Pennyroyal

by Stella Whitelaw

  “My town car,” he drawled.

  The corner of his mouth lifted in a smile that made Cassy’s heart turn over. The small crooked tooth was so endearing, part of the big man that she loved so much. And she did love him with all her being.

  It was a heady moment as she realised how deeply she loved and wanted him in her life.

  Jake wrapped his arms round her and buried his face in her hair, the damp tendrils clinging to his skin.

  “Don’t let’s fight anymore, angel,” he said. “Leave the past where it belongs. Don’t let their yesterday take away our today. You and I have so much to look forward to and it could be wonderful. It will be wonderful, I promise you.”

  They clung to each other, melding together, their bodies aching with the need for closeness. A pulsing passion raced through their veins. They wanted to feel, to touch, to devour… Cassy responded to Jake’s demanding mouth with an abandon that shook her. I will never forget this moment, she thought as her head swam with delight.

  “Let’s go home,” he said.

  Chapter Ten

  The ringing of the telephone broke through the mist of Cassy’s early morning dream. She stretched out an arm to lift off the receiver, the sheet slipping from her bare shoulder.

  “Hello….” she said sleepily.

  “Miss Cassy? I hope I didn’t wake you, but I had to call you.” It was Mrs. Hadlow. The housekeeper’s dry voice was pitched with excitement.

  “What is it, Mrs. Hadlow? Has something happened?”

  “Well, not exactly happened but it’s something I think you ought to know about since you are so interested in everything to do with Pennyroyal,” Mrs. Hadlow began. “Of course, I know one shouldn’t actually, because they are private but I’m not sure if they are private now that she’s dead.”

  Cassy was afraid to stop the torrent of words. She knew long before Mrs. Hadlow had finished where fate was taking her and it was back to Derbyshire, perhaps her hands on the last clue that would untangle the mystery around Pennyroyal.

  “What do you mean? I’m not quite following you.”

  “Oh, Miss Cassy, I had to start clearing out your grandfather’s things. I’d been putting it off for weeks but it had to be done. I came across a cardboard box; it looked as if it hadn’t been opened for years. All tied up and covered in cobwebs.”

  Cassy rolled over and caught hold of a wrap to put round her shoulders. The bed seemed very large and empty. She wished Jake had stayed, but he had left her in the early hours of the morning. It had been a wonderful evening spent talking and learning about each other; and they hadn’t fought once.

  “There were all sorts of things in the box, mostly belonging to Miss Alician, little trinkets and flipperies that she had treasured. At the bottom of the box was a pile of old exercise books, but they were nothing to do with school. They were diaries, Miss Alician’s diaries.”

  Alician’s diaries… She had been there on the spot, when everything had happened. Perhaps only a schoolgirl, but nevertheless she would not have been blind to what was going on.

  “Mrs. Hadlow, how amazing.” Her voice quivered with excitement. “I’d love to have a look at them.”

  “I hope I did right in phoning you.”

  “Yes, of course you did. I think I’ll come up at the weekend for a flying visit. Would you mind, Mrs. Hadlow?”

  “You’re welcome, any time, you should know that.”

  The days went swiftly with Jake promising to return in time to drive Cassy to Netherdale. She could not wait to read the diaries and hoped they were not simply a catalogue of meals and homework. She knew so little about her mother that even a bare outline of her life as a young girl would be fascinating.

  Eventually Anton told her to go home.

  “Anyone can see you’re beyond concentrating today.” He grinned. “Who’s the lucky man? Or have you been left another mine?”

  “One is quite enough trouble, thank you. The mine is for sale. Are you interested?”

  “I’ll give you a flyer.”

  “Done!”

  Every time Cassy saw Jake, she marvelled again at the height and size of the big man. He stood out against everyone, dwarfing them with his powerful build. She knew it was a primitive feeling that his bulk would protect her from all the blows life might aim, but nevertheless such was the strength he emanated, anyone would think twice before crossing his path.

  He immediately took her in his arms, and they stood close and still, not wanting to break the magic of the moment.

  “Hello, I’ve missed you,” he said.

  “And I’ve missed you,” said Cassy. “It’s been years.”

  “I’m glad we’re going back to Netherdale,” said Jake. “There’s something I want to show you.”

  “Another surprise? Not another Kettlehulme?”

  “No, something even bigger and better than Kettlehulme. You’ll love it,” he grinned. “Especially if you’re wearing the right shoes.”

  “If you’re going to spend the weekend criticising my clothes, then it’s off before it’s even started,” said Cassy, trying to looked annoyed but finding it impossible.

  He drove fast up the motorway but so smoothly that Cassy had complete confidence in his skill as a driver. As the miles slipped by, Cassy was lulled into a dream-like state in the warm cocoon of the purring Mercedes. She wished they could drive on forever, close and intimate, hardly talking but their thoughts attuned.

  They stopped for a quick supper at a Little Chef cafe; Cassy ordered a peach and cottage cheese salad, Jake went for steak and chips.

  Cassy leaned across the table with a smile.

  “You certainly know how to spoil a girl on her first date,” she teased.

  Jake’s face was deadpan. “Is this our first date?”

  “This is the first time you’ve taken me out to a meal.”

  “I bought you sandwiches at the Castle Inn,” he said.

  “And ate half of them yourself.”

  “Things can only get better,” he said placidly.

  Cassy liked his dry, self-mocking humour; it amused her more than other ways of being funny. She was noticing new qualities about him that had escaped her before. Behind that rough and arrogant exterior, he was kind, resolute, fair-minded.

  It was very late when they arrived at Netherdale and as they turned down the lane to Ridge House, Cassy had a wonderful feeling of coming home. She half expected to see the shadowy figure of her grandfather leaning on the gate, his dog at his feet, an arm raised in welcome.

  Mrs. Hadlow was waiting up but after bustling around making hot cocoa, she left them quickly to prepare a room for Jake.

  “These are what you’ll have come for, Miss Cassy,” she said, taking a pile of faded exercise books out of a kitchen drawer. “I’ll leave you to browse through them on your own. Perhaps you’ll find what you’re looking for. She was a lovely girl, I’m sure, a real little beauty, our Alician.”

  “Good night, Mrs. Hadlow,” said Cassy, giving her a quick hug. “We’ll have a long talk tomorrow.”

  When Mrs. Hadlow had disappeared upstairs, Jake came over and kissed Cassy lightly on the cheek. She caught his hand and held it to her face, her eyes alight with love.

  “I’m going to leave you too,” he said, showing a sensitive understanding of the circumstances. “I think you should get to know your mother on your own. I’ll take a walk.”

  “Jake darling, thank you,” she said, her voice trembling. “And for understanding.”

  When he had gone, Cassy pulled a chair over to the fire, fussed around with cushions and fixed a light over her shoulder. She curled up in the armchair and flicked through the lined pages, glancing at the small, neat schoolgirl handwriting. Alician had put the date above each entry and underlined it.

  Cassy sorted through the books putting them into order, though it was tempting to read the last ones first. They were the ones which would surely give the clearest picture of those last days at Pennyroyal.
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br />   She began with the year 1946 when Alician was fifteen, expecting to wade through long descriptions of school, but almost immediately she was plunged into the most unexpected drama:

  He came today to see father. I could hardly stand it, so handsome I couldn’t breathe. When he said hello, I just fell apart, my knees were like water. I was in heaven and I ran out on the moor, just saying his name over and over again, Lewis, Lewis, Lewis, I love you, I love you, I love you…

  Cassy leaned back in the chair and closed her eyes, letting the words sink in. She could hardly believe it. Alician had been in love with Lewis Everand, her father’s boyhood friend, a man who had probably been in and out of Ridge House since she was a baby. A man twice her age and worldly. Cassy discovered that Alician had been following Lewis around for years; no one knew that she nursed such a passion for him.

  She kept it well hidden and no one thought it unusual that she rode or cycled over to Kettlehulme several times a week, that she would happen to meet Lewis at the market in Netherdale, or out walking on the moors. She kept a log of his activities and could track him down any day, any time.

  Found Lewis trying to fix the old well at Kettlehulme. I keep telling him the place is falling down. We had a lovely talk and Lewis told me all his plans for the house. If only I could help him! I would work so hard. We would make Kettlehulme glorious again. I’d give parties in the garden in the summer, and we’d be so happy together. Oh Lewis, wait for me to grow up.

  But he did not wait, did he, thought Cassy, remembering the wedding photograph. Now she could understand the frozen expression on the bridesmaid’s taut face and the crushed flowers.

  Lewis took a day off work. He went out walking with some woman. I pretended not to see them. She is so plain, I couldn’t believe it. I think she’s on holiday, so she’ll soon go. Did nothing today. Didn’t feel like it. Amy has made me a new skirt, gathered and full. Nice.

  Cassy read on, her heart laden with pity for the young girl so infatuated with the older man. Her whole life revolved around him. It was now 1949. Alician’s anguish when he became engaged to Fiona was wordless. She simply filled page after page with his name and the paper was crinkled as if large wet tears had fallen on its surface.

  There was no description of the wedding. She had only written:

  The worst day of my life. Lewis married.

  I shall never stop loving him.

  After the wedding there were fewer references to Lewis and hardly any of Fiona. Alician was immersed in examinations and the prospect of training to be a nurse. She did not put any details, only made a vague note about Thomas Ridgeway lending money to Lewis Everand; perhaps she had tried to ignore the transaction knowing that it was part of Lewis’s dream to make Kettlehulme a fitting home for his bride.

  Cassy rubbed her neck. She was stiff with reading and the fire had almost gone out. She had reached the last exercise book and the entries were short and terse.

  Father and Lewis quarrelled this morning. I couldn’t help hearing. It’s all that woman’s fault. Lewis would not have cheated anyone.

  Cassy was reluctant to read the last pages but she knew she must. A kind of tension was building up; she could feel it in Alician’s writing; the girl had sensed the impending disaster.

  I keep telling father but he won’t believe me. He’s so stubborn, I don’t know what’s happening to Lewis. He looks awful. He’s not himself. Dead tired. Long weekend off soon.

  Cassy was nearing the end now. The date was 22 November 1951, the day that Pennyroyal closed. Alician’s words leapt off the page like a scream from the past.

  He’s dead. Lewis is dead. My beloved, my darling, the most precious person in the world. I cannot believe it. My own father. It was his fault. He would not believe Lewis. I’ll never forgive him. Never, never. He can rot in hell. Oh, my Lewis, my darling. Why did you have to go down the mine? I would not have got you the keys if I had known about the flood. It wasn’t worth dying for, a few bits of fluorspar and barytes to show to my father. I ran to the mine but he told me to go home. They had already taken you away. I never saw you again. Me, who loved you so much. I got soaked. It was pouring. The sky was weeping for you.

  There was only one more entry, dated a few days later.

  Lewis’s funeral. Left Ridge House for good.

  I will never forgive my father, never.

  Cassy began to sob. The past had caught up with a shattering reality. No wonder Alician had been so bitter and consumed with hatred for her father.

  Jake found Cassy still in the chair in the early hours of the morning, sleeping awkwardly, the tears barely dry on her cheeks. He gathered up the diaries, then carried Cassy up the narrow stairs to her bedroom. She stirred in his arms as he shouldered the door open and slid her onto the bed.

  “This is becoming a habit,” she sighed wanly.

  “I’m a very consistent man,” he said, taking off her boots and wrapping the quilt round her slender body.

  “Alician…Lewis….” she murmured softly. “Grandfather…”

  Another large tear gathered under her fluttering eyelids and slowly rolled down her cheek.

  “All at peace, all at rest,” said Jake steadily. He kissed her forehead, stroking back the tousled hair, and left her to sleep.

  It dawned a clear fresh day with fluffy clouds scudding across the sky, chased by an errant wind along the ridges. The grass rippled in waves as the breeze swept over the fields and lost itself on the mauve slopes of the higher moorland.

  Cassy came down to breakfast feeling saddened by all she had learned from Alician’s diaries, but with a sense of relief that at last she knew why her mother had insisted on that last painful promise. It was a burden lifted from Cassy’s mind, though it did not change the fact that she had unknowingly perpetuated Alician’s hatred of her father. Thomas Ridgeway had not deserved such treatment from his daughter or granddaughter.

  She savoured a cup of black coffee while Mrs. Hadlow fussed around, cooking Jake an old-fashioned breakfast of bacon and eggs and potato pancakes. He was already on his second mug of tea. He grinned at Cassy across the table.

  She decided not to put it off any longer. She loved both of them and they each deserved to know the truth.

  “I have to tell you about my mother and at the same time explain something about myself,” said Cassy, knowing that complete honesty was the only way that she and Jake could begin a life together. And she was not even sure of that.

  “You don’t have to say anything,” said Jake quickly.

  “Yes, I must. I want you both to know, although part of what I have to tell you won’t come as much of a surprise to Mrs. Hadlow.”

  Mrs. Hadlow turned the pancakes before answering. “Well, Miss Cassy, I must admit I’ve had my suspicions over the years. That little minx; she couldn’t take her eyes off him and was always hanging around him when he came over. It was more than childish hero-worship. But I don’t think he ever noticed. Or if he did, he never let on.”

  The grin faded from Jake’s face. “Do you mean . . .?” His voice was gentle but insistent. “My father?”

  Cassy found it was all she could do not to turn and cling to him. She did not want him to be hurt by the revelation and she was afraid that it would damage this new fragile feeling between them.

  “Alician was crazy about him,” she said frankly. “She had been for years. It’s all in her diaries. When Lewis married Fiona, Alician must have been the unhappiest bridesmaid ever. You can see it in her eyes on that wedding photograph; she looked frozen even though it was summer-time. Then the bitterness between Thomas Ridgeway and Lewis Everand over Pennyroyal and the strain on their friendship… Poor Alician, her life seemed to be coming apart.”

  “Your mother was in love with Lewis? Yes, I suppose it makes sense of a lot of things,” said Jake. He looked directly at Cassy, his mouth taut, mocking. “She had good taste in men.”

  “But not a lot of sense,” said Mrs. Hadlow briskly. “She was running afte
r a married man, and she was only a child. I tried to tell her she was wasting her young life, but it was not my place. I was only the housekeeper after all.”

  “She was more than a handful for my grandfather, too,” said Cassy. “But I feel sorry for her. There’s no doubt she adored Lewis and his death was something she never got over. I suppose in a way she blamed herself, for she got the key to the mine for Lewis after my grandfather had locked up because of the heavy rainstorm.

  “I think they must have had a terrible row in the office when Alician found out that Lewis had been injured. She blamed Thomas for everything.” She turned to Jake. “Do you remember seeing a pair of women’s shoes on the floor, muddy and mouldy, and certainly not suitable for walking? I think they were Alician’s shoes. I think she ran all the way to Pennyroyal in the rain when she heard of the accident.”

  Mrs. Hadlow coughed, a small discreet noise, as if she did not know whether to intrude between their locked glances.

  “How had she heard about the accident?”

  “Your grandfather phoned here. The ambulance couldn’t get through as Winnats Pass was blocked. He wanted one of the men to bring round a tractor. Alician was like someone demented; she rushed out into the rain. I can see her now, hair streaming, skirts flying, hear her great cry of despair…” Mrs. Hadlow’s voice broke. “When she came back, hours later, she was drenched, her stockings were torn and her feet were bleeding. She couldn’t speak. I put her to bed, in the room you have now, Miss Cassy. I don’t think she ever spoke to your grandfather again.”

  “How dreadful,” Cassy said desolately. “And my poor grandfather. She never forgave him. Even on her deathbed, she still hated him. She m-made me promise…she m-made me promise never to come and see him again. That’s why I never came to see him. I didn’t want to promise but she was my mother, and I loved her.”

  Cassy covered her face. There, it was out at last. Now they knew why she had been so unkind to her grandfather. Her shoulders shook as she remembered all the excuses she made and his kindness and understanding on every occasion.