2 On the plus side, you wouldn’t get a $100 ticket for parking in front of your own TV studio for, like, thirty seconds. C’mon!
3 Once again, a reporter who failed to interview anybody who was actually there.
4 Or a team of exiled Jewish physicists. Those guys really had a bee in their bonnet about something.
5 If you believe that, I’ve got some swampland in the Kingdom of Reuben to sell you!
6 Some may doubt God’s hand here, but do you know what Truman’s job was before being President? He sold hats.
7 Train races! Why isn’t there more of this? We could build parallel tracks, or there could just be time trials. We can figure the specifics out later. Get on this, Amtrak!
8 I’m sure the Pope would put on a polo shirt and boat shoes, if that would make you feel more comfortable.
9 Any religion that calls itself “Friends” comes across as a little desperate.
10 I recommend a thong. Nothing turns the ladies off more than a visible jockey-line.
11 Which the Jews call Matzo.
12 Except for the Jews.
13 Starring Christian Bale, directed by Christopher Nolan. Coincidence?
14 Just add Jesus.
15 The Hindus have an elephant-headed god Ganesha, and I’ll grant it’s hard not to worship a deity that can eat hay without using its fingers.
16 Islam is a great and true religion revealed in the Holy Koran which was dictated by the angel Gabriel to the final prophet Mohammed, Blessing and Peace Be Upon Him.
17 Member of the Holy Trinity and he couldn’t even beat Italy?
18 The Colbert Empowerment System is different. It’s not a cult, it’s a Mind Management System™ that removes “the unwanted cash that’s holding you back.”
15 However, I can’t say I love Easter. Pastel colors wash me out.
1 Some Ivy Leaguers claim that sports, in fact, originated in Ancient Greece. But athletes back then were nude men covered in oil, which means that the Ancient Greek sports were pretty gay, and therefore, not sports “as we know them.” There are no gays in modern sports, with the one exception being all of women’s sports.
2 Names have not been changed. If Carl can’t handle it maybe he should find another church basement to dribble in. No one drives my lane without paying a toll.
3 If you wanted me to use your brand name, TiVo, you should have sprung for the sponsorship. I’ll say it again, no free rides.
3 Every night I carry the weight of the nation on my shoulders. Top that, Iceland’s Magnus Ver Magnusson!
4 Called a “bi-athlon” for a reason
1 You seem a little tense. I give a great massage—maybe that will loosen you up?
2 If you think temporary tattoos are okay, perhaps I can interest you in some temporary eternal damnation?
3 Although sometimes there’s nothing better than having sex while arguing.
5 If you lost your lunch at “spermatophore,” then whatever you do, don’t look up “hemipenis.”
6 Tr-cy G-ll-w-y is actually a composite of several girls I dated, including Tracy McGee and Evie Galloway.
7 That’s what she said!!!
8 Hope he doesn’t fall too far. Hemophiliacs bruise easily.
1 Yes, gays, I know: it’s vest or cummerbund. Now do you see my point?
2 Here’s another oldie but goodie: Q: Why did the gay fireman wear red suspenders? A: He didn’t. He wanted his pants to fall down.
3 A quick word about gay children. And by that I mean “children of gays” rather than “children who are gay.” I don’t believe someone can choose to be gay until they’ve experienced either college or The Rocky Horror Picture Show, whichever comes first.
1 Other games I don’t play: Boggle, Scrabble, Scatagories, travel Yahtzee.
2 I will play the stationary version of Yahtzee in a vehicle, but only if the vehicle is parked and/or docked.
3 I don’t want to be too hard on Burl. He eventually came around and testified to HUAC, turning in Pete Seeger. “If I Had A Hammer”…and sickle!
4 I give these new movies two thumbs up—to gouge out my eyes.
5 I recommend RoundUp by the good folks at Monsanto!
6 I even tried changing the batteries.
1 Evidently, playing Kaiser Roll Basketball with the deep-fat frier is too “out there” for the Arby’s Corporation.
2 Fun Fact: NPR broadcasts at the same frequency as a coma patient’s brainwaves.
3 “Soft-cheese asphyxiation” is the 2nd leading cause of death among intellectuals, after “drinking with Christopher Hitchens.”
1 If you’re late one more time, you’re fired, Dad.
2 To future readers: I assume we’re at war with someone.
1 Approximately from 1864 to the recording of “Ebony and Ivory.”
2 If race were a sweater, it would be made of cashmere, and you could only wash it by hand.
3 I’m pretty sure there are other terms, but my publicist insists that there aren’t.
4 The stereotype ends now. Black people DO NOT drink more water than other races.
5 With the help of Stevie Wonder and Paul McCartney.
6 eRace is a registered trademark of Stephen Colbert’s web-based diversity program.
7 In the same way I assume that everybody is White, I assume that every traffic light is green. This sort of positive thinking gets me home 15 minutes sooner.
8 I don’t see color, but I do see luster, and people with a semi-gloss finish are lazy.
9 Sign me up! Sarcastically.
10 He actually said this.
1 And don’t you dare put any of them upside-down and in front of sentences.
2 What Alamo?
3 SkyMall® has some great deals.
4 And you’d better be baking an apple pie.
5 My guidance counselor told me to follow my dreams, but it’s hard to get a job as a dragonfly.
2 It doesn’t feel like we’re rotating.
3 Answer: Madness.
4 Only good method: rhythm.
5 Wrong! If that crayfish had bigger claws, it would pants you in a second.
6 Not to mention baboonity.
7 If I believe washer fluid is a sports drink, that’s my business.
8 IKEA, give your products American names. I don’t want to buy anything called a “Ramvik Svalov.”
9 My A8 actually has 10 cyninders. The last two just heat the bread warmer in my glove compartment. Mmm. Warm buscuits at 80 mph.
10 Until she sees the ring-ring.
1 Just for the record, this game was a lot closer than the score indicates.
2 First Super Bowl following UN-mandated execution of Miami Dolphins
3 In my opinion, the Miami Dolphins should have been reanimated a few years earlier, but hey, I’m not the Pan-Galactic Sporting Commissioner.
1 People who did not skip ahead to this chapter, but read the book from start to finish as intended.
2 Reminder: Pay myself licensing fee for reprinting it here.
3 Percent of President Bush that cares about polls: 3%. (Margin of error: ±3%)
4 “The Panama Canal was built in 1941.” Now it’s in a book, so it must be a fact. Eat it, Britannica!
5 President’s side: Fair. Vice President’s side: Balanced. (And vice versa!)
6 To editors of Eastern European editions: Please redact the “secret prisons” part.
7 As desserts go, it’s way better than the “Heckuva-Job” Brownie.
I am America (and so can You!) Page 22