by Davis, Jarod
Seth glanced over at her, “What are you thinking?”
“Nothing.”
“That is pretty annoying,” he said.
“Now you know how I feel.”
They settled back into their comfortable quiet. The road curved up as they hit the hills past Loomis. Kayla pulled her arms over her stomach and rubbed her hands together. As if on cue, Seth reached over and turned the heater on.
“You didn’t have to do that.”
“I did.” He smiled back at her.
Kayla started to notice the elevation signs. In twenty minutes, they cleared a thousand feet. Another thirty minutes and they were at four thousand. The freeway collapsed from five lanes down to four, three, then finally two. Around them, cars slowed down against gravity, but Seth stuck to the left lane at the same speed. The towns started to fade away as sub-developments gave way to trees. Everything turned to forest and eventually snow.
They cleared Auburn and kept going. It wouldn’t be long before they crossed the border into Nevada. Almost an hour had passed. When Kayla looked at the clock, she thought about where she would’ve been in school. First period would end in a few seconds. She’d probably miss a test or two and could feel the homework in her backpack that wouldn’t get turned in. The tests, the grades, and all of the paperwork didn’t mean anything if Seth needed her help.
A few minutes after Auburn, the warm air and steady rhythm of the engine and tires over the road, Kayla felt herself start to fall asleep. It wasn’t long before darkness hit her and she faded into a dream. Nothing concrete, she was warm and safe. There was just one sensation, the feel of Seth’s strong arms around her.
They pulled to a stop and Kayla heard Seth pull his key from the ignition. She rubbed her eyes and pushed herself. “We’re here?” she asked without any of idea where there might be. Outside, the sky was still gray and white in clouds. The street was empty. The only color was the green of the lawn set against the granite gravestones. They were on the street, parked in front of a cemetery. Seth opened the door, but Kayla didn’t follow him at first. He gave a quick nod, and she scrambled out too.
“Truckee,” he said.
It was a small town about eighty miles east of Sacramento, a place where people went to ski and throw snowballs. She’d spent some time there with her family on one of those weekends when they were still happy at home.
Seth held the flowers down, pointed at the ground like a blade. He walked like someone on his way to a death sentence or just a battle he knew he could never win. Seth would fight anyway. Walking beside him, Kayla couldn’t do anything but stay there. She wouldn’t leave him alone. She wouldn’t make him face this alone, no matter what this happened to be.
Seth maneuvered through the different sections, lawns, and like he’d been there a thousand times. At night, this place would’ve been creepy with elongated shadows and skeletal tree branches blown with the wind. Now it was just bleak. Their sneakers squished against the wet grass.
Somewhere toward the middle of the cemetery around a hundred yards from the front gates, Seth slowed. Kayla stayed a few feet back, because she didn’t want to intrude.
With careful deference, Seth reached down and placed the flowers in front of the gravestone. The engraved writing read, “Sergeant Marshal Garcia. Son. Husband. Father. Missed Every Single Day.”
“I come here a lot.”
“Did you know him?”
“A little,” Seth told her. “Just a few minutes.”
“But those were an important few minutes.”
“For him more than me,” he said, his lips pulled in a dark smirk. “We met.” He bit down and his voice almost cracked. Seth blinked, his eyes shining as he tried to hold something back, “Something bad happened. It was my fault.”
Kayla didn’t know what she was supposed to say. She didn’t know what words would be the right ones to say. That’s why she just put her palm to his shoulder. When he didn’t shrug her free, she squeezed a little tighter, a silent promise she’d stay no matter what.
“Do you want to be left alone?”
“It doesn’t matter.” He kneeled down, his forehead planted against his knee. “I’m sorry. I say it every time. It still doesn’t mean anything, but know that I’m keeping my promise. I’ll take care of her. I’ll keep her safe. She’ll never want for anything money can provide. I know it’s nothing. It doesn’t matter and it can’t make anything even close to right. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He didn’t move, but he didn’t speak either. Kayla watched, her eyes moist. More than anything, she wanted to reach out and heal him. She wanted to make that pain go away, the way he was always there to help her, to help her escape everything that happened.
When he stood again, he didn’t say anything. He looked at her for a moment like he was waiting for something, a question, an attack, something, anything. When Kayla didn’t speak, he headed back for the car.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
“Better than him.” He glanced over at her, “One more place okay?”
“Yeah.”
This drive was shorter. They looped back to one of the main streets. She could tell it was a main street because it actually had a stop light. Most of their roads were governed by stop signs and common courtesy.
Seth pulled to a stop in front of a school. It must’ve been recess because there were kids running around in coats and fuzzy pairs of pants. They moved around like a little snow storm of color amid bouncing playground balls, shouts, and laughter.
Seth left the engine running. He pointed across the blacktop and said, “See that girl, the one in the red coat with her hood pulled up.” She was hard to find, but Kayla spotted her. She looked a little older, maybe eleven or twelve. “She’s the cop’s father.”
“The one you promised to take care of.”
Seth nodded, a quick motion. “Yes. I make sure to check up on her as much as I can.”
“She looks happy.”
“She lost a parent.”
“That must hurt. I don’t think I can even think of what that would feel like.”
“You can’t imagine it until it’s happened and you feel the hole in your life.”
“You’ve taken care of her?”
“Officially, no. There’s a CEO over in Granite Bay who decided to send her family anonymous donations for no reason. I had nothing to do with it.” With his eyes steady, he sounded serious. No one else would’ve heard the lie. Seth broke his attention away from the little girl who lost a father, turned back to Kayla, “Are you hungry?”
He was still quiet for the drive through the scattered buildings that made up downtown Truckee. Most of it looked like it was designed for tourists with the kinds of souvenir shop Kayla never really liked. All built out of tarnished brown wood and equipped with giant windows, there were t-shirt and crystal shops, places to buy candy, and melted snow. The one toy shop looked like everything would be plastic and ten times the price of any dollar store.
Despite the quiet, Kayla didn’t push Seth. He showed her a lot today. Even if she didn’t know the whole truth, she could settle for what he shared today. It was more than she ever expected him to reveal. Rolling through town, she thought they were closer than she could have expected. This was big for him, so it was big for her too.
They went over to a Chinese place. There were just two tables, each covered in faded table clothes. Out through the window, they could watch people and cars stroll by. It was early enough for lunch, but there still weren’t many people going around.
It was only when they sat down that Seth stared through the glass. He didn’t follow anything or anyone. It didn’t even look like he saw any of the things in front of him. “I come here as much as I can.”
“Do you want to tell me what happened?”
“Do you remember what I said before?” He shook his head, “If I tell you, I’m pretty sure that’ll be it for us. You wouldn’t want to spend any time with me.”
“That’s not true.�
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“How can you know?”
“I could prove it if you’d tell me.”
“I really care about you.” That was the only defense he had.
“When you’re ready.”
The server brought their food. Kayla sipped her quesadilla soup without really tasting it. She watched Seth and wished she could do something for him. Past sitting with him, she didn’t know what else there was. She tried to remind herself that for someone without many people in his life, that was probably very important.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“Why do you believe in goodness?”
“Because I believe in God. If the universe was created by someone who loved us, then I know that everything will be good at the end.” She stopped for a second, because she could see the shadow of disbelief in his face. “Even if there are bad things and pains and challenges now, it’ll be for the best. Everything we go through will make us better and stronger people.”
“What if it breaks us?” he asked. “What about those moments when something is so terrible, but there is no healing.”
“Healing can always happen,” she said. “It’s hard, and it takes faith, but healing is always possible if you’re willing to ask.” He proved that point, Kayla thought. A week ago, he never would’ve shown anyone this part of his life. Even if it hurt him, he was getting better, trying to get better.
“I can’t believe in God.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t believe the world is a good place. That’s why I can’t have faith.”
“Do you want to?” Kayla knew lots of people who didn’t want to believe in Him. Sometimes they didn’t trust someone they couldn’t see. Sometimes they didn’t want to think they couldn’t be in control of their universes, even when they couldn’t. Sometimes they mistook what others did as what God did. Sometimes, they just didn’t care. None of that would be Seth’s problem. His was worse. She saw it every day, because he didn’t think he deserved love, forgiveness. She couldn’t know why, but that would stop him. He’d freeze out God’s love and ball himself together with nothing but pain.
“I don’t know. It’s hard to want something you don’t think is possible.”
“God loves you. There’s no question of that.”
“If you were perfect goodness, the way we think God is, would you forgive everything?” He looked at her. He didn’t hunt for deception. He’d trust her, Kayla knew, but he wanted to see if she’d flinch, if some doubt rusted against her beliefs.
“I couldn’t.”
“That’s what I think too.”
“But I’m not God,” Kayla said. “I don’t know how He could love us. I mean, we do so much stuff that is so bad. We hurt each other. We’re really mean. We’re the people who might destroy our planet, who poison ourselves, but He still loves us. It’s incredible and scary.”
“Scary?”
“There’s something really intense about being loved that much. I don’t know, maybe I’m just scared I won’t be able to live up to it.”
“You really believe, don’t you?”
Kayla wasn’t sure what he meant by that. But he was right. She did mean it. She was scared of imperfection even as she knew it had to happen. And she believed. She believed in God and everything He represented, and she’d hold onto that no matter what. Her faith might shake sometimes, but that was her weakness, something she’d try to avoid as much as possible. “I believe. Just like I believe you could find the same faith if you want to search for it.” Maybe those weren’t the right words, but they were the best she had.
“It’s that easy?”
“It’s not easy,” she said. “Every time I hear my parents fight, I have to wonder what’s going on. After all, they were my first teachers. Now they’ve turned their backs on so much of what they taught me to believe. That’s really hard sometimes.”
Seth turned away from the window. “You always manage to surprise me.”
“Is it a good thing.”
“It’s a great thing,” he said. “If I could see your thoughts, I’m sure I’d find everything you’re telling me.”
“Unless I’m just the world’s best liar.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Why not?”
“You have an honest face.”
Kayla stuck her tongue out at him. “I do not,” she said, almost pouting.
“See what I mean? I can trust you. You’re the only person who I’m not actively controlling I’d be willing to trust. I don’t want that to end.”
“Neither do I,” Kayla said. “But there’s something else.” She didn’t know if she’d get this right, but she’d try anyway, “Look, you should try to see the good in the world. I know you have enemies, and I know they’d want to hurt you. But you should try to open yourself up. Think that maybe there are some really great things out there too.”
“I know there are,” he said with a quarter-smile, his eyes on her. A different kind of warmth and hope simmered across Kayla’s fingertips because he might listen. He might be able to find something. If she was really lucky, maybe they’d even find something together.
Friday morning. Friday morning, the best day of the week for everyone else. It was the start of the weekend, the opening gate to freedom from homework, teachers, and those little responsibilities that made sleep feel so very good.
Kayla didn’t wake up to her alarm’s buzzer or even the sounds of her siblings getting ready for school. She opened her eyes to the muffled shouts of parents who wanted to gut each other. Kayla couldn’t follow the arguments. She didn’t want to as she pulled her pillow over her head. There was still the same rage. Someone never liked his parents. She never made enough. He always spent too much.
As she showered, she could still hear the thudded voices. In a better world, she would’ve gone out there and told them to shut up. They were adults. They should’ve acted like it. But that wouldn’t work. At best, she’d just get drawn into the same fight. It was like this whirlpool of anger that everyone just fell into.
Kayla toweled off, pulled on her clothes, and headed back downstairs. Skyler and Everett were getting their breakfasts, but Kayla told them to skip it. “Let’s go get some breakfast,” she said. Everett looked surprised, but nodded. Skyler looked grateful and had her stuff ready in the next fifteen seconds.
Before they left, Kayla went up to her parents’ room, knocked, and waited for an answer. When they didn’t answer, she scribbled a note, and put it on the door. It was an explanation that their kids didn’t disappear.
“Think they’ll kill each other?” Everett asked when he took a spot in the backseat.
“Don’t say that,” Skyler spun around. “Do not say that.”
“What?” he shrugged, “I wasn’t serious.”
“They’ll be fine.”
“What are you basing that on?” he asked.
“She’s right,” Skyler said, “They’ll work things out.”
“Do you mean they’ll get back together or they just won’t stab each other? Because the stabbing thing sounds pretty unlikely, sure, but the getting back together part seems pretty impossible.”
“Everett,” Kayla said and sounded like a parent and really wished she didn’t.
“Just saying,” he mumbled because he had to slide in the last word.
Breakfast was cheap and easy. Kayla tried to talk to them, but Skyler went silent and Everett pulled out his handheld. That left her alone with her styrophone packed pancakes and thoughts about what was supposed to happen tonight.
Friday, at four o’clock, she and her parents had an appointment with a judge. She would go into an office and tell a strange who she thought she wanted to live with. Maybe she’d get to explain her answer. Maybe not. It didn’t matter, because Kayla didn’t see a right answer there.
Anxiety tore at the corners of every thought. She’d try to think about school, and that same fear would be there. She didn’t have a
n answer. She didn’t know how she was suppose to pick something like that. When she looked at her brother and sister, she couldn’t ask. She didn’t know if they’d told them.
After breakfast, she dropped them off at their schools, and drove back to school. She went slowly. She didn’t care if she was late, because she wanted to skip again. She wanted to pretend that she didn’t have to turn in those papers or take that quiz for fourth period.
Sitting in her car, she watched everyone stream towards the school. Teachers, principles, secretaries, students, and monitors hovered around the buildings like bees. She wanted to leave. She wanted to drive somewhere and disappear. She might’ve done it too, except another monitor tapped on her window and motioned for her to head inside. Somehow, getting a detention today didn’t sound like a great idea, so she hauled her stuff out and headed for campus as the second warning bell started to ring.
But it didn’t get better.
Kayla didn’t say anything and she didn’t notice her ex-friends. The glares and malevolent glances were still around her like toxic eddies, but she didn’t feel any of it. Everything always went back to those minutes after school when she’d get home, get in the backseat of one parent’s car, and go tell someone how her family should be broken up.
At lunch, Kayla didn’t see Seth around, and she didn’t think Erin or Isaac wanted to hear about it. They were too busy flirting about who had the most fun the last time they went out. She ate her lunch, smiled along whenever she was supposed to, and waited until lunch was over. Same thing with her other classes.
It was waiting, waiting for inspiration, waiting for some understanding of what she was supposed to do. That whole day felt like sitting through a test where she didn’t know any of the answers. The same question stared at her, but she didn’t know what she was supposed to say. She didn’t know what would happen, and she hated herself for it.