Jesse Jackson is here, the Reverend. Haven’t heard from the Reverend in a little while. I had him on the show. Very interesting and challenging interview. You can ask him anything, but he’s going to say what he wants, at the pace that he wants. It’s like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.
Arctic Circle lost by T.K.O.
Justice Scalia is here. Welcome, sir. May I be the first to say, you look fantastic. How are you?
Just talking some Sicilian with my paisan.
“Paisan” is Italian for “Partisan,” right?
John McCain is here. John McCain, John McCain, what a maverick! Somebody find out what fork he used on his salad, because I guarantee you it wasn’t a salad fork. This guy could have used a spoon! There’s no predicting him. By the way, Senator McCain, it’s so wonderful to see you coming back into the Republican fold. I have a summer house in South Carolina; look me up when you go to speak at Bob Jones University. So glad you’ve seen the light, sir.
The “Straight-Talk Express” may, in fact, make local stops!!
Mayor Nagin! Mayor Nagin is here from New Orleans, the chocolate city! Yeah, give it up. Mayor Nagin, I’d like to welcome you to Washington, D.C., the chocolate city with a marshmallow center. And a graham cracker crust of corruption. It’s a Mallomar,7 I guess is what I’m describing, a seasonal cookie.
Nagin will show you his righteous indignation for beads.
Joe Wilson is here, Joe Wilson right down here in front, the most famous husband since Desi Arnaz. And of course he brought along his lovely wife Valerie Plame. Oh, my god. Oh, what have I said? I am sorry, Mr. President, I meant to say he brought along his lovely wife, Joe Wilson’s wife. Patrick Fitzgerald is not here tonight? OK. Dodged a bullet.
And, of course, we can’t forget the man of the hour, new press secretary, Tony Snow. Secret Service name, “Snow Job.” Toughest job. What a hero. Took the second toughest job in government, next to, of course, the ambassador to Iraq.
Got some big shoes to fill, Tony. Big shoes to fill. Scott McClellan could say nothing like nobody else. McClellan, of course, eager to retire. Really felt like he needed to spend more time with Andrew Card’s children. Mr. President, I wish you hadn’t made the decision so quickly, sir.
I was vying for the job myself. I think I would have made a fabulous press secretary. I have nothing but contempt for these people. I know how to handle these clowns.
In fact, sir, I brought along an audition tape, and with your indulgence, I’d like to at least give it a shot. So, ladies and gentlemen, my press conference.
[What followed was a riveting documentary on the dangers of Helen Thomas. Imagine that you are watching it.]
Helen Thomas, ladies and gentlemen. Mr. Smith, members of the White House Correspondents’ Association, Madame First Lady, Mr. President, it’s been a true honor. Thank you very much. Good night!
I’m happy to say my speech was met with respectful silence.8 You could hear a pin drop. Or a sphincter clamp.
The President was the first one to greet me. “Well done,” he said. That was payment enough. That, and the check in my breast pocket.
INDEX
A
America, see
Colbert, Stephen
B
C
Colbert, Stephen
thoughts on…
American Family, the
Animals
Class
Higher Education
Hollywood
Homosexual Agenda, the
Immigrants
Media, the
Old People
Race
Religion
Science
Sex & Dating
Sports
D
E
F
G
H
I
J
K
L
M
N
O
P
Q
R
S
Stephen Colbert, see
Colbert, Stephen
T
U
V
W
X
Y
Z
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Without the support of the following groups and individuals, I Am America (And So Can You) would be merely I Want to Be America (But How?)
Thank you to Jamie Raab and her team at Grand Central Publishing; Bob Castillo, Jimmy Franco, Tom Whatley and Anne Twomey for their patience, counsel and trust.
Many thanks to Doyle Partners for their design prowess. Stephen Doyle, August Heffner, and Staci MacKenzie made this process a joyful collaboration.
Thanks to Jake Chessum and his crew for our beautiful cover and chapter photography.
Erica Myrickes was indispensable. And the book would not be possible without the enthusiasm, talent and support of Hilary Siegel, Katie Bruggeman, and the entire staff and crew of The Colbert Report.
Thanks to Robin Sanders for making this book legal.
Thank you to Jon Stewart for inspiration and guidance.
The photographic skills and intrepid spirits of John Bedolis and Andrew Matheson were essential, as were the wardrobe and make-up savvy of Antonia Xereas and Kerrie Plant-Price.
Thank you to Ben Karlin for his advice and encouragement.
Also, huge thanks to James Dixon, Dan Strone, Carrie Byalick, Cliff Gilbert-Lurie, Doug Herzog, Michele Ganeless and everyone at Comedy Central.
Finally, thanks to the following people who got us through this process and who we are lucky to have in our lives:
The Brumm Family and Camille March, Jennifer and Luka Buneta, The Community, Rita Cooley and the family, Leyla and Madison Dahm and the Dahm family, The Dinello Family and Your Soul Mate, The Dubbin family and Cailin Goldberg-Meehan, Christina Gausas, Glenn’s family, Debra Downing Grosz, Emily Gwinn Hall, Adrian Jones, The Katsir/Schimer/Gold Family and Adina Lemeshow, The Krafft Family, The Lesser family, Sharon Long and the Long family, Anne Martin and Shermy, Meredith’s family, The Silverman/Smart family, The McGee Family, Lorna Colbert and her Hilarious Brood, and Madeleine, Peter and John, and Evie McGee for her love and patience.
And to anyone we’ve forgotten, please accept our apologies, and we’ll see you in the paperback.
ORIGINAL ILLUSTRATIONS AND GRAPHICS:
Andro Buneta August Heffner Kristopher Long Amanda Pastenkos
ORIGINAL PHOTOGRAPHS:
John Bedolis Jake Chessum Andrew Matheson
PHOTOS/ ILLUSTRATIONS/ GRAPHICS:
COVER
Photography: Jake Chessum; Hair & Make-up Artist: Kerri R. Plant-Price; Wardrobe Stylist: Antonia Xereas; Digital Imaging: Jonathan Podwil; Illustration of Stephen (backcover flap): Joe Quesada TM & © 2007 Marvel Characters, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
INTRODUCTION
Chapter Opener: Chessum.
HOW TO READ
Sign: Buneta.
MY AMERICAN CHILDHOOD
Personal Photo: Martin Luther Kindergarten.
THE FAMILY
Chapter Opener: Chessum; Charles Manson: AP; Sly & the Family Stone Getty Images; Single Parent Family: iStockphoto; Old Maid: Corbis; Optical Illusion: Buneta; Grandparents: iStockphoto; Aunts and Uncles: Corbis; First Cousins: iStockphoto; Second Cousins; AP; 50th Cousins (planet earth): iStockphoto.
OLD PEOPLE
Chapter Opener: Chessum; Protein Pudding Coupon: Buneta; Elderly Maze (Funzone): Long; Oldest Man: iStockphoto.
ANIMALS
Chapter Opener: Chessum; Florida Cougar: Getty Images; California Condor: Getty Images; Hawaiian Monk Seal: AP; Ocelot: Getty Images; Pére David’s Deer: Getty Images; Bighorn Sheep: Getty Images; Iberian Lynx: Getty Images; Harry-Nosed Wombat: iStockphoto; Cow: Mary Ann Kirigin; Cow Diagram: Buneta; Food Pyramid: Long; Pat the Bunny: Andrew Matheson; FunZone Balls: Photos John Bedolis/ Illustrations Long.
REL
IGION
Chapter Opener: Chessum; Jesus: Buneta; Ozzy: AP; Gladys Knight & The Pips: AP; Crucifix: Buneta; Cross w/o Jesus: Buneta; Mormon Church: iStockphoto; Il David: iStockphoto; Hindu God: iStockphoto; Saint Sebastian: Corbis; Book inside Bible: Matheson; Travolta: Photofest; Matt Lauer: AP; Fat Joint: Matheson; Charles Darwin: Library of Congress; Waffles: iStockphoto; Ascent of God Illustration: Buneta; Burning Bush: Long; Fun Zone Religion Convert: R. Dubbin.
MY AMERICAN ADOLESCENCE
Personal Photo: Porter-Gaud School.
SPORTS
Chapter Opener: Chessum; Classic Smack: Long; World’s Strongest Man: Getty Images; Advertise Here: Buneta; Kraft Seven Seas Dressing: Matheson; Caber Toss: AP; Sports Fan: Matheson; Nixon: Library of Congress; FDR: Library of Congress; T. Roosevelt: Library of Congress; Taft: Library of Congress; Liar’s Poker: Matheson; Abstinence Bases: Buneta.
SEX & DATING
Chapter Opener: Chessum; Bandit with Sack: Long; Octopus: iStockphoto; Chimpanzee Sex: Corbis; Knight: Buneta; Damsel: Long; LeBron James: Getty Images; Dancing Feet: Long; Stephen Thumbs Up: Chessum; Soul Mate: Buneta.
HOMOSEXUAL AGENDA
Chapter Opener: Chessum; Men Kissing: iStockphoto; Throw Rug: iStockphoto; Clive Owen: Getty Images; Origami: iStockphoto; Dog Whisperer: Getty Images; Baby Carrots: iStockphoto; Mr. Sulu: © 2007 CBS Studios Inc. STAR TREK and related marks are trademarks of CBS Studios Inc. All Rights Reserved; Neil Patrick Harris: Corbis; Formerly Gay Man: Matheson; Adopted child: iStockphoto; Gay Marriage: Getty Images; Tucked in T-Shirt: Matheson; Gay Clergy: Getty Images; Gay Leather Man: Photo courtesy Hothouse.com; Halloween Pug: AP; Oklahoma Cowboy: iStockphoto; Volley Ball: iStockphoto; Hannity Spots Colbert: Long.
HIGHER EDUCATION
Chapter Opener: Chessum; Ted Kaczynski: AP; Charlie Manson: AP; Gloria Steinman: AP; Evil Spock: © 2007 CBS Studios Inc. STAR TREK and related marks are trademarks of CBS Studios Inc. All Rights Reserved; Professor: Matheson.
HOLLYWOOD
Chapter Opener: Chessum; Morgan Freeman: Photofest; Groucho: AP; Gerbil: iStockphoto; Burl Ives: Corbis; E.Y. Harburg: AP; Bill Melendez: Jeff Arnold; Kim Hunter: Corbis; Larry Adler: AP; David Robison: Paula Robison; Judy Holiday: Corbis; George Clooney: Photofest; Sean Penn: Getty Images; Barbara Streisand: Getty Images; Tim Robbins: Getty Images; Kirsten Dunst: Corbis; Bring it On: Photofest; Marie Antoinette: Photofest; Leonardo Di Caprio: Getty Images; Rosie O’Donnell: Getty Images; Sheryl Crow: Getty Images; Alec Baldwin: Corbis; Mort Sinclair: Getty Images; Lion: iStockphoto.
MY AMERICAN MATURITY
Personal Photo: Jim Margolis.
THE MEDIA
Chapter Opener: Chessum; Katie Couric: Getty Images; Law & Order: NBC/Universal; Charles Gibson: ABC; Wesley Snipes: Corbis; Car Bomb: Getty Images; Amy: Corbis; Tucker Carlson: MSNBC; James Carville: Corbis; Boston Cream Pie: Matheson.
CLASS
Chapter Opener: Chessum; Clerk: Getty Images; Rich Family: Getty Images; Poor Family: Library of Congress;
RACE
Chapter Opener: Chessum; The Invisible Man: Photofest; LBJ: LBJ Library photo by Cecil Stoughton; Race Track: Long; Ex-Civil Rights Leader: Matheson.
IMMIGRATION
Chapter Opener: Chessum; Berlin Wall: AP; Pottery Mug: iStockphoto; Old Colossus: Paul Smith TM & ©2007 Marvel Characters, Inc. All Rights Reserved; Ocupado Plaque: Long; Sports Fan: Matheson.
SCIENCE
Chapter Opener: Buneta; Atronomy Triangulum: Long; DNA Illustration: iStockphoto; USA vs. Periodic Table: Long; Prof. Wonder: Mark Wenzel; Fishbowl: Long; Pitcher of Water: iStockphoto; Hamster: iStockphoto;
A NOTE TO THE FUTURE
Chapter Opener: Chessum.
WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED
Chapter Opener: Chessum.
HOW TO RETIRE THIS BOOK
Instruction Illustrations: Buneta.
WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS DINNER
WH Illustration: Corbis; White House Correspondents’ Association; Getty Images.
1 Yep, down here too.
2 I’m going to take a second here to praise the work of Monsanto. Good people. Doing a fine job protecting our nation’s food supplies with their insect-resistant Frankenstein corn. They don’t coddle pests and I respect that.
1 Also, wouldn’t have had time to add this footnote.
2 Literally. Since I’m one-thirteenth Chickasaw, I pulled some strings and had our family home recognized as a tribal reservation. Children who disagree with me risk being deported.
3 Ironically, Spiderman had to learn this from his uncle.
4 A corollary to this rule is that dads should buy a lot of life insurance. I mean tons. Enough to make the cops suspicious when he dies.
5 Wives, never withhold sex as a weapon. It’s a hungry dog that turns over the trash.
6 Apparently paramecia only come in one sex. Sorry that you had to learn that.
7 Another coded message: “Can’t your father help you?” means “Feel free to take drugs.”
8 At least until it’s outsourced to Bangalore.
9 Also, you can’t spell “emotional abuse” without “bus.” I don’t use public transportation.
10 You’d think a national organization could make it clearer that the commitment lasts beyond the photo op.
11 Annulment, on the other hand, is a fantastic option if you’re in a sticky spot. All you have to do is prove to a church tribunal that there was a canonical impediment to your marriage which made the sacrament invalid when it was performed. That last, “when it was performed” thing is the tricky part. For instance, if you’re really stuck on getting a divorce, you can just cheat on your wife once, and that’s grounds. For an annulment, you have to prove that you fully intended to cheat on your wife even before you got married. That’s tough, because most guys don’t know their nannies before they get married.
12 Or die by. I’ve got an all-purpose eulogy that uses the same system.
1 Planet Animal 2: Moon Animals!
2 A major weapon in the War on Testicles is language. What do we call the offspring of our cats and dogs? Not a “Bounty” or a “Blessing” but a “Litter”!
3 One minute they’re telling you how important it is to save some endangered species no one has ever heard of, the next they’re begging you to neuter your pets. Which is it, more animals or less? You can’t have your Spotted Owl4 and eat it too.
4 For the record, delicious.
1 Note to Publisher: For Dutch edition, change to “Belgium.”
I am America (and so can You!) Page 21