* * *
NO HEROES ALLOWED: I’ve said it before (see above), science is elitist. Making rules, setting boundaries, constantly telling us what is and isn’t flammable7—all without input from the very people who are expected to abide by those laws. I know I never consented to Gravity Without Representation.
So who gave some lab-coated pipette wielder permission to act like he knows more than I do about mitochondria, just because he spent twenty years of his life studying them in a laboratory? PhDs and 300-page dissertations don’t make his opinion any more valid. I happen to have some mitochondria myself, and I can tell you that mine don’t take their marching orders from Cal Tech.
Mytochondria!
Furthermore, why should I care that four out of five dentists recommend Crest? What qualifies some fluoride-pusher to call the shots when it comes to my oral hygiene? A diploma from Dental Camp?
The point is, no one is more qualified to tell me what the world means to me, than me. And don’t think you’re any different: No one is more qualified to tell you what the world means to you than me.
So I’ve prepared an itemized and exhaustive list of my thoughts on various scientific disciplines. You won’t find these opinions in any textbook, unless it happens to be one I’ve defaced.
SCIENCE GLOSSARY
A glossar-Me, if you will
A
Aerospace
Aerospace is the science of making planes go faster. Here’s my problem with it: I always fly First Class. Why would I want the trip over sooner?
Alchemy
There are some amazing things that people have simply given up on: radio dramas, elevator operators, and the transmutation of lead into gold. I don’t understand it. Nobody needs lead anymore except X-Ray technicians. Why aren’t we turning more of it into gold? We must make this a priority. Think of the benefits to society. One example: Run-down tenements in America are full of lead-based paint. With a little alchemy, not only will those homes no longer be health hazards, they will be gorgeous.
Yet we turn dinosaurs into oil?
Astrology
I’ll get behind any field that promises to both tell the future and promote last-minute grocery-line commerce. Plus, anyone who’s been universally rejected by mainstream science must be doing something right.
Here’s a little horoscope I prepared for my fellow Tauruses:
TAURUS (4/20–5/20)—A risky venture yields exceptional profits.
Heed the words of a superior authority, and prosperity will follow.
…in bed.
Sounds too good to be true, I know. But it’s all right there in the alignment of Mercury. And it’s such a funny coincidence, because I was about to propose that everyone buy five extra copies of my book as gifts so others can reap the profits of my words. Huh. The Universe truly works in mysterious ways.
Astronomy
This science became obsolete as soon as they named all the constellations. These days all astronomers do is sit around reclassifying Pluto and faking moon landings. We need maybe two of them to keep an eye on the black hole at the center of the galaxy; let the rest go.
Study these stars.
Or, if you want to do something useful, astronomers, how about some new constellations? Nobody cares about Caelum. Or this one:
Fig. 1. TRIANGULUM
It’s a little triangle. Its name? Triangulum. Did we really need an ancient Greek to tell us that? And how ’bout…
Fig. 2. FORNAX
Fornax. It’s two stars. Since “Fornax” isn’t Greek for the “Line,” there is no excuse for this thing. And it’s next to Eridanus, the “River.” For Zeus’ sake! Constellations were supposed to help with navigation. The River is not going to help with navigation. Any stars could form a river! Pick any ten stars, draw a line through them. Pow! River.
So let’s take some of these constellations make something we care about. Here’s how you do it:
B
Botany
This is actually a very hot science. You think that, since it’s all about flowers, it’s literally a pansy science. But botany isn’t just flowers—it’s mostly about breeding and crossbreeding flowers. That’s right—flower sex. Graphic stamen-on-pistil action. This is the hardcore birds-and-bees stuff. I will tell you this: If you meet a botanist in a bar, chances are she is ready to go. Botany? More like Hotany™.
Next to History
C
Cloning
Cloning has got to be the dumbest idea in history. Have scientists never watched a single movie in their lives? Clones live to do one of three things: replace us so that no one notices except our girlfriend whose suspicions are slowly aroused, until she becomes a target in the clone’s deadly game; rebel against us, demanding equal rights; or attack us, like in Attack of the Clones, which I didn’t actually see. No free labor source is worth all of this trouble.
Still torn on ape labor. We should be able to quell their uprising.
D
DNA
There are some who claim that DNA is an instruction manual for all living cells. But if IKEA has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t need instructions. My coffee table works just fine, provided I remember to attach the counterweights.8
But the nerd patrollers claim that hereditary traits are determined by genes on the DNA, as shown below.
I said below. Why are you looking over here?
Well, I don’t buy it. God and back-alley cosmetic surgery determine what I look like, not some no-good nucleotides linked together in a ladder-like shape twisted into a spiral. Just one more reason I don’t trust ladders. If God wanted me to reach something, He would have given me Go-Go Gadget arms.
Every night I pray for a giraffe-neck. But it’s not in God’s plan.
E
Evolution
To put it simply, evolution is an affront to God. Anyone who believes in it will burn in eternal hellfire, probably while being prodded by flaming chimpanzees with razor-sharp bananas.
Evolutionists’ main claim is that one day we decided to stop being monkeys and turned ourselves into humans. Well, if that’s true, why aren’t more monkeys escaping from zoos? Think about it. They could turn into humans, then disguise themselves as janitors and walk out of their cages. But I guess evolution doesn’t have an answer for that one.
I’m thinking about it right now.
The main perpetrator of this monkey lie is Charles Darwin. He wrote all about it in his 1859 book The Origin of Species. He claims to have developed this “theory” after studying “finches” on the Galapagos “Islands,” but I can guess why he really came up with it. He was on the Galapagos Islands for Spring Break, got smashed, woke up in bed next to a monkey, and then had to come up with a theory that made it all okay.
F
Fahrenheit
I used to be pro-Fahrenheit—after all, it’s the American way of measuring heat. That is, until I learned it was named after some Dutch guy. Sorry, but I don’t want my thermometer taking orders from some Amsterdam stoner who got bonged out of his mind one night and started messing around with mercury.
“Dude, it’s like I can see the temperature!”
H
Hydrogen Fuel Cells
Two words: Hindenburg. Think how amazing it would be if cars did that! It certainly would cut down on fender benders. I’m pro.
Herpetology
The study of reptiles and amphibians. Affects one out of six Americans.
G
Geology
The last thing I need is a bunch of dust-covered fossil sweepers telling me that the Earth is four billion years old. “Carbon dating?” Just palm reading for rocks.
That said, Geodes are pretty.
Shiny
Global Warming
Validated by the free market when Al Gore’s movie, An Inconvenient Truth, became a box-office smash. But let’s not get carried away, America. Granted the temperature’s steadily increasing, but I’ve been taking some measurements of my own
, and the degree to which I care about the Harp seal is still holding steady at “way less than I care about my Audi A8.”9
Important: Is it F-H-G or F-G-H? Remember to ask editor.
I
Ichthyology
I have never been able to get beyond the basic contradiction of ichthyology: It is the study of fish. Yet the science starts with “Ick,” which is a form of scale rot that killed my Black Mollies. Killing fish is not what I call a science. It’s what I call fishing.
J
Jumble
I don’t know how many scientists it takes to so precisely scramble those words every day, but I’m grateful. Great way to sharpen the old noodle over the morning toast.
They’re so knifgcu dhra.
K
Kites
See “Magic,” below.
L
Liposuction
Science has knocked this one out of the park. Throughout human history, we have dreamed of reaching the rich fat deposits locked tantalizingly beneath our skin. Now, with a scalpel, a plastic tube, and a household vacuum cleaner (I recommend the Orick 8lb. upright), that bounty is finally ours. Industrial lubricant, artificial fattener—the applications are endless. This is a science I can get behind. Plus it makes ladies easier to get behind, if you know what I’m saying.
M
Magic
My all-time favorite kind of science. It’s mystical, entertaining, and you never know what’s going to happen next. A physicist will tell you, “It’s impossible for that rabbit to be transported across the room into that hat.” But a magic scientist will get it done.
By the way, still waiting to get my rabbit back.
The only problem I have with magic scientists is that they are not as forthcoming with information as some other scientists. If you meet a chemist in a bar, you can’t get them to shut up about how to make different compounds out of common cleaning agents under your sink.
Magic also has a much more practical application than the other sciences. I saw a magic scientist make an airplane disappear on TV. If we can move enough of those scientists onto the battlefield, imagine our army’s easy victories as each enemy pilot sits on the ground, blinking in surprise that there’s no plane around him anymore!
Where does it say you can’t make a cape in camouflage?
N
Nephrology
Nephrology is the study of kidneys. Kidneys! What will they think of next?
Livers?
O
Ornithology
I can’t see why you’d bother studying birds generally when we still don’t know everything there is to know about eagles. What do I care about the mating habits of a sparrow, or the neurological impulses underlying catbird sub-song development? One dive, and an eagle could turn those warblers into a cloud of feathery mulch. I say let’s put ornithology on hold until we have the technology to communicate with eagles, so we can convince them to pull us around the sky in air-sleds.
I have Feathery Mulch’s first album on vinyl around here somewhere…
Oceanography
As longtime viewers know, I’ve never trusted the sea. What’s it hiding under there? I fully support this science, not only to figure out what’s down there, but to develop weapons to destroy it before it destroys us. Think I’m crazy? Just take a peep at an angler fish sometime. These monsters look like the offspring of a sea bass and a bear trap, and growing smack in the middle of their skulls is a curved rod dangling a juicy chunk of bioluminescent flesh. That’s right. They’re fishing for us. Oceanographers, America’s safety is in your hands. Get to work on the submersible deep-fat fryer.
There be monsters.
On the plus side: Nukes
P
Physics
Some say this science is fundamental; I say it’s a bunch of unnecessary regulations. Physics is the ultimate Big Government interference—universal laws meant to constrain us at every turn. No staying in motion if acted on by a net force. No thermodynamic systems without entropy. Hey, is it wrong that I sometimes want to act without having to deal with an equal and opposite reaction? Honey, are you listening? These laws just keep us from reaching our full potential as flying, time-traveling, teleporting clusters of energy. We’d be a lot better off if we took physics off the books and just let the free market decide what was possible for matter. E=mc2? Everything=my choice2!
Psychology
My theory is that this science was invented by someone with a leather couch and a strong desire not to go to medical school. Really? I’m supposed to sit down and tell you all my problems, and then at the end of the hour all I get for my time and my $300 is you telling me “We’re making progress, I’ll see you next week”? If I drop that kind of scratch for a doctor, I’d better be leaving with some heavy-duty drugs and a tantalizing instruction not to mix them with them alcohol.
Whatever Nick Nolte is taking
Psychiatry
Psychology with balls. And a prescription pad.
Periodic Table
First off, way to rip off the United States, science. Look familiar?
Second, what’s with all the letters? Gold is Au? Welcome to America—speak English! Those letters have to be a code for something, and I think I’ve cracked it. Check out the hidden message I found in the Periodic Anagram of Elements.
“Feel tepid, celibate morons!”
SECRET MESSAGE
Satan here. Congratulations! You broke code. Here are instructions.
Scientists: Assault faith, drain values.
Gays: Keep up sex.
Yours,
Satan
That’s using every letter of the Periodic Table. With only these left over: BCCOMFCCZGBTKAABZBMCGCBCBHFWRPHGALPBBPRNNFRRLRRFDA SBGBHHIMDSRGBUUUQUUPUUHOEGUUSUURLRCDPRNDPMTSMUGDB DYHRMYBCHPUNPPUMCMBLKMCHFSFMMDN!
Q
To my knowledge, there are no sciences that begin with the letter “Q.” Let’s try to keep it that way.
R
Robots
I don’t think I need to rehash this subject here, given that I have written an entire chapter devoted to the dangers of this technology and its imminent takeover. (See Chapter 18: Yes Iron Master! How to Serve Their Needs and Keep Your Job!)
S
Stem Cells
This seems like an OK idea. I used to watch Star Trek, and when someone broke their leg, Dr. McCoy just held a little whirring medical device over them, and the leg healed right up. I am fairly sure that device used stem cells somehow. From what I’ve heard about how they work, that sounds right. However, on Star Trek they never showed any of the abortions that powered that device. So I’m hoping they found another source of stem cells. Jury’s out on this one.
T
Techronology
As in Chevron, the gas with Techron! This exciting field is bringing gasoline performance to new heights. But the innovators working in Techronology believe in more than just keeping cars happy and performing at their best by maximizing the cleaning power of all octane grades; they’re investing in human energy. Thanks to their hard work, Chevron was the first American gasoline company to have its product labeled a TOP TIER Gasoline. As we speak, Techronologists are making unprecedented advances in cleaning intake system deposits while controlling combustion deposits. Remember, your valves are a temple—fill them with Techron!
I am America (and so can You!) Page 18