50 After 50

by Maria Leonard Olsen

  Physically, I have intentionally slowed down, trying to be more acutely aware of my steps and actions. It is another aspect of simplifying my life.

  The actions I have taken to simplify my life allow me to have less distraction, less to clean, and less to be responsible for in general. I now have more time to seek fulfillment in relationships, experiences, and social causes, instead of in things.

  Experiences enhance our lives more than material goods do. We are, in some ways, the sum of our experiences, not the sum of what we possess.

  Can you break free from the tyranny of things? Commit to donating or discarding two things for every one thing you bring into your home. Be more conscious of how you spend your time and your money. Bringing lunch to work each day can save me more than $2,000 a year.9 How is that for a raise?

  46. Good Company

  Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: “What! You too? I thought I was the only one.”

  —C. S. Lewis

  I finally learned that “No” is a complete sentence. I no longer need to justify myself to anyone. I used to make excuses and apologize when someone asked me to do something I did not want to do. Now I can just say, “No, thank you.”

  I also learned to surround myself with people who help me be the best version of myself that I can be. That may be intuitive to many of you. But as a people-pleasing, codependent person, this lesson took many years to sink into my psyche.

  A saying often heard in the 12-step rooms is: “If you hang around in a barbershop, you eventually will get a haircut.” So I avoid people, places, and things that trigger negative aspects of my personality. I do not drink, so I stay away—or leave early—from events that involve heavy drinking.

  I learned who my real friends are, and what real friendship is about. I lost many friends during the dark days of my depression, some when I went to rehab, and still more when I got divorced. Those who stayed with me despite everything remain in my life today.

  Learning how to say no for me was a radical act of self-care. As a people-pleaser, this was difficult for me to learn how to do. Self-care is in many ways about setting boundaries, something I have not heretofore been very effective at doing. I have a canned response now: “Thank you, but I have other commitments.” Meaning sleep. Relaxation. Writing. Nurturing important relationships, including one with myself. I realized that not saying no is dishonest. It is being untrue to myself and to the other person. It erodes our confidence and our ability to be someone whose words can be trusted.

  I used to overextend myself like a crazy person. It was part of my trying to deal with feeling less than others. I had 5,000 “friends,” but felt close to very few. I spread myself too thinly, and it became a detriment.

  It took me a long time to appreciate that there are levels of friendship—and that it was wiser to nurture the few I care about the most. My former drinking buddies are now arm’s-length friends. Our activities involved a fair amount of debauchery. Now I choose to see such friends only during daylight hours. I always have my own transportation out of social situations. As a short woman, I often get hit on the face by those who tend to spit while talking after consuming several drinks. That’s sometimes my cue to leave.

  We can choose with whom we spend our time. Often, we unconsciously adopt traits of the people with whom we keep company. If all of my friends were vegetarians, I would likely eat less meat. If all of my friends were full of negativity, I would likely see more things in a negative light.

  Though attending 12-step meetings and confiding in my sponsor keeps my self-pity largely in check, it can rear its ugly head when I compare myself with others or to an unrealistic standard. I must only evaluate myself in relation to myself—am I a better version of myself than I was yesterday? Am I making progress? Spending my time with supportive and positive people help me keep that healthy focus.

  Instead of a juice cleanse, a woman I know did a negativity cleanse. For 48 hours, she avoided news, television, social media, negative people, and negative self-talk. Periodically, I would like to do the same.

  I respect myself enough now to cultivate relationships with people who help bring out the best in me. I mindfully choose with whom I want to spend my allotted time on this planet. Time is more valuable than money, yet I was doing little to protect my time. I unwittingly gave it away somewhat indiscriminately. I now guard it closely and give it to those who deserve and respect it—mostly myself.

  I was told that the opposite of addiction is connection. I think hard now, though, about with whom I wish to be connected and why.

  I spend most of my time with sober friends. Luckily for me, more of my “normie” friends are not partying hard anymore. We all seem to put a higher value on sleep as we get older.

  True friends and family are more important than just about anything else. My view of family has expanded as well. We are allowed to have families of choice and not only families of origin. Several of my friends in recovery call the people in recovery their family. The collegiality and love I have experienced from people in the recovery rooms favors such a sentiment.

  Think about if Armageddon were to arrive. Who would you want by your side? Someone you could count on, right?

  In the third third of my life, quality matters more than quantity. A social worker friend of mine counseled me to put up a reminder to myself to nurture the friendships with the two or three friends who were most important to me. With whom can I be my most authentic self? Who helps me to be the best version of myself that I can be? I reach out to these women regularly. They are my priority for the precious commodity of time I have left. Ask yourself: If you had 30 days left on earth, with whom would you want to spend that time? Make a note in your calendar to try to spend time with that person every month, at least. None of us has a crystal ball that informs us which day will be our last.

  47. Model Behavior

  I look forward to being older, when what you look like becomes less and less an issue and what you are is the point.

  —Susan Sarandon

  I used to be vainer. I coveted attention. I had an “All About Maria” party for myself when I turned 40 that featured costume changes from every decade in which I had lived, slide shows and videos about me, Maria trivia games on the tables, and Asian food and green beer (to honor my Southeast Asian and Irish heritage). A video camera was set up to capture guest tributes—to me. Guests came in outfits from the decade in which they met me. A couple of women who met me when we were pregnant wore baby bumps under their clothes. My friends from high school wore duds from the 1980s. I reveled in the attention.

  I enjoyed stylish clothes and good makeup. I got facials. I liked what I saw in the mirror.

  As I entered middle age, I did not like what changes were happening to my body. I looked in the mirror less, and wore less makeup. I knew many women my age who were getting Botox treatments, tummy tucks, boob jobs, and face lifts, but did not want any of that for myself, partially because of the cost and mostly because I dry heave when undergoing anything medical. I actually fainted the first time I saw my own blood.

  My friend and mentor, Iris Krasnow, challenged me to allow myself to be photographed without makeup and interviewed about my aging visage. Krasnow says, “The message I like to share is don’t count on your looks because they change. Discover an inner source of energy and fulfillment that has everything to do with your heart and soul and very little to do with your exterior.”10

  Our photos were featured in a Huffington Post piece about women embracing their natural beauty at every age. All of the women in the piece impressed me with their view of the lines on their faces as road maps of their lives. They rejected society’s ageist and sexist beauty standards and accepted their increasing wrinkles. “Aging is an honor,” said one. “I think the 50s are the best of all the decades so far. You really come into your own,” said another. A third noted that �
��in Africa, women move up in prestige as they go through menopause. It is all those years that play into your value. In Asian cultures, elders are revered. I had a friend say recently that, as an elder, you don’t step out and away from people, but you take on more responsibility. You are responsible for educating and teaching and helping others.”11 I admire and learn from all of these women and women like them who have chosen to age naturally and with grace.

  I also learned to become comfortable with my softer middle-aged body. After spending my 30s and 40s running almost every day and completing three marathons, I “ran” the donut-fueled Krispy Kreme 5k and took up walking. I sometimes practice the Galloway Walk Run Method.12 It is a form of interval training. In my particular practice, I alternate walking and running each minute. I completed the Philadelphia Half Marathon this way. It is easier on one’s joints and bones. I can do anything for one minute at a time. So can you.

  What makes a person attractive? Many times it is attitude. With age usually comes greater confidence and, I believe, a quieter, more serene beauty. Look at Helen Mirren and Meryl Streep.

  Do you embrace how you look as you age? Why not? Is it because you do not like who you are at the moment, or other underlying reasons? Think about the time and money you could save on makeup if you cut it out of your budget. Reflect on these questions and strive for clarity and ease. If you surround yourself with like-minded people, you will feel more comfortable. Most importantly, if you feel good about yourself, you inevitably will be more attractive, even to yourself.

  48. With the Wind in My Hair

  If you surrender to the wind, you can ride it.

  —Toni Morrison

  Yes, buying a car can be an indulgence. Many people can get by without one. Those in the minimalist movement promote not having cars. I drove a sports utility vehicle for many years. I do not need such a big vehicle anymore.

  After my divorce, I bought the only car I have ever purchased by myself. I got a tiny car that gets fantastic mileage and has a relatively low carbon footprint. I researched the best deals. In more than 30 years of driving experience, this little car has been the easiest for me to park, even in the tightest of spaces. My car’s gas mileage is impressive. Its retractable roof gives me pleasure in good weather. There is something about letting the sun warm my skin and the wind bathe my body that makes me feel more alive.

  Another benefit of having a convertible is that at times when I have to transport something large in my car, I can load it through the roof, and leave the roof open, if necessary. The employees at Home Depot have been thoroughly entertained when they have seen me do this. It’s the little car that could.

  My exhortation to simplify in a previous section may seem at odds with my buying a car. But I live far from my place of work, and there is no public transportation that could get me there. So I “bless” you to splurge every once in a while (although, of course, you do not need my blessing), if you can afford it without going into debt. You can’t take it with you, after all.

  Have you ridden with the top down or even all of the windows open lately? Blast your tunes and sing at the top of your lungs. Or go out and ride a bike. Run through a field. Skip. Do a cartwheel. Let the wind mess up your hair. These simple activities are so energizing. Let these sorts of activities be part of your personal arsenal of feeling truly alive.

  49. Attitude of Gratitude

  If you look at what you have in life, you’ll always have more.

  If you look at what you don’t have, you’ll never have enough.

  —Oprah Winfrey

  It is hard to be angry and grateful at the same time. I am in the process of evolving to a state in which I appreciate all of life’s challenges as playing a role in teaching me a needed lesson. I am not always successful, but I strive for progress, not perfection.

  How many blessings have I taken for granted for most of my life? Through happy circumstance of being born into my family of origin, in this prosperous country, I do not want for food or other necessities. During travel in third world countries, my heart is heavy when I see the poverty in which many survive. Water is a scarce commodity in many areas, as is health care. But I have seen much joy in the faces of people living in incredibly dire circumstances.

  Concentration camp survivor Viktor Frankl continues to inspire me with the attitude he adopted in the face of unspeakable conditions. Dr. Frankl, a psychiatrist, says, “Between stimulus and response there is space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”13 This Holocaust survivor has imparted much wisdom through his experiences and writings.

  I gained perspective in recovery. I learned that most of my problems were “rich people’s problems” or “first world problems.” Acknowledging what I am blessed with, instead of what might be lacking, is a better way to live.

  I was fascinated to learn of the tradition of Hassidic Jews to make a list of 100 things for which they are grateful. This is done first thing in the morning for those who are observant of the ritual.

  Compiling gratitude lists is a regular practice I have incorporated into my life. I do a list of at least ten gratitude items each day. My children usually top that list, but good health, sunny days, my dog’s companionship, and beautiful trees often make it onto my lists. Sometimes I reflect on being thankful that I can see, taste, touch, hear, and smell. I know people who have lost one of more of these senses, and do not want to take having these abilities for granted.

  When I am frustrated with my children’s behavior, I take time out to think of what I love about them. My son has a wonderful ability to make people laugh. He is a talented singer, actor, and dancer, and brings me great joy with his performances. My daughter’s wisdom and compassion sometimes take my breath away. I remember this little gem from when she was about five years old: “Mommy, if you keep yelling, we—we—we are going to become just like you!” This little truth shot defused the situation, made us all laugh, and made me more careful to not raise my voice.

  When my boyfriend or girlfriends disappoint me, I reflect on what I like about them. My boyfriend, for instance, is very careful and exacting when he does repairs around the house. When I feel impatience starting to surface, I stop to consider how lucky I am that he has these helpful skills and does things correctly the first time, allowing us greater utility of whatever it is he has fixed. The lens we choose can greatly affect our attitudes. We can amplify the good or the bad, depending on what we choose to focus on each day.

  My recovery sponsor gave me a gratitude bracelet with beads I can use to count my blessings throughout the day. I also am in an online women’s group where we post daily gratitude lists. Other women’s lists inspire me and remind me that we can choose how we respond to what we encounter in the world. I do my best to surround myself with optimistic people.

  I try to help my son and daughter cultivate an attitude of gratitude. When my children are going through a rough patch, I resist the urge to give them advice unless they ask for it. Instead, I try to ask them questions. Sometimes I ask them to talk about what the worst thing that could happen may be. That usually gets them (and me) to gain perspective on a difficulty that is not a matter of life or death. I gently ask about the positives I see in each situation. It is hard to realize in the heat of the moment that every challenge or mistake can teach us something, but I know it is true. Many believe that everything happens for a reason. It took me a long while, but I accept that now.

  When I focus on what is good in my life or in another person I encounter, everything goes better. It can be the difference between safely enjoying a warm, sunny day and cursing the sun’s heat as oppressive or dwelling on the health risks of getting sun. Or grumbling in traffic instead of taking the time to meditatively breathe during the break provided in your day or reflect on your good fortune of being able to have a car.

  Cultivating a current of gratitude under
lying everything I do is a life goal of mine. Even the attempt at this has improved my life many times over. I have included a section on gratitude lists with a couple of examples near the end of this book. This one thing can change your outlook and your life, too. It costs you nothing to think of things for which you are grateful and the dividends of doing so will reverberate in your life and in the lives of those around you. You will realize that you already live an abundant life and have everything you need. As the poet Rumi says, “You wander from room to room hunting for the diamond necklace that is already around your neck.”14 I know I did.

  50. Following My New Road Map

  Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—I took the one less traveled by,

  and that has made all the difference.

  —Robert Frost

  About once every five years for several decades, I had a similar conversation with my best friend about being uneasy with my life. Something did not feel right. I felt that much of my social engagement was superficial and that living a country club lifestyle did not fit who I am. I chipped away at that malaise in some ways, but I did not make any drastic changes in my life until I turned 50. I can see now that I engaged in self-sabotage. Out of crisis, however, can come change. I wish I had not waited for that to happen.

  Perhaps the most important post-50 change I made was that I forgave myself and began living a life authentic to me. I removed the mask and discarded the persona I frequently adopted when in public, mistakenly regarding my true self as somehow inferior. I realized the need to let go of what I thought I wanted and the fantasy life I had constructed. Instead, I embrace what I have and love my life as it is, not what I wish it would be. I enjoy my life. It is the sweet spot before my body starts to fail me with old age and attendant infirmity.