“Aiden?” I say. Oh, please don’t leave now.
“I think it’s time that you see all of me,” he says with emotion. I look up at him in confusion, trying to understand what he’s saying. My eyes widen in shock as I see what he is about to do.
He starts removing his clothing, starting with his jacket and places it on the couch. He then removes his pants, just leaving the boxers behind. His legs are all muscle and are covered in tattoos. He starts to remove his shirt, and I see more tattoos all over his chest and arms, just like in the pictures online. I notice a flesh colored piece of plastic or something on his forearm and wonder what it is. He removes his right riding glove, and then the left one. My eyes almost pop out of my head with disbelief.
Holy shit! Now I understand why he always wears gloves. He doesn’t want anybody to know his secret. He has a prosthesis. He starts to take off the piece, and I see that his left hand has been amputated. Dear God!
I put my hands to my mouth to try and stop myself from crying out. He looks over at me.
“Stand up, Emma. There’s more you need to see.” Jesus, what more can there be?!
I walk over to him and touch his missing extremity. He flinches, and I retract my hand immediately. “It doesn’t hurt. I was just shocked that you touched it. I’ve never let anybody except doctors touch me there.”
“I’m going to turn around, and show you the rest. If your disgusted by it…fuck, I don’t know what tell you,” he says in anguish. He slowly turns around, and I cry out this time.
I see a cluster of lacerations and welts coating his back. They look old, because he has white scar tissue covering them. Who the fuck did this to him?! I have a feeling that this is not from his car accident.
I reach out to touch his back, and he winces. I try not to be scared. His scars don’t disgust me; they just frighten me. I can’t imagine the pain he must have endured when this happened.
I move closer, and I start to feather kisses over his back. He inhales sharply but lets me continue my exploration. I try to kiss away all of the pain from him his body. As I move lower down his back, I notice his right leg is red. The skin is uneven and puckered, almost as if he was burned badly. There are no tattoos there, just in the areas around the wound. Oh my God! I don’t know if I can take this anymore.
I remove myself from his body and run into the bathroom, emptying my stomach into the toilet. I hear him come in behind me.
“Emma, you have no idea how sorry am that you had to see that. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror, because it makes me sick!” he says strained. I feel so regretful that he had to see me get ill. He must know that my reaction to his scars just stems from the pain he underwent. I feel his hand rubbing circles on my back, trying sooth me. Fuck, I’m the one who should be comforting him.
I move over to the sink and rinse out my mouth. As I dab my mouth with a towel, I look up at him and see anguish in his beautiful eyes.
“Dear God. I’ve never seen anything like that, Aiden. I can’t even begin to grasp the pain you must have gone through,” I pause, wiping the tears from my eyes and cheeks. “It didn’t disgust me.” He starts to protest. “No. Look in to my eyes, and listen to me. I got sick, because I tried to imagine what you felt. I tried to put myself in your shoes.”
“You’ve hidden this from everyone, and I ache for you, Aiden.” I touch his left arm and bring it up to my face, kissing it tenderly. “You’re still so beautiful to me. More so now since you’ve shared this with me,” I say with absolute conviction.
He looks at me, and I can tell that he is shocked by my admission. I can understand all of his doubts. I have a feeling that his ex-wife wasn’t so accepting of his body. Fucking bitch. I grab his arm and lead him into the bedroom behind me.
“Lay on your side, please” I whisper to him, motioning to the bed. I can’t see his expression in the dark, but he complies with my request. He gets under the covers, probably still self-conscious about his body. I take off my clothes and follow behind him. I wrap myself around him, my legs and arms entwined with his. I can feel his scars against my chest, and I start to tear up again. Shit, pull yourself together. He needs you to be there for him, Emma.
We lay there in the dark room, not saying a single word. Nothing can be said. I hope he understands what I’m feeling by me laying with him like this. I feel his body start to relax as he slowly drifts off to sleep.
“I love you,” I whisper to his inactive form. I shut my eyes, allowing myself to be swept under by the nights’ silent darkness.
Chapter 9
Damn! That must have been the worst nights’ sleep I’ve ever had. I didn’t wake up throughout the night, but I had nightmares that were all too real. They were about Jeremiah. I guess I haven’t really gotten over him yet. Just goes to show you, no matter where you run, the past will always follow. Your demons will haunt you.
I open my eyes and see Aiden resting on his shoulder, his head in his hand. He looks straight into my eyes, his irises darkening into slits. From the looks of him, he appears to have had a rough night too. I can’t imagine how raw and exposed he must feel right now for revealing himself to me. I want to say something, but I’m not sure that I can express what I’m feeling. I want to share my past too, but I think he might become upset and push me away.
“When you sleep, you have this crease that goes in between your eyes on your forehead; like you’re stressing about something. You had it the other morning when you woke up too.” He looks at me with sadness and curiosity.
“Yeah, well, unlike other people, sleeping doesn’t relax me. My dreams haunt me.” Shit did I just say that?! Please don’t ask me what that means. I know I just sounded bitchy and really defensive. That’s fucked up of me to be acting like this when he went through so much last night.
“Shit, I’m sorry I snapped at you. I’m just an asshole in the morning, I guess. No coffee in my system yet,” I say with a tight smile. God, it’s going to be a grueling day. I can just tell.
“I can understand that. There was some heavy shit that wet down last night, and I’m sorry I caused it. While you were sleeping, I just laid here and started thinking. I still haven’t decided if it was a good thing to show you my body. It might have been too much too soon for us,” he says looking abandoned. Jesus, Aiden! I won’t bail on you; on us.
“Aiden, you did nothing wrong. I am so glad that you trusted me enough to show me what happened to you. Although, I know I kind of provoked the entire situation by snooping around online. And um, talking to Lucas about you, last night at work,” I say shamefully.
God, I’m such a terrible person. If anyone should worry, it should be me worrying that he will just end this entire thing with me. He should, just to save himself any more bullshit. I thought I could help him heal, but I’ve just made things worse for him so far.
“Baby, look at me,” he says seriously. “It’s difficult showing anybody this side of me. I’ve kept secrets for so fucking long that it’s nearly impossible to just be honest. I’m not used to showing my true self. I’m used to being alone; for the most part, my entire life I’ve been alone. It scares the shit out of me, wanting you to see the real man underneath. You have so much power over me, you don’t even realize, Emma. If you hurt me… fuck…I don’t even know how I would pick up the pieces,” he says looking vulnerable.
“Trust me; you have the same power over me. I’ve been hurt badly too, but for some reason, with you, it’s just different. Thinking about you not being around causes this sharp ache to appear in my chest. I don’t know what this is, because I’ve never felt it before. With anyone.” Not even with Jeremiah, I think silently with guilt. Oh God, why couldn’t he just have taken my entire heart with him when he left. I’m not sure how I can handle these emotions. Ones that I didn’t even know that I was capable of.
“Do you know how fortunate you just made me, Emma? Everything you just said to me; that’s exactly how I feel about you. I get terrified just thinking about you
not being in my life. I couldn’t get a good night’s sleep until you started staying with me. Well, aside from last night of course. I couldn’t seem to turn off my brain and just sleep peacefully.”
“Ever since I’ve known you, I wake up every morning with a heavy weight on my chest. Right here,” he says grabbing my palm, placing it over his heart. “It’s the most wonderful pressure that I’ve ever felt; it’s fear, excitement, but also hope.”
“Hope for a future with you,” he says. “I feel like a fucking pussy, falling for you this fast, but I can’t help how I feel inside. I don’t want this to ever go away.” God, I can’t believe he just said that. Can a girl be this fucking lucky?
I move closer to his face, kissing his lips. Their moist and soft, just like always. I feel the lust in me start to rear its’ ugly head, but I hold back. Normally I would just fuck him and get off, but after last night, I see him a new light. I have the utmost respect for him.
Whoa, did I just think that? You’re getting rather mushy, aren’t you Emma?
He starts to pull me closer to him. “Aiden, can we go and get breakfast?” I ask sweetly. He just looks so wounded but nods and gets up off the bed. Shit, way to go Emma! I grab his arm, pulling him back to face me.
“No, Aiden. I want to be with you, so much. I just…I don’t know, feel disrespectful to you or something; kind of like I’m using you for sex.”
“Knowing you better now, I don’t want you to feel like I’m just here, because you’re the Aiden Crowe. I don’t want you to think that if I sleep with you, it’s because of who you were.”
“I know you have a hard time trusting people, and I don’t want those thoughts to go through your head at all when you’re with me. I need to prove to you that I want you for you. I’ve made a mess of things already, and I don’t want sex to cloud anything. Because I know it will,” I say in rush.
“Fuck, you’re killing me, Emma! I want you so damn much, but I get where you’re coming from. Do I doubt the way you feel about me? A little, yeah. But that is just one of my many insecurities. It’s like, from one point I believe you, but I think you might change your mind and despise me eventually. Only time will tell, I guess,” he says shrugging, a frown appearing on his face. Oh Aiden, I could never hate you. Although, I won’t lie; the last comment made me question what things I might find out.
“Let’s just try to take things slower. Which, I’m sure will be really difficult for us,” I say laughing. “But I’m willing to try to make this last. Me and sex, well, we don’t have the best relationship. It gets me into trouble and messes with my judgment.”
“Ok. I’ll try to keep my hands off of you. But you owe me, brat!” he says laughing. “How did I get such an amazing girlfriend?”
“Who? Me?” I say pointing to myself. “I guess I am pretty amazing. Glad someone else thinks so too,” I say winking at him.
“What time do you have to go into work tonight?” he asks smirking.
“I have to be in at four again, but guess what? I have all of tomorrow off!” I say enthusiastically.
“Well, then I have to make sure that your day off is fucking awesome. Maybe I can even convince you to quit your job, and stay with me every day,” he says jokingly. I think he may be serious though. Oh, Aiden; very tempting.
“If I ever need a sugar daddy, you’ll be the first to know. You are filthy rich and older you know?” I say laughing. Shit, bad thing to say. I forgot his about ex-wife. I’m sure that’s the kind of relationship that they had. Dumb, dumb! His face turns serious, and I really am mortified by my big mouth.
“I want to tell you about my past. The internet doesn’t do it justice; at least not most of it. I don’t even want to imagine the shit that Lucas told you about,” he says eyeing me. I inwardly cringe.
“Sadly, my story involves my ex, but I want you to understand my past relationships. I want to show you that I’ve changed; for the better. You probably won’t even recognize the old me when I talk about things.”
“Ok, Aiden. I really do want to know more about you. I’ll probably be uncomfortable when you talk about her, but I understand. We all have people in our history that affect us today,” I say nodding.
“Are you speaking from experience?” he asks curiously.
“Yes,” I say not elaborating any further. God, why can’t I just open up like he did?
“Let’s go and eat some breakfast. I’m ravenous and fucking craving a cup of coffee. If you don’t feed me soon Aiden, I might bite your head off!” I say trying to lighten the mood.
“Okay, okay. No need to get violent on me!” he says laughing with his hands up in surrender. “We’ll get some food in you, and then we’ll talk, okay?”
“Ok, it’s a plan,” I say slightly nervous. Do I really want to know more? What if there are really bad details that I can’t handle? Oh, shut it. You know your fucking curiosity is consuming you, bitch. You also know nothing would make you walk away from him.
I see Aiden walk over to the fridge and pull out eggs and cheese, along with some vegetables. “Omelet ok, baby?” he asks me.
“Sounds great, Aiden. Thank you,” I say.
While he’s cooking, I notice that he put his prosthesis back on his left arm. I start making us some coffee, and get out a few mugs. I look around his cupboards and notice how bare they are.
“You’re such a man; barely anything in these cupboards. We’re going to have to get you some more dishes, Aiden,” I say teasing him.
“Yeah, there was a lot more stuff in the house, but I got rid of it. You know, my old man’s stuff,” he says without emotion. Shit, I forgot about that.
“Breakfast is ready. Why don’t you go and sit down, baby, and I’ll serve you,” he says thoughtfully. Ugh, don’t be nice to me when I’ve been the ultimate bitch today!
I sit down, and he puts a big and fluffy omelet in front of me. My stomach instantly growls loudly.
“Normally I would be embarrassed, but let’s face it; I gave you a blow job in a public restroom yesterday, so I pretty much have no shame anymore,” I say proudly. I hear him cough noisily. I look over at him, and he’s smiling at me, shocked by my outburst.
He comes over to the table and sits down with his plate and coffee cup. He looks over at me. “After we talk, I might just have to punish you for that smart mouth, brat,” he says huskily.
“But I thought that we agreed on no sex?! You play dirty, Aiden,” I say amused. I know if he wanted to, he could make me yield to him. I won’t lie; I secretly want him to.
I take a bite out of my omelet and groan. Best fucking eggs ever! Typical Aiden.
“You’ve outdone yourself. Yum!” I say to him, digging in. I expect him to say thank you or joke with me, but he’s just looking at me intently. “Before you start, can you tell me a little more about your prosthesis? I’ve never known anybody who had one,” I say nervously.
“Yeah, no, it’s ok,” he says, startled by my question.
“I can pretty much do everything like I did before. I ride my motorcycle and normal stuff like that. Technology has come a long way, and I have the best of the best prostheses, so that helps. I just haven’t played the piano or guitar since I lost it.”
“Doctors said that I could, but for some reason, I think its cheating. Like the hand isn’t really a part of me, and it wouldn’t really be me playing.”
“I know that sounds ridiculous,” he says embarrassed. I smile gently at him.
“I guess I can understand that. I still think you should play again though. All of your talent shouldn’t be wasted. It might make you realize that your hand doesn’t make you who you are, Aiden,” I say.
“Maybe. I just don’t want anybody to find out about my hand yet. I managed to keep the press in the dark for so long about it. If they found out, I’m sure they would just drag up me leaving the band and all that shit again,” he says in disgust.
God, I didn’t even realize how hard it must be for him! Having to hide things jus
t because of what others might say. A normal person could just live their life, but his would be invaded and probably picked apart. Fortunately, I can relate to him in a way. I’ve had my life publicly examined too.
“Are you ready, Emma?” he asks softly. I know exactly what he’s referring to. I nod at him. I guess I’m as ready as I’ll ever be. He looks tormented but continues.
“My parents got married shortly after she got pregnant with me. He was ten years older than her; I think she was only seventeen at the time. She came from a wealthy family. Her dad, my grandfather, was the owner of Crowe Records. I think that’s why my dad started dating her actually.”
“He was fucking poor and trying to pay for law school. When they got married, my grandfather paid for his schooling, probably wanting him to be able to support me and my mom. I think my dad always secretly hated her for being younger and wealthier than he was. But at the same time, used her resources to his advantage,” he says pausing.
“From the time I was little, I remember them fighting about anything; everything. He would never hit her, just verbally abuse her, and make her feel like shit. When she started to work at the record label for my grandfather, he became really bitter. He wanted her to depend on him for everything and got pissed at her when she was more than just a housewife.”
“That’s when he began to take out his anger on me. I always just wanted his attention, and I think that started to irritate the hell out of him.”
“One day when I was around ten, I knocked over a cup or something, and it broke. He took some lighter fluid from the garage and lit my leg on fire.” I look up at him, gasping in shock. Oh my fucking God!
“He didn’t even help me put it out, let alone take me to the doctor. I had to run to the bathroom and turn on the water in the shower. I stayed in the tub the rest of the day, afraid of what else he might do to me if I complained about the pain.”
We Fight, We Fall Page 9