by JA Low
“What?” She responds as if I haven’t just declared my deepest feelings for her.
“You don’t have anything to say?” I question, feeling annoyed by her reaction. She is silent for a moment then reaches out and pinches me. “Ouch,” I groan, rubbing my arm. What the hell did she do that for?
“Chris… no,” she finally answers and I can see that she is freaking out and I don’t blame her because if the roles were reversed I would probably be doing the same thing.
“V, look at me,” I command, trying to get her to concentrate on me in front of her not everything else that is going on in her head. “Ness, stop freaking out and look at me,” I demand again when she refuses to meet my eyes. “No one can compare to you, Ness.” I want her to understand exactly how serious I am about her. “I tried, I tired so much to get over you but you are so far under my skin.” I can see the panic on her face.
“But…we live together.”
Ugh that same old excuse I have heard through the years, I’m over it. “And yet that doesn’t stop you from crawling into my bed most nights,” I taunt, not meaning to get annoyed with her but I am.
“Don’t,” she whispers.
“Doesn’t stop you straddling my dick on the couch during a movie or…” Her soft, warm hand covers my mouth silencing me.
“I never hear you say no,” she bites back.
“Why the hell would I, Ness? You are fucking hot and I love you.” My hand lightly runs down her arm, trying to keep the connection between us going.
“But…you’re my best friend.” Another excuse she has made over the years.
“Don’t you think that’s a great foundation to start a relationship?” I look at her, daring her to disagree.
Shaking her head at me she replies, “Chris, you weren’t supposed to fall for me.”
“How could I not, Ness? You’re beautiful, sexy, you look after me, that accent of yours does things to my dick. I trust you and there aren’t many people I trust. You also swear like a biker, drink like a sailor and fuck like a pro.”
Pushing a hand on my chest, she takes a step back from me. I’m a little confused by her reaction.
“Wow, what a glowing reference.” She sounds angry. “Why the hell would you want to be with someone like that?”
“My family loves you, Ness, and you know it.”
She looks at me shaking her head. “It would ruin everything we have worked so hard to build, you can’t go and change the goal posts now.”
“What? Haven’t you liked being in my bed all of these months?”
“Fucking you is different to being with you.” She quickly covers her mouth when she realizes what she has said. I’m not going to lie, it fucking hurt. I feel my anger bubble to the surface.
“Okay, I get it. I’m good enough to fuck but not good enough to date. I will only ever be one of your many fuck toys you play with.” My heart is racing. “I never thought you were like that, Ness. I never thought you saw me like that.” I cross my arms defensively in front of me.
“Christian, you’re more than that to me and you know it,” she whispers.
“Really, are you sure about that, Ness?” I say sarcastically.
“I thought it was always going to be you and me, having fun, messing around. I never thought there would ever be…more.”
This woman makes me so angry, I don’t understand how she can possibly be saying all these things to me, I thought what we have together was something special. I get that she has had some fucked up relationships which has made her cautious about love, but this is me, I have been around her for so long, she should know by now that I am trustworthy enough, that I will never ever hurt her. I just don’t get it.
“You thought for the rest of our lives we would just fool around?” There is silence between us. She thought that we could just continue fooling around, no commitment. Like what? Until we are sixty or seventy, or until one of us is dead? “I’m sorry that I finally had the balls to say how I feel, Ness. What you and I have between us it’s once in a lifetime stuff. We are meant to be together and you know it.” I pull her to me so she can see how serious I am about her. “I want happily ever after with you and I’m sorry if that makes you feel uncomfortable. These feelings I have for you scare the absolute shit out of me but I am willing to give this a try.” I give her a smile hoping that will show her how much I mean it. “Someone needed to be honest with their feelings here. Five years we have been in and out of each other’s beds and yet we haven’t become sick of each other yet. That must mean something.”
Vanessa pulls herself out of my arms and my heart sinks.
“I’m sorry, Chris, but I can’t. I can’t love you like that. I don’t think I can love anyone like that.”
What? Does she not realize she already does love me that way every single day?
“Nothing, you feel nothing for me?” I ask, thumping my chest. I notice a single tear falling down her cheek. I know her heart is not made of stone.
“I can’t give you what you want, Christian. I’m sorry.”
Fuck, this woman makes me so mad. “You’re a fucking liar, Ness. Don’t forget I know you. I can tell when you’re lying to me, lying to my face. Have you forgotten what it feels like between us?” I need to show her, remind her, she is so fucking stubborn sometimes. I grab her face and pull her to me and let my lips do the talking, hoping she can’t deny the physical reaction she has to me. It’s working as she grabs my body and pulls it closer to her. How can she ignore what happens between us? Finally, I relax a little hoping that our kiss had enough power to change her mind. Resting my forehead against hers I whisper, “I felt exactly how much you love me in that kiss, Ness.”
“I can’t. Why is that so hard for you to understand? I have my job, we live together, our friendship. I’m sorry, I’m not risking all that for some fantasy life you think we can have together.”
I am physically stunned by her words.
“I’m not capable of loving you the way you want me to.”
My heart sinks deep down inside of me.
“I’m sorry, Chris, it’s not worth the risk.”
There it is, she just doesn’t love me as much as I love her. I can’t continue on like this, loving someone who will never love me back. I’ve wasted five years chasing after a dream that will never happen. I am so fucking stupid. “Okay, Ness, I hear you loud and clear. I’m not worth the risk. All I am to you is a convenient cock.” I am pissed, I am hurt and I am lashing out. I take a couple steps toward her before spitting out, “I would have made you happy, if only you had the balls to take a chance. Don’t worry, V, I won’t make that mistake again. Like I said, I hear you loud and clear.” And with that I turn on my heel and head back toward the party leaving the woman I love behind.
“Sorry, excuse me are you Christian Taylor?” A petite blonde catches my attention as I stomp my way through the gardens. She is one of the wait staff at the resort.
“Sure am, darlin’, and you, you are exactly what I have been looking for.”
One Month After the Wedding
“Things can’t possibly be that bad?” Derrick questions me as we drive to my home.
“Just you wait, I mean it, D. I don’t think I can live with him anymore.” Christian is refusing to have anything to do with me since he confessed his love and asked for a chance at a future together. I wanted to say yes, but I couldn’t, fear stopped me. It’s stupid to be so scared of being in a relationship, especially with him. But now, the way he is treating me, the way he has totally cut me out of his life is hurtful. This is the reason why I couldn’t chance it, because of this exact reason. Christian has been partying hard since the wedding, photos of him stumbling out of clubs with any number of women on his arms have been landing on my desk at work. And don’t even get me stated with the working situation, apparently we need a mediator because that is the only way we can communicate between each other. He refuses any one on one meetings I have requested to help clear the air.
Poor Isla is caught in the middle of us, the whole band are at a loss with why he is acting the way he is toward me. In the five years I have worked with them they have never seen him so cold toward me. Evan was the only one that knew something was up. He pulled me aside one day and asked me point-blank if I had said no to Christian. I was pretty shocked that he knew about us. He explained that he was the one that pushed Christian to declare his feelings for me and now he feels bad that he might have ruined us. Of course it wasn’t Evan’s fault, it was Christian’s wounded pride that had taken a beating. Yeah, I was kind of bitch to him, but I thought we could at least be civil until those hurt feelings had gone away. I was wrong.
There is music coming from the house as Derrick and I exit the car.
“This should be interesting,” I say to Derrick, pushing open the front door.
Derrick and I walk through the foyer and toward the living area which is empty, we hear voices out near the pool. My stomach sinks, this is not what I want to see when I get home. Christian is sitting on a pool lounge getting his cock sucked by some blonde. There are a number of naked woman lounging by the pool oblivious to what is going on around them. Christian looks up from the blonde sucking his cock and gives us a wicked smile.
“You are a disgusting pig,” I spit out, wanting to throw up.
The girl sucking his dick turns around and looks at me giving me a death stare.
“Ignore her, I do most of the time,” Christian snarls. The blonde turns back and starts working his dick again.
“What the fuck, Christian?” Derrick blurts out. “I have no fucking idea who this guy is in front of me. The Christian I know would never treat his best friend like this.”
Christian frowns at Derrick’s comment then quickly composes himself. “You two going to stand there all night watching or do you want to join in?”
Derrick just shakes his head. “Fuck you, enjoy loneliness you fucking prick because that is where you are heading if you keep this attitude up.”
Christian blanches at the heated words Derrick spews at him.
“Come, V, you don’t need to be subjected to this,” Derrick states, waving his hand at the wannabe porn scene in front of us. Grabbing my arm, he whisks me away and toward my room.
“Come live with me,” Derrick says. “I will not allow you to subject yourself to some man child tantrums. He needs to fucking grow up.”
I give Derrick a weak smile. “But I did this to him.” I feel ridiculously guilty over not saying yes to him.
“Look at me, V.” Derrick grabs my arms and holds me still, those green eyes sparkling at me. “You were honest with your feelings to him, he is just upset that you turned him down. I don’t think anyone has ever rejected that boy and that must be a new feeling for him. He is screwing around with groupies to feed his ego, to show you that he is desired, that you made a mistake. He is trying to hurt you because he can’t have you and he doesn’t know what to do.”
I feel sick. “But I love him, D,” I confess.
“I understand you love him because he is your best friend.” Derrick nods his head at me.
I can’t look at him.
“Ness,” Derrick growls at me.
That’s when I break down in his arms. “I love him, D…but I’m scared and naively I thought we could go back to the way we were, just like we had for the last few years. This time, this time I think he is done with me.”
Derrick is quiet for a moment; I can hear his heart thumping in his chest. “I think what might be best for the two of you is time apart. I don’t think you are ever going to rebuild your relationship if you have to live here and watch him fuck these cheap imitations of you.”
I nod in agreement.
“So, let’s pack a bag for tonight and then we can organize for you to move the rest of your stuff over on the weekend.”
This sounds like a good idea.
***
Earlier today we collected all of my stuff from the house. I had been waiting for Christian to leave so I wouldn’t have to run into him. Isla told me he had planned some boys weekend in Vegas this weekend so that’s when I organized to get the rest of my things from his home. Luckily he hadn’t changed the locks on me.
“It’s our one-week anniversary as roomies.” Derrick pops a bottle of champagne for this very special occasion. He moved into this charming 1920s bungalow in West Hollywood not long after we returned from Paris. It is perfect for him; he is close enough to the action but far enough away to feel like living in the suburbs. He has a gorgeous little garden where we have had one too many crazy barbecues in. We are heading out on a girls’ night with Stacey, Isla and Charlotte to celebrate. I finally feel up to a night out after this whole Christian debacle which still hasn’t sorted itself out. I miss him. I am so used to talking to him every day. It has been ages since he has uttered a single word to me.
“Cheer up, buttercup, I have an awesome night planned,” Derrick says, smiling at me.
***
We all had such an amazing night tonight, started off with delicious Mexican, continued on with copious amounts of cocktails and ended with a party back at Derrick’s place. The ratio of men to women are heavily tipped in our favor. I am currently chatting to a very handsome Australian actor called Darcy. He is funny, charming and great company. Derrick met him when he was asked to style him for an up and coming Australian stars in Hollywood feature. They hit it off straight away. Now I am standing in Derrick’s backyard flirting with this much younger man and loving it. I put all thoughts of Christian behind me.
“I’m glad Derrick introduced us.” He smiles at me, his blue eyes sparkling in the moonlight.
“Me too,” I reply, as we stand huddled together at the back of the garden.
“You are very beautiful, Vanessa.” He compliments me, making me blush.
“You’re not so bad yourself.” Seriously I feel like I am back in high school with these kind of flirtatious comebacks. Darcy moves closer to me; his breath is on the edge of my neck. “I really want to kiss you,” he confesses into my ear.
“Me too.” I feel the butterflies in my stomach. I watch as he moves closer to me, his lips touching mine hesitantly. Slowly we start to explore each other, a tentative tongue comes out as his large palm caresses my head holding me as we softly kiss. It’s a beautiful kiss, not too passionate but not stale either, the perfect amount to leave you wanting more. We smile at each other once it’s over.
“Stop!” I hear Derrick yell as there is a commotion behind us.
“Get out of my face, D.” Is that Christian’s voice? Turning around in Darcy’s arms I see a very pissed off rock star, with a menacing look across his face.
“Christian,” I gasp. What the hell is he doing here?
He stalks over to where I am standing with Darcy and before I know it he has punched Darcy in the face, the poor guy falls to the floor, blood pouring out of his nose.
“You fucker, I think you broke it,” Darcy screams through the blood.
“What the fuck, Christian?” I yell at him pushing him square in the chest. “What the hell have you done?” I crouch down near Darcy whose hand is covered in blood. Someone hands him a towel to clean himself. As he does he winces.
“You need to go to the hospital,” I say, helping him up from the floor.
“Yeah, no thanks to your fucking boyfriend,” he hisses.
“He is not my boyfriend, he’s…he’s…” I’m not sure what he is anymore.
Darcy just frowns and storms off with his friends.
“How fucking dare you!” I push against his chest, making him take a step back.
“How dare I? You’re the one that packed up your shit and left me, Ness. I came home and found your room empty, all your shit has gone. How dare you just pack and leave me.” Christian looks hurt by my actions, but that doesn’t excuse him coming into Derrick’s home and punching out some guy.
“I would have told you if you actually fucking spoke to me instead of giving
me the cold shoulder.”
Christian rakes his hands through his disheveled hair.
“Do you even care about my feelings? I guess not because here you are making out with some young punk,” he spits out.
“I don’t give a fuck how you feel anymore because you sure as hell didn’t give a fuck about how I felt. I walk in on you, on a number of occasions, fucking random sluts on our couch or getting a fucking blow job by the pool. I came home to some goddamn kegger in the backyard. As far as I am concerned you can go and get fucked,” I spit at him. I am so fucking angry.
Christian takes a step back as if my words have physically assaulted him. “You didn’t want me, Ness. I am a single fucking man, who I fuck is none of your business.”
His words are full of anger and I hate that he is so angry at me. I walk up to him and poke him in the chest. “And who I fuck is none of your business either, yet here you are punching out guys, laying them out, bloodied on the floor.”
“You’re right, Ness. I don’t give a shit, you can fuck whoever the fuck you like,” he roars, then walks away as if nothing happened, leaving me shocked and confused.
One Month Later
“Oh my God, Si, he is beautiful.” I cuddle my soon-to-be godson, Ryder Hayes Wyld. Touching his little fingers, I look at his tiny little toes, those gorgeous puckered lips and chubby cheeks. Damn it, he is so cute he’s making my ovaries clucky, and I am so far from having kids it’s not funny. Sienna was a trooper, spending all day in labor. Seeing her finally live out her dream of becoming a mother, I cried. I cried when I saw her holding her beautiful baby boy. Mind you I wasn’t the only one, Sienna and Evan’s parents were equally smitten with little Ryder.
Christian turned up to the hospital with the other guys to greet the new addition to the Dirty Texas family. I still haven’t spoken or seen him since that night at Derrick’s. My hands are sweating; I am nervous at seeing him again. He looks good dressed in a hooded sweater and jeans, his brown hair has grown a little longer and he’s gotten rid of some of the scruff on his face. I noticed the dark circles under his eyes, he doesn’t look like he has been sleeping well. Probably all the partying he has been doing. We may not talk but I read the gossip magazines, I see the reports on TMZ, I have a vague idea of what he has been up to. I also notice how he’s keeping himself separate from everyone, even the boys. That’s just so not like him, he usually is the life of the party, the one that brings the group together. Now he doesn’t look like he gives a shit. Eventually he leaves and I relax again.