We Fight, We Fall

by Nicole Callesto

  “Yeah, you’re right, Emma. This shit isn’t over, but it is for tonight at least. In order for me to show you what I want, maybe you should come into the bedroom with me. Your nights in the guest room have officially been terminated,” he says huskily.

  “I didn’t like that bed anyways. Much too big for one person,” I say smiling. He looks over at me and reaches out his hand. I grab it, and we walk into his room. He leads me towards the bed, and I sit down on top of the mattress. He releases my hand and goes over into his closet. Hmm, I wonder what he could possibly be getting out. I see him grab a bottle, and when he turns around, I realize that its lube. Shit! Now I’m intrigued. I’m no shy woman, by any means and have had plenty of experiences with it. I’m actually a big fan.

  He walks over to me with a serious look on his face. Um, does he know that this doesn’t freak me out, and in actuality, turns me on? He sits down on the bed next to me, and I feel the mattress dip. He looks worried but also a little excited. I just sit and wait, wondering what he’s going to do with it.

  “Emma, I want to try something that we haven’t before. If you’re not into it, I completely understand. It’s just something I’ve always been into I guess, even though it rarely happens. I just want to try it with you, if you’ll let me,” he says nervously. Ok, spit it out Aiden. What is it?!

  “I like ass play,” he says ashamed, and I try not to laugh. “We’d have to prepare you, but if you’d let me, I’d like to fuck your ass, baby.” I look over at him and start cracking up. God, you would’ve thought by the way he was acting that he wanted me to fuck him in the ass. Yeah, that’s something I would definitely not be into! But I’ve had anal sex many times and really enjoyed it.

  He looks over at me confused. “What’s so funny?” he asks.

  “Aiden, you had me worried there for a second. I thought you wanted me to do something way worse,” I say chuckling. “I’m totally in favor of anal sex. I’ve done it before, and I’d really like to do that with you. You don’t even have to ‘prepare’ me for it. I’m pretty much good to go,” I say reassuring him. I look over at him, and he looks pissed.

  “What the fuck do you mean you’ve done it?!” he asks. Ok, why the hell is he angry? He knows I’m not some blushing virgin. Did he honestly expect every sexual experience we have to me new for me? Um, not going to happen; this bitch has been around the block a few times.

  “You are aware that I’ve been with other guys? I’ve told you that, but for some reason, that slips your mind at the most convenient times. I like the same things you do in the bedroom, so what’s the big deal? If it’s jealousy, that’s ridiculous. I can’t go back in time and become a virgin again,” I say frustrated. He still looks irate. Great, my one day off officially ruined!

  “Who was it?” he asks. What the fuck? Does he seriously want to know who? Jesus Christ, I really didn’t want to tell him this way, but he just crossed the line with me.

  “My husband!” I say yelling at him.

  Chapter 11

  “What the fuck do you mean your husband? You’re married?!” he yells back at me. Ok, so this did not go the way that I planned. I try to calm myself down and think of a way to explain myself to him. He jumps off of the bed and looks like he wants to beat the living shit out of something…or someone.

  “Where the hell is your husband? Did you leave him back in Arizona, so you could fuck other men?! Answer me goddammit!” he yells at me. I look over at him and just laugh. Not a nice laugh mind you, but one that shows how sick I am of this inquisition.

  “Yeah, I did leave him in Arizona actually. He’s buried six feet under with a big, fat tombstone on top of his body. Is that explanation clear enough for you, Aiden?” I ask him sweetly.

  Fuck, how did all of this happen? How did we get to this? I look over at him, and he looks like he’s going to collapse. His eyes look pained, and he keeps watching me, not knowing what to say. I smile at him and stand up off the bed. I start walking out of the bedroom, because I can’t take this shit for one more minute. I’m fucking done.

  I feel his hand grab my arm, stopping me in my tracks. I spin around and push him with all that I have. He stumbles backwards slightly but doesn’t fall. He looks stunned, hurt radiating from his face. I feel like the biggest bitch for shoving him like that, but my walls have come up, protecting me from any incoming threats. I don’t care who I hurt at this point. If it’s Aiden, then so be it.

  I run out of the room and whip open the front door. I start trying to suck in air harshly through my mouth, my throat painfully constricted. I feel closed in, like I have to get away from everything; Aiden especially. I start shaking and fall to the street in front of the house. I bunch my fists tightly and drag them across the ground, over and over again. I feel my palms tear, rubbing off skin and blood in the process.

  I hear a door slam in the background, and Aiden yells my name. I ignore his calls to me and keep hitting the ground, gasping for relief. I let out an agonizing scream, trying to release all of the pain inside; the pain that I’ve hidden so well, until now. I feel Aiden’s presence closer to me, and he grabs me from behind. I try escape from his hold, hitting him and smearing blood everywhere. Oh God, just let me go! I can’t fucking breathe!

  “Emma, stop! You’re having a panic attack. Try to slow down your breathing. You just need to get air into your lungs,” he shouts over me. “I’m not letting you go. I’m fucking never letting you go,” he murmurs. “Just try to relax and breathe, baby.”

  I try to do as he says, as I feel my heart rate beginning to decelerate. My body feels drained, utterly wrecked from the episode. I inhale through my nose and exhale out through my mouth, tears pouring down my face. My body is still shaking, but I finally feel like I can breathe again.

  Aiden picks me up, supporting me in his arms back into the house. He sits down on the couch, with me in his arms, and rubs circles over my back.

  “Shhh, Emma. You’re doing great. Just relax, ok?” he says soothing me.

  I rest my head in the crook of his neck, feeling my wet eyelashes against his skin. God, I can’t believe I did that in front of him! He probably thinks I’m fucking unstable. I don’t even want to look at my hands to see the damage I’ve done. I know that I’ve ruined what Aiden and I had, and I don’t look forward to leaving.

  “I’m going to set you down next to me, ok?” he says to me gently. I just nod dully in agreement.

  He puts me down beside him, keeping one arm still enveloped around me. I take a few deep breaths, realizing that I have to tell him what exactly just happened. I see him looking at me with heartache and concern in his eyes. I can’t believe that I lashed out at him, and he still looks worried about me. I need to explain myself before I lose my nerve.

  “I met my husband, Jeremiah, in high-school. He was my first real boyfriend, first sex, pretty much first everything,” I say glancing up at him. I can’t read his expression, so I just continue. “We ended up going to different colleges and lost touch for a few years. We both dated people, but things never got serious with anyone. We ran into each other a few years ago and instantly started a relationship again,” I say, wiping my eyes.

  “Shortly after we got together, he was diagnosed with leukemia. He had it as a child, but they were able to get rid of it. Unfortunately it came back in full force, and we decided to get married before he started his chemo treatments.”

  “We were only together for a year before the treatment stopped working. I watched him waste away, being in excruciating pain all of the time,” I pause, looking over at Aiden. He frowns by my words.

  “That pain finally ended when I woke up one morning and found him dead, six months ago. That, um, that day I found him, I had my first panic attack,” I say remembering. “It took me half an hour before I could call anyone to let them know that he had passed. My mom and step-dad came to our place and found me. They had to pretty much restrain me. I destroyed our apartment, just trying to breathe and cope with the fact that he
was actually dead. I had to face the inevitable; he was never going to wake up again,” I say with emotion. God, I haven’t had an attack in so long. I thought I was over them, but I guess I was wrong. Just talking about Jeremiah brought it back.

  I look over at Aiden, and he looks like he’s trying to process what I just told him. I don’t know how he feels, but I’m sure he’s realizing how only a short time ago, Jeremiah died. I hope he doesn’t think that he’s just a rebound. No one really understood the marriage that we had. It defiantly was not a conventional union.

  “Jesus, Emma. I thought the worst of you when you said you had a husband. I didn’t even let you explain before I freaked out on you. I guess I just went crazy thinking about the men in your life before me. Now I feel like a fucking jackass. Your husband died, and here I was, assuming you were an adulterer,” he says looking torn.

  “Aiden, if anybody has to be asking for forgiveness, it’s me. I should have never laid my hands on you,” I say. Shit! I look at his shirt and see all of the blood. I look down towards my hands. They look like they’ve been through a cheese grater. They’re bloody and raw. He eyes widen in shock at my hands.

  “Shit, let’s get your hands fixed baby.”

  “No!” I say, “I need to finish,” I rush out.

  “That was fucked up of me to do that to you. I know what your dad did and it kills me, thinking that I treated you the same way. I just closed up on you and wanted you to hurt, just like me. The relationship that I had with Jeremiah isn’t what you think it was, Aiden,” I say to him. He looks pained.

  “Emma, I get that you loved him. Very much from the way you reacted. It only happened a few months ago, and you’re still not over him yet. I realize now that we may have rushed into this, and I can be patient. I want to be with you, I just can’t be his replacement, Emma,” he says dejectedly.

  “Aiden, please listen to me. I loved Jeremiah very much, yes, but not in the normal, married way. We always got along very well, and I had never had that with anyone before. Maybe it’s the only-child syndrome or me just being a closed-up bitch. I have no clue. He always made me feel so comfortable and cared for. The reason I…..shit, the reason I married him is, because I wanted him to have a somewhat full life before he died.” I look over at him, and he looks confused.

  “When we got married it had nothing to do with us finally realizing how after all these years we were meant to be together. We did it right when he was diagnosed, because we didn’t know if he was going to make it or not. He always wanted to get married and have a family. I honestly never even thought that far in the future. When he died, it was like the other half of me died too. He was my soul mate, but not in the romantic sense. It’s like we were best friends but more,” I say, trying to make him understand.

  “I took care of him while he was dying, Aiden. I saw things that I will never be able to get over; human suffering at its worst. During our entire marriage, I was hysterical and exhausted from taking care of him. There’s nothing else I would’ve rather been doing, though. I knew that he would’ve done the same for me. When he died, I felt like I died with him. I got so used to just living for him that I didn’t know how to live for me anymore. I thought he took my heart with him when he passed, but I was wrong. It’s still there. It’s strong, and it’s beating. For you,” I say in all honesty. I didn’t actually say that I was in love with him, but I might as well have.

  “I’ve never had a relationship like the one you’ve described Emma, so it’s difficult for me to understand. I’ve probably only had one really solid friendship, but that didn’t even last. I know that agreed we wouldn’t use our pasts against us. For some reason, it just hurts knowing you’ve had these strong feelings before, when I’m experiencing them for the very first time,” he says sadly.

  “What I feel for you is not the same as what I felt for Jeremiah. The second I saw you, I was drawn to you, Aiden. I wanted to know everything about you,” I say honestly.

  “I didn’t feel that with him. He bugged and bugged me until I hung out with him, and then I realized how amazing he was. I never wanted to be the girl who fell for a guy. Love was not something that held any interest to me. That’s why he was my only boyfriend before you. I never wanted to get hurt by someone or be controlled by my feelings. But I realized that it’s inevitable. You can’t help caring for people, and I learned that when he died.”

  He grabs my face in his hands and kisses me forcefully on the lips. I moan into his mouth, trying to show him how I much I love him. Hopefully he can feel it. He pulls away from my mouth, our breathing ragged.

  “I believe you, Emma. I don’t think that this was like that with him. I can see the way you look at me; with amazement and a little fear. That’s the exact same way I feel. I’m pretty sure the way it is between us doesn’t come along more than once in a lifetime,” he says softly.

  “I’m so glad that we met, Aiden. I know that I’m a pain in the ass most of the time and probably cause you more grief than good, but I’m trying to move on with my life. Just because someone dies, doesn’t mean that you don’t have to go on living. I know for a fact that Jeremiah would want me to be happy. And I am with you,” I say shyly. He looks over at me and smiles.

  “The tattoos that you have…they’re for him?” he asks.

  “Yeah, I got them during his treatment and after his death. It was pretty much for both of us. Inking myself helped to channel the pain and make it into something beautiful.” He nods at my answer and looks down at my hands again.

  “We really need to get your hands bandaged,” he says. I nod and follow him into his bathroom. He grabs some antiseptic and cleans them. I flinch slightly, because they hurt like a motherfucker. He puts on some ointment and bandages them nicely.

  “You should be able to take them off tomorrow. The scratches didn’t look too deep, so you should be okay to take them off before work. Unless there’s a way I can convince you to call in, and stay here with me,” he says smiling.

  “Fat chance, Aiden. I need some form of an income, and working is the only way to do that. You’re a very bad influence on me, you know,” I say joking.

  “Ok, Emma. You’re so fucking stubborn, but that’s what I like about you,” he says leaning against the bathroom counter sighing. “Fuck, this morning was the best one I’ve had, and then it all went to shit ever since Marcus came by.”

  “I’m sorry your day off was so shitty,” he says frowning. “I promise that my plans did not consist of today’s events,” he says looking run down.

  “Nothing was your fault. I have a feeling that you and I have had our fair share of shitty days. As long as I have you to come home to, I think I can deal. You’re all I need,” I say to him. He comes over to me, grabbing me by the waist.

  “You know, you’re being very sweet to me considering all you’ve been through. I want you to decide how you want to end the night. We can do whatever you want, Emma. We can grab something to eat and just sleep next to each other,” he pauses, looking at me intently. “Or we can finish what we started. You won’t get any more bullshit from me. It’s all about you, baby.” Hmm, I really had a rough day so far. But being loved would be a good distraction and a way to try something new with him. Maybe we can do all of the above.

  I smile at him. “How about we do both? I can make dinner again, since it was interrupted and ruined earlier by my new ‘best bud’, Marcus. Then you can fuck my tight little ass. Sound like a plan?”

  He looks at me now with hunger and anticipation in his eyes. I’m pretty sure he just expected me to call it a night. Ha, I’m full of surprises, Aiden. You should know that pretty well by now. Spontaneity is my middle name.

  “Sounds like a perfect plan. You better cook and eat fast though,” he says looking downward. I look at his jeans and see his comrade making a welcome appearance. Very nice. I’ll make sure dinner is as quick as possible. I really want to touch him, but my hands are wrapped and sting faintly. I’ll have to make sure to use my o
ther body parts on him later.

  “Let’s go to the kitchen then,” I say to him, and he releases my waist.

  I start walking out of the bathroom, and he slaps my ass hard. I yelp out in astonishment and look over my shoulder. He’s grinning widely at me.

  “I’m just giving you a taste of what’s to come,” he says shrugging.

  Wow, now I’m really looking forward to this. I have a feeling that Aiden is much rougher than I originally thought he was. I feel like he’s been holding back, thinking that he would scare me away. I instantly feel wet with enthusiasm.

  “Save it for the bedroom, Aiden,” I say laughing at him.

  “Couldn’t help myself baby; that ass is just so tempting,” he retorts.

  “Yeah, yeah. Let’s go and make something quick and easy, so you can show me what else you have slated for us,” I say to him, walking into the kitchen. I dump out the old noodles, onions and mushrooms, pissed that Marcus ruined a perfectly decent dinner.

  “Argh! I hate wasting food. Next time I see that asshole, I’m going tell him he owes me a fucking meal!” I say exasperated.

  “Whoa baby, just relax a little bit. Don’t get me wrong, I love this feisty side of you. Especially when it’s not directed at me,” he says smirking.

  “Hey, jerk” I say playfully punching him. “So not funny,” I say smiling. “Let’s just make some ramen noodles, which by the way are total college dorm room food. Why’d you even buy those?” I say looking in his pantry.

  “Hey, I’m not a cook, and it looked really easy to make. Never actually had them before,” he says laughing.

  “You’ve never had ramen?! Well, you’re missing out on a gourmet meal, my friend. Let me make them the way I like. Everybody has a special way that they make them. That’s why they’re so fun. Just sit back, relax, and wait until you try this masterpiece. Bam!” I yell, quoting a famous chef. He chuckles at my bad impression.

  “Ok, but when you make the noodles, it better be nice and slow. I wanna watch you stir those noodles. So sexy,” he says winking at me. Ha, what a smartass. I just roll my eyes and give him the not-so-friendly finger. He just laughs and watches me make the ramen.