Swallow Me Whole: A Friends To Lovers Romance

by Gemma James

  She blinks the sheen from her jade eyes, then she’s laughing as she covers my mouth with hers. Relieved laughter. Happy-crazy-in-love-laughter.

  I roll us until I’m on top, and the laughter dies, replaced by moaning. We infuse everything we feel into the sweep of our tongues. At some point, she breaks away, and even though she’s pinned underneath me, the seriousness in her eyes gives me pause.

  “If you break my heart, I’m gonna break your dick, Ash.”

  “Ouch,” I say, faking a wince to hide the smile that wants to take hold.

  She socks me in the shoulder. “I mean it. Don’t you dare break my fucking heart.”

  I surround her face with my hands. “I’ve wanted this for a long time.”

  Her mouth parts in surprise. “What about all the women?”

  “None of them were you.”

  She blinks as if the passing seconds will make my declaration sink in. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “Why do you think?”

  Understanding dawns on her face. “Promise me something.”

  “Anything.”

  “No matter what happens, promise we’ll always be friends.”

  “I promise, Sawyer. You’re stuck with me.”

  We seal that promise with a kiss that turns into an epic make-out session.

  Chapter Twenty-seven

  Sadie

  Ashton’s embrace is the epitome of security, and I cling to it as doubt and fear of the what-ifs try sneaking past my happiness. I told him I wanted more. I told myself I’d try.

  Now I’m scared shitless I made a mistake.

  But God. How can I not bask in the sensation of skin on skin, or find solace in the serenity that only the stillness of night can bring? Eventually, we fall into a peaceful doze, wrapped together in the sheets in the aftermath of lust and liberty.

  Then something jerks me awake.

  I don’t know what time it is, but the hotel suite is full of inviting shadows that whisper for me to lay my head back on his shoulder and let sleep claim me. But then I hear it again. Careful not to wake Ash, I sit up, blinking grit from my eyes, and search our surroundings for…something.

  Something is making itself known, encroaching on my time in Ashton’s arms.

  It’s a vibrating pulse that goes silent, and I realize it’s a missed call. The sound goes off again, this time only once, and my attention lands on his cell on the nightstand. I grab it without thinking, and I’m about to tap him on the shoulder when I happen to glance at the screen. I do a double take since I recognize the name on the text notification pop-up.

  Corinne.

  The blonde he took to prom. The girl I spied hanging all over him last month at his house during his roommate’s drunken birthday celebration. I tamp down the jealousy threatening to rise because Ashton has never hid his manwhoring ways.

  But now those days are over. I’ve been his secret for a couple of weeks, except that’s about to change, too. We’re a thing now. He’s mine, and I’m his, and soon, everyone will know it.

  So why is this bone-jarring doubt plaguing me? With fear squeezing my heart, I don’t question the wisdom of snooping through his phone. I get his passcode right on the first try. It’s the same one he’s had for the past year, and he’s never felt the need to keep it a secret from me. Once I’m in, I pull up the message from Corrine, and my heart thuds to the bottom of my gut.

  Corrine: I need you. I’m at the ER. Something’s wrong with the baby.

  I spring up in bed so fast the room spins around me. The abrupt movement wakes Ash, and he sits up too.

  “What’s wrong?” Voice thick with sleep, he settles a hand on my shoulder.

  I turn to him, evidence of my snooping in my hand, glowing in the dark. A dead giveaway, but I don’t give a shit.

  “It’s Corinne,” I say, barely hiding the tremor in my voice.

  He flips on the lamp on his side of the bed, and his focus lands on the phone in my hand. When he flicks his gaze up to meet mine, I hate the guilt I spy there. Wordlessly, he takes the cell from me, and his mouth melts into a frown as he scans the message.

  My vocal cords are frozen. I can’t ask him what the hell is going on—all I can do is sit and watch while he calls Corinne.

  Corinne…with a baby.

  She answers, and I detect her panicked voice from where I’m sitting, naked next to Ash in the huge bed where we kissed and touched and admitted there’s something real between us. Where I fell asleep in his arms not two hours ago believing we had a future.

  I’m gulping down the pain and fighting tears as Ashton’s soothing voice fills the room.

  “Everything’s gonna be okay. I’ll be right there.” He pauses, and her high-pitched voice comes through the cell again, though I can’t make out what she’s saying. “No, just stay put. It won’t take me ten minutes, okay?”

  She says something else, and he must have convinced her since he ends the call. Then his blue eyes are on me, dark and full of guilt but also a plea.

  “Sadie,” he chokes, reaching for me.

  Before he can touch me, I scramble from the bed and search the floor for my clothes. “Just go.”

  “Goddamn it, Sadie. Don’t you dare shut me out now.”

  “Go!” I shout, launching one of his shoes at him.

  “Let me explain.”

  “You don’t have time, remember?” I find his other shoe and toss it to his side of the bed. “Ten minutes, you said.”

  Raking a hand through his bedroom hair, he exhales a long breath. “Please don’t leave like this. At least wait until I come back so we can talk about it.”

  “You should have talked to me about it earlier, before I had to find out by a stupid text.” I find my dress and pull it over my head before wedging my feet into my heels. My face is wet with tears, and I wipe them away in anger before shooting him a glare. “How could you keep something like this from me?”

  “I just found out.” He finds his jeans on the floor and tugs them up his thighs.

  “When?”

  “About a week ago.” He doesn’t look at me as he admits it, and he can’t deny he had plenty of time to tell me, especially considering where we’ve been headed. But he didn’t say a word about it, and that makes me wonder what else he’s been hiding.

  “Are you fucking her?” The thought makes me ill, and I silently beg my heart to stay in one piece as I wait for an answer I probably don’t want to hear.

  “From the minute you put your mouth on me in that damn club, I haven’t been with anyone.” He pauses, and a tightness takes hold of his features. “I tried that night, but I couldn’t do it, Sadie.”

  I don’t know what to do with that, so I focus on pulling myself together long enough to get the hell out of this hotel room, to get myself home without having a total meltdown. I grab my purse and head for the door.

  “Have you ever known me to lie?” His tone is strained with desperation, and I’m scared to look at him because I’m worried he’s on the verge of tears. I’ve never seen him cry, but I hear the shake in his voice now, the tightness of his words as if his vocal cords are trapped in molasses.

  And I’ve never known him to lie—that much is true.

  Settling my hand on the doorknob, I swallow past the lump of hurt forming in my throat. “I need some space, Ash. Just do what you need to do.” I try to leave, but he’s behind me before I get far, one palm against the door, his bare chest heating me through my dress. His presence cages me in, and I shiver, my resolve threatening to waver.

  “Sawyer, don’t go.” He nuzzles my neck, and his breath is a hot caress on my skin, an unwanted reminder of what it’s like to be close to him. “I’m afraid if you walk out that door, we’ll never fix this.”

  My throat thickens at the thought. “What if it can’t be fixed?”

  “I refuse to accept that.”

  “Maybe it’s a sign we’re better off as friends,” I say, shaking my head.

  He doesn’t speak
at first, but when he does his words send my heart into an endless tumble.

  “I’m in love with you.”

  And that’s when I feel the crack. It’s tiny, but it’s there, threatening to bust me wide open. I risk a glance over my shoulder, and it takes everything in me to ignore the temptation of his lips only inches away. His ice-blue eyes are shrouded in fear, dark lashes blinking away the pain.

  “That’s not fair, Ash.”

  “It’s the truth. Running away won’t change it.”

  “Love won’t change the fact that you have a baby mamma either.” I feel him flinch, and when I move to open the door, he doesn’t stop me. I rush into the hall and try blocking out his pleas for me to wait, but as I rush to the elevator, he’s mere steps behind me.

  “Sadie, don’t leave like this. Please.”

  I jab the down arrow. “If you care about me at all, you’ll let me go.”

  “That’s like asking me not to breathe.”

  The doors slide open, and I escape into the safety of the elevator before turning to face him. Though he doesn’t follow me inside, he’s still stopping the doors from closing by sticking his bare foot out.

  “You’re wasting time. Corinne needs you.”

  The defeat on his face as he moves out of the way almost breaks me, but I grit my teeth to keep quiet. The doors come to a close and shield me from the pain of his expression. Adrenaline is coursing through me by the time I make it to the parking garage, and that’s when everything hits me square in the chest. Tears cloud my vision as I unlock my car and slide behind the wheel.

  I know Ashton has a past. The night I saw Corinne hanging all over him, I knew he was fucking her. And a few weeks before that, it was some tall brunette girl with a shy smile. The month before that, it was another blonde.

  The amount of women he’s been with goes way beyond my fingers and toes. But to think that he got a girl pregnant and didn’t tell me about it, even after I gave him my heart…

  That’s not something I can easily ignore. The guilt on his face when I uttered her name won’t leave my mind either. He knew he was in the wrong by not telling me.

  So why didn’t he?

  So fucking stupid, Sadie.

  Maybe he would have explained if I’d given him a chance. But he’d been needed elsewhere, and I’d needed to get out of that hotel room so I could breathe again.

  So I could push down the panic clawing my gut.

  So why isn’t it working?

  Because this is Ashton, and whether I like it or not, I’m head over heels for him. As I drive down the empty road in the middle of the night, his declaration haunts me.

  He loves me.

  And I believe him.

  But that doesn’t change the fact that another woman is pregnant with his child, and I don’t know what that means for us.

  Chapter Twenty-eight

  Ashton

  I’m an asshole.

  I deserve Sadie’s anger, but acknowledging that doesn’t stop it from punching me in the gut. As I drive to the hospital, I’m plagued by the betrayal in her jade eyes as those elevator doors slid shut.

  And I’m plagued by the harsh reality of Corinne’s frantic words. She sounded so scared over the phone, and that made her situation…our situation real. And to think I avoided talking to her for a whole week after she told me the news.

  Have I mentioned I’m an asshole?

  Not even the rock music pouring through the speakers is drowning out the weight of the mess I got myself into. Fuck, I should have told Sadie. I should have done a lot of shit, like not taking the coward’s way out by avoiding Corinne. As I pull into the parking lot of the emergency room and kill the engine, I don’t know what I’m going to find beyond the front entrance.

  There’s only one way to find out, and it doesn’t involve being a coward. I make my way across the deserted parking lot and enter through the automatic sliding doors. Corinne is sitting in the waiting area. The instant she sees me, she spans the distance between us.

  Her eyes are tired and red as if she’s been crying. “Thanks for coming. My car broke down a while back, and my sister dropped me off, but she’s on the graveyard shift, so I’m stuck without a ride home.”

  “Of course. I’m glad you called. Is the baby okay?”

  And that’s the moment her pregnancy really starts to set in.

  She nods. “Can we just get out of here?”

  I dart a glance at the receptionist. “Do they need my information? You shouldn’t have to bear the financial responsibility on your own.” It’s probably too little too late, but I’m hoping late is better than never.

  “It’s been taken care of. They already discharged me.”

  “If you want them to send me the bill, I can—”

  “Ashton, it’s fine. Please, can we just go?”

  I want to argue, but the ragged lines of her face are worrisome enough that I decide getting her home is the best course of action for now. We can argue semantics later. As we walk toward my car, she peeks at me from under her long lashes, and I get the feeling she wants to say something.

  “Are you sure you’re okay?” I ask.

  “I’m fine. The baby’s fine. The doctor says I just need to take it easy for a few days and avoid stress.” She eyes me again. “Will you stay with me tonight? Just in case…I mean…” She lets out a quick breath.

  “What is it, Corinne?”

  “I’m scared I’ll start bleeding again.”

  Her words jerk the ground from under my feet. Not only is she pregnant, but she might be in danger of losing the baby. I’ve always known I wanted kids. I just never imagined it happening like this.

  But it is happening, and no matter the circumstances, there’s a fundamental part of me that wants to give this baby the kind of father I never had.

  One who sticks around for the long term—the kind of dad who puts his child before himself.

  My world seems to spin around me as I unlock the passenger side door and help her into the seat. “I’ll stay tonight, but you’re gonna be fine, okay?”

  “Thank you,” she says with a dip of her head. Her blond hair falls forward, obscuring her face. “I almost forgot…” She pulls something from her purse. “They did an ultrasound.”

  I take the black and white paper with unsteady fingers and study the image under the car’s dome light. The baby is tiny, little more than a tadpole-shape nestled in the middle of the photo.

  “Wow,” I murmur, unable to tear my gaze from the image. In the upper right-hand corner, today’s date is listed, along with Corinne’s last name. I’m holding the first tangible proof that I’m going to be a father.

  And the thought terrifies me. I’ll be responsible for another human life, a child whose heart is designed to love unconditionally. A child filled with innocence until the world teaches him or her differently.

  “It’s amazing, isn’t it?” She gazes up at me, lashes fluttering. “We made that, Ashton.”

  I’m too choked up to say anything, so I hand her the ultrasound image and close her door before rounding the hood and sliding into the driver’s seat. We spend the short trip to her apartment complex in silence. Every few seconds, I sense her watching me, but she doesn’t say anything until we’re out of the car and standing at her front door.

  “You don’t have to stay,” she says, the note of hurt in her voice apparent over the jingling of keys. “I want your support, but I’m not going to force it.”

  “I’m here, Corinne.”

  She pushes the door open, and I follow her into the apartment.

  “Are you?” Her purse and keys are dropped on a table near the entrance, then she faces me, hands on her hips. “Because it doesn’t feel like you’re here at all.”

  “I’m here, okay? I’m just…I’m still processing it all.”

  She lets out a breath of relief, but I can hardly get air into my lungs. What I don’t tell her is how I’m not ready to be a father. Not even a little. But I don
’t want her to abort, either, and if I fail to do the right thing, or say the right thing, she might consider that option.

  “I’ve just been so stressed.” She grasps my hand between both of hers. “I haven’t heard from you since I told you about the baby.”

  “I know,” I say, shame taking root in my stomach. “I’m sorry I shut you out. It was a cowardly, dick move. I wasn’t ready to face it, I guess.”

  “You’re here now. That’s all that matters.”

  I nod, my throat too thick with guilt to do much else. This is the last place I want to be right now, and Corinne isn’t the woman I’m aching for. She’s sure as hell not the woman I want carrying my child.

  “You have no idea how comforting it is to have you here.” She brushes her fingers up my forearm. “I’ve been so scared.”

  If my fear is consuming me like this, I can only imagine how she must feel. “Let’s get you in bed. Doctors orders, right?”

  “Right.”

  I usher her into the bedroom and fold down the bedding. She kicks off her sneakers, removes her jeans, and crawls in, but she grabs my hand before I’m able to pull away.

  “Will you hold me?”

  I stumble back, out of reach. “I can’t.”

  “Why not?”

  “I’ll be here for the baby, and I’ll help you with whatever you need, but I need you to know something.”

  Her eyes narrow, and gone is the scared, fragile lines of her face. “Don’t say it, Ashton. I don’t want to hear it. I can’t take the stress.”

  And I can’t foster delusions, no matter how much she might want me to. Even though I held proof of her pregnancy in my hands, there’s still a small part of me that wonders if the baby is mine, especially when she looks at me the way she is now, with calculation in her gaze.

  “I won’t lie to you, Corinne. I’m seeing someone.”

  “You’re always seeing someone. That isn’t a newsflash.” A tremor in her voice betrays her nonchalant attitude, and I’m positive she detected the truth in my words.

  I reiterate them anyway. “It’s serious this time.”

  She props herself up on her elbows and shoots a pointed glance at her flat belly. “So is this.”