I am America (and so can You!)

by Stephen Colbert

* * *

  STEPHEN SPEAKS FOR ME

  A CHANCE FOR AVERAGE AMERICANS TO AGREE WITH WHAT I THINK

  L73NR, Cow

  I’d like to thank Stephen for the opportunity to put my two cents in here. To be honest, I was hesitant to commit my thoughts to paper. The last thing I want to do is perpetuate the illusion that I actually have thoughts. Dinner doesn’t think, and you shouldn’t think about your dinner.

  Hey, want to hear a funny joke? Cattle prods.

  I guess you had to be there.

  It’s just that I don’t understand why, after offering me the opportunity to be processed into sirloin, Farmer Joe thinks he needs to twist my hoof. I’m in!

  What’s that honey? In a minute, Mommy is writing something for a book. That’s right! B-O-O-K! Book! Good girl! Now run along and tell your sister it’s time for bed. You know, Mohandas Gandhi once said, “The cow is a poem of compassion,” but you know what I say? The cow is a rack of short ribs.

  Speaking of Gandhi, it’s at times like these (approaching the mechanical separators), that I am glad I’m a Hindu. Because I know I have lived a good life and will come back to live again and again until I escape the wheel of Samsara. When I next return, I hope I’m a human. The first thing I’m going to do is have a steak. I’m dying to know what all the fuss is about. You people sure seem eager to get it off my bones. Well I should sign off before I get to the Captive Bolt Stunner.

  Enjoy me!

  * * *

  * * *

  CANARY IN A COAL MINE

  Nation, nothing restricts freedom more than buckling a seatbelt. If I want to fly head first through my car windshield at 200 mph, that’s between me and my brain damage. But, as long as there are legislators in the pocket of Big Seatbelt, the regulations will keep on coming.

  Don’t believe me? Take a look at this story from abcnews.com:

  BUCKLE UP, PUP

  For Massachusetts canines, flatbed freedom and tongues flapping in the breeze on the open road may soon go to the dogs. Martin Walsh, a state lawmaker from Dorchester, Mass., may file legislation that will require dog owners to restrain pets when driving in a vehicle.

  A law to make dogs wear seatbelts! What’s next, Massachusetts? Making dogs wear hard hats when they chase the ball? Or life vests when they swim in a lake? Or safety goggles when they spot-weld?

  Never once did Lassie tell Timmy she wanted more government regulations. “What’s that, girl? There’s a fire in the old barn? You want me to fill out this paperwork in triplicate and wait for someone from the main branch to contact me in six to eight weeks?” Ridiculous.

  Half the reason the comic strip Marmaduke is so funny is because he’s always getting into mischief. If the government starts regulating that mischief with a bunch of unnecessary safety standards, that Great Dane will become a Mediocre Dane. Then where will we turn for entertainment? Cathy? Too highbrow!

  Endangered Species

  Massachusetts, you’ve already taken our dogs’ balls. Don’t take their rights too.

  * * *

  * * *

  Can you re-ball the boys before Sandy is out of heat?

  Draw a line from the missing sack to the right breed!

  * * *

  fig 6. STEPHEN COLBERT

  CHAPTER 4

  RELIGION

  “Jesus is just all right with me.”

  –The Doobie Brothers But are they all right with Jesus? Drop the reefer, boys, and pick up a Bible!

  BAD NEWS FOR THE GODLESS: RELIGION IS INESCAPABLE. THERE HAS NEVER BEEN A HUMAN SOCIETY WITHOUT SOME FORM OF WORSHIP. AND DON’T POINT TO COMMUNIST SOCIETIES LIKE THE SOVIET UNION—THEY WORSHIPPED BLUE JEANS. OF COURSE, BEATNIKS, PEACENIKS, AND NO-GOODNIKS QUESTION

  why we need religion. “Imagine,” they croon, “there’s no countries. It isn’t hard, it’s true. Nothing to fight or kill for, and no religion, too.” You may find that idea appealing because it rhymes. But so does this: “God said to Noah there’s gonna be a floody-floody / Get those children out of the muddy-muddy.”

  Mine rhymes 4 times.

  The “children” mentioned in that Bible verse didn’t think they needed religion either, and look what happened to them (drowny-drowny). Bottom line: Religion is the cornerstone of civilization. Without it, we would have no laws, no morality, no social structure, and no guidelines for furnishing our tabernacles. We would exist in a state of valueless depravity, like they do in Holland.1

  Agriculture is the flying buttress.

  GOOD NEWS

  Religion exists. And so mankind can benefit from its numerous gifts.

  Law: The Ten Commandments are the basis of our entire system of justice. Without them we wouldn’t have laws, and without laws there’d be chaos.2 Those two tablets give you everything you need to run an orderly society. Lying, stealing, murdering, adultery, idol worship and coveting are out. Parent-honoring and Sabbath observance are in. By the way, if you’re reading this on your religion’s Sabbath, you’d better have a non-believer there turning the pages for you, because when it comes to the T.C.s, I’m an originalist. That means, if a neighbor takes so much as a covetous glimpse at my wife, I’m looking for my lucky stoning hat.

  I can recommend a good page-man.

  It’s made of stone (so I blend in).

  Morality: Religion lays out clear definitions of good and evil, distinguishing good deeds—“solids” in Biblical Hebrew—from sins. Think about it: Without this guidance and reward/punishment system, how would we know that it’s actually good to give charity to beggars? Plus, without the concept of Right and Wrong, we’d have no cowboy movies or cop shows because there’d be no good guys and bad guys—just guys.

  Good & Plenty would just be Plenty.

  And forget about karaoke. I mean, “(If Loving You Is Wrong) I Don’t Want to Be Right” is my go-to crowd pleaser, but who wants to hear “(If Loving You Is Okay) Then, Okay”?

  Social Cohesion: Religion gives communities reasons to come together and build bonds through shared participation in rituals. Admit it—people would never speak to anyone outside their immediate families if not for mandatory pilgrimages to holy rocks or watching virgins’ hearts get carved out atop their ziggurats.

  Witch trials make great mixers.

  I know what a ziggurat is.

  Hope: I believe it was the tiger-philosopher Hobbes who described human life as “solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short.” Religion allows us to ignore all that by praying. When we appeal to our deities with a slaughtered ewe, or prostration, or, in the case of Hare Krishnas, airport conga line, we exert some control over our existence and are filled with hope that God may improve it. Otherwise, we’re just chanting our deepest desires into a silent, indifferent void. How depressing would that be?

  Meaning: Life is chaotic and unpredictable. If a butterfly flaps its wings in one part of the world, it could cause people at the opposite end of the globe to watch a Discovery Channel special on butterflies. And what’s on next? A show about tornadoes. Who made such a harrowing program schedule full of seemingly random destruction? It was God’s will.

  Moths, get a publicist.

  Responsibility: Religion forces every individual to take responsibility. Specifically, take it away from yourself and give it to God. If we had to be accountable for every one of our actions, we’d be crippled with indecision. But with religion pointing the way, we can feel confident in our choice to picket our children’s elementary school when we find out the art teacher is gay.

  Hi, Mr. Jellineck!

  Immortality: If you’re good, you don’t “die.” It’s my favorite gift of religion, because it’s the most practical. For instance, I got that PBS Civil War series on DVDs last Christmas but I haven’t had time to watch. (I can’t wait to see how it turns out.) But thanks to religion, after I depart my earthly body I’ll have eternity to watch those DVDs with Abraham Lincoln. He ought to be able to tell me if Ken Burns3 got it right.

  So, now that you understand religion’s
gifts, you can understand why America chose to be a Godly nation, and by Godly I mean Jesusly.

  RELIGION IN AMERICA

  Make no mistake: America is a Christian nation. The bedrock of our theodemocracy is our Judeo-Christian Values™. That term, by the way, is a bit of a misnomer. It implies that Christianity and Judaism are equal. That makes about as much sense as comparing Jesus to Moses. One of them could walk on water; the other one had to part it. Which one seems more Christian to you? Think of “Judeo-Christian” like “Sears, Roebuck & Co.”—Judaism is Roebuck.

  The “& Co.”? Unitarians.

  Now, the Secular-Progressives out there are going to say, “Hold on, Colbert. Wasn’t America founded on the ideas of Enlightenment thinkers like Hume and Paine?” Common misconception. Who landed at Plymouth Rock? Pilgrims. And the only reason they got on the Mayflower was to flee religious persecution. That means they had a religion: Christianity. And thank God they did. If it wasn’t for Jesus’ message of love in their hearts, do you think they would have taught the Indians that “maize” is really called “corn”?

  Thank you, Jesus.

  * * *

  GUT-CHECK: Since the Pilgrims were victims of persecution, some assume they were tolerant. That’s just liberal propaganda. Sure, they were against persecution…of Pilgrims. But after they changed their name to “Puritans” (in what I believe was a copyright dispute), they were more than happy to drown what Lesbians now call Wiccans.

  * * *

  ??????

  We hear a lot about how the founders created a so-called “wall of separation between church and state.” The myth of such a wall is exacerbated by our Constitution’s confusingly worded First Amendment:

  Pat Robertson, tear down this wall!

  “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion…”

  Many point to these words as somehow prohibiting the establishment of Christianity as our national religion. But if the founders were so anti-Christian, how come the Constitution never mentions evolution?

  It’s not “We the Ape-People.”

  And even if I’m wrong, just because “Congress shall make no law” doesn’t mean that we can’t establish a religion. It just means we’ll have to do it without Congress. An executive order, perhaps?

  Or just a knowing wink

  So, to sum up: America is a Christian nation. And as the old Negro spiritual says, “This Train is bound for Glory, this Train.” Folks, America is riding the Jesus Train.

  Attention travelers: Please note that the Jesus Train is NOT the Crazy Train or the Night Train or the Midnight Train to Georgia. There’s a big difference. Check your tickets before boarding.

  One Other Thing: Just because you’re on a God Train doesn’t mean you’re bound for Glory. Only Our Lord’s locomotive will carry us to the winner’s circle, but don’t take my word for it. Let our God’s record speak for Itself.

  HOLY WAR. HUH! WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR? ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING.

  Training and equipping fighting men in the field goes a long way to winning any armed conflict. But if you really want to tip the scales in your favor, get God on your side.4

  And have Him bring Air Power

  Look no further than the words of Lieutenant General William G. Boykin, U.S. Deputy Undersecretary of Defense for Intelligence, who described our victories over our terrorist enemy thusly: “I knew my God was bigger than his. I knew that my God was a real God and his was an idol.”

  A big Salaam aleichem to my Muslim fans!

  That should be carved into the lead of every bullet fired out of every American gun. Too long to fit, though. How about this:

  “My God can beat up your god.”

  Because He can! Take a look.

  THE OFFICIAL WIN-LOSS RECORD OF THE JUDEO-CHRISTIAN GOD

  The War in Heaven (Lucifer’s Rebellion)

  Lucifer leads 133,306,668 fallen angels against God’s 266,613,336 good angels. Not surprisingly, God wins, because God was on God’s side.

  God: 1, Not-God: 0.

  Calculations courtesy Pope John XXI (c. 1273 AD)

  Israelites vs. Canaanites

  Joshua blows a trumpet, and the walls of Jericho fall. Later, the sun stands still at Gibeon and the moon in the valley of Aijalon so the Israelites can defeat the Amorite kings. But maybe the atheists are right—maybe it was all just a coincidence.5

  God: 2, Not-God: 0.

  Have they tried blowing a trumpet in Iraq?

  The Crusades

  The Crusades lead to the Knights Templar; the Knights Templar lead to the Masons; and the Masons lead to the Shriners, a secret society that controls world governments, toys with our banking system, and single-handedly keeps the fez industry afloat. I’d say God won this round.

  God: 3, Not-God: 0

  The Hundred Years’ War

  With God’s help, King Henry V wins the decisive battle at Agincourt in 1415 against the idolatrous French, giving the English control of the north and west of France.

  God: 4, Not-God: 0.

  Terrible name for a war. Never set a date for withdrawal.

  The Hundred Years’ War II

  With God’s help, Joan of Arc lifts England’s siege of Orleans, giving the French control of the north and west of France.

  God: 5, Not-God: 0.

  The Fall of Constantinople

  When the Muslims took over Constantinople in 1453, it wasn’t because God was on the Ottoman Empire’s side. He was just mad at the Byzantines for breaking off from the Catholic Church over the addition of the word filioque to the Nicene Creed in 1054. Hey guys, “You schism it, you buy it.” Sorry, I’m still a little bitter.

  God: 6, Not-God: 0.

  We all scream for Nicene!

  Revolutionary War

  Sorry, Great Britain, but if you go up against “One nation, under God,” you’re going to get your ass handed to you twice as hard. (Historico-linguistical note: At this point, “God” became synonymous with “America.”)

  God: 7, Not-God: 0.

  The Civil War

  Since America was on both sides, whichever way this thing went, everyone knew it would be a windfall for the Lord.

  God: 8, Not-God: 0.

  “Brother-against-brother” is another way of “doubling-down.”

  World War I

  God wasn’t sure which way to go here—lot of Christians on both sides—so He sat it out for fear of tarnishing His perfect record. But then in 1917 America joined in, so He had no choice. He won it, then retired, making this officially The War to End All Wars.

  God: 9, Not-God: 0.

  World War II

  God got forced out of retirement by the taunting of Japanese Shinto spirit deities. Germany joined with the Japs (bad move by them), and God killed Socialist President Roosevelt so Truman could drop The Bomb.6

  God: 10, Not-God: 0.

  Note: “Jap” is an acceptable term when used to save ink.

  Korean War