by M. Robinson
I must have fallen asleep at some point because when I woke up, James was sitting in the chair sleeping. I sat myself up a little and the tray table skid across the floor, waking him up. He brushed the sleep off his eyes and cracked his neck.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
He smiled, relieved that I was awake and talking. “I’ve been here the entire time, Gianna. Who do you think called 9-1-1? I found Mack pretty close to where I left you. She was passed out with a nasty gash on her leg. I carried her back to you and I found you foaming at the mouth and talking incoherently. The paramedic said it was a mild seizure. They brought you both here immediately and I rode with them.”
“Oh,” I stated. “What did you tell them?”
“I told them I was hiking in the woods and found you guys. They haven’t asked many questions. I think they’re waiting to talk to you guys.”
“Don’t worry, James. I have no intention of turning you in, and I’m sure Mack feels the same way,” I clarified, not wanting him to stress.
“I know. They haven’t been able to get ahold of your parents and I think that’s why they’ve allowed me to stay with you. I haven’t been told much information though. I’m assuming you’re all right. You look…better,” he stated, leaning forward and putting his elbows on his knees.
“I feel like shit, but the medication is helping. I’m not concerned with what happens now; I’m scared of what happens when I leave. All I can think about right now is how bad I want a drink. Even after the doctor has warned me about liver failure, I’m still jonesing for something to take the edge off,” I confessed, playing with the ends of my hair.
“It’s over,” he observed.
He knew I needed to hear it. “I forgive you. I forgive both of you. I’m free, Gianna. I can start my life fresh now and you can, too. You both can. You don’t have to live with the remorse anymore. No more blaming yourself. We all ruined our lives and it’s time to move on. You’re a beautiful girl who deserves a fresh start. You need to try.”
“I know. It’s not that easy though. I have no idea where to even start. I’ve numbed myself for so long.”
“I understand. It’s scary. Trust me, I’m terrified, too. Maybe you and Mack can work on your friendship, you can be in each other’s lives again.”
“Right. I know I would like that,” I related.
“I’m sure she would, too.”
We stayed silent for a while. Both of us lost in our thoughts on what to say next. I was dreading what was to come. As much as I wished it could be different, I knew better than to give myself false illusions.
“What happens now, with you? Am I ever going to see you again?” he shrugged and cocked an eyebrow.
“I’m in the same boat you are. I have been filled with revenge and hate for the last several years and now it’s my turn to start over. My father died a few years ago and he left me quite a bit of money. I’m thinking I may start a business or something independent. It will probably be difficult for me to get employment. I’d like to buy a house on a lake, maybe. Something quiet and away from the chaos,” he said.
“With a woman? Have a family again? Is that in your plans, too?” The bitter tone in my voice was inevitable, but I couldn’t help it. The thought of him being with someone else who wasn’t me made me want to drink. I had to stop thinking like that.
He scratched his head. “I think it’s a little early to start thinking about that. At least for me...” I turned my face to look out the window. I didn’t want to have this conversation. I didn’t want to say goodbye. I said goodbye to him once and it nearly killed me. What would it do this time?
The moon was bright. All the stars in the sky made me think about when I was a child and wished on that shooting star. If I saw one right then, I would wish there was a world where James and I could be together. Where our love would prevail and it was all or nothing. I wanted to get up and open a window, I felt like I was suffocating. I didn’t know what I expected. How did I get my heart back from a man it rightfully belonged to? I couldn’t watch my happiness leave me again. I just couldn’t do it.
I knew I needed to love myself before I could think about loving someone else. That was the problem all along. It took eight years to finally figure it out. First thing I needed to do was work on myself. The only reason I was in such a situation was because I wasn’t happy as a person and I allowed that to influence me.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, bringing my attention back to him. “You’re not completely to blame for everything that transpired. It could have been different. But there’s no point to reminisce about things we can’t change. It’s in the past and it would be better for all of us to just leave it there.”
I nodded. “I agree.”
He chuckled. “Wow. I thought you were going to argue with me.”
“There’s nothing left to fight for, James.” His eyebrows raised and hurt was evident among his eyes.
He got up to walk over to me, but I put my hand up in the air. “Don’t,” I pleaded. “Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be. We had our closure, remember? Just wish me well and walk away.”
He blinked a few times, taking in my request. “Please take care of yourself, Gianna.” Concerned and hurt layered his voice.
“You, too, James.” He nodded and walked toward the door, turning before walking out.
“You know, Gianna really is a beautiful name,” he said, making me chuckle. “I think you should bury G and embrace Gianna.”
“I think you’re right.”
He smiled and walked out of my life for the last time.
I waited for the chaos to erupt the second I heard the door close. I thought the emotions I would feel would have me pulling out my IV and discharging myself to go to the nearest bar. To my surprise, I felt peace. I think that’s the best word to describe it…had this whole ordeal been a blessing in disguise? How morbid is it to even think that?
My captor had become my savior…
The next morning I was forced to eat cereal and do laps in the hallway. My stiff muscles were sore before I even made it back to the bed. The nurse gave me a few magazines and I had gotten so lost in the celebrity gossip that I didn’t even hear Mack come in.
“I worked at that magazine,” she said, making me look up. She looked better, healthier. “Did I miss anything pivotal?”
“Yeah, Christian Donovon broke up with Ashley Mayor,” I replied, making her smile.
“I spoke to the cops this morning, Mack. They wanted my statement and I told them that I didn’t remember anything. They didn’t really believe me, but I wasn’t going to turn him in, again. I couldn’t do it.”
She nodded. “Yeah, I know. He came to my room after he left yours. Are you okay?”
“I think so. I can’t get any worse.”
She sat at the edge of my bed. “He’s just as lost as you are, Gia. I know that probably doesn’t make you feel any better. But he’s just as lost and confused. I know you still love him and I know he still loves you.”
“I hate feelings. They fucking suck,” I sighed.
She laughed and gave me a sad smile. “Sometimes you have to walk away from people you love to find yourself.”
“You’re like the Dalai Lama right now, do you want to give me a fortune cookie, too?”
“Asshole,” she stated, trying not to laugh.
“How are you holding up?”
“I’m okay, I’m just tired more than anything. I get discharged tomorrow though. So…” We smiled at each other. It felt familiar and comforting to be sitting with her like we had when we were younger, like nothing had changed even thought everything had.
“Where are you going?” I questioned, not wanting to break the open line of communication.
“I have no fucking idea.” We both laughed. “I have a house that I rented when I was having a mental breakdown. I’m pretty sure it’s a piece of shit and I didn’t really make a wise investment. I can’t see myself go
ing back there. I’m done running away. I need to try something else.”
“Agreed,” I responded.
“Are you scared?”
“Absolutely. I’m terrified.”
“I understand, but at least everything is out now,” she justified.
I sat up higher. “Yeah…about that, Mack. I need–”
We both turned when the door unexpectedly pushed open.
“GG! GG! GG!” she repeated, running over to me and jumping into my arms. I closed my eyes, not wanting to ruin the moment.
I hugged her tight, breathing in her little girl smell. I hadn’t seen her since Christmas. I took a deep breath before opening my eyes. We locked eyes with each other and I didn’t have to wonder if she knew. It was written all over her face. I looked back at Abby and I couldn’t imagine a life without her or a world without her in it, and that very well could have happened if I hadn’t gotten that phone call from AJ telling me she needed a blood transfusion. Looking at her now, you would have never known that she was a tiny, premature baby.
The second I saw her I knew she was a product of my dad and McKenzie.
“Abigail, you don’t run away from me like that,” he said, just as he turned the corner to come into my room. He abruptly stopped when he saw us.
“McKenzie,” he said.
“Kyle,” she replied.
And then the peace was gone…
“Hi, my name is Gianna Edwards and I’m an alcoholic. It’s been ten months since I took my last drink. I’m receiving my tenth-month sobriety chip tonight. I can’t say that it hasn’t been hard because it has. My sponsor, family, and friends have been extremely supportive, and for the first time in my life, I’m not scared every morning when I wake up. I have feelings and emotions that I struggle with on a daily basis. I used to self-medicate with anything I could get my hands on; I was a human garbage disposal. I’m not proud of the things I have done, but I have forgiven myself and I try to stay optimistic about the future. I’ve slowly forgiven myself,” I nervously laughed. “Umm…that’s all I have to say, I guess. Thank you.”
Everyone stood up and applauded, and I can’t help but blush and smile. My sponsor was in the back of the room and she called me over.
“You did good, girl.”
“That was fun…not really, but look at my shiny chip.” I held it up in my hand while she laughed.
“I barely recognize you from the skinny, paled, pathetic girl I met six months ago. You look healthy and dare I say happy.”
I grinned. “I wouldn’t go that far. I’m joking. I feel good. I just focus on how I feel every day and I take one day at a time.”
“Look at you, you’re like the spokesperson for sobriety.” I shrugged.
“I’m going to let you go celebrate. I’m proud of you.”
“Thanks.”
I was free of all the lies and I felt amazing. As soon as Mack realized that her child was alive and I knew about Abigail being a product of her and my father’s relationship, our rekindled friendship kind of fizzled.
I knew that they were together and although I didn’t understand it, I respected it. My dad was very active in my life and that was good enough for me.
As far as Mack, she has her own story to tell and I knew nothing about it. She has her own journey to share with her own mistakes, lies, betrayals, and confessions. Don’t we all…maybe I’ll hear it someday or maybe I won’t. I know there are always two sides to every story and I’m sure she has hers.
Everything happens for a reason and I know that now.
I went into a ninety-day rehab program when I was discharged from the hospital. I almost checked myself out three times. My counselor talked me down though, and with her help, I stayed to live another sober day. They make you write down all your feelings, and I mean everything, especially the real personal stuff. When my parents came in for family therapy, it was one of the times I almost checked myself out. To hear everything I put them through was excruciating. I never realized how bad I hurt everyone around me, most of all my parents. It nearly sent me over the edge, but my counselor reassured me that it was normal.
If I hadn’t tried to leave, she would have been more concerned. I also realized how blatantly stupid I was for thinking that they couldn’t tell I was an alcoholic. They knew the entire time. One of the hardest things that I have ever had to do was look my parents in the face and tell them that I had a problem, and not only that, but that I was a liar. I divulged all my secrets about James, my childhood, Jake, the rape, every last bit. I never thought I would see hurt like I had on my mom’s face. My dad remained strong like he always was, but my mom broke down. I was petrified that they would disown me and I informed them of that. They both just embraced me and we all cried together. It was very spiritual and therapeutic.
I regretted my entire life that day; if I had just been honest from the beginning I could have stopped the spiraling results of all the secrets. I’d like to think that I’ve lived three different lives in my life. That I’ve been three different people; Gia, G, and most recently, Gianna. I love Gianna; she’s smart and levelheaded and everything I aspire to be. She’s the person I look up to and she’s the person who saved me. Gia was Mack’s best friend and the girl who could never keep up with anyone. She was the liar. Now…the infamous G, she was the alcoholic and the devil. She was destructive and lost.
I know that I said she was also James’ soul mate, but she never was. It was always Gianna with James; I just didn’t know it until now. I hadn’t spoken to James, although he did reach out to me around four months ago. I still couldn’t talk to him without being afraid that I would relapse. I placed a lot of blame of my drinking problems on him and it’s taken me a while to realize it was never him, it was all me. That was a very brutal and gut wrenching realization for me to have, but as a recovering alcoholic, I have to stop placing blame on others for my decisions. They were mine and mine alone.
I missed him every day and a huge part of me was still with him.
After the first three months of rehab, I was placed in sober living where I currently reside. It was voluntary and I wasn’t ready to be on my own, the temptation was still high and I didn’t want to relapse, I still don’t. My counselor suggested sober living and I signed myself right up. It fit perfectly where my life was at the time, and now I find myself maybe ready for something different. I go to AA at least once a day. I’m working through my twelve steps and they are excruciating but helpful. The peace that I feel in my heart is a feeling that I have never felt before. And even though I am still very much living in the storm, it is calm and serene. The waves don’t engulf me anymore, I ride them smooth until they are flat and I have resurfaced.
I sat by the windowsill of the library in my sober living home, finishing my journal entry for the day when I swear I felt him.
James…
“You look good, Gianna,” he announced, making it crystal clear that he was indeed there.
With me.
I didn’t turn, not knowing what to say.
“You have this glow to you right now. Although, you always had a certain aura about you.”
I sucked in air.
“Take all my loves, my love, yea take them all; what hast thou then more than thou hadst before? No love, my love, that thou mayst true love call; all mine was thine, before thou hadst this more. Then, if for my love, thou my love receivest, I cannot blame thee, for my love thou usest; but yet be blam'd, if thou thy self deceivest by wilful taste of what thyself refusest. I do forgive thy robbery, gentle thief, although thou steal thee all my poverty: and yet, love knows it is a greater grief to bear love's wrong, than hate's known injury. Lascivious grace, in whom all ill well shows, kil me with spites yet we must not be foes,”[14] he recited.
I took a deep breath and turned to find him standing there in slacks and a button down shirt.
“Oh my God,” I declared.
He was holding the Romeo and Juliet book he gave me all those years ago. How
did he find it?
He slowly walked over to me and got down on one knee and my eyes widened. He grabbed my hand and flipped it over, the same arm that had all my scars. He flipped his arm that held his scars and smiled, interlocking them together. He opened his palm and placed the same dried rose petal in between our interlocked hands and I started to cry. He reached into his pocket to produce a new, single, fresh, red rose petal.
“Let’s heal each other,” he whispered, kissing all over my scars.
I didn’t know what the future would hold. All I knew was that in the present, he was kneeling before me.
We were together.
James and Gianna.
And that was good enough for me.
I loved her from the first day of school. When she walked into the classroom I knew we were meant to be together. There was this certain beautiful broken entity about her, from the first smile.
She was mine.
I knew she would be uncertain about our age difference but I didn’t care. None of that mattered to me.
All that mattered was that we were going to be together.
She belonged to me.
But she didn’t.
Her love was a lie.
A secret.
A betrayal.
I don’t understand how she couldn’t love me back. Why couldn’t I get the same passion, devotion, and love? What was wrong with me?
I knew she was cheating on me with him the entire time. I didn't care because I had some of her and that was good enough for me. I loved her that much, I could love her enough for the both of us. I let her go because I thought she would come back to me. That’s what was supposed to happen.
Love is supposed to prevail.
I let her go thinking it was what she needed.
She stole my heart.
So I stole her happiness.
I planned it all.
I told his wife and implanted the seed of making him pay, it was so fucking easy. I thought he would spend the rest of his miserable life in prison. But he didn’t. So I came up with a new plan and he bit at the bait. Just like his wife had. All he had to do was take care of Mack and I took care of Gianna. The plan was set in motion. I was behind the scenes. No traces of my physical involvement, I just pulled the strings. The deal was he would torture her and make her pay for her sins. I thought that would have her running back to me, thinking he was a monster. But it backfired, just like before.