The Darwin Awards Next Evolution: Chlorinating the Gene Pool

by Wendy Northcutt

  Controversy

  The field of human evolution is a minefield of contentious opinions. Since the subject of human origins is emotional, bragging rights over who has discovered our oldest direct ancestor (the legendary missing link) can bring fame if not fortune to the discoverers. New discoveries and potentially new species can upset long-held views that earlier researchers had developed careers and reputations on. Thus, the Hobbit discovery was quickly dismissed by some paleoanthropologists as improbable. Perhaps they are the remains of modern humans suffering from micro-cephaly, a genetic disorder that causes a skull deformity and mental retardation. Others have suggested that the remains represent modern humans suffering from a deficiency in iodine and selenium, and a diet of cyanide-rich foods such as cassava.

  These notions have been dismissed by the Australian team who discovered the fossils. The detractors did not have access to the original fossils or casts, and they contended that it is not credible that a group of physically and mentally deformed people survived and successfully hunted game for nearly a hundred thousand years.

  * * *

  Island Dwarfism

  In an isolated environment with limited resources the slow scalpel of natural selection speeds to a ruthless blur. Large social mammals such as mammoths or rhinoceroses grow smaller because the efficiency of small size offers a powerful adaptive advantage. Conversely, small animals such as birds, lizards, and rats may become quite large without the selective pressure of traditional predators. Which animals will grow large or shrink depends on a complex combination of factors.

  * * *

  Mike Morwood cites the principle of island dwarfism to explain the small size of the fossils. Once on the island the isolated population would have begun to evolve along its own trajectory, guided by regional conditions. One of these changes was shrinkage in their physical stature. On the island of Flores island dwarfism also affected a species of elephant that shrank in size and a species of rat that grew larger.

  Sadly, the Hobbit remains were caught up in a petty dispute by anthropologists who disagreed with Morwood’s interpretation. When the specimens were recovered, key pelvis and jawbones were damaged and contaminated with modern human DNA.

  With many questions still unanswered, public interest waned.

  * * *

  Controversy over early hominid remains have a long association with Indonesia. Java Man, cousin to Peking Man, was found in 1891 on the Indonesian island of Java by the Dutch physician Eugène Dubois. On returning to Europe he exhibited his finds, claiming he had found the “missing link” between humans and apes. However, Dubois’s claims were not widely accepted. He became resentful and eventually refused to show the fossils to anyone.

  * * *

  Another Dwarf Hominid!

  Then lightning struck again! In 2008 on the island nation of Palau, not far from Flores, another group of dwarf hominids was unearthed. The “Palau Pygmies” appear to be anatomically much closer to modern humans than the comparatively small-brained Hobbits from Flores. They were also tiny—a little over one meter tall and weighing roughly seventy pounds. Even more stunning, the new remains date back only a couple of thousand years! Based on the limited information released to date our genetic cousins may have been running around on one side of the world, while the Roman Empire rose and fell on the other.

  The Profound Question of Humanity

  Both discoveries bring up profound questions about what it is to be human. Today we struggle with the definition of human life at a fundamental level. Rival camps argue whether a fetus, a blasto-cyst, or a fertilized egg should be guaranteed the full rights of a person. What if creatures similar to the Palau Pygmies and Flores Hobbits are found to exist in isolated jungle pockets? Should they be displayed in zoos? Put to medical or experimental uses? Protected in their native environment as rare and endangered species? Liberated from their stone age existence? And what if the Flores Hobbits evolved from modern humans, as some researchers suspect? That would make Homo sapiens the transitional species.

  Paradoxically, answering the question of whether the Hobbits and Palau Pygmies are human might teach us more about our own humanity than the humanity of the island dwarves.

  Additional Reading:

  Morwood, Mike, and Penny van Oosterzee, A New Human: The Startling Discovery and Strange Story of the “Hobbits” of Flores, Indonesia. New York: HarperCollins, 2004.

  Wong, Kate, 2006. The littlest human. In Becoming Human: Evolution and the Rise of Intelligence. Scientific American Special Edition. Vol. 16, No. 2: 48–57.

  Tom Arnold (no Roseanne jokes, please, I’ve heard them all) has a Ph.D. in archaeology from Simon Fraser University. Tom currently lives in London, Ontario, Canada, trying to earn a living working in consulting archaeology. His aged mother would like him to find a real job/career whenever he decides to grow up.

  CHAPTER 8

  ANIMAL ANTICS

  We may think we rule the planet, but Mother Nature is the real boss. Tigers, cows, moles, bears, rabbits, fish, elephants, bees, buffalo, snakes, sharks, a dog, and a deer…animals can, and do, use their instinctive wiles to “out” clueless Homo sapiens. Moo!

  Darwin Award: Kittie Toy

  Confirmed True by Darwin

  18 DECEMBER 2005, SOUTH AFRICA

  Two muggers were working a crowd at the zoo. They had just taken a cell phone and purse from a couple at knifepoint when suddenly, the woman screamed. The muggers sprinted away.

  But working a crowd and working out are entirely different activities, and one of the muggers was out of shape.

  * * *

  “I don’t have to outrun that tiger; I just have to outrun you.”

  * * *

  As he watched his compatriot recede into the distance, he felt the stitch in his side and knew he could run no farther. Perhaps he was thinking he should have spent some of those ill-gotten gains on a trip to the gym. But then he spotted a high fence, and that, at least, he could manage.

  He put on a burst of speed and leapt the fence. Sure enough, no one followed. Escape! But he had failed to take into consideration a very important fact. He was at the Bloemfontein Zoo. Just as he was congratulating himself on his foolproof escape, he realized that on the other side of the fence was a ten-meter drop into a cage of bored Bengal tigers.

  Speaking of foolproof, the tigers wasted no time in treating the nearest fool as their own little kitty toy. The mauled body of the mugger was not noticed until noon. A zoo spokesperson said that it was lucky the tigers had been fed the previous afternoon, else they would have left no evidence behind.

  Police said a postmortem would be carried out to determine the exact cause of his death—as if that wasn’t obvious.

  Reference: Die Volksblad, news24.com

  Reader Comment:

  “Crime pays for the tigers’ just desserts.”

  “Such as his life such was his end.”

  —Corgrave’s 1611 French/English Dictionary

  Darwin Award: Whac-A-Mole

  Confirmed True by Darwin

  10 JANUARY 2007, EAST GERMANY

  A sixty-three-year-old man’s extraordinary effort to eradicate moles from his property resulted in a victory for the moles. The man pounded several metal rods into the ground and connected them—not to household current, which would have been bad enough—but to a high-voltage power line, intending to render the subterranean realm uninhabitable.

  Incidentally, the maneuver electrified the very ground on which he stood. He was found dead some time later, at his holiday property on the Baltic Sea. Police had to trip the main circuit breaker before venturing onto the property.

  The precise date of the sexagenarian’s demise could not be ascertained, but the electric bill may provide a clue.

  Reference: Der Spiegel (Germany), Reuters (Berlin)

  Reader Comment:

  “Think this would work for squirrels?

  I wouldn’t have a problem with them anymore.

  I wouldn’
t have a problem with anything.”

  Darwin Award: Beer for Bears

  Confirmed True by Darwin

  19 AUGUST 2007, SERBIA

  It’s well known that alcohol impairs judgment. It’s well known that carnivorous wild animals and humans don’t mix. What happens when we combine all three? One might expect men, beer, and bears to combine with lethal consequences. Such was the case for a twenty-three-year-old man who inadvertently fed himself to Masha and Misha at the Belgrade Zoo.

  The zoo director said of the incident, “Only an idiot would jump into the bear cage.”

  * * *

  The zoo director said, “Only an idiot would jump into the bear cage.”

  * * *

  The man’s naked, mauled corpse was found inside the bear habitat, along with plenty of beer cans. His clothes were completely untouched, suggesting that he approached the bears bare-naked by choice. The bears, apparently fearing that his intentions were as dishonorable as they were ill-informed, meted out a summary justice.

  Later, Masha and Misha “reacted angrily” when keepers tried to recover the man’s corpse, but were eventually persuaded to give up their bare prize. We await word on how many beers were bartered for the body.

  Reference: CNN, Reuters

  Reader Comments:

  “Today’s the day the teddy bears have their piiiiic-nic.”

  “Guess the guy misunderstood when his friend said,

  ‘Hey, man, go git us a couple of dem beers.’”

  “Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible. If you put a large switch in a cave somewhere, with a sign saying END OF THE WORLDS WITCH—PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH, the paint wouldn’t even have time to dry.”

  —Terry Pratchett, Thief of Time

  Darwin Award: A Cow-ardly Death

  Confirmed True by Darwin

  19 APRIL 2007, CAMBODIA

  Unwanted amorous advances on a heifer resulted in a man’s death at the hooves of the violated bovine. Sounds of a scuffle culminated in the discovery of his naked body lying beneath the frightened family cow. Injuries were consistent with being kicked to death.

  Why did he do it?

  The man’s divorce had become final ten days prior to his fateful final fling. In the divorce, and also a previous one, his ex-wives cited his insatiable desire as the cause of the divorce.

  Phnom Penh police concluded that the man died in a rape gone wrong. They do not plan to take action against the cow, which appeared to have been acting in self-defense.

  Reference: iol.co.za, Sapa-DPA

  Reader Comments:

  “That man loves his beef.”

  “No bull.”

  “Cow—boy.”

  “One last ride.”

  “A different way of ‘getting the milk for free.’”

  Darwin Award: Wascally Wabbit

  Unconfirmed

  Snowmobiles and alcohol are a dangerous mix. Then came the rabbit.

  After a day spent partying and racing snowmobiles in the wilderness, a group of snowmobilers were headed back to their cabin, when up popped a jackrabbit! They gave chase. Several collisions were narrowly averted, so all the snowmobiles backed off…except one.

  This snowmobiler kept his eye on the quarry and rapidly closed in. The rabbit darted aside to save itself. The snowmobiler closed in again. The rabbit ran toward the road, where there was less snow. Trying to ram his rabbit before it crossed the road, the man accelerated to Mach 1.

  But the rabbit had other ideas. It darted into a culvert beneath the road. Witnesses stated that the snowmobiler never even braked. There was a metallic crunch as the accelerating vehicle rammed into the culvert, followed by a blast that shattered the snowmobile into a thousand bits.

  This brand of snowmobile had a fuel tank mounted in front. The culvert admitted the tip of the snowmobile, then cut into the cowling, spilling fuel over the hot engine. The body of the ex-snowmobiler was blown twenty feet back into the field.

  The rabbit’s whereabouts were unknown.

  Reference: Eyewitness account from an anonymous M.D.

  with thirty years in the ER

  Reader Comments:

  “Hare Today, Gone Tomorrow”

  “Kill the wabbit, kill the wabbit…”

  “Wabbit: 1. Suicidal Idiot: 0.”

  “Don’t approach a goat from the front, a horse from the back, or a fool from any side.”

  —Jewish proverb

  Darwin Award: Score One for Goliath

  Confirmed True by Darwin

  9 SEPTEMBER 2006, FLORIDA

  The one that didn’t get away.

  A fearsome mythical giant named Goliath was felled by David’s humble slingshot. But a modern leviathan versus a speargun is another tale altogether, as forty-two-year-old Gary discovered.

  Although it was outlawed in 1990, poaching giant groupers remains surprisingly popular in the Florida Keys. These muscular fish can weigh six hundred pounds, yet underwater hunters voluntarily choose to tether themselves to the creatures with spearguns, in defiance of both the law and common sense.

  Of this elite group our Darwin Award winner further distinguished himself by disregarding one essential spearfishing precaution. The “fit and experienced snorkeler” embarked on a grouper hunt without a knife to cut himself loose, guaranteeing that his next attack would be his last. “Not wearing a knife is like crossing I-95 with your eyes closed,” explained one experienced diver.

  * * *

  The Goliath grouper is the world’s largest grouper, attaining weights up to six hundred pounds. They are quite illegal to hunt and are generally too tough and wormy to eat, so killing one gives the spearfisher bragging rights only.

  * * *

  In those final hours the tables were turned, and the leviathan fish was given an opportunity to experience “catching a person.” The body of the spearfisher was found pinned to the coral, seventeen feet underwater. Three coils of line were wrapped around his wrist, and one very dead grouper was impaled at the other end of the line.

  Reference: The Miami Herald, Reuters, Yahoo! News

  Reader Comments:

  “Fish Catches Man Story”

  “Sounds fishy to me.”

  “A reel fish tale.”

  Darwin Award: Elephants Press Back

  Confirmed True by Darwin

  2007, INDIA

  Increased mining and heavy rains in southeast India have unsettled the wildlife. In recent months migrating elephants have killed eleven people. A team of four journalists decided to interview this herd of rogue elephants. They went into the forest in search of the rogues—on foot.

  Elephants are big, and elephants are fast. As the recent deaths illustrate, a person can’t outrun an elephant. But these intrepid journalists apparently assumed that a press pass grants immunity.

  With a nose for news the journalists sniffed out the herd. Once located it was only natural to capture the photogenic animals on film. Unfortunately, the elephants were camera-shy. Angered by the flash, the irritated herd charged the paparazzi, miraculously killing only one of the four.

  His remains could not be retrieved.

  Reference: Hindu.com, NewIndPress.com

  Darwin Award: Pulling a Boner!

  Confirmed True by Darwin

  2 FEBRUARY 2008, NEW YORK

  A fifty-year-old man was bird-hunting in upstate New York with his buddies and his faithful canine companion. They stopped for a smoke, and his dog wandered off and found a deer leg bone.

  The man tried to take the bone away, but like any right-thinking dog, the animal would not relinquish its treasure and stayed just out of reach. Frustrated with this blatant show of disobedience, the man grabbed his loaded shotgun by the muzzle and began wielding it like a club. Each time he swung it, the dog dodged.

  Suddenly the “club” struck the ground and fired, shooting the man in the abdomen. He was airlifted to a nearby hospital, where he died from his injuries. He did remain conscious long enough to
confirm this account to police; otherwise, his poor friends might now be under suspicion!

  At least he didn’t hit the dog.

  Reference: Eyewitness account of a man who called 911, and recordonline.com

  At Risk Survivor: Catching a Buzz

  Unconfirmed

  I work in a geology lab with very smart people. Charles can tell you the petrogenetic* peculiarities of low-alkali tholeiitic basalt after hydrothermal alteration, but our hero Charles recently demonstrated that there is a significant difference between intelligence and common sense.

  While he was casting about for ways to rid himself of a pesky wasp nest, his eye fell upon his trusty Dirt Devil vacuum cleaner. Armed with this fearsome weapon, Charles attacked the wasp nest. He sucked up all the wasps, who buzzed angrily as they struggled in vain against the wind tunnel. The dust bag was soon alive with their buzzing.

  Charles now found that he had a new problem: to wit, a vacuum cleaner bag full of live, disgruntled wasps. He had to find a way to kill them before he could safely turn off the vacuum. And while his previous idea was merely ill-considered, his next was a moronic masterpiece.