by Amy Brent
I couldn't slip back down that hole.
It almost ate me alive the first time.
I rolled over and looked at the clock. Five ‘til three. I felt my eyes closing as sleep overtook my body, the darkness reaching out for me. My body settled down and the heat was finally gone. The aching between my legs had subsided and a smile crossed my face.
Finally, I could get some decent sleep.
But my subconscious betrayed me and my mind switched gears. I watched my dream unfold as I looked down into my arms. Caleb was there. He was smiling up at me with his bright blue eyes. He was giggling and cooing, blowing spit bubbles and sucking on his thumb. I sat back in a chair that magically appeared behind me, then I felt a pair of hands descend onto my knees.
Massaging them.
Squeezing them.
Warming and comforting them.
“Want me to take him?”
I looked up and saw Chris standing in front of me, his smile broad and his dimple prominent. The same smile Caleb had. The same dimple Caleb had.
The same eyes our son had.
I jolted awake again and looked over at the clock. Just before six in the morning. I sighed and flopped back down into bed, cursing myself as tears filled my eyes.
Then, I heard Caleb. He was grunting around in his bed and looking for breakfast.
This was getting out of control, and I had to put a stop to it. I had to either execute my plan or shut him out of my life altogether.
Either way, he couldn’t stay.
I couldn't keep living my life masturbating to the idea of a man that didn’t exist.
Rolling out of bed, I went to pick up my toy in the corner. I tossed it into my bathroom sink, telling myself I’d clean it off later. I splashed some water in my face to wake myself up, listening as my sweet boy’s cries began to grow. I forgot anything else as I rushed to his room, stumbling as I crashed into his door.
I was so fucking tired.
“Come here sweet boy. I’m right here, honey. Oh, did mommy’s boy wet himself too much last night? Come here, I can fix that.”
I picked Caleb up from his crib and took him over to his changing table. I undressed him and wiped him down, then grabbed some clean clothes and a clean diaper. I took him into his bathroom and set him down in a little bath time cradle, then ran some warm water over his skin. His crying subsided as I washed him down, then I watched as his eyes lit up.
His eyes that looked exactly like his father’s.
I turned off the water as tears sprang to my eyes. I picked my boy up and wrapped him in a towel, making sure he wouldn’t mess himself in the process. I put him to my shoulder and gathered his things, then made my way to the kitchen. Tears were streaming down my cheeks as I tossed his stuff onto the couch, prioritizing his need to eat over his need to be clothed.
It was happening again.
I couldn’t look at my son without a profound sadness overcoming me.
This was what that man had done to me. He had taken the joy out of my own motherhood. He’d come back into my life on the coattails of my success and fucked me over again. I cradled my son in my arms and fed him his bottle, trying to keep my eyes off of him. I didn’t want my son seeing me crying. I didn’t want his infanthood to be filled with nothing but tears from his mother.
He experienced enough of that during his first two months of life. I couldn’t allow it to happen again.
I walked him around the house as his little hands gripped tightly to my fingers. I sniffed and swallowed, trying to choke down my emotions. I couldn’t look at him. Every damn day, he looked more and more like Chris. More and more like the man I’d once loved before I had been abandoned.
Why was this happening to me? Who the hell had I pissed off so much that the world was hell-bent on ruining my life?
I sat on the couch with my son and wiped my eyes across my arm. I put on a smile and looked down at my precious baby boy, his eyes wide with happiness and twinkling with a future that still had yet to be decided. I put my nose to his and nuzzled him, watching him smile around the nipple of his bottle.
“I love you so much, you know that?” I asked.
Closing my eyes, I placed a kiss to his forehead. I allowed my lips to linger, taking in his baby soft skin and the warmth of his body. I cradled him close to me as he continued to eat. Guzzling like the growing boy he was as he tried to steady his bottle in the air by himself.
But I couldn’t detach my lips from his skin. Because even his skin felt like Chris’s.
The tears started to flow again as I held my son in our apartment. Alone on a couch, with no family in sight.
Chapter 18
Christopher
I stumbled out of bed and made my way to the bathroom. Work had been brutal the night before. Between having to find a model to replace the one that had been so sick, running late to get the show started, and the designer wanting all of us to stick around until the entire audience had left, I was exhausted. Even though I’d slept until almost eleven in the fucking morning, I still felt like shit. And the thing was, my entire night was filled with thoughts of Jessi. Thoughts of her smile and her body. Thoughts of how she caved to me and how wonderful she’d looked in that evening gown on our last date. I wanted to see her again. I knew being in her presence would help with the pounding exhaustion in my head.
And I wanted to see Caleb again, if she would let me.
I cleaned myself up with a shower and a shave. I was anxious to call Jessi and see if she had anything going on today. Having her on my mind all damn night made me miss her. It made me miss being around her and the banter we seemed to share. That connection was still there, like it had never left in the first place. I wanted to bask in it and drink it in. I wanted to spend time with her that didn’t automatically devolve into sex.
Grabbing my phone, I dialed her number as I sat on the edge of my bed. My hand was curled into the comforter as my mind hoped and prayed she’d pick up. The sun was shining bright today and I didn’t want to waste the potential. I wanted to see if she would let me come over, or at least let me take her out.
“Hello?” Jessi asked.
“Afternoon, sunshine,” I said, with a grin. “How’s your day going so far?”
“Oh, you know. Same old, same old,” she said.
“Do you have any plans for the day?” I asked.
“Why do I feel like I’m about to have some?”
“Because you will if you’re free.”
“What are these plans?” she asked.
“I figured I could take you out. Go get some lunch or take a walk around the park. If you’re not a sunshine fan, you could even come here. We could sit on the porch and watch beginner surfers nosedive into the ocean. It really is a sight to see.”
“While it sounds fun, I can’t,” she said.
“Why not?”
“I don’t have anyone to watch Caleb. My nanny’s day off is Sunday.”
“Then bring him along.”
“I can’t do that.”
“Why not?” I asked.
“I can’t just bring him to your place while we sit on your balcony. He’ll get sunburned.”
“Then we’ll sit inside. Or we’ll go get food. He eats, right?”
“Yes, my kid eats,” she said.
“Then it’s settled. Food then a walk in the park.”
“Who said anything about a walk in the park?”
“I did. Now do you want to meet me somewhere, or do you want me to pick you and Caleb up?”
“Taking him anywhere is like moving my entire apartment. I’ll meet you somewhere,” she said.
“There’s a place by the park downtown that has great sandwiches and soups. I’m sure they’ll have something Caleb can eat, too. Meet you there in thirty?”
“Make it an hour. I haven’t cleaned up today.”
“Why not? It’s almost noon.”
“The work of a single mother never stops,” she said.
“An hour
it is. I’ll see you two soon.”
I kept watching the clock as the minutes counted down. This would be a first for me. Taking a single mother out somewhere with her kid. I drove to the restaurant early and secured us a table with a high chair, but I was unsure of what Caleb would really need. All of this was so new to me, and it might all be unnecessary. For all I knew, Caleb was someone else’s son.
But there was something in my gut that told me differently.
“Well look who the cat dragged in,” Jessi said.
I smiled and stood as she carried Caleb in a car seat basket-looking thing.
“Need help?” I asked.
“Nope. I’ve got it. Thanks, though,” she said.
“You look nice.”
“Like the mom clothes? This is as good as it gets on Sundays,” she said.
“Well you still look nice.”
Her eyes flew up to mine and a small smile graced her cheeks. I watched her pick up Caleb from his car seat before she put him in the high chair. Our waiter was at our sides in the blink of an eye, taking our orders and cooing at Caleb. I got a chance to see Jessi in this mode. This motherly mode she’d been inhabiting for so many months now. The way she looked at Caleb with that sparkle in her eye was much the same way she used to look at me.
I missed her looking at me like that.
“How did you sleep last night?” I asked.
I watched Jessi tense before she gave me a wry giggle.
“It could’ve been better,” she said.
“Something happen with Caleb?”
“Why would you think that?” she asked.
“You made a comment at Justin’s about late night feedings and things. Figured it might’ve been one of those.”
“Nope. Personal problem,” she said.
“Well, I’m sorry you didn’t sleep well. I slept okay, but I still don’t feel rested. The designer for this latest show held us all up until well past midnight last night.”
“Ah, one of those designers. I hate them. I don’t know why everyone has to stick around after it’s all said and done. As if it is taboo for the models to leave before the audience does. It’s not a Broadway performance. We don’t have to greet them on their way out the door.”
“Exactly,” I said. “Designers like that are way too high strung. We should get paid double for having to stand around with our thumbs up our asses.”
“Seriously?” she asked.
I watched her nod her head to Caleb.
“Sorry,” I said. “Not used to being around kids.”
I watched her nod her head, like she was logging something away in her mind. What, did she think I wouldn’t be a good father because I hadn’t been around kids? She was acting strange. She was oddly distant. Did she not want to show affection to me in front of Caleb? Or was she testing me somehow?
The rest of lunch was like that. Except for when we talked about work, her answers were pretty clipped. She seemed relaxed when tending to Caleb, but when her attention was on me she tensed up. I wasn’t sure what I’d done, but I was determined to show her I could do this.
Maybe then she’d feel more comfortable talking to me about Caleb.
I paid for our lunch despite her protests, then we made our way out the door. She was struggling with Caleb’s diaper bag and car seat as well as having him on her shoulder. I reached down for her diaper bag to try and take it, but she pulled it away from me before I could take it from her.
“Let me help you with something. You look a bit off balance,” I said.
“I’ve got it,” Jessi said. “I’ve had it for the past eight months.”
She shrugged me off and it took me aback. She was angry. But what the hell did she have to be angry about? She was the one choosing not to identify Caleb’s father. She wasn’t going to sell me on that bullshit about not knowing who he was. She knew. I knew she did. All she had to do was tell me and we could figure this out.
But for some reason, she wouldn’t.
She popped her trunk open and tossed everything in the back. She set the car seat down onto the ground, then tried to pull out a stroller. She was stumbling on her own two feet and Caleb was unsteady on her shoulder, and before I could say anything she was falling off to her side.
I reached out and caught her around her waist, keeping her upright as my free hand flew to the back of Caleb’s head. She looked over at me as I set her back on her feet, my eyes giving her a stern glare.
“Give me Caleb,” I said. “Get yourself set up.”
She held my gaze for a long time before she finally nodded. She released Caleb into my care and I picked him up from her shoulder. I held him out in front of me before curling my arm around him, watching as he looked up at me with curious eyes.
“Well hello there,” I said. “I’ll give you back to Mommy in a second. She just needs both her hands. You know how that goes, right?”
I held my finger out to Caleb and he wrapped his entire hand around it. His tiny, delicate little hand, and it wrapped all the way around one of my fingers. I felt a kindred bond with this child. This helpless little infant in my arms. The way he smiled up at me and the way his eyes twinkled with happiness. I felt my heart swell with a pride I’d never felt before.
And the entire time, Jessi’s eyes were on us.
I bounced Caleb around in my arms as she set up the stroller. Then she quickly took Caleb from me and settled him in. It was a quiet walk to the park and I could tell Jessi was tense, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. I enjoyed being in a family dynamic like this. I enjoyed making memories like this. I didn’t have memories like this growing up. I didn’t come from a family anyone wanted to ever be a part of. But I couldn’t shake that feeling I got when Caleb was in my arms.
The feeling that I was his father.
The three of us walked around the park, and every once in a while I’d try to put my hand on Jessi’s back. But every time I did, she picked up her speed and pulled away from me. I couldn’t get a read on her. She was sending so many mixed signals it was stifling. One minute she was hell-bent on pushing me away and the next minute we were bantering like we’d never split up. One second she was reluctant to hand me Caleb and the next second she was fine with it.
I was getting whiplash from all the changes she kept making.
“Do you come here often with Caleb?” I asked.
“No. There’s a park closer to the apartment that we go to.”
“Why didn’t you tell me? We could’ve stuck closer to home,” I said.
“Didn’t cross my mind,” she said with a shrug.
The entire walk was like that. She was distant and aloof. She had no passion to talk and I had no passion to make her talk. Whatever was on her mind was weighing heavily, and I didn’t want to interrupt whatever it was she was thinking about.
After the park, we headed back to her place. I told her I wanted to make sure her and Caleb got there safe, especially with how tired she looked. She kept insisting she was okay, but I reminded her of the incident in the parking lot. I watched a spark of anger ignite in her eyes, but I didn’t back down.
And eventually, she did.
Like she always did with me.
But following them back to her apartment turned into me walking them up. And walking them up turned into me helping bed Caleb down. Then soon, the two of us were on her couch cuddling, her head on my shoulder and my arm wrapped around her soft, comforting waist.
“When he sleeps, he sleeps,” I said.
“When he was younger, I sometimes had to take him on car rides to get him to go to sleep.”
“Really?” I asked.
“Really,” she said. “He’d wake up at one in the morning and he wouldn’t go back to sleep, so I’d be driving around town with one eye open until he fell back to sleep.”
“That’s dangerous, Jessi. You need to be careful with that kind of stuff.”
“Being a mother is dangerous territory. I didn’t have any other choice.”
/> “You couldn’t ask the father for help?” I asked.
I felt her tense around me, but all I did was pull her closer.
“Stop pulling away from me, Jessi. I’m only asking because I care.”
“You don’t have to care. It’s not your job,” she said flatly.
“Then I choose to care. How about that?”
I watched her clench her jaw, but I felt her relax back into my grasp.
“What else?” I asked.
“Huh?”
“What else did you do with Caleb when he was firstborn?”
“He slept in a small crib by me until a few weeks ago, actually.”
“Sounds like a damper on the love life,” I said.
“No love life when you’re a single mother.”
“You’ve got one now,” I said.
“No I don’t.”
I furrowed my brow as I looked down at her, trying to get a read on her.
“Jessi, are you okay? Did something happen last night?” I asked.