The Darwin Awards Next Evolution: Chlorinating the Gene Pool
Page 17
An RV is left on autopilot while the driver and passenger entertain themselves in back. The vehicle crashes into a medical building and the result is a bloody dental disaster. Innocent bystanders are injured. That’s not allowed in a Darwin Award!
The Coke machine incident—a true event where a man shook a vending machine for a free soda and pulled it over on himself—is transformed into a series of unlikely accidents.
The final word? The movie makes me laugh out loud, even after numerous viewings. Winona’s character smokes a joint. An off-screen cameraman dogs the protagonists, citing journalistic integrity at inopportune times. Lawrence Ferlinghetti quietly reads my book in a cameo. A hilarious scene reminiscent of Lawn Chair Larry involves a Mylar balloon. Joseph Fiennes in the shower is a sight not to be missed! The cast and crew put their hearts into the movie. Buy it. Enjoy it.
FAQ: Why do we laugh at stories about death?
Laughter helps us cope with tragedy.
Why are the Darwin Awards funny? My readers are eloquent on the subject.
“Want to feel like a genius? The next time you feel foolish or incompetent, read a few. You will soon realize how brilliant you really are compared with the morons out there.”
“Just makes you feel better about your own intelligence.”
“Read these, and a bad day becomes a good one.”
“Eventually you die. That’s life. And fifty years later you die again because everybody has forgotten you. But if your exit is newsworthy, there’s a good chance you will be remembered within your own family, at least. The Darwin Award winners of today will have their memories cherished longer, by more people, than those who die peacefully in bed.”
“Whenever I get down on myself, I read one of these and I feel much smarter.”
“One truly admires those individuals whose efforts at immortality lift the veil of depression from the rest of us mortals stuck on this rock.”
“You think you’ve got troubles?”
“They make me feel like a genius.”
“Anytime I’m feeling down, I read one of these and my life doesn’t look so bad anymore!”
I see a little of myself in every story. As one of the world’s biggest klutzes my final hour will likely find me clutching a Darwin Award. If so, I know my family and friends will laugh through their tears and say, “That’s just like Wendy. Oh, she was such an idiot!”
FAQ: How can I avoid a Darwin Award?
Take a few personal pledges:
“I will keep pointy metal objects away from electrical wires.”
“I will not suck bees into a vacuum cleaner.”
“I will not disable the safety.”
“No rooftop romantic interludes for me!”
Beware the following ideas:
“Instead of following standard procedure…”
“Attempting to impress the lady…”
“So he could save himself time…”
“They tested the ice by jumping up and down.”
“A case of beer went into the planning.”
“He is still convinced that the toadstool is harmless.”
“He refused to let anyone call an ambulance.”
“He thought he could outsmart the police.”
“The diver had kissed hundreds of sharks.”
“He deceived the radiation control supervisor.”
“It’s a nice snake. Nothing can happen.”
Heed good advice:
“Never surf on a flooded street.”
“We urge people not to drive with a burning grill in the vehicle.”
“The stupidity of cutting through power cables should be obvious.”
“Tossing random chemicals down the drain is not wise.”
“Only an idiot would jump into the bear cage.”
FAQ: Do you drive while using a cell phone?
NO! And you shouldn’t either. Humans are not equipped to use these devices safely. Cell phones take too much attention away from input you ought to attend to. Even while walking down the street a person on a cell phone does not notice the needs of others. In the supermarket you will not realize that you are causing an aisle congestion. In a car you will drive slower and more erratically.
I have made changes in my life due to reading thousands of Darwin Awards submissions. One change was no longer using a chair with wheels to reach a high place. The hardest change was to stay off my cell phone while driving.
I did it. You can do it. Get off the phone! Save a life.
FAQ: What is with the science essays?
I’m a scientist. I like science! The Darwin Awards are based on the scientific premise that humans are still evolving. Fans often write serious technical dissections of individual stories. A large portion of my readers are college students, or first heard about the Darwin Awards while in college. The science essays are relevant and keep me interested in the job. Charles Darwin would be disappointed in me if I focused only on humor and didn’t contribute to scientific knowledge!
FAQ: What do the families think? Do you get their permission?
How awkward would that be?!
If a family writes to me, I take their concerns seriously. Sometimes I remove the story. I don’t want to cause anyone pain. Sometimes the family realizes that death has more meaning if it serves as a cautionary tale and saves someone else’s life. Often they confide more stupid things that the winner did, prior to his death. Like an Irish wake, it can be healing to laugh while you grieve. That’s human nature.
From a recent e-mail: “Many years ago my two uncles started roughhousing at our Christmas gathering. At one point Uncle Frank picked up Uncle John by the heels, lost his grip, and dropped Uncle John on his head. It was all right because John was a state supreme court justice and there for life. The other uncle is, I am sure, in your archive. The one about the skydiving photographer who forgot to put on a chute…?”
FAQ: What inspired you to do this?
Waiting for my science experiments to run their courses was at times tedious. Lee Kozar taught me how to make a website by viewing the source of other web pages and copying the HTML. The Internet was young then, and changing quickly. Boredom was the driving force behind my website, which included personal vignettes as well as the Darwin Awards.
Boredom: the underappreciated motivator.
FAQ: How many stories? How many books? How many more?
In your hands you hold the fifth book.
In June 2008 there were 750 stories on the website. About 600 have been published in five books in twenty-three languages. I will keep writing stories as long as there are stories to write! Or my fingers fall off. Or I win a Darwin Award myself.
FAQ: What is your favorite story?
A Prop-er Send-off (page 161)
Absolutely Radiant (page 154)
Bicycle Chain of Accidents (page 33)
Catching a Buzz (page 233)
Chemistry Went to Her Head (page 165)
Hedge Your Bets (page 113)
Hook, Line, and Sinker (page 73)
Into the Abyss (page 108)
Pining Away (page 105)
Silage Spreader (page 167)
Splitting Headache (page 25)
Support Group (page 128)
The Enema Within (page 4)
ABOUT THE DARWIN AWARDS WEBSITE
The Darwin Awards archive was born on a Stanford University web-server in 1994. Its cynical view of the human species made it a favorite subject of conversation in classrooms, offices, and pubs around the world. News of the website spread by word of mouth, and submissions flew in from far and wide. As the archive grew, so did its acclaim.
The website matriculated to its own domain in 1997, won dozens of Internet awards, and now ranks among the top three thousand most-visited websites. It currently entertains a million visitors per month in its comfortable Silicon Valley home. Guests are welcome to set off fireworks and bounce on the trampoline.
The locus of the Darwin Awards community is w
ww.Darwin Awards.com. New accounts of terminal stupidity appear daily in the public Slush Pile. Visitors can vote on stories, sign up for a free e-mail newsletter, and share their opinions on the Philosophy Forum—a community of free thinkers who enjoy philosophical, political, and scientific conversations.
ARTIST BIOGRAPHIES
Pete McDonnell (www.mcdonnellillustration.com) is a freelance illustrator/cartoonist who has created advertising and editorial art for many clients: Microsoft, Southwest Airlines’ Spirit magazine, Cisco Systems, National Geographic Kids magazine, The Washington Post, The History Channel, Neiman Marcus, Sports Illustrated Kids magazine, Green Giant, Dark Horse Comics, Benefit Cosmetics, Cracked magazine, and many others.
He also illustrated The Darwin Awards: Intelligent Design, published in 2006. He lives in a small town in northern California with his wife and irrepressible young son.
Jay Ziebarth is an Internet cartoonist, award-winning flash/web designer, TV star, and college dropout. His work has been featured in books, calendars, and greeting cards; it has also circled the globe via his popular cartoon website, zeebarf.com. Jay cocreated the Gemini Award–winning Canadian animated TV series Sons of Butcher. In addition to being the lead character designer, he also starred in the series, which currently airs in 150 countries.
Jay resides in Hamilton, Ontario, with his wife and cat, where he creates dazzling web games and rarely leaves his office.
ABOUT WENDY NORTHCUTT
Wendy studied molecular biology at Berkeley, worked in a neuroscience research laboratory at Stanford, and later joined a biotech start-up developing treatments for cancer and diabetes. She wrote the Darwin Awards while waiting for her dastardly genetic manipulations to yield results.
Eventually Wendy shrugged aside the lab coat in favor of an off-beat career. She now writes both code and prose for the Darwin Awards website. Much of her time is spent wishing she could catch up. In her free time, Wendy chases eclipses, dines, dances, and inhabits an increasingly eccentric wardrobe. Her interests include reading, cats, gardening, glassblowing, natural dyework, fondling textiles, and observing human nature.
STORY INDEX
A Breathtaking View (Darwin Award)
A Cow-ardly Death (Darwin Award)
A Highly Improbably Trajectory (At Risk Survivor)
A Prop-er Send-off (Darwin Award)
A Salty Tale (At Risk Survivor)
A Slippery Slope (At Risk Survivor)
A Slow Burn (Darwin Award)
Absolutely Radiant (Darwin Award)
airline safety regulations
Alchemist, The (Darwin Award)
alcohol
alcohol, and planning ahead
alcohol, beer
alcohol, on fire
alcohol, sherry
alcohol, vodka
Amanita phalloides
Ammo Dumps (Darwin Award)
animal, bear
animal, bees
animal, buffalo
animal, cow
animal, deer
animal, dog
animal, elephant
animal, fish
animal, mole
animal, rabbit
animal, shark
animal, snake
animal, tiger
arson
augur
ax
balcony
barbecue
Barn Razing (Darwin Award)
Bed of Embers (At Risk Survivor)
Beer for Bears (Darwin Award)
bees
Bicycle Chain of Accidents (At Risk Survivor)
Big Bang Theory (Darwin Award)
Bite Me! (At Risk Survivor)
bomb, amateur
Breathless (Darwin Award)
Breathtaking View (Darwin Award)
Brothers Well-Met (At Risk Survivor)
bucket, plastic
Buffalo Stampede (At Risk Survivor)
bulletproof jacket
butane
camera
Catching a Buzz (At Risk Survivor)
Caulker Burner (At Risk Survivor)
cell phone
chainsaw
charcoal embers
Chemistry Went to Her Head (Darwin Award)
chili peppers
Chivalry Rebuffed (At Risk Survivor)
cigarette
clothesline, as a bowstring
Clotheslined! (Darwin Award)
construction worker
Copper Kite String (Darwin Award)
copper wire, creative use of
copper wire, theft of
Cow-ardly Death (Darwin Award)
criminal
Crushing De’feet (Darwin Award)
Crutch, Meet Crotch (Darwin Award)
cyanide
death, bicycle
death, bovine
death, by bear
death, by camera
death, by chainsaw
death, by enema
death, by snowmobile
death, by tiger
death, by tree
death, chemical
death, crushing
death, cyanide
death, drowning
death, electricity
death, elephant
death, elevator
death, explosion
death, falling
death, fire
death, fireworks
death, guitar
death, gunshot
death, helium
death, impact
death, motorcycle
death, radiation
death, sex
death, shopping cart
death, snakebite
death, stabbing
death, vehicle
death, water
death, wood chipper
deer
Descent of Man (Darwin Award)
dirt bike
Ditched (Darwin Award)
diver
divorce
dog
drowning
drug user
drunk driving
ducttape
dynamite
electrician
electricity
Electronic Fireworks (Darwin Award)
Elephants Press Back (Darwin Award)
elevator
Enema Within, The (Darwin Award)
Evolution Is Screwy (Science Interlude)
exercise
explosion
explosion, ammunition
explosion, bomb
explosion, butane
explosion, car
explosion, chemical
explosion, fireworks
explosion, fluorescent bulb
explosion, grenade
explosion, paperweight
Faithful Flotation (Darwin Award)
falling
Falling in Love (Darwin Award)
FAQ (Answers to Questions)
farmer
feces
fire
fireworks
fish
fisherman
Flaming Shot (At Risk Survivor)
Flower Power (Science Interlude)
Flyswatter (At Risk Survivor)
Footloose in the Footwell (At Risk Survivor)
Four Great Ideas (Darwin Award)
Frequently Asked Questions
Gag Reflex (At Risk Survivor)
Garden Bomb (Darwin Award)
Going to Seed (Darwin Award)
gonads
Great Dying (Science Interlude)
guitar
gun
gun, paintball
Hammer of Doom (Darwin Award)
He Kicked the Bucket (At Risk Survivor)
Head Shot (At Risk Survivor)
Hedge Your Bets (At Risk Survivor)
helium balloon
Helmet Head (At Risk Survivor)
High on Life (Darwin Award)
Highly Improbable Trajectory (At Risk Survivor)
Hook, Line, and Sinke
r (At Risk Survivor)
Hot Rod (At Risk Survivor)
Humanity (Science Interlude)
Hurdles (At Risk Survivor)
hydrogen
ice
insurance
Into the Abyss (Darwin Award)
kite
Kittie Toy (Darwin Award)
lawyer
Lifestyles of the Slimy and Contagious (Science Interlude)
macho
marijuana
medical
Merry Pranksters (Darwin Award)
Mexican Divorce (At Risk Survivor)
military
missionary kid
Modern Armor (Darwin Award)
Molten Copper Shower (At Risk Survivor)
money, insurance scam
money, rescue of
motorcycle
Mushroom Man (At Risk Survivor)
naked
near death, augur
near death, ax
near death, bees
near death, buffalo
near death, camera
near death, deer
near death, drowning
near death, electricity
near death, explosion
near death, falling
near death, fireworks
near death, fluorescent bulb
near death, gun
near death, lawn mower
near death, marijuana
near death, mushroom
near death, paintball gun
near death, poppy seed
near death, rock salt
near death, rocket
near death, shark bite
near death, snakebite
near death, stoning
near death, SUV
near death, Taser
near death, vacuum cleaner
near death, vehicle
near death, vodka
near death, water
neighbors
Never Change (At Risk Survivor)
Not a Shred of Sense (Darwin Award)
nuclear plant
On the Piste (Darwin Award)
Orca Made Me Do It (Darwin Award)
Organ Donors (Darwin Award)
paintball gun
Pierced! (Darwin Award)