on a leave until next fall, when classes pick up again.”

  “That’s almost a year, Seth,” Dev said, looking dumbfounded.

  “Yes, it is. I need it, so badly.” Seth finally let himself deflate, relaxed into the couch, and Leaf gathered him close.

  “But you’re Angel’s mentor. He won’t like it,” Dev said thoughtfully.

  “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn,” Seth deadpanned.

  Leaf and Dev both snorted a laugh, and then they all chuckled and were soon laughing, as they released the afternoon’s stress.

  Chapter Fifteen

  LEAF HUMMED to another playlist Dev had made him for the drive to Denver and back. This one had a lot of female singers on it for some reason, and a few of the songs took him back in time, but in a good way.

  He was head-bopping to P!nk when his cell rang in the holder attached to the dash. Dev’s name popped up and he muted the music, then swiped to answer the call. “Hey, sweetheart,” he said in greeting.

  “You almost home?” Dev asked, his grin audible in his voice.

  “Yeah, fifteen minutes or so. Managed to beat the traffic.”

  “Good. Hey, my mom called. She’s invited us all to Anaheim next week. It’s their thirtieth anniversary, and they’re throwing this massive party at the house.”

  “Must be a big house…,” Leaf teased, smiling as he drove steadily along the highway.

  Dev snorted. “It is. But it’s the yard that counts. They’ll have tents and heaters and shit. It’s always awesome. They do this every five years.”

  “Did you RSVP us?”

  “Not yet. Wanted to know if you would actually come. Seth already said yes, barring we can’t get someone to watch the kids.”

  “Well, I don’t see why I wouldn’t be going. I mean, I don’t have work lined up until the week after that, I think. We just need someone for the kiddos.”

  “Yeah. Seth asked his former TA, Antoinette, and she’s taking a look at her schedule. It’s only two nights there, so it’s not for long.”

  “Oh, Antoinette’s good. The dogs like her and behave for her.”

  “Yeah, Seth said she’s watched them before,” Dev said, and then Leaf could hear Seth murmur something in the background.

  “I’ll be home soon. We’ll talk then, okay?” Leaf smiled at the thought of going home to his guys.

  “Okay, see you in a bit. Drive
safely.”

  “Will do.”

  Leaf turned the music back on and tried to suppress the yawn that did its best to escape him. He hadn’t been sleeping that well, and had mostly managed to hide it from his lovers. The therapy had done a few things, and not all of them positive. Although the doc kept telling him the nightmares would eventually go away, it was like hell having them almost every night.

  The worst bit was that he didn’t know which of them were actual memories and which were things his imagination had conjured up. Part of him wanted to know for sure, but a bigger part didn’t want to believe that someone could’ve done such things to a child. He didn’t need the images in his head, knowing that his sister and all the other children on several communes around the world they’d lived in had gone through these things.

  To distract himself, Leaf hummed along with Joni Mitchell and felt much better by the time he parked the SUV in the driveway at home.

  NOW THAT Seth wasn’t working, and Dev was able to make his own hours, Leaf had wondered about his own job.

  He hadn’t taken any new jobs outside the state since Dev had become a part of them, and it had been… good. He hadn’t gotten restless like he would’ve in the past. He had something to be at home for, and while he didn’t think it was just Dev being there too, it was… different now.

  He had wanted to be home more with just Seth there, of course. But Seth had worked a lot, and eventually Leaf had become bored and the itch to go on the road again had become too hard to ignore. During daytime, before Seth had taken his sabbatical, Leaf had felt better about being at home. The house was big, and it had seemed empty before. Now, it was filled with life, with Dev and Weasley there to make their lives fuller.

  Even when Dev was in his zombie-mode, working away for hours on end, it had been less lonely for Leaf. He’d worked on his own computer, sometimes even on the other side of the house, but still the house felt alive.

  Leaf didn’t like the idea of going away, but like he’d told Dev, he had one trip he needed to take. Leaf supposed it would show them all how it might work if he ever went back to working all over the country. He didn’t need the money. He made enough with the shorter, inside-the-state trips and by consulting online. He could do that for the rest of his life pretty comfortably. He just liked the hands-on approach more.

  He didn’t tell his musings to Dev and Seth, though. They had their own things to worry about and already had noticed his nightmares couple of times. He didn’t need to worry them any more.

  ON THAT Thursday night, after yet another therapy session, Leaf felt off. They’d delved deeper into the guilt he had for not being able to help the other kids in the cult when he’d started to understand what was going on wasn’t “family love” but instead something evil.

  At one point, they’d Skype-called Rainbow and talked with her about it. The doc had obviously liked Rain and her quirky sense of humor, even in the face of something like this. Together, the women had tried to make Leaf see sense, as Rainbow had called it. He’d been a kid himself, not anywhere near the oldest or old enough to do anything about what was going on inside the cult.

  It didn’t help, though. But then, Leaf thought maybe time would be the only healer.

  That night, when they’d all gone to bed and made love together—the second time there’d been penetrative sex between the three of them, this time with Dev bottoming for them both—Leaf couldn’t shake the hollow feeling inside.

  He asked to sleep in between Dev and Seth, just to feel safe from both sides, but it didn’t help. In the night, the horrors started their replay in his inner projector.

  “Leaf, it’s okay. You’re safe.”

  “Babe, nothing is going to get you when we’re here.”

  “You can wake up now. It’s just a dream.”

  “Listen to Seth, love. It’s going to be fine. Just open your eyes for us.”

  He suddenly woke, gasping for breath, as he sat up, looking around the dark room wildly, not knowing where or how old he was for a moment or two.

  “There we go,” a familiar, warm voice said.

  “Is it okay if we touch you, Leaf?” another one asked.

  And just like that, Leaf was back in his mind and his body, and nodded rapidly. He needed those touches more than air right then.

  “Hey, come here,” Seth murmured, tugging at his arm until he lay back down and put his head on Seth’s chest.

  Behind him, Dev readjusted his position and curled around Leaf protectively.

  “We love you,” Dev said and pressed a kiss on Leaf’s shoulder.

  “Yeah, we’re here for you, honey.” Seth kissed his hair.

  The soft sound of paws came from the floor, and suddenly Husky jumped on the bed, then curled up at Leaf’s feet. The dog sighed deeply and went to sleep.

  “We need to start working on our issues. These guys need some time off,” Dev said dryly.

  “Even the cat is tuned into emotions now,” Leaf said.

  “Jesus…,” Seth murmured, and they all chuckled.

  It was easy to fall asleep after that.

  THE NEXT morning they were all feeling surprisingly refreshed, so once they’d had breakfast and walked the dogs, Leaf gathered Seth and Dev to the living room and sat them down on the couch.

  “What’s up?” Dev asked, looking worried.

  Seth wasn’t far behind, his expressive gray eyes betraying every emotion, as always.

  “It’s nothing bad. I’ve just been thinking. We should probably have a relationship talk, don’t you think?” Leaf pulled the only armchair in the room closer to the couch so he could see the others and they could all look at one another easily.

  “Yeah, I’ve been thinking about it too,” Dev said, nodding, and Seth seemed to be on the same page as well.

  “Okay, so. We have pretty much been living together since Dev came to watch the dogs, and that was over a month ago, right?”

  Seth nodded.

  “I know things are strained between you and Angel, but do you think you’d go live there again, even if you patch things up with him?” Leaf looked at Dev but Seth threw an exasperated eye roll his way. “What?”

  “Aren’t you being a bit direct?”

  “He is, but he has a point. And I’m used to him by now, so that’s fine.” Dev grinned. “I’ve sort of been waiting for you two to figure out what you want to do here.”

  “So if we gave you a key and helped you with your stuff, you’d move in?” Seth asked, looking hopeful in a distinctly puppy-doggish way.

  “Yeah, of course. I already live here, more or less. I don’t know what Angel would do with the house, if he’d get a roommate or something, but I don’t care. If I tell my dad I want to move here, then he’ll figure the house situation out with Angel. It’s Dad’s house—we just live in it.”

  Both Leaf and Seth looked at Dev, knowing it wouldn’t be that easy. Dev had to be going through some pretty heavy things with his brother, but if this was what he chose, they’d certainly welcome him with open arms.

  “Great! Now I can tell you about my idea,” Seth said cheerily. “I’ve been thinking about doing some writing while I’m on this sabbatical, but that means that I need my desk back.” Before Dev could say anything, Seth held up a hand. “I think, with how there’s only room for two desks downstairs, we should make one of the empty rooms upstairs into Dev’s office.”

  “Why his?” Leaf asked, genuinely interested in the answer.

  “Because I work at random hours sometimes,” Dev said, his eyes bright. “If I work upstairs, you can still come visit me there. I can work during the night while you sleep and be upstairs, but also, you two always work days. Why should one of you be confined upstairs?”

  It did make sense, Leaf had to admit it.

  “Exactly. I thought about whether it would work best for Leaf, but then he’d sink into his emailing and we’d never see him.” Seth smiled at him.

  Yeah, that was true as well. Leaf did have a
habit of get a bit lost in his work, writing up advice and answering lengthy emails if he had the chance. He didn’t work a lot, but when he did, he was pretty much blind and deaf to anything else.

  “When do I move?” Dev asked, looking at them with a huge grin on his boyishly handsome face.

  “Whenever you’ve packed, I suppose.” Seth smiled back at him.

  “Can I make a suggestion?” Leaf looked at them both, wondering when he became the voice of reason. “What about going to your parents’ anniversary party and moving after? You might want to tell them you’re moving in with us officially after they’ve met us.”

  Dev mused at this, but Seth beat him to it. “Yeah, actually, that’s a good idea. They might be okay with the idea of us for now, but I think we should meet them first too.”

  “I guess this—moving in together with you two—is as official as we can make this, whatever it is,” Dev said, smiling wistfully. “So I agree with you. Let’s go meet the ’rents and I’ll move after.”

  Leaf glanced at Seth, who seemed to catch what he thought as well.

  “Hey, sweetheart,” Leaf said, going to crouch by Dev’s feet by the couch. “You’re family now. Hell, you gave us another kid.”

  Dev snorted but still avoided Leaf’s gaze.

  “I was thinking that we should all get rings. I mean, we haven’t worn rings before, but maybe it’s time?” Seth said quietly.

  They couldn’t get married, all three of them, and somehow Leaf felt good about not having married Seth before, only because if he had, Dev would seem even more like an outsider.

  “This is about the three of us now. You complete us, Dev,” Leaf said, reaching to cup Dev’s cheek. “So what kind of a ring do you want?”

  IN THE end, they all decided that they’d figure out surprise rings. Dev and Seth for Leaf, Seth and Leaf for Dev, and Leaf and Dev for Seth.

  Or that had been the plan, right until they found an Etsy shop that did gorgeous titanium rings with wood inlays in the shape of puzzle pieces.