Man of God

by Diaz, Debra

  As he began to pray, something happened to him that had never happened before. A crushing darkness descended upon his spirit, and he wrestled helplessly with it as his mind was drawn back, back in time to that nightmarish day in Jerusalem…a day of darkness and infernal light, and a sense of oppression so heavy and unbearable that even he, a nonbeliever then, could feel it. Three blood-soaked crosses on the hill of execution called Calvary…God had left Jesus in that hour, left him to wallow in all the mire and filth of human sin, making him the most pathetic and abandoned being in all the universe.

  This feeling of isolation that Paulus now felt could only be infinitesimal compared to that, but he agonized through it all night, sleeping fitfully and wakened by nightmares he couldn’t remember. A voice in his head began to taunt him.

  “You have believed a lie…there is no God…where is he now? Your wife is gone, she is nowhere, it’s as if she never existed…”

  He wasn’t aware that he had groaned aloud until he heard Flavius say, “Paulus?”

  Paulus tried, with long, broken pauses, to tell him what he was experiencing. After a moment Flavius said, “It sounds as though God is testing you, and Satan has moved in to attack you in your weakness. I’ll pray for you—that is all I can do, my friend.”

  Paulus lay on his back and pressed the heel of his hand against his forehead. “Oh, God!” he said, barely above a whisper. “You are the great I AM! Take this trouble from me, give me an assurance of your presence. You are greater than the enemy…send him far from me…”

  Still, silence from heaven. He thought of Job, and all that he had lost. And he remembered what Job had said… Though he slay me, yet will I trust him.

  * * *

  The next day dawned. Paulus forced himself to eat the greasy stew and stale bread that was brought to them. Flavius could eat nothing. In the dim, flickering light, he looked at Paulus’ ravaged face and wondered how his friend was going to live through the day, much less try to rescue his daughter.

  “If the funeral is tomorrow, they will come and get you at daybreak,” he said. “You should try to rest, Paulus, or you’ll be no good to anyone.”

  “I have to think,” Paulus answered, his voice heavy with fatigue. “I have to plan. And if things happen as planned, Flavius, I may not see you again—in this life. I pray God will be with you, whatever happens.”

  “As I will for you, Paulus.”

  “I owe this to Claudius. I wish I could thank him. I wish I could tell him about—”

  “He already knows,” Flavius said. “Those visiting governors and kings you saw—one of the reasons they came here was to consider ways of dealing with the ‘Nazarenes’. I was present during part of it, and our beliefs were discussed.”

  “But he hasn’t heard it from someone he knows.”

  “Oh, yes, he has. Yesterday—from you. You realize, of course, that these men will take what you said back to their own countries. Already God has brought something good out of…what happened.”

  Paulus set aside the clay bowl and took a long drink of water. He couldn’t think about Alysia right now—there was all the rest of his life for that. He had to think about Rachel, and something Susanna had said gave him an idea that began immediately to take shape and form…

  CHAPTER XXIV

  The guards came for him just before dawn. He followed them up the staircase to the first floor of the palace, and stopped abruptly as a woman’s form stepped out from behind a column in the atrium.

  “Megara!”

  Taken aback by his shattered appearance, she looked at the blood covering the front of his tunic. Something in her face softened, and hardened again. She turned haughtily to the guards and said, “I would have a word with this prisoner. He is my former husband.”

  The soldiers, as well as her own guard, remained motionless as she and Paulus walked toward a corner where they would not be overheard. Her words were spoken swiftly, nervously.

  “I heard when they were to come and get you, and so I waited. I want to go to Alysia’s funeral—no, not for her, and not for you. I must get out of this place. If I walk in the procession I may be able to escape. Caligula has given me permission to attend the funeral. He thought it was—well, he laughed. May I go with you?”

  “Won’t you be guarded? If you’re caught trying to escape you’ll probably be killed.”

  “Do you think I care? Not any more! I’d rather be dead than…besides, it is only this one guard—most of them will be around the Circus for the games. Once outside the gate I can slip away somehow and find the road to Ostia.”

  “Are you ready now?”

  “Yes. I have nothing here.”

  “Come, then.”

  Megara explained to the soldiers, with her own guard affirming that the emperor had granted her permission, and all left the palace to walk to Simon’s house. She and Paulus didn’t speak to each other; the five guards remained silent as well. When they arrived, one of the soldiers ordered his subordinate: “Check to see how many entrances there are. Three of us will remain outside, and two inside.”

  The two who followed Paulus and Megara into the house waited unobtrusively in the entrance hall. As they walked further inside, all conversation stopped. The room was full of Paulus’ friends, men and women, most of them weeping… and each came forward to embrace him. He was holding Daphne as she sobbed into his chest when the voice assailed him again: “You wanted her! And Alysia knew it!”

  He looked at Priscilla, who came and gently pulled Daphne away. Lucia touched his arm and indicated a closed door. “She’s in there. Do you want to see her?”

  “No.” He shook his head. “I have already said goodbye to her.”

  An awkward silence fell. Paulus said, “I want to thank all of you, with all my heart. You are risking everything to do this. Anyone associated with me is suspect. I know that…God will reward every one of you.”

  Horatius answered, “We are honored to do this, for God—and for you and Alysia.”

  Paulus noticed Megara, standing by herself across the room.

  “Most of you have—met—my former wife, Megara. She—asked to come here today. I hope you will make her feel welcome.”

  They all looked dubiously at Megara, who didn’t seem to wish to be welcomed. But Priscilla went to her and touched her hand. “Have you had breakfast? Come with me…there is food in the dining room. Paulus, I’m sure you haven’t had any real food in days.”

  “I will eat later, Priscilla—thank you. Simon, could I speak with you and Susanna?”

  Simon led them into his bedroom and closed the door.

  “Susanna,” Paulus asked, “did you see Rachel yesterday?”

  The woman drew a deep breath and looked into his eyes. “Yes. I told her about Alysia.”

  Paulus felt as though someone had kicked him in the gut. “How—is she?”

  “Stunned. Heartbroken. She needs you, Paulus.”

  “Your daughter has taken the vows. She is lost to you—she belongs to me!”

  Paulus turned abruptly; the room seemed to undulate like a ship at sea, and he wavered. At once Simon was beside him, grabbing his arm and pulling him upright.

  “You’re not well, Paulus. Sit down.” He and Susanna lowered him into a chair.

  “No. I don’t think I am. But we must plan, nevertheless. Susanna, can you see Rachel this morning?”

  “Yes. Why?”

  “Tell her to act as though she’s sick. That her stomach hurts, or something. Tell the Vestals you’ve sent for a physician. Simon, we’ll need two horses. One for you, one for me. Rachel can ride with me.”

  “Make that three horses,” came a voice from the doorway, and Daphne came in, closing the door behind her. “I’m coming, too.” She went to stand beside Simon.

  Paulus stared at them for a moment, and then actually smiled. “I see. But it will be a long, hard ride, Daphne.”

  She shrugged. “If I can’t make it, I’ll ride with Simon. But you taught us well.
I won’t be a burden—I promise. And maybe I can help.”

  “I’m sure Horatius knows someone who can provide us with horses,” said Simon.

  “I’ll go to the House of the Vestals, as a physician, and get Rachel. You’ll be waiting nearby with the horses, and we’ll take whatever route seems best—to get to Palestine, and Bethany.”

  “How will you get away from here?” Daphne asked.

  “I’m not sure yet. It’s not by any means a perfect plan. It will depend on God’s intervention.”

  “What about Megara?” Simon asked doubtfully. “I don’t trust her, Paulus. What if the emperor sent her here to spy on us?”

  “I think she’s telling the truth. She’s here to try and escape herself, so whatever she does, let her do it.”

  “In the meantime,” Susanna said, “you must eat. And there’s the bathing room. Simon has already had water brought in. After that, I’ll put medicine and bandages on those wounds. And—I’ve brought one of Flavius’ tunics for you to wear. You’re—almost the same size. It’s one of his—military tunics. It should seem…quite familiar.”

  Paulus reached out and took her hand. “This is hard for you, Susanna.”

  She brushed at the tears in her eyes. “He is only going before me…to the place of no more pain, and no more tears.” She smiled at him. “I know that you know this, Paulus. But let us try to rejoice! Alysia is not in that body, and she won’t be in that grave. Because… he lives!”

  * * *

  Horatius was able to send a message to one of his friends, who would have three horses waiting for Simon near the Appian Way. Susanna left the house, after attending to Paulus’ wounds, to go to Rachel. As Paulus tied the belt of the crimson tunic, he, Simon and Daphne had a final word.

  “I don’t know if I’m thinking clearly, so the two of you tell me if this makes sense. When Simon goes for the horses, you go to your house, Daphne, and get whatever you think you’ll need, and can be carried. Simon, walk all three horses, and if you’re stopped, say that you are taking them somewhere for your master. You might ask Horatius to send one of his slaves to help you. You and Daphne meet at the Curia Julia, and wait for me. I’ll go and get Rachel, and return to you. Simon, do you have money? ”

  “Enough to last a few weeks.”

  “I have money,” Daphne said. “Quite a lot.”

  “Good. I think that once past the Vestals, the best route will be to head south and west. We’ll cross the bridge at Tiber Island, leave the horses, and try to find a boat or a barge to hide on. Failing that, follow the river bank until it reaches the city wall, get into the water and swim past the wall, then follow the bank again until we get to Ostia. Once there, we can decide if we’re going to sail, or go by land.”

  “Why must we leave the horses? Why can’t we just ride along the river until we come to Ostia?” Daphne asked.

  “They could easily overtake us. We’re less likely to be noticed walking, rather than riding. But we need the horses to get as fast as we can from the House of the Vestals across the Tiber. By then, they’ll be looking for us. Once they discover I’m gone, they’ll search the immediate area, and then they’ll go to the Palatine for more soldiers. I’m hoping that will take a while, because most of the guards are keeping order at the Circus Maximus. And I’m not sure who among the officers knows about Rachel, and where she is, but it’s only a matter of time before they figure out that’s where I’ve probably gone.”

  There was a thoughtful silence, broken by Simon. “It seems as good a plan as any, Paulus. But I still don’t see how you are going to get away from here. And what excuse will Daphne and I give for leaving?”

  “Daphne, you can create a diversion. You are distraught, or ill, and cannot go on. Simon, you’ll offer to take her to her house. Once away from the guards, you go for the horses…and Daphne, you go and get your things. Meet each other at the Curia Julia, and be as quick as you possibly can.”

  “Do you think you can get away during my diversion?” Daphne asked, her eyes beginning to glow with excitement.

  “I’m going to try. I noticed that all the men brought mourning cloaks, so we’ll all look alike. Somehow I’ll have to confuse them.”

  “Have someone stay back,” Simon suggested. “Aquila is about your height. He can follow along at a distance, and then when you escape, he can step forward. They may not realize, for a while, that you’re missing.”

  “I didn’t want to involve anyone else,” Paulus answered, reluctantly.

  “He’s been very insistent about wanting to help. They all have. They know you are going to try to rescue Rachel.”

  “It is a good idea, Simon. Let’s do it, then, if he’s agreeable. Have Priscilla walk beside me, and then after I’ve gone she can walk with Aquila. That, too, will mislead them.”

  “We should pray,” Daphne said. “We must have God’s help.”

  They waited expectantly for Paulus to begin, but he said, “Simon…would you?”

  Simon shot him a strange look, but voiced an eloquent plea for God’s protection and guidance. Daphne left the room, saying she would speak to Aquila and his wife.

  “Something’s wrong, Paulus. It’s more than—what is it?”

  Paulus sighed and shook his head, leaning it back against his chair. “I know that God hears my prayers, but he is not answering. I believe he is trying me, and I don’t know if—”

  “You’re not having doubts?”

  “Not about God. Maybe, about myself. I feel weak, Simon, in every way…weaker than I’ve ever felt before.”

  “That’s when we have to depend on his strength, Paulus. Maybe you’ve been depending too much on your own.”

  Paulus rubbed his hands over his eyes. “Yes. Maybe I have.”

  “This is a hard thing, Paulus. But everyone is praying for you. There are more besides those gathered here—I think that everyone whose life you have touched, here in Rome, is praying for you. We spread the word. Many more will be joining the procession, as we go.”

  Paulus didn’t answer at first, then he took his hands away from his face and looked at Simon. “I could ask for no greater friend, Simon, than I have found in you.”

  “You would do the same, for me.”

  “Tell me, what is this I see between you and Daphne?”

  Simon smiled. “I’ve cared for her ever since she began coming to our meetings. And now, after what happened…I think she is the bravest woman I’ve ever known. Next to Alysia.”

  * * *

  When Paulus and Simon emerged from the room, the wooden casket had been set on the floor, before the entrance hall. Horatius had brought four of his servants to carry it; they had been waiting in the kitchen and now stood in readiness. Paulus tried to ignore the blow that struck him when he saw it…Susanna was right, that wasn’t Alysia, she wasn’t there…

  No one seemed to know what to say. The two guards waited, watching them curiously. The habits of these Nazarenes were most peculiar…

  Finally Horatius said, “Aquila, will you recite a psalm of David? And pray for our brothers, Paulus and Flavius.”

  Aquila considered for a moment which passage to use, and began, “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want…”

  Paulus listened, comforted by the words, touched by the love being shown him…but he was still in torment, still calling out to God and hearing nothing in return. How long would this last—a day, a year? Nevertheless, he prayed silently for Rachel…and that he would be able to do what needed to be done.

  He noticed, with a jolt of surprise, that Megara had been crying. In all the years he had known her, he couldn’t remember ever having seen her shed a tear. What did it mean? She saw him looking at her and turned away…and he put her out of his mind as he again tried to focus on the situation at hand.

  All the women wore black gowns, and now the men began putting on their dark mourning cloaks, and drew the hoods over their heads. They had chosen to wear these, knowing that Paulus might try to make an es
cape, and hoping to confuse his captors. Simon had procured one for Paulus as well, and he drew it over his tunic and pulled the hood forward. The servants raised the casket, and everyone followed it out of the house. Four guards surrounded Paulus, and one walked close beside Megara.

  There would be no professional mourners, no wailing and screaming, as in most Roman funerals. The procession would continue down the street and turn left onto the Appian Way, and the casket would be placed inside the tomb that Camillus had purchased. The narrow streets were far less crowded than usual, because of the games, and Paulus wished that it were not so—it would make his disappearance much easier if there were dozens of men and women scurrying about. He walked directly behind the casket, with Priscilla beside him, aware that Aquila had not yet donned his robe and followed at a distance.

  Close behind Paulus, Daphne suddenly gave a cry and clutched at her abdomen. With a flair for the dramatic, she cried out again and doubled over, as if in excruciating pain. The guards looked at her…they may not have been attracted by her scars, but five pairs of eyes were irresistibly drawn to her figure, full and curvaceous even in the modest black gown…and when she fell to the ground, their gazes lingered on the inadvertent display of a slender ankle clad in a bracelet.

  It was all over in a moment, but in that moment Megara slipped into a nearby alley, and Aquila aligned himself at the edge of the procession, nearer the casket. One of the guards stood too close to Paulus, and he was not able to move. His tension increased as Simon helped Daphne to her feet and offered to take her home. It seemed the opportunity was lost, when Megara’s guard noticed she was gone.

  “The woman has fled!”

  The soldier in charge flung out his arm. “Go after her! You, too!”

  Two guards ran back and turned into the alley. Distracted and alarmed, the guard next to Paulus moved away slightly, giving Paulus his chance to step aside and be replaced by Aquila. He removed the robe he wore and folded it, holding it in front of him…he would need it again. Turning swiftly onto another street, he ran toward an intersection and turned right, heading in the opposite direction. He wondered if Megara had escaped…and hoped she had.