by Blake, Leta
He touched the worn-out photos of his mother, and one of his father standing with him and Arthur, a rare day without a fight between them. Then in the very bottom of the box was a note written on a glossy page torn from a magazine.
“I’m off to the store and then to work. You looked too peaceful to wake. Sweet dreams. I love you.” Zach’s name was signed. Leith ran his fingers over the letters and wondered why he’d kept this. Was it the first time Zach had expressed his love? Was it something else? What had moved him to save this scrap of a note?
Leith sighed and put it all back in the box, flopping back on the ground again to stare at the sky and let it all soak down into his bones. After the day passed through pink morning, white noon, gold afternoon, and into an amber of twilight, Leith stood, dusted himself off, and ran a hand over his sun-burned face.
The walk into town seemed longer than the walk into the woods. He felt raw and vulnerable, and exhausted with sun exposure and dehydration. The café was one he’d been to as a kid, and when he walked in, he half expected to see the old guy named Paul behind the counter, his French accent blurring the edges of his word. But there was a young woman there instead, a blonde with brown eyes and a happy smile.
She looked familiar, and Leith recognized her as he sat at a table in the corner. They’d gone to school together. She’d dated his friend. And they’d played Seven Minutes in Heaven together when they were nine. Leith had felt her flat breasts and kissed her dry lips in Marcus Neimbaum’s closet. Her name was Eliza, and she’d been his first love Jennifer Dunaway’s best friend.
“You look like you could use a drink,” Eliza said, putting a glass of water down on his table. “Wait a minute now—Leith Wenz? Is that really you?”
Leith tried to smile and nodded his head. If it wasn’t for the water, he’d have been out the door the moment he knew who she was.
“Wow, it’s been years. You—you look good. Tired, but good.”
“Thank you,” Leith said, turning his head away and looking out the window.
Eliza sat in the empty chair across from him. “Are you here alone?”
“Looks like it,” Leith said, biting back a sharper reply.
“I’ve heard good things, Leith.” Eliza leaned forward. “Aren’t you a boxer now or something? My mother was telling me about it, how you came out and got a ton of media for it. How you were in some magazine kissing your boyfriend—”
“We broke up,” Leith said, surprised to hear the words come out of his mouth. He wasn’t even sure if they were true.
“Aw, that’s too bad.” Eliza brushed her hair out of her eyes and smiled.
“Yeah, it is,” Leith whispered.
Eliza pressed her lips together and her eyes grew empathetic. “So, what can I get you to eat? Something filling? My father-in-law makes an excellent Firehouse Chili.”
Leith wasn’t hungry, but he knew that he should eat. He had never liked chili, but it seemed like too much trouble to consult the menu. “Sounds great,” Leith said, hoping that after taking his order she’d go away.
Eliza stood up but didn’t make a move to leave. She leaned against a chair and continued, “Yeah, Adrien and I got married last year and I started working here this fall. My father-in-law was never very good with the patrons, so he’s mainly in the back now.”
Leith nodded and smiled with tight lips. He couldn’t have this conversation right now. He cleared his throat and managed to say, “Yeah,” and closed his eyes in hoping she would take the hint.
“It’s good to see you, Leith. After the…well, when you ended up in prison I was really worried about you. When my mom told me about your boxing career, it was a relief to know you’d turned your life around.”
“Thank you.” His throat felt tight, and he downed some water in several long gulps.
“I’ll get your chili,” Eliza said, and put her hand on his shoulder. “And more water.”
Leith nodded and looked out the window. The street was just the way he remembered it, houses that backed up to fields down the east side, and a row of small businesses congregating toward the west. The sun was setting now, and the sky behind the buildings looked smudged with purple and pink.
Eliza put another glass of water down on his table and left without a word, leaving Leith thankful and ashamed at his lack of social grace. She’d been a nice girl. He hoped she was happy with Adrien, who was, if he remembered, a tall guy with dark hair and thick glasses. He glanced at Eliza as she sorted menus and noticed that her breasts were far from the flat nubs he’d run his palms over.
He considered them for a moment, thinking of the fleshy weight of a woman’s breasts in his hands. He didn’t find it unarousing, and yet when he thought of Zach, with his hard, strong chest and his biceps that fit perfectly in Leith’s hands, Leith was shot through with a pang of lust. He drank more water, and watched an old lady balance several bags as she walked down the street.
The Firehouse Chili was filling, and as he finished it Eliza sat down at his table again, her eyes searching his face.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” she asked. “Do you need a ride? Or to call a friend?”
“No, thank you. I’m just…visiting.”
Eliza nodded but didn’t look as though she believed him. She put out her hand and touched the back of his. “You know, Leith, when we were teenagers, I always wished you could see past Jennifer.”
“Jennifer? Wasn’t she was your friend?”
“Yes, and she never thought much of you.”
Leith exhaled sharply. It shouldn’t have stung after all these years, but it did.
“I did, though. I thought of you a lot back then.” Eliza looked down at where her hand rested on his and pulled her fingers away, tucking her hand under the table. “I don’t know why I’m telling you. I’m happily married and you’re…gay, but I just wanted you to know that, for me, you were always the one who got away.”
Leith remembered a flash of wings as the kinglet lit into the bush. “I don’t know what to say. I’m flattered, but—”
“There’s no need for a ‘but.’ This was a confession, I guess. I just wanted you to know.”
“Okay,” Leith said, slowly. “Thank you.” He swallowed and tried to smile. “Given how things went down between me and Jennifer, maybe I would’ve been better off if I had been able to see past her.”
Eliza chuckled. “Well, her red hair was rather blinding. I had a hard time seeing past it myself.”
Leith sighed and smiled as he stood. “I should go.”
Eliza touched his arm. “Listen, if this sadness you’ve got going on is about that guy you broke up with, just…how can I say this? Well, I guess just make sure you’re not being blinded by something—red hair or I don’t know. Whatever. Okay?”
Leith swallowed hard, and then used the rest of his money paying Eliza. He thanked her again and wished her joy in her recent marriage before stepping out into the cool dark of evening. As he walked out of the café that several people were on their way in, and Eliza greeted them with a smile.
It took a while for Leith to find a phone, but he located one finally behind the supermarket where his mother had bought their groceries. He pulled the slip of paper with the number on it from his wallet and dialed. He slumped against the booth when the voice at the other end was who he wanted to reach.
“Hey, it’s Leith. Will you come and pick me up?”
“I asked Ava to wait in the car,” Marian said, crossing over to the swings in the darkness and squeezing into the one next to Leith. “I wanted to talk with you alone.” She tugged at a piece of her afro, pulling the hair taunt before it bounced back gently.
Leith kicked at the dirt and pushed himself back and forth a little. “Thanks for coming for me. You didn’t have to do that.”
Marian looked at him as though he’d lost his mind. “Yeah, I’m going to leave my friend stranded miles from home with no money. Leith, we were all freaking out. None of us knew where you’d gone. Art
hur…Zach…they were both worried out of their minds.”
Leith softly snorted. “I’m sure Arthur knew I’d turn up.”
“Yes, he thought you took off to the woods, but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t pacing our living room all night debating whether he should try to file a missing person report. We were all pretty scared. You disappeared late with no note and no phone call. You didn’t even take your cell phone. Anything could have happened to you.”
“Marian, I can take care of myself. You didn’t have to worry.”
“Well, we did. Yeah, sure you can take care of yourself. You’re just stranded that’s all. Stranded in the middle of…where are we, exactly?” Marian asked, looking around. “I mean, I know where we are, but where are we?”
“Where I grew up.” Leith looked around. “I played on this playground. I went to that school. That was the field I played football on, and got my ass kicked by a bully. It’s why I started boxing. Well, that and my father wanted me to learn.”
Marian sighed. “Leith, you could’ve left a note.”
“Yeah, I could have, but I didn’t want to.”
“That was pretty selfish of you.”
Leith glowered. He wanted to say something hurtful back, but he just clenched his teeth together and gripped the ropes of the swing tighter.
Kicking herself off into some shallow swings, Marian said, “Zach’s a mess right now.”
Leith went tense all over. There was a reason he hadn’t called Zach. He wasn’t ready to talk with him yet. “This isn’t about him.”
“Come on, Leith,” Marian scoffed. “It’s about him.”
Leith said nothing and kicked his swing high into the air, feeling the rush of wind gliding past him. Marian hopped out of her swing and stood in front of him, forcing him to a sudden stop.
“I told you before that he was devastated after your injury.”
“Yeah, so?”
“I didn’t exaggerate. I don’t think there are words for what he went through.”
“I don’t want to hear about this shit,” Leith growled, stumbling a bit out of the swing. Marian’s hand was surprisingly strong when she grabbed his arm.
“You’ve got to hear it, Leith, Imagine it. Take some time and really think it over, okay? In a very real way, you died that day. Sure, your heart kept beating, and you kept breathing, and God knows we’re all grateful for that, especially Zach. But he lost his partner that day. His best friend—the man he loved.” Marian was earnest and serious as she gazed up at him. “Do you understand that?”
Leith stared into her dark eyes, feeling their intensity burn into him. He took some shaking breaths before looking at the tree-lined horizon, seeking something there to hold him to the earth.
“Can you really blame him?” Marian went on. “For looking for solace in the wrong place? Just once, Leith. And that nearly wrecked him too. I saw him after it was over, and he was a mess. A total mess. I had to come visit you the next day instead of him because he could barely hold himself together.”
“Good,” Leith heard himself say in a hard, cruel voice, and he was surprised by it. He wasn’t sure he even meant it.
“No, Leith. It’s not good. He felt guilty, like he’d betrayed you, and you couldn’t even remember him. Do you understand, Leith? Can you imagine it? Put yourself in his shoes. Can you truly blame him? He thought he was nothing to you. That all you’d had was dead. You have to understand.”
“No, you have to understand. I’m at his mercy. He holds all the fucking cards. He knows everything about me and I don’t know him at all. He fucked that guy. Who else? How many times? For all I know he’s been fucking around on me even when I was…when I was the me before the accident.”
“No, Leith. No. Zach’s not like that. You have so much more power over him than you know.”
“How do I know what Zach’s like? How do I know what you’re like?” Leith choked and covered his mouth with his hand. He closed his eyes, shutting out the sky, the grass, the trees, and Marian’s sincere face.
Marian stroked down his arm and took hold of his hand, squeezing it as they stood there. “I’m your friend and some deep down part of you recognizes that because when you needed someone to come get you, you called me. Not Arthur, not Ava, and not even Zach. You trust me, Leith, and that’s because I’m trustworthy. And I’m telling you, so is Zach.”
“I invested everything in him,” Leith whispered.
“And that trust wasn’t misplaced. I promise you that, Leith. You aren’t powerless here and you can believe in Zach.”
Leith swallowed hard and bit his cheek to keep back his emotions. He was tired and raw. He was more exposed than he’d ever felt before, as though everything that was important to him was out on the table for the world to see.
“Let’s go home,” Marian said. “Come on, Leith, it’s time.”
Nodding, Leith let her lead him to the car, where Ava waited with glistening eyes and a worried frown as she twisted a hunk of her blond hair around her finger.
Leith slept listlessly in the backseat of Ava’s car, his head rolling awkwardly on the headrest. Trees and cars flashed by the window in a strange, surreal tempo that mixed in his dreams.
Tree, tree, tree, car, car, tree. His mother singing softly by a flowing river, and Zach splashing out of the water as his mother dissolved in front of him. Car, car, car, tree, tree, trees in a clump, car, his father slapping Arthur on the back and then laughing about something Leith couldn’t hear, but his heart swelled at the joy on his father’s face.
The whir of the tires, the rush of a truck beside them, and then tree, tree, tree, car, car, car, clump of trees, two cars, and Zach sitting by a campfire with his shirt off, looking at him with big, emotion-filled eyes. Leith woke with his cock half hard and his hands shaking.
Ava and Marian talked in low tones in the front, and Leith was thankful they left him alone for the most part. Drifting in and out of sleep, he woke fully only when he saw the lights of the high rises as they entered the city. He forced himself to sit up as far as he could without hitting his head on the low ceiling of the car.
They drove past the boxing club, and Leith clasped his fingers together, thinking of taped hands, the scent of sweat, and the satisfaction of a punch well-landed. Boxing was it for him, and he knew he’d always go back to it, though he had to accept that he’d never remember his finest hours.
He’d lost those for good, never to be recaptured, because as they drove the waking streets of the city, he accepted once and for all that he’d never box competitively again. He was too slow, and it was too dangerous. Life moved on, and he was caught up in it, no matter what Dr. Thakur had said about swimming against the current.
Sometimes it took divine courage to let go and end up in an ocean of the unknown.
Letting the car carry him onward, he closed his eyes and tried to relax his body. He thought of the sea—of water that stirred slowly deep below the surface and drove the currents that traveled the globe.
He understood the water’s motion, felt it within himself, and while his conscious mind yearned for a narrative to cling to—something predictable like the endless rise and dip of waves visible on the surface—he was only comfortable when following the commands of the deep currents within him. And they all flowed back to Zach.
Opening the door to the apartment, he didn’t know what he was going to say to Zach. But as it turned out, there was nothing to say. The apartment was still and silent, and when Leith stepped into his room, sensing Marian and Ava entering behind him, both measuring his reaction, he saw immediately what Zach had done.
“Where did he go?” Leith asked, his throat tight.
“To his sister’s,” Ava replied, her blue eyes wide with earnest empathy.
Leith bit his lip and turned his back to them, looking at the bare places where Zach’s things had been. “He’s gone? Just like that?”
“No, not just like that,” Marian said, impatience bleeding into her tone. “
He’s been through a lot, and it’s been mounting for a long time. It’s taken a toll on him.”
“Yeah,” Leith whispered. “I get that.”
“And he isn’t gone,” Ava said, taking hold of Leith’s arm gently. “He’s just at Maddie’s right now because he didn’t know if he should be here when you got back. You made it clear to Marian you didn’t want to see him right now.”
“He didn’t move out?” Leith asked.
“Of course not. His things are just down the hall in his old room.”
Leith nodded, feeling a crazy urge to stalk down the hall and grab everything and bring it back. He sat on his bed instead, his elbows on his knees, staring blankly ahead.
Not too long ago he’d been in prison, and now it was three years later and he was in love with a stranger. He’d lost his father—and his mother all over again. There were two other strangers standing his room, looking at him with affection and love, and he didn’t know what the fuck to do about any of it.
The glance exchanged between Ava and Marian made Leith nervous. “What?” he asked. “What aren’t you telling me?”
Ava’s face pinked. “Well, we didn’t know if we should…I’m not sure we’re even supposed to know about it, but… Sit at your desk. We want to show you something on your computer.”
Leith didn’t know if he wanted to see whatever they had to show him. They both seemed anxious, and suddenly Leith’s mind was filled with crazy ideas and he wondered if they were going to show him some kind of porn Zach had starred in. His stomach clenched into knots and he felt like he might throw up.
“It’s nothing bad, Leith.” Ava gave him a smile. “I promise.”
“It’s just something that might help you understand Zach a bit better.” Marian took his hand and pulled him up from the bed.
Leith allowed himself to be maneuvered into his desk chair. He sat there, his heart racing and his gut twisting.
Ava leaned over and typed something into the address bar. “Oh, he made a new one after you ran off. But you need to start at the beginning. Here, let me show you…”