by JA Low
“Hey, how are you?” Axel asks as we stand outside the hospital room.
“Yeah good, really good,” I say, shuffling my feet from side to side.
“You like living with D?”
“Yeah I do, we have lots of fun together.”
Axel nods and falls silent again. “I’m sorry about my brother, he’s just…” He lets his words fall away.
“Having a tantrum.”
Axel chuckles, “Yeah, he’s used to getting the girl and the one he wants isn’t interested.” He gives me a pointed look.
“Look at the way he’s acting Axe.”
“You know he’s just acting out. His ego is hurt, Ness. I know he still loves you. The question is do you still love him?”
I can feel the tears threatening, I don’t want to cry but they fall anyway, down my face, over my cheeks, falling with a splat onto the hospital floor. “Of course I do, but not the way he wants me too.”
“Seriously? You never saw yourself with him in any other way other than as a friend?” Axel questions me.
“I don’t want to talk about it, Axe.” I push off from the wall and walk away from Sienna’s hospital room and head toward the little hospital garden.
“Ness.” Axel follows me out into the garden.
“What, Axe?” I turn around sounding mad.
“Why are you so afraid of my brother’s feelings for you?”
I can’t talk to him about this because I don’t really understand why I am so afraid of Christian.
“Axe, please I don’t want to talk about it,” I plead with him.
“No, I need to know.” He pushes the subject.
“I am worried that if I take a chance on him that we could destroy what we have? That he would eventually get sick of me, or cheat or move on, then what? My heart would be broken. I would have to leave the job that I love, leave the city that has become my home. I have too much to lose to take that chance, Axel.”
“And yet, you already have lost him,” he says, shoving his hands in his pockets as he turns and heads toward the door, leaving me in the tiny courtyard with my thoughts. “Have you ever thought about how much you could have gained if you had said yes?” And with that he leaves me stunned.
***
“Hi, Mum,” I say into my phone.
“Hey, beautiful, how’s things?” Concern laces her voice, she knows what’s going on between Christian and I.
“Same old stuff, haven’t seen Christian, but I hear the gossip.”
“I’m sorry, sweetheart. He’s a good guy just probably hurt and lost and doesn’t know what to do with himself.”
I let out a long sigh, it’s frustrating but I don’t know how to fix our relationship, I never thought it would ever be this broken.
“How is little Ryder doing?”
“Oh Mum, he is gorgeous. He is so perfect.”
“I’ve seen so many photos of him. He is gorgeous.”
“I’m sure you have. Enough about them, I need to know about your results.” Mum told me over Christmas she was going to go get the BRCA test done because we have a strong family history of breast cancer. She found a lump and thank God it was benign; it was the push she needed to get the test done. All the women in our family have had some sort of cancer, breast cancer being the majority. It sucks that we have some faulty genes in there.
“I got the results back, sweetie.”
My heart is racing as she sounds so ominous.
“It’s positive.”
No! I think I am going to throw up. “But what does that mean?” I stammer out.
“It means if I am not proactive then I am going to get cancer.”
Fuck, I can’t lose my mum.
“So in a couple of weeks I have scheduled a double mastectomy and a hysterectomy because of my age. I think my baby making days are over.” She jokes.
“I’m coming home.” She needs me there, I need to be there, it’s major surgery.
“Oh, sweetie no, you don’t have to come home. It’s routine, I will be fine. You are so busy with your job, stay, you can’t do anything here.”
As if I am going to get any work done worrying about her. “No, Mum, I’m coming home and helping Dad look after you.”
She knows how stubborn I am especially if I have made my mind up.
“Fine, sweetie, but can you do me one thing before you come.”
“Anything.” And that was the truth.
“I want you to take the test, the results take a while. There’s a big chance you have this faulty gene as well and you need to catch this early to put measures into place. I want to be a grandma someday. You have a long life to live and this way you know instead of it being a ticking time bomb.”
I’m silent, my mind is rushing around trying to work out what this means for me. I didn’t even contemplate having the test thinking it was something for older women to do, but if all the women in my family have this faulty gene, shit.
“Vanessa,” Mum calls out to me, realizing I have zoned out. “Sweetie, please do it for me, it’s important.”
“Of course, Mum, of course I will.”
I booked myself in for the test as soon as I could. It would take about six weeks for the results to come through.
“How are things going, man?” I greet Evan, slapping him on the back.
“I am so fucking tired, Chris. So fucking tired,” he groans as he walks to the man cave with his little bundle wrapped in his arms. “Kids are hard work. Ryder doesn’t stop screaming, and the amount of shit that comes from this tiny little human is unreal. Like how the fuck does he make that much crap?”
Evan hands over the baby to me, I look down at the sleeping child, he is so tiny. Fuck, it takes my breath away that Sienna and Evan created him. “He is going to be a lady killer when he grows up, just like his Uncle Chris,” I joke.
“Speaking of lady killer, how things going with Ness?” Evan asks, placing a beer on the side table.
“I wouldn’t know.” I ignore the pang deep in my heart because one of the closest people in the world to me is now a stranger to me.
“So, guess you don’t know that she’s in Australia then?”
My whole body stills. “What did you say?” Ryder squirms in my arms feeling the tension in my body. Evan puts his beer down and takes the child from me.
“Si, told me that Ness left for Australia the other day, her mom is having some major surgery and she went to be with her. She’s gone for a month, dude. How the hell did you not know about this?”
Running my hand through my hair, I take a big swig of beer from the bottle and fish around for my phone. I quickly unblock Vanessa’s social media and start cyber stalking her.
“Is her mom okay?” Fuck, I feel like a real asshole not knowing her mom is having surgery. This is the kind of stuff I would have been there for her with, I would have been in Australia right beside her, no questions asked.
Evan nods, “Yeah, Sienna said she had a mastectomy and hysterectomy so she doesn’t get cancer or something like that.”
I nod, shit that’s a big deal. Ness and her mom are really close.
Little Ryder starts fussing. “He’s due for a feed, give me a sec and I’ll palm him off to Sienna.” It doesn’t take Evan long to return.
“So, you over your fucking mantrum yet or not?” Evan asks.
I’m a little shocked by his tone. “Mantrum?”
“Yeah, fuck face, mantrum, you know man-tantrum. I still can’t believe you are this hung up over some chick not wanting to be your girlfriend.”
I just stare at my best friend. Is he serious right now?
“Are you seriously happy with the situation and how it’s turned out?” He questions me.
“She hurt me, man. She broke my fucking heart into a million pieces then stomped on it.”
Evan raises his eyebrow at me. “Boo fucking hoo. You have been treating her like shit for the past couple of months. So much so that she packed her shit and moved in with Derrick,
after years living with you.”
“But she doesn’t want me.” How the fuck does he not understand it, I’m heartbroken?
“No, Christian, that’s not what happened. She wasn’t ready for something more, not yet. I’m sure she was shocked by your declaration and instead of giving her time and space to maybe see you in a new light, you instead took a torch to that love. Now look at what’s left…nothing but ashes.”
I’m in shock. But I think he might be right. Peeling the label off my beer, I refuse to acknowledge what he just said.
“It’s not too late, man.” Evan tries to convince me.
Resting my head in my hands I whisper, “I fucked up big time, man. I hurt her so badly. The shit I pulled…I would never forgive me for that. All because my ego got bruised.”
“Do you still love her?” Evan asks.
“Yeah man I do. Fuck, I miss her so fucking much. I feel like a limb is missing, I’m lost without her.”
“Yeah that’s love, man. It sucks but we wouldn’t have it any other way,” he says, slapping me on the back. “Now go and get your girl, it’s going to be a long journey because you fucked up big time. Start by sending her mom flowers or some shit like that. You were close with her family; send something to show her you still care. Slowly get back into her life, and stop fucking groupies in front of her.”
I smile at my wise friend. “Shit, man, becoming a dad has turned you into Yoda. How the fuck did you get so wise?”
“Fuck knows; now go and do something and stop being a pussy.” He shoves me out the door.
***
It’s early and I can hear my phone ringing, I try and find it but I’m tangled in my sheets. It stops ringing. Damn it, when I read the name on the missed call, I could kick myself. Vanessa. Shit, I missed a call from her. Instantly, I FaceTime her back.
“Hey,” she says, picking up the phone.
She looks beautiful, her hair is pulled up in a ponytail and she is wearing a low cut black dress, her perfect breasts almost spilling out of it, my dick twitches to life.
“Hey, sorry I missed your call. I couldn’t find my phone.”
She smiles. “Sorry it’s early, I’m just getting ready to go out with friends.”
My body tenses, hopefully she isn’t going out with any single guys. Not like you have a say anyway, you fucked it all up.
“Thank you so much for the flowers, Christian, they were beyond beautiful, Mum loved them.”
I had organized for this amazing orchid bouquet to be delivered to the resort. I remembered Vanessa telling me it was her mom’s favorite flower. I may have gone over the top with how big the bouquet was; you know size matters and all. I also sent a bouquet to Vanessa with an apology, it was the least I could do for my behavior.
“I’m glad. How is she feeling?”
“She’s sore, but getting stronger every day. I’m glad I am here for her.” I can see the emotions written across her face.
“I’m glad you are as well.” We smile at each other, it’s been too fucking long.
“Ness, we need to talk.”
“Yeah, I know. But not now, I have to go.”
My stomach sinks, I nod. “Okay, well have fun.”
“Thanks, I will.”
Then she’s gone. I can feel the distance between us, I need to make it right.
***
“Been a while since we’ve done this,” Derrick says as we start our ascent up Runyon Canyon. Derrick is my go to work out partner and I have been shunning him because I thought he chose Vanessa’s side in our fight.
“I’m sorry, man, I just…” I pause, not knowing what to say to him, there is no excuse for my behavior.
“Come here and give me a kiss.” Derrick grabs me and plants a wet kiss right on my cheek. “I still love ya, even when you are being the biggest dickhead on the planet,” he chuckles.
“Yeah, I know,” I reply, kicking the dirt under my feet.
“Well, say you’re sorry and move on.” Derrick makes it sound so simple.
“I don’t think Ness is going to accept it,” I tell him as we start to run. I can feel the endorphins pump through my body, this is what I need. Sweat is pouring out of me as if purging me of my sins. We finally reach the top and I bend over trying to catch my breath.
“You did good,” Derrick praises me, the man hardly looks like he is puffing after that half hour run.
“How…the…hell…are…you…not…dead…” I pant.
Derrick slaps my ass. “I have been looking after myself plus I have stamina.” I roll my eyes at him. You have been partying too much lately,” he states, giving me a pointed look.
I take a seat and look out over the LA skyline. “Yeah, I know. Shit, I’m sorry, man.”
Derrick sits down beside me. “No need to apologize to me, but I think you owe Ness a big one,” he informs me as he takes a long sip from his bottle.
“Yeah, I do. I spoke to her the other day.”
“Really?” Derrick sounds shocked.
“Yeah, she thanked me for the flowers I sent.” I take a long gulp of the cool liquid.
“Well that was nice. Ness was so worried about her mum, thankfully the operation was a success.”
I nod in agreement, actually I’m still panting because I don’t think I am ever going to get my breath back.
“So…what are you going to do about Ness?” Derrick asks me.
“Slowly win her back.”
“You are going to have to get down on your knees at some point, I think she deserves that level of groveling.”
“I know, I fucked up. But I was hurt.” I try to excuse my behavior.
“You know what? I don’t blame you.”
I’m in shock. Someone is actually agreeing with me.
“And if you tell Ness I will deny it all.”
I laugh.
“But I get why you are pissed, from what Ness has told me you two have been on and off since Sienna and I arrived in LA.”
Yeah, he was right about that.
“And you two have been living together for years.”
Yeah.
“You have worked together since day one, you lived together, you traveled together and you took holidays together.”
I keep nodding because he is right with everything he is saying.
“You probably haven’t been any closer to anyone in your life?” he questions me.
“No, maybe Axel but he’s blood so it doesn’t count.”
“And when the person you trusted over everyone else tells you you’re not what they want, it’s only natural you are going to be pissed, hurt even.”
Yes, yes that is it.
“Imagine if the person you loved, you relied on, suddenly turned their back on you and purposely did things to break your heart.”
My stomach sinks. I don’t think he is talking about me being in the right anymore.
“Imagine if the person you loved more than anything in the world, but was too scared to take a chance on, brought random girls home and tainted every surface, every memory you had there with that person. Imagine how that would feel?”
Fuck! I feel like shit, the scum of the earth. “D,” I say, taking another big gulp of water. “She is never ever going to forgive me, is she?” Looking up at him I’m hoping that he can give me the answers.
“Honestly? I don’t know.”
Shit, shit, shit.
“But…I think there is enough history between you two that maybe you can build back your friendship, anything more I don’t know. I don’t know how she is going to be able to forget the things she has seen.”
“I can’t lose her, D. I am going to make this right.”
“Ness is stubborn, Chris. So don’t push her, I know you are in a very different place now, just give her time to be in the same one, okay?” He looks at me sternly.
I nod my head. “Okay, I promise I won’t push.”
“Good, now come on last one to the bottom gets to be the bottom.” Derrick
gives me a wink.
I am so nervous. Today I am seeing Vanessa for the first time since her visit to Australia. My stomach is twisted in knots. It was inevitable that we would see each other again. I mean we work together and our best friends are married and have a baby together so no matter what, we would always be in each other’s lives for big events such as today, little Ryder Wyld’s christening. Here I am sitting in the church with all our family and friends and I am having really lustful thoughts about the beautiful woman standing up at the altar. Dressed in a demure, yet sexy, white lace dress with a cream cardigan and her trademark high heels, her caramel hair pulled up into a perfect bun, her makeup flawless. She looks like the angel I remember her to be. I sit uncomfortably as the service continues, watching her every move. Looking at her holding little Ryder claws at my heart because in that moment I had a vision, a vision that it was us. I groan audibly at my crazy thoughts.
“Be respectful.” Axel elbows me in my seat.
Shaking my head, I whisper, “Sorry.”
Axel leans into me. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, it’s weird seeing V again.”
He follows my eye line. Vanessa quickly looks away when she spots the two of us staring at her.
“She looks beautiful up there, doesn’t she?” Axel states as he questions me. I clench my fists at my brother’s comment, I don’t say a thing. “Her holding a baby looks good on her, don’t you think?”
Fuck this twin shit gets on my nerves sometimes. “Yeah, she does,” I huff.
Axel gives me a chuckle before elbowing me in the side again, trying to get my attention. “Well then, sort that shit out. Mom is so disappointed in you, so am I. You have kept up this tantrum long enough, get over yourself. I am sick of this bullshit, brother. Your attitude is affecting everyone.”