The Darwin Awards Next Evolution: Chlorinating the Gene Pool
Page 3
—Isaac Asimov
Darwin Award: Weight Lift
Confirmed True by Darwin
27 JULY 2007, GUADALAJARA, MEXICO
Twenty-four-year-old Jessica was working out in the Provincia Hotel’s gym when she realized she needed something from the floor below. Instead of picking up the phone, using the intercom, or just walking downstairs, she decided that the open shaft of the industrial lift was the communications device for her.
So Jessica stuck her head into the empty shaft to shout to the people downstairs. And somehow she missed noticing that the elevator was coming up toward her. If the elevator had been going down, one could say that she was in no position to observe the approaching lift. But, leaving aside the stupidity of sticking your head into an elevator shaft, how could she miss the mass of metal inexorably headed her way?
Since an elevator cage and a skull are both solid objects, one had to give. Let’s just say the elevator won. Jessica will be missed by her family, but not by the gene pool.
Reference: oem.com.mx and eyewitness account
Reader Comments:
“Talk about a brainless fool!”
“Going up?”
Darwin Award: Pushmi-Pullyu
Confirmed True by Darwin
4 APRIL 2007, GERMANY
Around midnight a forty-nine-year-old man attempted to impress his wife with his unbelievable strength. He climbed over the balcony of their seventh-floor flat, clung to the outside of the parapet, and began a set of pull-ups. After a few pull-ups, which were undoubtedly impressive, his sedentary lifestyle began to take its toll. His muscles lost strength, and he was unable to lift himself back onto the balcony. He eventually fell seven stories (eight if you include the ground floor) and impaled himself on a thornbush. Ouch! The official verdict placed the blame squarely and pointedly on the macho showmanship of the deceased.
* * *
The pushmi-pullyu is a fictional Doctor Dolittle animal with two heads at opposite ends of its body. When it tries to move, both heads pull in opposite directions.
* * *
9 OCTOBER 2007, OHIO
* * *
“Attempting to impress the lady, he began a set of pull-ups.”
* * *
The German man is not alone in his efforts to impress a woman. An eighteen-year-old was lured by the siren song of the guardrail onto his girlfriend’s eleventh-floor balcony. Attempting to impress the lady, he, too, began a set of pull-ups, only to lose his grip and plummet eleven stories (ten if you omit the ground floor) to land facedown in the parking lot. The Ohio coroner was more charitable than his German counterpart. This death was ruled accidental.
Reference: presseportal.de, The Plain Dealer
Reader Comment:
“Best way to get rid of the unwanted hubby.”
Darwin Award: Rock Out
Confirmed True by Darwin
17 NOVEMBER 2006, SINGAPORE
Rock and roll will never die.
Picture a college dorm room. Dirty laundry, sexy posters, food wrappers, textbooks, and in the middle of it all, a sixteen-year-old male rocking out to loud music. A typical student, a typical day. But this particular student, rocking out on his air guitar, was about to “take things too far” according to the coroner’s report.
Li Xiao, a student at the Hua Business School, bounced up and down on his bed with such enthusiasm that he rocked himself right out of the third-floor window.
Normally the windows are locked, but students reportedly force the locks so they can sneak a cigarette. Perhaps alluding to Ted Nugent’s rock song, the court ruled it a case of “death by misadventure.”
Reference: The Straits Times, Channel 9 News Australia, Reuters, etc.
Reader Comments:
“Did he dive into an imaginary mosh pit?”
“Air Guitar Disaster”
“Oingo Boingo”
Darwin Award: High on Life
Confirmed True by Darwin
3 JUNE 2006, FLORIDA
Take a deep breath…. Two more candidates have thrown themselves into the running for a Darwin Award. The feet of Jason and Sara, both twenty-one, were found protruding from a huge, deflated helium advertising balloon. Jason was a college student, and Sara attended community college, but apparently their education had glossed over the importance of breathing oxygen.
* * *
When one breathes pure helium, the lack of oxygen in the bloodstream causes a rapid loss of consciousness. Some euthanasia experts advocate the use of helium to painlessly end one’s life. At least Sara and Jason went peacefully.
* * *
A family member said, “Sara was mischievous, to be honest.” The pair pulled down the eight-foot balloon and climbed inside for a breath of helium goodness. Their last words consisted of high-pitched, incoherent giggling, as they slowly passed out and passed into the hereafter.
Sheriff’s deputies said the two were not victims of foul play. They climbed into the balloon of their own volition, and no drugs or alcohol were involved.
Reference: The Tampa Tribune, The St. Petersburg Times, CNN
Darwin Award: The Alchemist
Confirmed True by Darwin
10 DECEMBER 2007, RUSSIA
As a child Sergei promised his grandmother, “I will establish for you the elixir of immortality! I want you to live forever.” As an adult we find Sergei sitting in his college biology class, licking potassium cyanide off his palm. He had found that magic elixir! He swallowed poisons daily, to strengthen his body and protect himself from death. He regularly consumed small quantities of toxic mushrooms, arsenic, and cyanide salts, and urged others to join him. During daring nighttime excursions Sergei often said, “I shall not die. I have swallowed poison for years and today nothing can kill me.”
After swallowing the cyanide he began to feel ill and asked his classmates to fetch some water. But instead of drinking plain water, he dissolved the rest of the cyanide powder in it and consumed the solution. Sergei was an intelligent student, interested in chemistry and anatomy. He had earned a gold medal and had been accepted into both the Medical Academy and the Ural State University. But Sergei’s scientific premise was flawed.
* * *
“I have swallowed poison for years and nothing can kill me.”
* * *
Instead of immortality he had discovered the elixir of mortality. He went into convulsions, slipped into a coma, and died without regaining consciousness. His father praised Sergei as a gifted chemist who died for the sake of science.
Reference: news.rin.ru, news.mail.ru
Darwin Award: Faithful Flotation
Confirmed True by Darwin
AUGUST 2006, LIBREVILLE, GABON
During an impassioned sermon a congregation was surprised to hear their thirty-five-year-old pastor insist that one could literally walk on water, if only one had enough faith. His words were big and bold. He extolled the heavenly power possessed by a faithful man with such force that he may well have convinced himself.
* * *
A related tale from a reader in Palorca, Portugal: “I met an elder villager who once tried to walk on water. He strapped small floaters to his feet. He floated, all right, but upside down, head submerged. He was rescued by the spectators.”
* * *
Whether or not he believed in his heart, his speech left room for only shame should he leave his own faith untested. Thus, the fiery pastor set out to walk across a major estuary, along the path of a twenty-minute ferry ride. Even though he could not swim.
Lacking the miraculous powers of David Copperfield, let alone Jesus Christ, this ill-fated cleric found only a damp Darwin Award at the end of his chosen path.
Reference: World Net Daily, fr.news.yahoo.com
Reader Comments:
“In faith all things are possible…. NOT!”
“If only the TV preachers would give it a try.”
“The faithful may drink the water, the foolish will drown in it.”
“An idea that didn’t float!”
Darwin Award: Whitewater Floaters
Confirmed True by Darwin
5 NOVEMBER 1995, ARKANSAS
Tenacity is often advantageous to an organism. Combine tenacity with a lack of common sense and an excess of bravado, however, and the trait may prove deleterious.
An unprecedented ten inches of rainfall had flooded Arkansas rivers over their banks. Stephan, twenty-seven, thought that this was the perfect time to tackle Big Piney Creek, a challenging whitewater run even at normal water levels. Dressed in overalls and a sweat suit, and notably lacking a life vest, Stephan set out with three friends and two rafts “of the type obtained by sending in Marlboro cigarette packs.”
Only a dose of common sense stood between Stephan and glory.
En route to the Big Piney put-in, the four men were stalled at a bridge over Indian Creek. The water was flowing three feet over the bridge, and they could not drive any farther. A crowd of experienced whitewater paddlers had gathered there to pay respectful homage to the freakishly high water. This benevolent group implored the foolhardy party to desist. They warned the men that Indian Creek courses through two miles of dangerous willow jungle before joining Big Piney.
* * *
“Only a dose of common sense stood between Stephan and glory.”
* * *
But the men would not listen to reason. They climbed into their lightweight rafts, put in, and immediately capsized. Undeterred by continuing pleas from experienced paddlers, undaunted by the dunking, the men launched again. They managed to stay on the surface for two hundred yards before capsizing downstream.
At this point one man realized he was fighting a losing battle. He bowed out and hiked back to the bridge. Two other men climbed back into their raft, and Stephan decided to venture onward solo in his raft. A half mile later the flotilla had a close encounter with a tree across the stream, and both rafts capsized.
A search party located Stephan’s body later that day.
In the final analysis “these inexperienced and ill-prepared paddlers ignored warnings from a group of obviously knowledgeable paddlers. The absence of a life vest was probably the [second most] significant error.” Despite warnings, despite seeing the cold water flowing menacingly over a bridge, and despite capsizing—Stephan chose to tackle this hazardous river. His tenacity was selected against, removing him from the gene pool.
In conclusion, “Warning unprepared floaters can be unproductive, but it is worth a try.”
Reference: AmericanWhitewater.org
At Risk Survivor: Mushroom Man
Confirmed True by Darwin
4 NOVEMBER 2007, SPAIN
The warning read, “Ingestion of twenty grams is potentially lethal,” but a visitor to the mycological conference in the village of Badajoz disagreed with the official assessment of Amanita phalloides, commonly known as the death cap mushroom.
* * *
Mushrooms evolved toxins as a defense against predators, and A. phalloides is the most lethal toadstool of all. The death cap is the culprit behind the majority of mushroom poisoning deaths; its victims may include Roman Emperor Claudius and Holy Roman Emperor Charles VI. Many of its biologically active agents have been isolated. The principal toxin is alpha-amanitin, which damages the liver and kidneys, often fatally. No antidote is known for the toxin, nor for the stupidity of this “mycological expert.”
* * *
Forty-five-year-old Jesus knew mushrooms. He had spent the past few days collecting and exhibiting mushrooms. He began arguing with conference attendees, and to prove his point he picked up the display specimen and began chewing on half of it. Aghast onlookers begged him to spit it out but he calmly finished chewing, swallowed, and went on to consume the remaining half of the poisonous basidiomycete fungus.
Jesus, clearly under the influence of alcohol, insisted that the next few hours would prove who was right and who was wrong. Indeed they did. An ambulance was summoned, and despite heated opposition, a friend finally convinced the amateur mycologist to get into the ambulance.
It was lucky that his friend was persuasive. Once in the hospital Jesus started to show the typical signs of death cap poisoning: bloating, jaundice, and continuous vomiting. He spent two days in the intensive care unit before being transferred to a standard hospital bed.
* * *
“He is still convinced that the mushroom is harmless.”
* * *
The mayor of the town paid a visit to the foolhardy mycologist in the hospital. Although the man was aware that his liver showed extremely high levels of transaminase, an enzyme produced when the liver has to process toxic substances, he told the mayor that he was still convinced that the mushroom is harmless. Maybe a second try will make him a worthy Darwin nominee.
Reference: El Mundo newspaper (Spain), www.20minutos.es
Reader Comment:
“Liver Die.”
At Risk Survivor: Splitting Headache
Unconfirmed
SEPTEMBER 2007
Darwin says: “This is my favorite story!”
A man was splitting seasoned wood early one autumn in preparation for the quickly approaching winter. One after another he would drive his sharp ax through a log, then toss the split wood onto the pile. He was making light work of the logs when he came to one with a particularly large diameter.
Feeling overzealous, he decided to split the log anyway. He lined up his shot and brought the ax down dead-center, only to bury the blade deep in the girthy log without splitting it. With a swift action he jerked up on the handle to free the ax for another swing. His doing so made the log scoot forward about a foot before the ax broke free.
* * *
“He was relentlessly determined to split the unsplittable log.”
* * *
Rather than move the heavy log back into place the man stepped forward a foot to take another swing. The second swing met with the same result as the first, as did the third attempt, the fourth, and so on. In his relentless determination to split the unsplittable the man did not notice that he and the log had traveled some twenty-five feet across the yard and were now positioned beneath the clothesline.
As he brought the ax down for another whack at the log, the ax head caught the clothesline, which acted in the same manner as a bowstring. The ax had barely touched the top of the log when the clothesline reached its maximum draw, propelling the ax head back toward the man at an ungodly velocity. It found its mark right between his eyes.
Fortunately, the blunt side of the ax head made contact, and rather than killing him, it merely collapsed his sinus and fractured his skull. He recovered and learned a very important lesson: Always be aware of your surroundings when hurling a sharp object through the air with great force.
Reference: Eyewitness account by an anonymous informant, who says
“I know this story to be true because the man of whom I speak…was me.”
Reader Comments:
“Ax how it’s done.”
“Talk about an ax-ident…”
“Don’t ax, don’t tell.”
At Risk Survivor: Gag Reflex
Unconfirmed
12 AUGUST 2004
A story to make parents shudder…
Friends were hanging out in the basement, joking around and playing video games. Matt was irritable that night. He chose to deal with the situation by threat. If certain named people did not stop bothering him, he said as he loaded his Tippmann 98 Custom paintball gun, he would shoot them.
* * *
A reader named Jason says, “I can confirm that the uvula does not grow back. I had a uvuloplasty, a total removal of the uvula for the dual purposes of opening the airway for sleep apnea patients and reducing or curing snoring.” Reader Chris says, “I know from firsthand experience that the uvula does not grow back. When I was twelve, a surgeon got my uvula stuck in the suction tube. His solution was to cut it off. I am twenty-seven now and still no new
uvula.”
* * *
Matt assured everyone that the safety was on, and he would not shoot unless provoked. Yet, oddly, one friend was not reassured. He jumped on Matt and wrestled for the gun. Matt threw him aside, and (as he later explained) to prove the safety was on, he opened his mouth, inserted the barrel of the paintball gun, and pulled the trigger.
His eyes widened as the paintball fired into his throat at three hundred feet per second. He fell to his knees coughing blood but refused to let anyone call an ambulance. Trouble with parents would surely result! Yet his throat was so swollen that he had difficulty breathing.
* * *
“He refused to let anyone call an ambulance.”
* * *
After two hours Matt recovered long enough to kick everyone out and suffer in private. He couldn’t eat for three days and couldn’t talk for a week. Once he was able to open his mouth, he realized he had blown his uvula clean off. It was gone! And he had no gag reflex either.