PROFESSOR FEELGOOD

by Rayven, Leisa

  _______________

  Everyone remembers their childhoods differently. I have a few snapshots of smiles and melting ice creams in summer, or running through the park and swinging on branches of trees that probably don’t exist anymore. In those quick cinematic flashes, I’m happy. But they don’t tell the full story.

  The bulk of my memories are harder to remember and not nearly as much fun. Those images are dark and grainy; a film noir of a kid struggling to find her way in a world that seemed to keep taking things and people away from her without ever giving anything back.

  There are very few people that feature in both versions of my memory, but Jake is one of them. Bestie-Jake was the one who made me laugh, and swung from branches higher than I would ever dare reach for. And caring-Jake was there when my dad left; when my mom died; when moments of melancholy hit me so hard, all I could do was curl up in a ball and disappear for a while.

  And now, when I remember those times, I’m hit by an overwhelming sense of sadness, because our friendship was so easy, I assumed that’s how all connections were: Instant and powerful. And if I screw things up tonight, I’ll never have a friend like him again. And that would be tragic.

  In the hopes of helping to facilitate our self-inflicted intervention, we’re doing tequila shots.

  “Go!”

  We slam our glasses down on the bar before shoving lime wedges into our mouths and sucking.

  “Is there a rule for how much alcohol we need to consume before we address our emotional trauma?” he asks, dropping the lime into his glass. “Because I’m not feeling the urge to share yet.”

  I gesture to the bartender for another round. “Maybe there’s a formula. One shot for every year we’ve been estranged?”

  “So, what? Six shots each? After that much tequila, I wouldn’t be able to find my ass with both hands, let alone carry on a coherent conversation.”

  I want to start the process, but I feel like I’m sprinting through a minefield. If I say the wrong thing, there’s a good chance Jake will think even less of me than he already does, which would suck.

  Jake looks just as uneasy. “Why the hell is this so hard?”

  Because there’s so much at stake.

  “Professor Feelgood?” A group of young women come over to Jake. “Sorry to bother you, but we’re big fans. Do you mind taking some pictures with us?”

  Jake gives me a surprised look then turns to them. “Uh … okay. Why not?” It must be weird for him to go from being anonymous to unmasked. And the number of people recognizing him is only going to increase.

  The lead girl turns to me and hold out her phone. “Could you?” All of a sudden, another five phones are thrust at me.

  “Sure.”

  The girls crowd around him, talking about which poems are their favorites and posing each time I raise a camera. I know why they’re drawn to him, but none of them have any idea about who he really is. The heart of him.

  That’s one thing I used to know.

  “Last one.” I hold up the phone and ignore the tightness that’s starting to infect all my limbs. Nostalgia achieves nothing but to make you second-guess every crappy decision you ever made.

  “Ash!” I turn to see Eden walking toward me. Jake notices and seems relieved to have an excuse to extricate himself from the ladies.

  “Hey!” Eden says as I give her a hug. “You look gorgeous.” When she pulls back she gives Jake a not-so-subtle once over. “Well, well. Little Jakey Stone is all grown up.” Somehow, she manages to seem both friendly and intimidating.

  Jake tips his chin. “Eden. Good to see you again.”

  Growing up, Eden treated Jake like a little brother, which is to say, she antagonized the hell out of him. To be fair, he gave as good as he got, but it was always clear they had real affection for each other. Unfortunately, their relationship was collateral damage when he and I fell out. It’s bizarre seeing them interact again.

  “If you plan on being a dick to my sister again, let me know ASAP, because hitmen are expensive, and I’ll have to start saving.”

  Jake gives her a tired smile. “Some people are born dicks, and some have dickishness thrust upon them. I’m trying hard to be neither.”

  “Good.” She glances at me. “The universe has worked hard to bring the wonder twins together again. Don’t screw it up.”

  Jake sighs. “Easier said than done.”

  A waiter offers us a tray of cocktails, and we all take one. My limit is fast approaching, so I need to make this drink last.

  “Guys! Over here!” Eden waves at someone behind us, and when I turn, I see Max and Derek walking toward us.

  Oh, Lord.

  As soon as Derek sees me, his eyes light up, but then he glances at Eden to make sure she didn’t notice. Keeping up our secret tonight is going to be so not-fun. Dealing with Jake is taking up all my energy. I’d almost forgotten about my other mission.

  After Eden and I greet the boys, I gesture to Jake. “Uh, Max … this is Jacob Stone, our latest Whiplash author. Jake this is Eden’s boyfriend and CEO of Romance Central, Max Riley. He’s the one who’s organized this incredible event.”

  “Well, I’ve had a lot of help.” Max holds out his hand, and Jake shakes it. “Hey, Jake. Good to finally meet you.”

  “And this is Eden’s boss and … uh …. major sponsor for tonight, Derek Fife.” I don’t know why I’m so nervous introducing Jake to Derek. For some reason, it feels like a disaster waiting to happen.

  The two men shake hands, and Derek gives Jake a solemn nod. “Congratulations on the book deal, Jake. Asha’s told me you’re really talented.”

  Jake seems surprised I’ve mentioned him. “Uh … thanks. That’s nice to hear.”

  While Max and Eden draw Jake into a conversation about his Instagram fame, Derek takes the opportunity to lean into me and whisper, “My God, you’re stunning. You take my breath away.”

  I smile and whisper back, “You don’t look so bad yourself.” He really does fill out his tux beautifully.

  He surreptitiously holds out his phone for me to bump. “Just for fun.”

  I glance over to make sure the other three aren’t looking then pull out my phone and bump it against his. There’s a quiet ‘ping’, and I check the results.

  “Ninety-one percent,” I say, my heart sinking. Some part of me had hoped that I was imagining how great we were together, because then, my body’s reaction could be rationalized. But no. We’re exactly as compatible as I thought. Dammit.

  “Huh,” Derek says. “I actually thought it would be higher.” He slides his phone into his pocket. “Only an hour to go until we can sneak away. I can’t wait to stop pretending. Finally.”

  I take a swig of champagne. “Same.” Now that we’re here, my nerves are kicking in, but I can’t chicken out now. Aversion therapy may be my only chance to obliterate this stupid quirk. I’ve seen arachnophobes submit to having tarantulas crawl all over them, or people with a fear of heights rappel down a building. I just have to get naked with an attractive man without losing my mind. Easy.

  When I glance at Jake, he’s frowning and looking over at Derek. Then he raises his eyebrows at me.

  Oh, shit.

  I down the rest of my drink and sigh. In the immortal words of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, don’t panic. Maybe he’ll keep his mouth shut and not make trouble. And maybe I’ll grow that third arm I’ve always wanted.

  “We’ll have to catch up with you guys later,” Eden says. “It’s almost time for Max to give his speech, and Derek, you have to limber up your atrophied smiling muscles for when he thanks you.”

  Derek scowls at her. “Do I pay you extra for being an insufferable smartass?”

  “No,” she says with a grin. “I’m happy to provide that for free.”

  “Lucky me.”

  After they all say goodbye, Derek lingers for a second. “See you later?”

  I nod, aware Jake’s watching. “Uh huh. I’ll be around.”
>
  When they’re gone, I can feel Jake’s mental gears ticking. I gesture toward the stage. “We should go support Max’s speech, and afterwards, we can talk.” Without waiting for his approval, I move through the crowd.

  He falls into step beside me. “I take it your sister is unaware you’re banging her boss.”

  “How could you possibly know that?”

  “Because I have eyes in my head, and you have zero poker face.”

  “Jake ––”

  “You’ve been lying to Eden? Do you understand how pissed she’s going to be when she finds out?”

  “Yes, so I’d appreciate you not saying anything. I’ll tell her when the time is right.”

  “Which will be when? On your wedding day? Perhaps at the birth of your first child?”

  “Don’t be ridiculous.”

  The lights dim as a spotlight comes up on Max standing at a podium in the middle of the stage. Everyone applauds.

  “Good evening, everyone,” Max says with a smile. “I want to thank you all for coming to the launch of Romance Central’s new matchmaking app, Happily Ever After, or HEA. At Romance Central, we believe that everyone deserves to be loved, and with HEA, we can help find your perfect partner.”

  Jake and I stand at the edge of the dance floor and join in another round of applause. As Max talks, I see Eden at the side of the stage, beaming at him.

  “If you haven’t yet tried the app, we invite you to come down to the tech station near the dance floor and allow one of our assistants to take you through the process. You never know. Your soulmate might be in this very room.”

  Another round of applause, this one louder than the others.

  Derek is standing next to Eden, and at the mention of soul mates, he looks at me and smiles.

  I smile back, but it feels forced.

  “A huge thanks to our resident tech genius responsible who developed the app, Toby Jenner, and give it up for our major sponsor, Derek Fife from Pulse magazine.” Derek gives the crowd a wave.

  Max goes on to talk about some of the features of the app, but I can’t stop thinking about everything that could go wrong tonight. I feel like I’m on a game show.

  Continue lying to Eden about my boyfriend, OR come clean and have a huge argument with her at a high-profile event.

  Manage to have an amazing orgasm with Derek, OR run screaming from his room and check myself into a nunnery.

  Work out differences with Jake, OR lose him from my life, forever.

  I rub my temple. Too many machetes in the air.

  “The obstacles that prevent us from finding love are many,” Max says. “And a lot of them are within ourselves. If you’re having trouble maintaining a lasting relationship, it may be because of an event in your past. And it doesn’t even have to be a romantic issue. It could be something unresolved with a friend or family member.”

  Without thinking, I look at Jake, only to find he’s looking back at me.

  Yep. That makes sense.

  “That’s why HEA comes equipped with a help line that will connect you with one of our qualified therapists. Several of them are here tonight, so if you think there’s something holding you back, seek them out.”

  A dating app that offers professional help? That’s freaking brilliant.

  Max steps out from behind his podium and comes to the front of the stage. “Now, to help me demonstrate some of the features of the HEA app, I’m going to impose on one of our special guests to join me onstage. He’s a man who’s been brave enough to share his relationship struggles with his three million Instagram followers, and he’ll soon be a published author. Please give it up for Professor Feelgood, Jacob Stone!”

  Jake turns to me as the crowd goes wild. “Did you do this?”

  “No,” I say, horrified on his behalf. “I think this is one of those activities I mentioned earlier. Or else Max is trying to give you free publicity.”

  “He’s just met me. How can he hate me already?”

  The crowd starts chanting ‘Feelgood’, and Jake runs his hand through his hair. “Fucking hell.” He takes in a breath and heads up onto the stage, and as soon as the ladies in the audience get a good look at him, they start screaming.

  Jesus, you’d think they’d never seen a gorgeous lovelorn poet before. Get a grip, ladies.

  Jake gives a self-conscious wave as he crosses the stage to shake Max’s hand.

  “Thanks for helping out, Jake.”

  “Yeah, no problem.” He sounds relaxed, but his face is telling a whole other story.

  “So, you’ve downloaded the app and filled out your questionnaire?”

  “I have.”

  “Great. Are there any single ladies out there who’d like to test their compatibility with Professor Feelgood?”

  The resulting screams almost deafen me. Every woman around me shoots her hand up so fast, I’m surprised it’s not followed by a sonic boom.

  Max chooses ten ladies to come up onto the stage, and as they gather around Jake, he shoots me a look, like a condemned man praying for a phone call of reprieve. Alas, I can’t help him. I just hope he plays along and keeps his cool.

  NINETEEN

  ____________________

  The Whole Truth

  “TWO LADIES TO GO,” Max announces, and the crowd cheers like they’re watching a gladiatorial match. So far, none of the ladies have had above fifty percent compatibility with Jake, and their reactions have been comedy gold. As for Jake, he’s been as charming as I’ve ever seen him. He greets each woman warmly and manages to always look disappointed when their scores bottom out. I know he’s probably in hell, but he’s doing a good job of hiding it. I’m surprised to discover I’m proud of him. If Sid were here, he’d be jumping out of his skin. The HEA app may be destined to be a worldwide phenomenon, but the star tonight is definitely Jake.

  “Hey, you.” I turn to see Joanna smiling at me. “How’s it going?”

  “Jo!” I hug her more tightly than I intend, but damn, it’s good to see her. I’ve been treading water all night, and at last my life raft has arrived.

  “Oh, shit, ow.” She pulls back. “Steady on, She Hulk. Human bones break easily.” She looks up at the stage. “So, your boy is killing it up there. Was this planned?”

  “Not by me. But to whoever organized it, I’m grateful. It’s amazing exposure.”

  Jo scans the crowd. “If some of these ladies had a touch more alcohol in their systems, Jake would be drowning in an avalanche of flying panties. At the very least, he just got a stack of new followers. Even Sarah Jessica is intrigued. She wants to know if he’d be free to take part in a charity bachelor auction she’s organizing. I told her that you’ll have him chained up in his writing cave for the foreseeable future.”

  My face must give away what Jake and I spoke about earlier, because Jo looks confused.

  “What did I miss?”

  “Jake has realized I shouldn’t be his editor. I thought it would take a week for him to see the error of his ways, but apparently a day in my delightful presence is all it took.” I try to hide how crappy that makes me feel, but there’s no fooling Joanna.

  “Ouch. So you have to go from begging to leave to begging to stay?”

  “Yes, and I feel like an idiot. I don’t know what the hell I want any more.”

  Her mouth sets into a determined line as we watch Max finish his presentation. “Asha, let me tell you a little story.” She links her arm with mine. “When I was a kid, I had this teddy bear that my grandma gave me. His name was Vlad the Impaler, and I loved him with all my heart.”

  I frown. “You named your teddy Vlad the Impaler?”

  “It was this whole thing. Bram Stoker played bridge with my great, great grandfather, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, when I was visiting my uncle who’s the head valuer at Christie’s auction house, he noticed Vlad was a Steiff.”

  “A Steiff?”

  “Steiff bears are the most valuable in the world, and Vlad was a particularly rare one. My
uncle said that if I decided to put him up for auction, he could go for a few hundred thousand dollars.”

  I pull back. “Seriously? For a teddy bear?”

  She nods. “I couldn’t believe it, either. I mean, I’d had Vlad for years and had totally taken him for granted, and then suddenly, BAM. I see him with different eyes, because someone reminded me how unique and precious he was. Amazing, right?”

  “Yeah,” I say, seeing right through her. “That is amazing.”

  She looks over at Jake with a smug smile for a few seconds before turning back to me. “Just making sure you realize that what I’m saying is a metaphor for you and Jake. When you were kids, you took him for granted, but now, even with all the drama you guys have been through, you’re starting to realize his true worth.”

  “Yes, Jo. I got that. Thanks.”

  “Good, because my boobs have all sorts of feelings about the two of you, so I’m going to need you to sort out your crap. Either that or spring for some erotic massage for my chest, because I’m totally uncomfortable with all this sensation.”

  I laugh. “So, teddy bear story was bullshit?”

  “No. Vlad was very real. He just wasn’t worth three-hundred grand.”

  “I thought that was nuts.”

  “Yeah, in the end, he ended up being sold for one point three million.”

  I laugh as Max finishes his presentation. After the crowd gives Jake a huge round of applause, he exits the stage, but before he can get to us, he’s mobbed by people wanting pictures with him.

  “I’d better go rescue him so we can talk,” I say. “It might be too late to change anything, but I at least have to try.”

  Jo nods. “There’s no easy fix for you two. Just suck it up and stop snarking long enough to really listen to what the other has to say. Hopefully you can let the poison out of some old wounds.”

  So many old wounds. So little time.

  “What are you waiting for?” Jo asks, giving me a gentle push in Jake’s direction. “Go claim him. Speak your truth. Own your mistakes. Woman up.”

  I hand her my clutch. “Hold this. I’m going in.”

  _______________