She Belongs to Me

by Carmen DeSousa

  Jordan reached out to Jaynee as if he wanted to comfort her, but then he let his hand drop back to the bed.

  “No one said anything. Like my dad’s first marriage, they had suspicions but didn’t think it was their place to interfere. My dad never talked derogatory about my mother, but he did reveal a story years later about the day he left.

  “He said she’d been in a rotten mood all morning, yelling about everything I did. Evidently, I was sick and had thrown-up on the floor. My father had to work but promised he would be home early to watch me, so she could have a break.

  “He explained something didn’t feel right, so he turned around and returned home. When he opened the door, she had me lifted up, shaking me violently, screaming at the top of her lungs. She hadn’t heard him enter. He told her to put me down immediately.”

  Jaynee paused and took a breath. It wasn’t the worst story in her life, but it still sent chills down her spine when she thought about what her mother did. Jordan hadn’t said a word the entire time, but his eyes were expectant. She hoped he was really going to be able to handle this.

  “She didn’t put me down. Instead, she threw me across the room; I had just turned three.”

  Jaynee looked up at Jordan and saw the horror in his eyes. He just shook his head and sighed. The idea of someone throwing a child across the room like a ragdoll evidently upset him, too. Of course, as a cop, he must be accustomed to listening to these accounts.

  She took another breath and continued. “When my dad bent over to pick me up, she crouched over top of him and banged on his back. Instinctively, he knocked her to the floor. He confessed he had never hit a woman in his life, but had no choice, it was an automatic impulse, it all happened so quickly. As if he should be sorry for his actions,” she huffed.

  Jaynee pulled her legs underneath her and continued. “He put me on the front of his motorcycle, placed his too-large helmet on my head and drove me to my aunt’s house. My aunt said the sight of my father pulling in the driveway with me on his motorcycle was the saddest sight she’d ever seen. She went on to say she had never seen my dad cry before or ever again after that day.

  “My mom left town after that incident but returned when I was five. My dad loved her, but she couldn’t handle raising a child according to a child psychiatrist assigned my case. My father had to choose, so he chose me. Luckily, the judge agreed, he gave my dad full custody. If he had stayed with my mom, she probably would have killed me. I don’t remember much. But for years, I woke up with nightmares, feeling as though something were crushing me, pleading for the pain to stop.

  “My mother wiggled back into my life when I was twelve but only for a week every other year until I was eighteen. I’ve seen her only once as an adult, and we got in a terrible fight. My mom is a troubled woman. More times than I know of, she has attempted suicide by slashing her wrist or overdosing on drugs.”

  Jaynee didn’t look up to see Jordan’s reaction this time; instead, she moved on to finish her father’s story.

  “My dad remarried my evil stepmother, his third wife, who also abused me. It was usually more mental abuse though. But I do remember one time when she kept coming into my room after I’d done something wrong. Gram was visiting for the weekend and said to my father, ‘Didn’t you divorce her mother for abusing her?’ My father stepped in on that incident, but the abuse continued. When I was fourteen, I actually fought back and won. She never touched me again.

  “Before he married her, I was sent to live with one of my other uncles. Not the one that saved me from my mom—Uncle Adam’s the best. At my other uncle’s house, I witnessed sexual abuse against my cousins. He molested me too, but never intercourse, thank God for that. It’s been hard enough dealing with the other memories.”

  Jaynee paused long enough to look at Jordan and gauge his response. His lips were in a straight line; his pallor had turned bright red. He was struggling with this revelation. His eyes burned as they did last night when it looked as if he might turn around and kill her attackers. She had to let him know this man could no longer hurt anyone.

  “He died five years ago, Jordan, before I felt old enough to confront him. I found out after his death that the family knew he had issues but thought they were resolved when he married and had children. I also discovered he’d molested my father—his younger brother by ten years—when he was a boy. Why my dad ever allowed me to live with him…I’ll never know.” She shook her head in confusion.

  “Oh, Jaynee…I’m so sorry,” Jordan whispered.

  Jaynee could feel the tears well up and struggled to control her sobs. “Jordan,” she cried softly, closing her eyes and shaking her head. “Let me finish. Unbelievable as it may seem, that wasn’t the worst situation in my life. My father did the worst thing I ever had to contend with.”

  Wiping her eyes, she continued. “At seventeen I already lived on my own, because my father was a newlywed again. We saw each other constantly, though. We met for lunch, went to arcades and once went to Busch Gardens, just the two of us.” It was an awesome day, she thought to herself. He had even allowed her to sample the beer they gave away. She didn’t like it, but it was just the two of them, and it felt special.

  She gulped before continuing.

  “My father was unhappy when his last marriage failed and deeply troubled by his past. I tried to get others to see what I was seeing in him, but no one recognized it, because he was always so outwardly happy. He took his life a few years ago. I was the last person he spoke with. The bad thing is…I think I could have stopped it. The night before his death, I sent my uncle and aunt to see him. My father assured them he was fine. I should have shown up or Baker Acted him. Of course, as a cop, I’m sure you know what that means.”

  Jordan merely nodded his head again, allowing her to continue.

  “The next morning, my father awoke, walked into the backyard in his bathrobe and shot himself with a shotgun.”

  Jordan sighed, a deep breath leaving his lungs, but said nothing in reply.

  “So…” Jaynee continued, rubbing her head nervously. “Devastated, I moved from South Florida to live with my grandmother, the only person who’d never hurt me. A few months after I moved here I met a guy…a great guy.” She looked up to see the pain in Jordan’s eyes at her remark. He didn’t want to hear this part she was positive. “Jordan, I want you to know I wasn’t just an ignorant young girl. He had confessed after a few months of dating that he previously had a drug problem and had been in jail before we met. We had a good relationship for about six months, and then one day he just disappeared for days. I couldn’t reach him anywhere, so I knew more than likely, he had gone on a binge.

  “Unfortunately, I was correct. I felt it my duty to help him. He agreed to go to rehab, so I saw him through it. I stayed with him through two more over the next two and a half years. When I discovered his infidelity, it was the final straw. I severed all ties a year ago, told him to never call or write me again, that we were through. He never accepted my leaving and would harass any man I tried to date, so I stopped dating entirely. They incarcerated him about six months ago, and he is supposed to serve a minimal of five years.

  “The day you and I met, I received a letter from him…” Again Jaynee looked up, measuring his reaction. His face appeared composed, but his eyes were grave.

  “I didn’t open his letter; I threw it in the dumpster on my way to see you.” She paused, taking a deep breath, and looked him deep in the eyes. This was the information that would make him leave. More than someone molesting her or two suicidal parents, she had withheld information. Something he had asked her not to do. Though he had said, “Up to this point” she wasn’t to keep anything from him.

  “Those guys last night—the dirt bags, they knew my ex. The leader called me Caycee and asked if I read his letter.”

  “What?” His face was incredulous. He leaned in, his eyes narrowed. “Why didn’t you tell me?” he spat the question. She knew she should have left that part out.<
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  “You said it didn’t matter up to this moment. You said that last night, Jordan.” Tears formed in her eyes. She knew if she told him the truth, he’d leave her. “You said it didn’t matter, as long as I told you everything from now, but I knew you’d despise me. I knew you couldn’t want me. That’s why I couldn’t tell you what you wanted to hear last night. Because I couldn’t tell you how much I already loved you without telling you everything first, and I was afraid.” The words tumbled out of her mouth, muffled by her sobs. The tears flowed freely now, she couldn’t find any way to impede them. She dropped her head into her hands, shielding her face. She wanted to crawl across the floor and disappear.

  Jordan pulled her into his arms. He rocked her and pressed his lips to her forehead.

  “Jaynee, nothing has changed. I just wish you had told me, so I could have taken care of them.” He sounded angry about the men, but thrilled by her words. Through all her pain, she’d admitted she loved him too. “I’m sorry, Jaynee, I’m sorry for everything. My God, what you’ve been through, and that was the edited version. God, I wish I could take it all away. Please let me. Let me take care of you forever. No one will ever hurt you again, I promise.”

  He looked at her solemnly as if deciding on a course of action. “You had a nightmare last night. I understand it now. The attack probably triggered it. And the way your eyes darted around the first time you sat down with me. You’ve been living in an atmosphere of fear your entire life. I will never allow that again.”

  He continued to rock her. Her sobs slowed. She was happy to be in his arms. He wasn’t throwing her out or running away.

  “You still want me?” she asked in total disbelief. How could he want any part of her?

  “Jaynee, none of this has been your fault. And I told you, it doesn’t matter. I love you.”

  She could see he really meant it. “But what if those jerks try to hurt you next time…because of me?”

  “Are you serious?” He pretended to be offended. “Do you honestly believe those guys are competition? That’s insulting.” Humor danced in his eyes.

  “No, not really. You were amazing. What was that thing you were using?”

  “A kubotan, a martial arts weapon I conveniently use as a keychain. It’s a very effective method of knocking the wind out of someone or disabling other body parts. If I had known—” He sucked in a breath, closed his eyes and released the breath as he shook his head. “He’d be absent a working vital organ.”

  “And the kick to the other guy?” she asked enthusiastically.

  “Sorry you saw that.” He looked a little sheepish. But she couldn’t help notice he looked a little pleased she’d witnessed him take on three men, displaying he could protect her. He continued smiling slightly. “I am a black-belt in Isshinryu karate, a defensive tactics trainer and a firing range instructor—because I am the best shot,” he said with a wink. He wasn’t gloating; he just couldn’t stop himself from trying to prove his worth.

  His face suddenly turned serious. “Jaynee, I don’t want you to go back there or anywhere else for that matter where you have to walk into a dark parking lot. It’s not safe, especially for someone who looks like you.” His eyes pleaded with her, attempting to make her understand.

  “But I have to work, Jordan, and it’s the best money for the amount of time I put in while I finish college.” She appreciated the fact he was worried about her, but she couldn’t just quit her job.

  Jordan sighed heavily. “Jaynee, can’t you hear what I am saying? For such a bright girl you’re rather obtuse.” He smiled to lighten the insult.

  She tilted her head slightly, not sure whether to be offended or flattered.

  “Can you honestly sit there blindly and not see how madly in love I am? Can you truthfully admit you don’t feel it too?”

  “No,” she admitted.

  “No you can’t see, or no you can’t admit you feel something too?” he asked exasperated. He smiled, but it didn’t touch his eyes. He still wanted her, but he was not going to accept anything but everything.

  “No, you are right…I can’t deny it. I do love you, Jordan, however irrational it sounds to fall in love with someone after only a few days. But I know I do.”

  “How about after a few seconds?” he offered. “I loved you from the first moment, Jaynee, and every second thereafter it has only gotten stronger, and I can’t deny it. I know what I want; I know what I need.”

  Jordan jumped up without warning and moved off the bed, pulling her with him. “Jaynee, I know this is fast, sorry if I’m scaring you, or if you would have preferred some elaborate production. But I hope this will prove to you how serious I am and compensate for the lack of showmanship on my part.”

  He reached inside the drawer on the nightstand, pulled out a tiny box and fell to one knee. His fingers deftly removed the ring from the box while she watched in disbelief.

  Jaynee gasped then blinked her eyes feverishly.

  Jordan continued unwaveringly with his objective. “Jaynee, my love, will you marry me?” He held her left hand, ring ready, gazing into her eyes expectantly. “Will you accept this as a promise from me to love you and take care of you for the rest of our lives?”

  She couldn’t speak. Tears rolled down her face. She stared into his eyes for untold minutes while he waited patiently, ring ready. He didn’t seem burdened by her pause. He understood this was sudden.

  “Jordan...can I have a minute?” she asked, when she was finally able to speak.

  He dropped her hand and stood back up but didn’t look upset by her request. “Yes, certainly, take as long as necessary. I’m sorry. I know this is sudden, but I do love you, Jaynee, something fierce.”

  She could see the fire in his eyes. He really did love her. He wasn’t playing some kind of joke; he didn’t want to just abuse her and leave her. And the most surprising thing of all, she loved him too.

  Jordan took a step forward and rested his hands on her shoulders. “You don’t have to answer immediately; there’s no rush. I’ll fly back every weekend until you are ready. I won’t give up on you, Jaynee.”

  Jaynee walked into the bathroom and stared at herself in the mirror. This is all she ever wanted, someone to love her and accept her as she was. She told him almost everything. A couple details she could never admit. Two secrets would go to her grave. Jordan didn’t ask to know everything, he accepted her as she was.

  The frightened girl inside of her struggled for her to listen…whispered to her that Jordan would only hurt her like everyone else. When she walked out of this bathroom, there was a decision to make. Either she would accept Jordan’s proposal or she would move away from this state, from everything she has ever known. She would start a new life, move to California. From there she wasn’t sure, but she would leave everything behind. Bury the frightened, abused girl forever. She made her decision right then, and when she stepped out of the bathroom, she felt as if she left a part of her closed in that little room. She would leave behind her past, but she would do it with Jordan. Once again, she would offer her heart and pray he didn’t trample on it like everyone else in her life.

  63

  Carmen DeSousa

  Chapter Ten

  Jaynee inhaled deeply as she stepped over the threshold to her new life. Jordan sat patiently on the edge of the bed, eyes expectant. She smiled, and he bounded toward her but stopped short of reaching her.

  “I love you, Jordan Monroe, with all my heart and soul. Yes, I will marry you.”

  He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her to him. “That’s all I needed to hear, Jaynee.” He burned a trail of kisses over her collarbone and up her neck, burying his head under her hair. Jordan pulled her back to the bed and held her as he kissed her gently. Her entire body quivered.

  He pulled back. “Open your eyes, Jaynee. I want to see your eyes.” He lifted her left hand and gently slid the ring onto her ring finger, then softly laid her on her back.

  She was completely comf
ortable in her decision. They lay entangled as one on the bed, but he didn’t attempt to make love to her. Instead, he just stroked her hair as she lay with her head on his chest.

  Completely content in his embrace, she didn’t want to get out of bed, but she heard his stomach grumble and knew he was probably famished.

  “What’s for breakfast?” She chuckled quietly.

  “You caught that? I was thinking I could run down to the buffet and grab some provisions to hold us over. What do you think?”

  “Sounds perfect.”

  He kissed her once more then got off the bed. She curled her body into a ball as she watched him grab some clothes and then disappear into the bathroom.

  She let out a long sigh. He was gorgeous, loving and kind. How did she get so fortunate all of the sudden? Was it possible all the awful circumstances that happened were so she could appreciate him when he came into her life, or was Jordan an answer to her daily prayer to God?

  The moment he left, Jaynee bounded out of bed and ran to the bathroom. She brushed her hair and teeth, splashed water on her face and was back under the sheet in minutes.

  Jordan returned carrying several plates: one with fresh fruit, another with different varieties of muffins and sweet rolls and still another piled with waffles and eggs. “Sorry, no Linguica…but I got a little bit of everything else.” He chuckled lightly as he set out his smorgasbord.

  After pulling the table to the bed, he sat down beside her and offered her a grape. How could she resist?

  He picked up a muffin and swallowed it in one bite. “So, what do you want to do today?” He choked as he reached for a glass of orange juice and took a sip.

  “Um…I’m not sure. Did you want to go to the beach?” She really just wanted to remain here with him. But not being from Florida, she figured he might want to see the beach in daylight.