Two Peas in a Pod

by Sarah Mlynowski

  Take that, Anisa. Have fun with your pink and blue cotton candy while I run a KINGDOM!

  I turn to Lawrence and Minerva. “Princess Abby at your service,” I say.

  I’ve been the princess of Bog for two hours and IT’S THE BEST THING EVER.

  Belly gave me an amazing shoulder massage and foot rub with lotion that smelled like vanilla and lemon.

  My hair, which was crazy curly because of the humidity, is now in sleek ringlets and coiled on the top of my head in a bun. The Bog crown, made of bamboo and leaves and dotted with green jewels, is atop my head.

  Yes, I say atop now. As royal people do.

  I also say quite. As in, I am quite relaxed.

  I follow Minerva down the grand hallway, wearing the green velvet bathrobe they gave me.

  “Now it’s time for you to pick out your dresses,” Minerva says. “As wife of the royal advisor, I wear many fancy dresses and gowns, so I’m happy to help you choose.”

  “Dresses? I need more than one?” I ask.

  Minerva nods solemnly. “You’ll need one for dinner, one for the evening activity, one for breakfast, another for lunch, another for dinner, and so on. I think you should choose twenty-five to be safe.”

  Twenty-five dresses? That’s a lot of dresses. I don’t think I even have that many pairs of underwear. In fact, I’m sure I don’t.

  Minerva stops in front of a pink-and-gold doorway.

  “This is your new room,” Minerva says, ushering me inside.

  There are a hundred mattresses piled on top of one another.

  “Minerva?” I say. “As princess, I can sleep on only ONE mattress, right?”

  “Well, of course, but here in Bog, we are mattress specialists! Without that pea, you’ll sleep like a baby from now on. Best mattresses of any kingdom, hands down. And you can sleep on one hundred of them!”

  I lift my finger. “I really just want to sleep on one. One amazing, comfortable, Bog-made mattress.”

  “Anything for our new princess,” Minerva says. “Belly! Come remove ninety-nine of the mattresses, please!”

  Belly rushes in. “Of course.”

  “Just give Belly a list of your demands,” Minerva instructs.

  Oh. I feel bad telling Belly what to do. “Really?” I ask. “I don’t want to put you out.”

  “You’re not putting her out,” Minerva says. “It’s her job!”

  Belly climbs the ladder and begins removing the ninety-nine stacked mattresses.

  Meanwhile, Minerva walks over to an enormous wardrobe and opens it. There are at least a hundred dresses inside. Wow. Also rows of shoes and jewelry boxes.

  “Pick your favorites!” Minerva says with a smile. “Whatever you like is yours.”

  I could get used to this.

  I pick dresses. I pick shoes. I pick jewelry. So pretty. So sparkly.

  Another maid, who is at least six feet tall, appears in the doorway. “Princess Abby, I’ve come for your snack order,” she says.

  “Anything you desire,” Minerva adds.

  I think for a second, then decide. “Can I have an ice cream float with double chocolate-chip ice cream and whipped cream and a cherry? No, two cherries. Three!”

  “Of course,” the maid says.

  “Can I have one, too?” Jonah asks, poking his head in the door. “Whoa. What happened to your hair, Abby?”

  “I got it done,” I say, glancing in the mirror. “Do you like it?”

  “You look like you’re about to enter a Miss America pageant.”

  “Is that good or bad?” I ask.

  “I’m not sure.”

  “Where’s your room?” I ask Jonah. He’s wearing fancy blue pants of a very soft material, and a white button-down shirt. He looks quite royal, too.

  “Just down the hall,” he says. “I still have a hundred mattresses! And did you see Prince?”

  “No. Where is he?”

  “Prince!” Jonah calls out.

  Prince scurries into my room. He now has a Bog collar made of bamboo and leaves, dotted with jewels like my crown. He’s been bathed and fluffed, and he smells like soap.

  Ruff! Ruff! he barks as I lean over and scratch behind his ears. I guess we’re all getting used to this new royal lifestyle.

  I yawn and try to cover it with my hand.

  “You must be exhausted after your terrible night’s sleep on that horrible pea,” Minerva exclaims. “Belly, is her bed ready?”

  “It is!” she says. “One mattress left!”

  “Is it fluffed?”

  Belly fluffs the pillow and turns down the blanket.

  “In you go,” Minerva says.

  I slide into the cool sheets. Ahhh.

  “Why don’t we let the princess sleep,” Minerva says to Belly, Jonah, Prince, and the super-tall maid who was taking our snack order.

  The tall maid nods. “Your Highness, we shall have your ice cream sundae waiting for you after your nap.”

  Your Highness! Ha!

  I could get used to this, I think, as I fall asleep smiling.

  After my royal nap and my royal ice cream sundae, I’m in my royal office on my royal desk chair with a padded blue royal cushion.

  “Which type of smoothie would you prefer to be served at the ball?” Minerva asks me. “Blueberry or strawberry?” She hands me a taster of each.

  I drink one. And then the other.

  “I’m not sure,” I say. “They’re both delicious. Can we offer both?”

  “Absolutely,” she says, writing something in her notepad.

  There’s a knock on the door.

  I spin around on the chair. Whee! “Come in,” I call.

  Belly enters with a tray. “Your brother said you like bagels, smoked salmon, and cream cheese, so I thought you might like that for a snack. And some chocolate milk.”

  “Yay!” I say. “All this ball planning makes a princess hungry. Thanks, Belly.”

  She curtsies and dashes out.

  How I wish I could invite my friends — and Penny — to the ball. I would LOVE to see Penny curtsy and bow before me. Ha!

  According to Minerva, we’ll be inviting royals from the closest kingdoms: Bug, Oceania, and Lagoon. The king and queen of Bug have one son — Prince Micha, whom Belly told us about. The widowed queen of Oceania has triplet baby boy princes. And the king and queen of Lagoon have two young boys as well. No princesses to be found.

  So where did the princess in the actual fairy tale come from? In the story, she just shows up in the rain. But in this story, the only girl who showed up in the rain … is me! Am I the REAL princess? No. I can’t be!

  Minerva also sent a bunch of invitations out to the villagers. Everyone is coming.

  The party is going to be AMAZING. Definitely better than a school carnival.

  There’s another knock on the door. “Come in,” I call.

  Jonah bursts in with Prince. “Abby! You have to come explore!”

  “But I love sitting on my desk chair,” I say. “It’s like a throne! Bagel crumb?” I ask, pointing at the plate.

  “Gee, thanks,” Jonah says, rolling his eyes. “But Belly made me a tuna melt. She gave me a tour of the castle, too. She showed me a secret passageway!”

  Prince looks at the crumbs longingly, and I let him have them.

  “Now that I have you both in one room,” Minerva says to me and Jonah, “it’s time for you to practice your royal waves.”

  “Okay,” I say.

  Minerva shows us how to hold up our right hands. “Excellent. Now cup your hand,” she says, “and move it gently back and forth several times.” She demonstrates.

  Jonah copies, exaggerating the move. I have to laugh.

  I practice walking up and down the carpet in my office, giving the royal wave. “Hello, my subjects,” I say, lifting my chin.

  “Fantastic,” Minerva says. “You’re a natural.”

  I nod. I quite believe I am.

  “Announcing Her Highness,” Lawrence calls later tha
t night, “Princess Abby of Bog!”

  I make my way down the grand staircase, giving the royal wave. I can barely hear a thing over the loud cheering and clapping.

  I’m wearing a royal blue floaty dress with silver sandals. Belly touched up my hair and gave me a clear manicure and pedicure. She doesn’t talk much, that Belly, but Minerva was busy catching me up on all the royal gossip. The Oceania triplet boys are all a bit wild. They insist on pretending to be dogs wherever they go, and their mother just lets them. The Lagoon family always dresses identically. And Prince Micha is the worst. Minerva admitted that Lawrence was so intent on finding a princess because he was worried that without a royal in charge, Micha would try to take over Bog.

  “My husband needs help,” Minerva admitted. “He’s getting older and he’s exhausted.”

  And now here he is announcing me. He does look tired. I see the bags under his eyes. But unlike him this morning, I’m not going to POINT THEM OUT TO HIM.

  The flash of the royal camera goes off as the royal photographer captures the moment.

  Jonah, in a fancy green suit, and Prince, wearing his royal collar, await me at the bottom. “Here she comes,” Jonah sings. “Miss America …”

  “Very funny,” I whisper.

  “Princess Abby’s coronation ceremony will take place at week’s end,” Lawrence tells the crowd. “But she has already signed an official document making her our temporary royal ruler.”

  I really did. I signed it with a royal feather and royal ink and everything. But I won’t actually be able to go through with the coronation part. At some point, the real princess is going to show up. And I’ll go home. The right thing to do would be to stop getting everyone’s hopes up and refuse to play princess.

  Yeah. I should do that. For sure.

  “Dog-in-a-blanket?” a waiter asks me, holding out a tray.

  Jonah smiles gleefully. He instructed the waiters to name the little hot dogs that. Jonah has always said that the name pigs-in-a-blanket doesn’t make any sense.

  “Mini pineapple pizza, Your Highness?” another waiter offers.

  “Yes, please,” I say, taking one. I requested those. They’re my favorite.

  Maybe I can just be a princess for a little longer.

  “Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!” bark the triplet Oceania boys. They are all on their hands and knees. Prince barks back at them playfully and they go even more nuts.

  The Lagoon family is far more refined. The king, queen, and two princes walk through the room, nodding and smiling. They are all wearing matching red tuxedos, including the queen.

  “I can’t believe Bog is famous for their mattresses,” I hear a guy behind me say, his voice snide. “The beds this kingdom makes are the WORST. Lumpy and uncomfortable. I would never sleep on a Bog bed. Never.”

  I turn around to see a boy a few years older than I am. He has blond hair to his shoulders, pale skin, green eyes, and is wearing a white-and-gold shirt tucked into preppy, white linen shorts. A silver crown is on top of his head. He’s talking to a bunch of other boys, who are hanging on his every word.

  As Belly passes by with a tray of blueberry smoothies, I whisper, “Who’s that guy?”

  She glances at him, wrinkles her nose, and whispers back, “Prince Micha of Bug.”

  Aha. I should have guessed!

  “I mean, no wonder Bog managed to find a princess with their dumb princess test,” Prince Micha goes on. “Anyone would have a horrible night’s sleep on a Bog-made mattress!” He throws back his head and laughs. His entourage laughs, too.

  “Exsqueeze me?” I say to him. “I’m Princess Abby and I had a great nap on a Bog mattress. The mattresses are the best ever!”

  “Best at being lumpy and giving nightmares, maybe,” he says with a smirk. He grabs a smoothie from Belly’s tray, downs it, and thrusts his glass back at her.

  What a jerk.

  “This party is a total bore, guys,” Prince Micha says to his people. He reaches down to scratch a mosquito bite on his leg. “Let’s go.”

  “Can I take your picture?” asks the royal photographer.

  “Take my right side,” the prince says, turning to the left. “That’s my good side.”

  The flash goes off.

  “Now let’s get out of here.” He scratches some more.

  “We don’t want you here anyway,” I say.

  Prince Micha narrows his eyes at me, scratches his leg again, and storms out.

  Something tells me I’m already on his bad side.

  The rest of the ball goes smoothly. I dance with Jonah, sample more dogs-in-a-blanket, and meet all the various members of the royal court who are in charge of important areas of the kingdom. There are a lot of people who apparently do a lot of important things. There’s the minister of villagers, who’s responsible for sharing the villagers’ concerns with the court. The minister of food and agriculture, the minister of culture, and more. The women ministers wear silver-and-purple dresses and the men ministers wear purple suits with silver sashes around their waists. I shake a lot of hands and give a lot of royal waves. Before I know it, it’s time for bed on my single mattress.

  I wake up the next morning refreshed. I stretch my arms over my head and enjoy the soft touch of the cool satin sheets on my skin. Ahhh. I had the best sleep! That awful Prince Micha is so wrong about Bog’s mattresses. A hundred of them is wonky, but one is just perfect.

  I slide out of the bed and make my way to Jonah’s room. He and Prince are staring out the window. Prince is doing his weird low growl, his ears flattened against his head.

  Grr-woof! Prince barks, then lets out a whimper-whine and puts his head down. A second later, he looks out the window again and growls.

  “What’s bothering Prince?” I ask.

  “The alligators!” Jonah says. “We saw them. They just climbed onto the bank and ran after an old man! It was crazy!”

  “Yikes,” I say. “Is the man okay?”

  “Yeah,” Jonah said. “But it was close.”

  “They need a better wall,” I say, peering out the window. “If the alligators are getting out.” I mean, it’s one thing to respect the swamp creatures, but it’s another to let them attack innocent people.

  “They really do.” Jonah smiles. “What do you have planned for today, Princess? Want to explore the castle after breakfast?”

  “Absolutely,” I say.

  We have fresh orange juice and French toast in the dining room, and then we make our way down a hallway we haven’t seen yet. The floor is marble, and watercolor paintings cover the walls. I feel a little like we’re in a museum. We pass a room on our right, and I spot Royal Advisor Lawrence bent over papers at a wooden desk, deep in concentration. Aha. We found his wing!

  “Hi, Lawrence,” I say.

  He looks up. “Princess Abby! I hope everything is to your satisfaction.”

  “Everything is great!” I say.

  “Nothing needs adjusting?” he asks.

  “Oh … um … Well, when I was looking out the window before, I noticed that some of the alligators can get over the moat wall. Maybe we can build that a little higher so the villagers don’t get hurt. Jonah said he saw a man almost get attacked earlier.”

  Lawrence smiles and walks over to me. He pats me on the head. “Oh, my dear princess,” he says. “You’re so kind to worry about the villagers. But I meant, does anything in your room need adjusting? Like the temperature?”

  “Oh. The temperature is fine. And I’m more worried about the villagers. Isn’t that part of being princess of Bog?”

  “Aren’t you just the sweetest!” Lawrence says, putting on his glasses. “Don’t you worry your pretty little head about such matters.”

  I frown. “But a higher wall would —”

  “Dear,” Lawrence interrupts, “I do believe that Minerva is having Belly set up the wading pool for you and your brother and Prince. Why not change into your swimsuits and take a nice swim? Wouldn’t you like to take a nice swim?”

>   Lawrence sits back down and focuses on the paperwork in front of him again.

  The man is clearly not interested in my opinions on Bog.

  “Come on, Abby, let’s swim!” Jonah says, pulling my arm.

  “As long as it’s not in the moat,” I grumble.

  Prince started wagging his tail at the word swim. Lucky he’s already dressed for the water.

  When we step out of Lawrence’s study, Belly is waiting for us, and escorts us back to our rooms to change.

  I find twelve bathing suits on my bed to choose from. One in every color, some striped, some flowery, some with ruffles. I choose a blue tankini with a matching ruffled skirt. Jonah comes into my room, wearing red swim trunks with little palm trees on them.

  “Can I help you with anything before I escort you all to the pool?” Belly asks.

  “All good,” I say.

  Once we get outside, I realize it’s not quite as humid today. But then I see four maids, two on each side of the patio area, fanning enormous palm fronds at the two lounge chairs by the pool.

  Their arms must totally ache.

  “Um, Belly?” I say. “Since we’re going swimming, those girls don’t need to fan us.”

  Belly motions to the maids and they put their arms down. They look relieved.

  I sit down on the padded lounge chair under a pink-and-purple umbrella. There’s a basket of stuff on a little table. Sunblock, which I slather on, flip-flops in our sizes, sunglasses, and two floppy sun hats.

  Jonah stretches out on the chair beside mine and puts on the sunblock, then chooses the aviator-style sunglasses and the big green hat. Prince laps at a bowl of water on a little mat with his name embroidered on it. The staff here sure works fast.

  From our spot, we can’t even see the moat or the snapping alligators.

  “So, Belly,” I say, “I mentioned something to Lawrence about the kingdom — about building a higher wall around the moat so the alligators don’t attack the villagers. But he kind of brushed me off.”

  “Ah,” Belly says, biting her lip. She glances around as if she’s not sure she should say anything. “Lawrence is a good person, but he’s used to running the show here in Bog.”

  “Doesn’t he want a break?” Jonah asks.