by Vivian Arend
There had been an awful lot of macaroni and cheese cooked in that house as Janey had watched the family from the outside looking in.
“Our family changed, but my dad—” Len paused before forcing himself onward. “He’d always been this strong rock I looked up to, and all of a sudden he wasn’t only movable, he was falling apart. I came into the room one time to find him sitting there, staring as she slept. Crying his eyes out. I’d never seen him like that before.
“And he started in on how he couldn’t lose her. Cursing fate, and wanting so much to change things, but there was nothing he could do.”
Janey’s throat had gone tight. She squeezed his fingers encouragingly. “You don’t have to tell me more.”
“I do,” Len insisted. “Because it all started back then. Couple days later when I was in the room with her alone, she caught me by the hand. She told me, ‘It’s easier on my side. At some point my pain will be gone, but you’re all going to have to deal with it. I’m sorry for that.’ I tried to tell her that was crazy, but she looked me in the eye and said that when it was time to go, she didn’t want anybody to use heroic measures to save her. ‘I’m afraid your father can’t say goodbye, but he’s got to. It’s the only way.’ And it was only a few days later when—”
She couldn’t bear it any longer. Janey wrapped her arms around him, offering him strength so he could finish.
“You remember all this?” she asked.
He nodded, his face tight as he controlled his emotions. “Like it was yesterday.”
He slipped his arms around her as well, the familiar grip of his embrace soothing the aching hole in her heart. She waited, not wanting to push him, not wanting him to stop before he’d gotten it all out.
His chin rested on her shoulder and he spoke softly toward her ear. “I was in the room when it happened. She kind of looked at me and smiled. A sad sort of smile, but then the tension went out of her face like the pain was gone, and that’s when she died.”
Janey stroked his back gently.
“I didn’t do anything. I could’ve called for help. I could’ve hit the button for the nurses. But I didn’t because she’d asked me not to. There was no way my dad could have done it—let her go—so I did it for them.”
Pain wrapped around Janey’s heart like a wire of spikes. Pain for the fifteen-year-old who’d been alone with a choice that wasn’t one he should have had to make. A choice that another person with a different heart could have handled easier.
How much it must’ve hurt Len to make that decision. It explained a lot about how he was, and why he held back.
She pulled away far enough to cup his face in her hands. “You didn’t do anything wrong. You were showing love the best way you could.”
He nodded. “It still changed my world. I think what I did was right, but it still changed me. Heck, for a while I wondered if I would get arrested for not calling anyone.”
“Oh, Len.”
“I know now that was a stupid thing to be worried about, but I was just fifteen, and Dad was struggling to keep it together, and there was so much going on at home between all of us kids dealing with Mom not being there, that I let my fears in.”
Explained the whole lot. Janey shook her head. “I’m surprised you’re not more messed up.”
He gave a wry smile. “Messed me up plenty. That was part of the reason why I never got involved with anyone. At first it was I couldn’t bear the thought of getting close to anyone when I might get thrown in jail at any time. I couldn’t do that to a girlfriend. And then when I knew that it wasn’t a case of going to prison, I couldn’t let myself risk getting close.” He took a deep breath. “Especially not to you, even though I really wanted to.”
Janey rested her head on his chest, and they both sat and watched the fire for a few minutes. Dealing with all of the new thoughts swirling in her brain as she put together what he had shared with what she knew of him over the years.
Out of everything she wanted to know, it now came down to a final two questions she was pretty clear in asking.
She ran her fingers over his arm he was using to cradle her against his chest. “Why did we start going out? Back at the start of summer when you cared for me that night? What changed?”
His chest moved under her as he took a deep breath. “You told me you were going away. Up until then, I thought you’d be sticking around Rocky Mountain House, and I didn’t want to get involved with you because I knew…”
His voice faded, but she didn’t push for him to finish the sentence. “So that’s why you bought my house. Because you thought it would get me out of town sooner.”
Len twisted her until she was looking up into his face. He tucked his fingers under her chin, his gaze taking in every part of her face as he examined her eyes, her lips. “I wanted you out of town before I started believing that being with you would be worth the pain of someday losing you. I wanted you to move on with your life before I lost my courage and confessed I’d fallen in love with you.”
My God. Her heart skipped into her throat even as that tiny flicker of hope burned hotter. “You…love me?”
He nodded. “I know that might be hard to believe, and I’ve done some stupid things that sure don’t make it look like that’s what I feel. But it’s true. It’s always been true.”
She couldn’t get any words past the lump in her throat. Just sat and stared into his eyes, reading the truth there as he caught his hand over top of hers against his cheek.
She wanted to tell him everything would be all right. Wanted to wipe away all of the pain he’d carried over the years, and drag him forward with her into a happier future.
Now she was the one who was scared. “Oh, Len. I want—”
He slid his fingers over her lips to stop her from continuing. “I’m not a big talker. You’re right. Some of that is me, and some of it is too many years of holding everything inside. You told me you deserved more, and you’re right. I don’t want to rush you into anything. I want you to have some time to think, and I have something to show you.”
As much as she wanted to do exactly that—rush forward—he was right about needing some time. “I’m so glad you told me,” she said.
“I should’ve told you earlier.”
Janey shook her head. “No more apologies.”
He looked down at her lips, and for a moment she was positive he was going to lean forward and kiss her. Instead he straightened, helping her to her feet.
The cool air around them was shocking after the warmth of his body had finally begun to melt the ice around her heart.
He held out his hand, and she slipped her fingers into his. The fire in the metal-sided pit before them had faded to nothing, the small amount of kindling burned down to ashes. Len led her toward the path and they walked slowly along the riverside, this time the silence around them not a barrier, but a place of reflection. Time of healing as he continued to hold her fingers, guiding her along the rough bank, keeping her safe.
It was hard to hold on to the hurt he’d caused when he’d finally laid himself bare and required nothing in return.
They didn’t talk much. Not even when he helped her into the truck, and she curled up at his side while he drove them back into town. When he took her to the house instead of her apartment, she still didn’t ask him anything.
It was up to him to explain, and now that he seemed to be trying to share, she wouldn’t push him to go any faster.
His fingers were tight on the steering wheel after he put the truck into park. “I have something for you.”
“Another pink notebook?” Janey teased softly.
A slow smile formed on his lips. “Did you like that?”
She nodded. “Made me cry, looking at all those things you could remember about me. I never knew you were watching that hard, but I should’ve. You’re always watching, aren’t you?”
“Watching you, yeah.” He reached under the seat and pulled out an old-fashioned photo album, the type with sti
cky pages. He stared at it for a moment before handing it to her.
“What’s this?”
He hesitated. “You’ll see. I want you to read it on your own. I’ll be inside.”
Len escaped before she could ask for clarification, striding across the lawn, his long legs eating up the distance as he disappeared around the corner of the house, headed for the back door.
Janey examined the cover carefully, but there was no clue of the contents from the generic golden leaf pattern on the hard cover.
She opened to the first page. “Oh, Len, what have you got happening here?”
Under the first sheet of plastic was a sheet of loose-leaf, like the kind torn from one of the notebooks they used everywhere in the Thompson garage. She stared at it for a minute before figuring out she was looking at her own handwriting from back when she was a teen and had first gotten a crush on Len.
The entire page was covered with her signature, only instead of Janey Watson, she’d signed it Janey Thompson over and over, the lines of script surrounded by dozens of tiny hearts and butterflies.
A flush rose to her cheeks at the thought of Len finding this, followed hard by a rising sense of incredulous wonder when she realized he’d not only found it, he’d kept it all these years.
She traced her fingers over the lines, the pounding in her heart slowly calming, although her smile grew broader.
She carefully turned the page, eager to see what else he’d given her. The second page made her pause until she realized it was an old timetable from the bus schedule. A couple summers after Mrs. Thompson had died, her and Katy had gone away to summer camp, and when they came back, Len had been the one to pick them up.
Just like the little pink notebook, the pages were filled with memories they’d shared long before they’d become intimate. She drew her fingers down the page where he’d tucked a set of tickets from the last May fair. The day Katy and Gage had tricked Len into taking her on some of the fair rides.
Nothing had happened between them, except—something had. She’d felt a zing of excitement beyond normal. A kind of anticipation and hopefulness as they’d laughed together easily, and she’d caught him smiling at her with real emotion.
She turned the pages one after another until she hit about two-thirds of the way through. For the first time the page was blank except for a note in the middle.
There’s room for more memories.
She’d been sitting still in the truck for the past however long it had taken to go through the book, but her heart was pounding as if she’d just finished sprinting.
They had the past. They could have a future.
It all came down to what happened in the next moments, and days.
One more brightly coloured sticky note jutted out a little further down in the book. Janey turned carefully to that page, shocked to find he’d slipped the deed to the house onto the page.
There was a handwritten note attached as well.
I’m not good with talking.
I wrote that down, then looked at the list of all the people I talked to while figuring out how to get you to fall in love with me again, and I realized I can do anything I need to get you back.
Mitch told me not to be stupid and do anything outrageous without checking with you first—he said that was important, and that Anna had taught him that lesson.
Gage told me no matter how long it takes for you to forgive me, or how long I have to chase you for, it’ll be worth it. And he said he’s got proof of that in Katy and Tanner.
And my dad told me no matter how much it hurts to lose someone you love, it’s worth every bit of pain because of the good times and the memories you make.
Katy said you wanted to stay in Rocky Mountain House to be a part of her life and her kid’s life. She also said if I hurt you, she would personally skin me.
Clay had something to say. Troy did. Heck, everyone in town has been telling me shit over the past couple weeks.
But none of that matters nearly as much as what you have to say.
So if you need more time, take the truck home and let me know when you’re ready to talk. But if you know what you want to say, the door’s open.
I’ll be waiting. However long it takes.
Janey looked toward the house she’d grown up in. A faint yellow glow shone from the living room windows, but the rest of the house remained dark. Like when they’d come home from a holiday, tired and yet happy, returning to a familiar place where they would unpack everything that had happened before moving on.
Inside the familiar walls Len was waiting. Could she take the chance and move forward?
The weight of the photo album lay heavy in her lap, and she realized he had been doing one thing she needed. He’d valued her, far more than he’d ever admitted.
And now that he was willing to share what he was feeling—
How could she not take the chance?
Chapter Sixteen
He’d let himself into the house, striding forward to the picture window in the living room to stare at the truck and wonder what was going through Janey’s mind.
He’d done what he could. He was scared shitless right now at having handed over proof of how long he’d been obsessed with her.
He hoped it would be enough.
There in the darkness, he closed his eyes and prayed for strength. Prayed for courage. And then he did the bravest thing he’d done in a long time. He turned away from the window and went back into the kitchen and pulled out a box of matches.
The house looked totally different than it had a few days earlier. When he realized exactly what it would take to get Janey back, he’d asked for help.
Walking the fine line between making a good impression and pushing too hard—he’d spent his life hiding on the sidelines so making some grand gesture seemed far too blatant. But Katy had assured him this was right up Janey’s alley before swearing if he ever talked about it to her she would scream.
So he crossed his fingers and lit the candles that were scattered around the house. Some in the kitchen, more in the living room. The light bounced off the walls and warmed the darkness as the yellow glow radiated hope.
He went down to the bedroom and lit the few he had on his dresser, looking around the nearly empty room and hoping Janey would come and fill it for him. Fill it like only she could fill his heart
He walked back to the living room and waited.
Sharing about his mom and his past had been hard, but not as hard as he thought. Maybe it was true that time heals all wounds. Or maybe it was that when the other choice—losing Janey now—was so devastatingly hard, long-ago trauma didn’t seem nearly so drastic anymore.
He was seated on the couch, staring down at his hands when a single floorboard creaked. He snapped his head up to discover Janey staring, her eyes filled with moisture, her arms wrapped around the photo album he’d been building for years.
She cleared her throat. “I did a damn good job on this floor, didn’t I? Got almost all of the squeaks before I laid the new hardwood.”
Her smartass comment dragged a smile to his lips. “I knew it was quality construction when I bought it.”
She laid the album down on the coffee table and held out her hand. “You need to take me on a tour.”
“I’d love to.” Len accepted her hand, and the two of them stood there in the middle of the living room grinning at each other like fools.
Thank God she put him out of his misery without dragging it out any longer.
“I want to be with you,” Janey said. “And I don’t expect you to change all your ways, because you being the big strong silent type totally does it for me.”
“I just can’t be silent about the important things, right?”
“Right.”
She tiptoed closer, wrapping her arms around him and laid her head on his chest.
It was like his heart had walked back into his body.
Len threaded his fingers into her hair and tilted her head back, leanin
g over to press their mouths together. Kissing her—it was supposed to be tender and soft, but once they connected he couldn’t stop. He had missed her so much, and her taste was like a drug roaring through his system.
She all but crawled up his body to cling tightly as he made his way down the hallway toward the bedroom. He tried to tell himself he wasn’t making any assumptions, and he really wasn’t. But getting his feet to go in the other direction would have been impossible.
He laid her out on the mattress and joined her, side-by-side as they kept kissing. Janey’s hands rolled over his body, untucking his shirt, short fingernails dragging up his sides.
She pushed him, and he rolled to his back, breaking for air as she stared down. The candles he’d lit reflected off of the picture on the wall, the warm glow showing the hope in her eyes.
With one knee on either side of his hips, she straddled him. Both hands pressed to his chest as she leaned over and dazzled him with her smile. “You know, I once thought of us as playing the game of tag. And right now, I think it’s finally safe to say I got you.”
“You’ve got me for as long as you want me, and even longer,” he assured her. “You’re never getting rid of me. Never.”
She nodded, even as she sat back and stripped away her top, the pale brown fabric of her bra covering her breasts but showing her nipples were already tight.
At least for the second she still wore it, because the material flew to join her shirt on the floor.
“God, you’re beautiful. Every single bit of you.”
Her smile turned a little smug. “You are pretty awesome yourself, and I’m the only one who gets to know exactly how awesome. I like that. I like that very much.”
He had to be the slowest of all bastards that he had to think hard before figuring out what she was talking about.
Admittedly, her breasts were distracting him. They were right there in front of him as she leaned forward. He took total advantage and licked the tip of one, sucking her nipple into his mouth as she peeled her pants off her hips.