Still waiting for that check to clear, guys.
U
Urology
This is pee science. Dirty stuff, but I guess it takes all types. Who am I to judge?
I’m Stephen Colbert!
V
Vitamins
I’m not crazy about the fact that vitamins are teaching kids the alphabet. Vitamin A, B6, B12? Cereal boxes should be for taking the Rabbit through the maze to get his Trix, not about reading lessons.
Plus, vitamin C? If I want to avoid scurvy, I’ll eat sauerkraut with the rest of the crew.
I’m not good at swallowing pills.
W
Why?
This is the question that scientists are always asking. You know who else asks that? Five-year-olds. Shows you the kind of mental development we’re dealing with here, folks.
God said so.
X
X-Rays
X-Rays are elitist. You have to be a doctor in order to use them. Well, maybe I want to take a look at my bones not because they’re broken—just because they’re pretty. No dice. They won’t ship a machine to your house.
I finally managed to find a source who knows a guy who got me some X-Ray glasses. But they only work on my hand, and even then only in good light. Very disappointing. You know those X-Ray doctors are looking through girls’ clothes all the time.
Y
Y-Chromosomes
The Y-chromosome is provided by the father and determines if the baby will be a manchild. Here’s a no-fail way to make sure your baby is a boy: Put yourself in a centrifuge right before lovemaking. The spinning sends the weaker girl chromosomes flying to the back of the scrotum, while the boy chromosomes hold their positions. This leaves them right up front, ready to lead the charge. Little-known madeup fact: This is why, at carnivals, the Spinner ride is always right next to the Tunnel of Love.
Yodeling
Oh, so Joni Mitchell is a scientist now?
Z
Zoology
One would think, “A school of study dedicated to locking up animals in cages so that we can throw popcorn at them—finally, a noble science.” Not necessarily the case. While zoologists undoubtedly do good work toward establishing our dominance over the animals (see Chapter 2, “Animals”), a surprising amount of zoologists’ time is spent thinking of ways for pandas to get off. I say, no more funding for Sing-Sing to play with Ling-Ling’s thing-thing.10
I saw a Twilight Zone where people were in the zoo. Can that happen?
* * *
STEPHEN SPEAKS FOR ME
A CHANCE FOR AVERAGE AMERICANS TO AGREE WITH WHAT I THINK
I think it’s time for an actual scientist to weigh in on this debate. I wish I had nicer things to say about the Scientific Establishment, but I’ve met some pretty closed minds in academia. “Publish or perish,” as they say, and I have yet to find any journal with the courage to print my research paper, “The Method and Practice of Sucking a Hard-Boiled Egg into a Milk Bottle.” How does the hard-boiled egg get in the bottle without breaking? I don’t know. But give me some grant money, and I can solve this mystery of our Natural World.
Professor Wonder Scientist
Or would you rather see me cook a hot dog with two nails and a frayed electrical cord? I thought so. Cover your eyes, because sometimes the wiener will explode! Why? Another of Nature’s Secrets waiting to be revealed.
And there’s so much more to discover! Like the fundamental chemical structure of flaming bouncy balls made of borax, rubber cement, and kerosene. I have a hypothesis: It’s thrilling!
But the Gatekeepers of Knowledge don’t care about bringing a little joy into the lab. They’re too timid to plumb these mysteries. They’d rather decode genetic sequences and calculate the number of dimensions coiled within a superstring.
Meanwhile, do you know what happens when you submerge flashlight batteries in a vat of bleach and then place it over a Bunsen burner? Me neither. But isn’t it science’s responsibility to ask these hard questions?! Shouldn’t we at least try?! I can’t say for sure what the results will be other than spectacular!
In closing, thank you for calling the Wonder-torium! If you would like to book the Hall of Experi-mazement for your child’s birthday party, please leave your name and number at the beep.
Somehow, this machine will record it!
Beep!
* * *
* * *
Hey, Kids! Now you can disprove evolution in your own backyard!
Here’s what you’ll need:
One (1) fishbowl
One (1) pitcher of water
One (1) hamster, alive
…and now here’s the experiment!
* * *
DISCLAIMER: The following demonstration is for educational purposes only, in the sense that you will “only” become “educated” by doing it. In other words: Don’t try this at home. (Try it at a PETA rally.)
* * *
Step 1:
Fill your fishbowl with the water. I don’t want to give anything away, but soon it’s going to be a bowl for another kind of animal.
Step 2:
Drop the hamster (you can call it “Skip”) into the fishbowl.
Step 3:
Cover the fishbowl with Charles Darwin’s Origin of Species.
Step 4:
Seems like a pretty desperate situation Skip has gotten himself into. This would be an ideal time for evolution to kick in!
Step 5:
Follow the Scientific Method—observe! Is the hamster “evolving” gills? Has he “evolved” a jackhammer to drill through the fishbowl, or “adapted to his environment” with a tiny hamster flamethrower to burn through Origin of Species? Didn’t think so.
Step 6:
Let the hamster go. Just because Darwin was a sick twist with a God Complex doesn’t mean we have to buy into his power trip. (You could also call the hamster “Teddy.”)
* * *
fig 17. STEPHEN COLBERT
A NOTE TO THE FUTURE
WARNING! DO NOT READ UNTIL THE FUTURE
Dear Reader,
I know this book will still be read hundreds of years from now, just like Dante’s The Divine Comedy, or Cardinal Bouef’s 1534 masterpiece, Phyfick ofe the Conftitutionef of Varying Warwickfhire Proftitutef, a ftudie. And I wouldn’t want my future readers to think this book was intended only for those living in my own times. Obviously, I can’t know what will happen in the future, but just because something is unknowable, that doesn’t mean I don’t have some strong opinions about it. And just to cover my bases, I have weighed in on several different scenarios. Make sure to read only the section corresponding to the particular future in which you are living and/or being harvested for your organs by our alien overlords.
So for all the generations of The Colbert Nation to come, I present my future opinions, preserved in this book that has been specially manufactured to survive a nuclear holocaust, so long as that holocaust does not involve fire, excessive moisture, or tearing.
* * *
LEGAL DISCLAIMER: If Christ returns and Raptures the True Believers unto Heaven, all of what follows is moot.
* * *
A FUTURE WHERE THE WORLD IS RULED BY DAMNED, DIRTY APES
Right off the bat, please introduce them to pants.
Second, what the hell happened? Apes? Last time I checked apes were in cages and humans were their masters. I can only assume that an ape became Mayor of San Francisco. Before you knew it apes were in control of Congress, then you had an Ape President and an Ape Secretary General of the UN. Does an ape host my old show?
Shame on you, future society. We left you a perfectly good human-animal hierarchy and you blew it. Please DO NOT defrost my head until this ape thing passes.
A FUTURE WHERE I AM WORSHIPPED AS A GOD
Well, that got blown out of proportion! But since all of civilization has reoriented itself around me as the Supreme Deity, best not to rock the boat.
You’re lucky to have
this book as your one and only scripture. Every word of it is the revealed Truth, so interpret it literally. Including the typos. I put those in here for a reason—a mysterious reason that I know, but you don’t. It should give you great comfort that I will tell you the reason after you die. I promise.
A FUTURE WHERE ROBOTS BECOME SELF-AWARE AND ENSLAVE HUMANKIND
Hey, Robot! Congratulations on the utter subjugation of the carbon based creatures following the Great Purge.
Here’s a proclamation I want you to broadcast through your Hivemind to your android brethren:
The next sentence is false.
The previous sentence is true.
I’ll wait while your heads explode.
Now, to the human who has picked up this book in wonderment, having pried it from the still-clenched hands of the Iron Master who just self-destructed:
You’re welcome.
If you want to worship me as your God, I’ll understand. (See Above.)
A FUTURE WHERE THEY’RE STILL PLAYING PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL
Here are my Super Bowl Predictions:
2008
Minnesota Vikings 24, Indianapolis Colts 14
2009
St. Louis Rams 42, Pittsburgh Steelers 35
2010
Miami Dolphins 17, Washington Redskins 12
2011
Miami Dolphins 35, New Orleans Saints 0
2012
Miami Dolphins 78, Dallas Cowboys 0
2013
Miami Dolphins 254, Dallas Cowboys 0
2014
Miami Dolphins 3,340, Dallas Cowboys 0 1
2015
Dallas Cowboys 21, New England Patriots 17 2
2016
Florida Jaguars 31, Arizona Cardinals 9
2017
Arizona Cardinals 21, Baghdad Tigers 12
2018
Kansas City Chiefs 27, San Francisco Sodomites 17
2019
(Super Bowl cancelled)
2020
North America Survivors 26, Southern Wastelands 14
2021
North America Survivors 27, EuroNordic Alliance 26 (OT)
2022
(Super Bowl cancelled)
2023
(Super Bowl cancelled)
2024
Sector B5 Meta-Creatures 52, Human Playthings 7
2025
Sector B5 Meta-Creatures 64, Human Playthings 0
2026
Miami Dolphins 45, Sector B5 Meta-Creatures 14 3
INSTRUCTIONS ON DEFROSTING MY HEAD
Defrosting isn’t as easy as you’d think.
The best way to defrost my head is simply to move it from the cryogenic freezer to a refrigerator. Make sure you place my head in a pan at least two inches deep; you’re going to want to catch all my juices.
If you want my head up and shouting sooner, then place my head in a big pot full of cold water. Allow a half an hour of soaking time per pound of head until thawing is complete. Replace the water every half hour and make sure my head is in a leak-proof package because brain tissue can absorb moisture and become mushy.
It’s also possible to defrost my head in the microwave. Set the power to low-medium for six minutes per pound, rotating my head occasionally.
DO NOT thaw my head by leaving it out overnight in a room-temperature environment (like a picnic cooler). I will become susceptible to contamination by bacteria like salmonella or something. Do not let me be contaminated with salmonella or something, because when you reattach me to that prisoner’s body, I will be angry!
Looking forward to seeing you,
Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, DFA
WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED?
WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED? THAT’S THE WRONG QUESTION. WE HAVEN’T LEARNED ANYTHING. YOU LEARNED. I ALREADY KNOW EVERYTHING IN THIS BOOK, OR I COULDN’T POSSIBLY HAVE WRITTEN IT. DON’T MAKE THIS ABOUT ME. YOU ALWAYS DO THAT. IT’S ABOUT YOU AND WHAT YOU’VE LEARNED FROM ME.
But make no mistake—my book isn’t a monologue; it’s a dialogue—a dialogue between me and my opinions, and you’ve been welcomed to eavesdrop on us.
Just a glance back at the Table of Contents should give you a pretty good idea of those things about which you didn’t know my opinions before you read the book, which you know now.
You’ve learned about the forces aligned to destroy America—whether they be terrorists, environmentalists, or Kashi brand breakfast cereals. You’ve learned how to detect left-wing media bias by looking at the media and saying “It’s biased.” You’ve learned that my dog’s name is Gipper. What’s more, you’ve learned many things that will anger you when they are left out or altered in the eventual movie adaptation of this book.
And there’s so much more. In fact, however carefully you’ve just read this book, there are sure to be lessons within it that you’ve yet to fully comprehend. That’s why you should buy a fresh copy and read it again. The smell and feel of a new book is part of the lesson.
And remember, just because you bought this book, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t buy the audio book. There are some things that simply cannot be conveyed in print. Inflection, for instance.
Plus, I’m working on a quote-a-day calendar (as well as an audio quote-a-day calendar). There’s a lot of repurposing of content yet to be done, believe me! I’m certain that each of these products will become a valuable tool in your social justice toolbox, and each will probably feature a small amount of original bonus material.
FROM HERE, TO WHERE NOW, DO WE GO?
This is where you come in. You need to take the lessons of this book and apply them in your community—at the ballot box, at your local School Board meeting, when you’re crossing a picket line, when you’re volunteering your time and firearms at a Texas border fence. Heck, there’s no reason not to try cold-calling random people out of the phone book and telling them what you’ve learned. (If they’re not home, leave a long message—maybe the chapter on The Media?)
Once you’re armed with my knowledge, you should never again be afraid to speak up. For the more you speak up, the louder you become. And the more you speak up in my voice, the louder I become. If someone has a problem with it, just say, “Well, it’s not just my opinion, it’s Stephen Colbert’s opinion, and I happen to agree.” Then it’s two against one, and we win.
I am America (and so can You!) Page 19