The Last Dance

by Carolyn McCrae

  “Did you marry?”

  “No. Far too young yet.”

  “What you mean is no one came close to Susannah.”

  “No one came close to Susannah.” He agreed flatly. “How is she?” No point in hedging around the subject.

  “Difficult to say.” No point in being dishonest.

  “When did you last see her?”

  “The day before yesterday actually, it was her youngest’s first birthday. They had a small party.”

  “Her youngest? How many children has she got?”

  “Four.”

  “Shit.”

  Charles deliberately misunderstood “Yes, that’s what we all think actually. He is a bit of a shit.”

  “That’s not what I meant and you know it. But is he?”

  “Absolutely. Did you hear how they got together?”

  “No – just that they did, and it must have been bloody soon after I had – gone”

  As they ate their meal Charles told Carl details that he had not known. It hurt, but he had imagined things far worse.

  “How are they? I mean are they happy?”

  “No. Sorry, I’d love to say they are but it’s pretty obvious they aren’t – at least Susannah isn’t – Joe’s as happy as a sand boy. He’s got absolutely everything he could want – a wife, children, a home and a job – none of which he could possibly have had if he hadn’t got Susannah pregnant. No he’s fine and dandy, it’s Susannah we’re all worried about.”

  “Worried about?”

  Charles told him about the birthday party and the tensions and something of Susannah’s obvious pain and loneliness.

  “Why haven’t you done anything about it? Why haven’t you got her away from him? Why have you all just sat there and make her put up with it? I can’t believe you’ve just left her to it!”

  “We didn’t do anything because, until last Saturday, we had no idea how bad it was. She has always, always, put on a brave face.”

  “For Christ’s sake Charles, couldn’t you stop him or something? Four children and she’s not 24 yet!”

  “It was her decision.”

  “No. It was not. It was her family’s. It was yours and mine and Arnold’s and Kathleen’s, and yes, and Alicia’s – the only person who has had no say in it at all is her. Christ what was she when she married? 16? 17? They all – you all – we all should have known better.”

  People were looking at them.

  Charles tried to calm him down so he changed the subject by asking Carl what he had been ‘up to’ in the intervening years and was rewarded by a brief summary of life with the Forsters, his degree years in Sussex, his lecturing at Cambridge. Carl ended up thoughtfully. “Funny that – us both writing books and being on the radio.”

  “Perhaps there’s more to this ‘inheritance over environment’ stuff than meets the eye!”

  They relaxed again as the coffee was poured.

  “I met your mother you know.” Carl decided to stray onto dangerous territory.

  “Oh yes? When? What was she up to?”

  He didn’t answer directly “In Leatherhead, I went travelling after finals, to Spain, and when I got back I decided I would find her to check that Susie really was my sister. Silly really. Anyway I did find her eventually.

  “And....”

  “And she told me that Susie and I don’t share one parent, let alone two. After all that shit and bollocks we aren’t related at all.”

  “What?” Charles was clearly stunned.

  “You don’t know?”

  “Absolutely not! She must be your sister – you’re definitely my brother, Arnold’s son, aren’t you?”

  “In a nutshell then – my parents are Kathleen and Arnold. Susannah’s parents are Alicia and Henry.”

  That was greeted by the shocked silence Carl had hoped for when he had dreamed of telling someone in the family the truths he had known since that dreadful trip to London on Alicia’s birthday nearly three years earlier.

  “How the hell?”

  “To cut a long, and not very pretty, story short Henry raped Alicia when his wife, Kathleen, was carrying Arnold’s child – me.”

  He fleshed out some of the details – he had forgotten nothing that Alicia had said to him but he was definitely not going to tell Charles everything. The restaurant was emptying – they were alone.

  “God almighty! I knew they were all a bunch of selfish shits but I didn’t realise…”

  “Anyway – the day after you saw Susie and me in that bloody cinema Kathleen and Arnold rang Alicia. I don’t think they knew who Susie’s father really was – I think they thought she had sex with both of them.”

  “Good God!”

  “Anyway they phoned Alicia. Who lied. She said Arnold was Susannah’s father. She lied quite deliberately.”

  “And because of that lie Susannah married Joe, you went off to god-knows-where and nobody lived happily ever after.”

  “Pretty much.”

  “Shit.”

  “Yes, she was wasn’t she?” It was Carl’s turn to deliberately misunderstand.

  “Well what are we going to do about it?”

  “Nothing. Absolutely fucking nothing. We can do absolutely fucking nothing to put past wrongs right.”

  “I suppose she needs to know but it can’t help her now.”

  “Well, Arnold is dead. Alicia’s very ill – probably not got long.” He was matter of fact though it was his brother’s mother he was talking about. “Henry’s dead and Kathleen has probably made her own life – nothing’s been heard of her since Arnold’s funeral.”

  “So if anything’s going to be done it has to be....”

  “....while we’ve still got Alicia with us.” Carl finished for him.

  “If we don’t have one of them to tell the truth – sign an affidavit or something in front of a solicitor – then nothing can be proved. Where is she?”

  “I don’t know – I used to but I know she’s moved – but we both know a man who will.”

  “Ted! Of course! Funny how he always gets involved in this family. And I know where to find him.”

  “Do you go alone or do we go together?”

  “A united front I think. Do you have to get back to Cambridge now or could you stay up a day or so?”

  “I don’t have to be anywhere for a few weeks actually. I’m on vacation – supposed to be heading off to Italy in a few days but nothing is cast in concrete. I can stay up – of course I can – this is far too important – for Susie.”

  The two men drained their cups. “Yes. Let’s.” And they walked quickly together out of the bar, through the foyer, practically knocking over a young girl as they pushed through the crowd “I beg your pardon.”

  “Wow! That’s real polite.” A sarcastic American voice was lost on them as they had already pushed through the revolving doors to run down the steps and grabbed the pale green taxi that was just about to leave from the bottom of the steps.

  As they settled back Charles said with uncharacteristic mischief “You really will never guess where he’s living!”

  Chapter Thirty

  When the doorbell to the flat rang I was not well pleased.

  I had had a harrowing day, lunchtime with Susannah had been followed by various unusual telephone calls from my office. I had managed to arrange for Susannah to go into a clinic in Liverpool the next day. I wasn’t happy about my part in this at all but she was very grateful and she had no one else.

  She had given her lies to Joe about meeting an old friend from university and having lunch – Monika would look after the children. It was all arranged but I was exhausted even though I had left the office early.

  When I got back to Alicia at Millcourt I was completely in two minds as to whether to tell her about it or not. I decided not, and the lying just made matters worse. All I wanted to do was have something to drink and sit watching mindless television.

  And then the doorbell rang.

  Almost the last thin
g I expected was the sight of Carl and Charles in the hallway.

  “Good God – come on in – both of you. Good God!”

  “Who is it?” The unmistakable voice of Alicia from the lounge meant that my two young visitors were as shocked as I had been a moment before.

  It wasn’t just the two young men on my doorstep who had some explaining to do.

  Charles hadn’t visited me since I had moved into the flat in their old house. He had had no reason to.

  She had been very ill for a long time but her voice retained many of its old qualities. There was no mistaking who she was.

  “Mother?” Charles looked at me for an explanation.

  “Alicia. Oh shit!” Carl was obviously not prepared for this.

  “Yes, it’s Alicia and she is not very well at all. She has forgotten much and forgiven that which she remembers.”

  I was talking to them both, and hoped they would both be reassured. I ushered them into the drawing room. Alicia was lying in the window seat, her legs covered by an eiderdown. She had had a reasonably good day and, to me, looked relatively strong, but the boys hadn’t seen her for years and their shock was palpable.

  Alicia was tired and she had taken her evening drugs. Her hair, once dark and wavy was now thin and grey, and it was obvious even with the eiderdown and her dressing gown that her figure had completely gone to skin and bone.

  Her voice sounded unnaturally strong “How wonderful to see you, both of you.” I recognised it as the voice she used when she was not taking anything in, she was simply acting the part of Alicia.

  Neither said anything. Alicia continued as if she understood what she was saying “All we need is Susannah and we’re all together. A very long time.” But I knew she wouldn’t remember this in the morning.

  I took matters in hand.

  “Now, Charles, your mother is very tired – she will be better in the morning. Can Carl stay with you go at Sandhey? Can I come round tomorrow? After breakfast? We have much to talk about. Good.” Charles had assented with a nod of his head. “Now off you go. I’ll see you about 9 tomorrow morning. Alicia must rest. She is shocked. You really should have telephoned first.”

  It was pointless of them to remind me that they had not known she was here.

  The mood I was in and the things going through my mind meant that I was unreasonably short with them.

  The next morning I waited until the nurse had arrived and left Alicia at the normal time, as if I was going to the office but instead I walked across the golf course to Sandhey.

  There were already quite a few people on the course as it was a lovely day, and I enjoyed the quiet walk across the dry springy grass and sandy paths to another world.

  I sat down at the kitchen table with Max, Charles and Carl as Monika handed round mugs of coffee. Conversation was somewhat strained as we tried to find out what we were really there to talk about.

  Carl and Charles explained how they had met and the coincidences in the way their careers were progressing were quite striking. Seeing them together it amazed me that anyone could think they weren’t brothers though the difference in their ages seemed far more than the four years it actually was.

  I watched Max looking at them as they were talking. The one man who had lived in his house for so many years and who was a son to him, and his brother who he had hardly known. I wondered what he was thinking.

  We listened as Carl explained what Alicia had told him about Susannah and the happenings in the Lakes that New Year. Some of us knew some of the facts, but to hear the circumstances was shocking.

  As the facts presented themselves we found we were trying to decide whether or not to tell Susannah the truth, whether it would be better simply to get Alicia to confirm the details ‘just in case circumstances change’. There were arguments for and against both courses of action.

  I had to explain how, over the past years, I had been visiting Alicia and how, now she was nearing the end, I had taken it upon myself to look after her as there was no one else. I couldn’t resist looking at Max to see how he took this. He gave little away.

  I told them I didn’t think it would be easy getting Alicia to swear to anything.

  Carl didn’t mention his mother and I rather assumed that he had no interest in that side of his family – all he cared about was making sure Susannah would have the correct details of her parentage. He told us that he knew it was too late for it to make any difference to his life but he knew how important it would be one day for Susannah to know the real truth.

  As we sat around the table for most of the morning, I kept thinking of the poor girl, who we all cared about, who would be worrying about getting the train to Liverpool; she would be picturing the walk up the hill to the clinic and imagining what she would have to go through in a few hours.

  It was Monika who brought our conversation to an end.

  Perhaps we hadn’t realised she was there as we talked across each other, adding details to one or other’s generalities.

  “Susannah must be told all that you have said and it is she who must decide what she wants her mother to do. Susannah must decide whether she wants to do anything. It is not up to you to decide for her. You men. Why do you think that just because you are men you have the right to decide for her? You don’t. You are all trying to do the right thing for her but you haven’t once mentioned asking her. She is not a child to be manipulated for her own good any more. She is the one who must decide. Only she can.”

  It was probably the longest speech any of us, with the exception of Charles, had heard from Monika. She was also absolutely right and I for one felt ashamed that I had presumed to know what the right answer for Susannah would be.

  “Quite right, my dear.” Max spoke for all of us.

  “I’m looking after the children this afternoon so she can visit a friend, I will go around now and talk to her before she leaves. I will tell her. all that I have heard you discuss today. She must know the truth so she can decide what she wants to do.”

  Max nodded in agreement as Charles looked at Monika and smiled. “Yes, you’re absolutely right.”

  After all the years of lies and part truths I felt I owed it to them all to speak the truth, for once not to hide.

  “Don’t worry her now. Please. Talk to her another time, she has enough worries on her plate at present. You saw her on Saturday – she’s nearing the end of her tether.”

  They all looked at me. We all knew something of the life she led with him, but it was to me that Susannah had confided the detail of how he controlled her. It was me she had told of her unhappiness and fear.

  Perhaps they thought it wasn’t for me to say. Perhaps they felt they should have realised she couldn’t cope with much more and were disappointed in themselves not to have thought of it. Perhaps they realised there was more to it. “She’s not visiting friends in Liverpool, she’s seeing a doctor.”

  “Do you know why?” Max asked the question, but they all knew the answer.

  I decided there was only one way to tell them. “She’s having an abortion.”

  Carl broke the silence that followed.

  “How do you know this?”

  “I organised it.”

  They must have wondered why she had asked me but none of them said anything.

  Carl looked unbelievably hurt.

  “Why?”

  “She hates him.” Monika answered Carl’s question. “She has hated him for a long time. He forces her. Just like you said happened to make her.” She sounded very defeated and there was nothing we could say.

  “What were your arrangements?” Max was the first one to be practical.

  “I’m to be there by 12 and stay with the children until their father gets back from work or until Susannah returns.”

  “If she’s having an abortion she won’t be well.”

  “Will she be able to hide that from him?”

  “We mustn’t leave her or the children alone with him.”

  “He’s s
uspicious of her already, look how he didn’t want her to go to my lecture. He must realise that there is something going on. Joe mustn’t find out the real reason.” Charles had realised the danger she would be in if he did.

  Carl asked the question we who knew Joe answered in our minds as he asked it. “What will he do if he does?”

  “He mustn’t.”

  “She will be in no fit state to argue with him.”

  “She will need our help.”

  “He must not find out.”

  “What will he do if he does?”

  The answer was left unspoken.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Monika was getting the children’s tea when Joe got back from work. Josie, nearly 7 years old, helped her. Jack, Al and Bill were sitting in high chairs around the kitchen table. The radio was on, playing a lively tune about the weather being hot and it being summertime and someone having women on their mind.

  Monika remembered that clearly for years to come.

  “Is that woman not back yet? It’s 5 o’clock.”

  “No, Susannah is not back yet.”

  “I came home early especially, I wanted to hear all about her afternoon with her old friend from university.” It was obvious from his voice that he had not believed a word of her excuse.

  “She is not back yet.” Monika repeated as she continued to feed the children their tea.

  Joe had frequently told Susannah that when he wanted to enjoy a bit of fun with another woman he had to do it away from home. He would tell her how he would like to bring one of the women from the pub back and have sex in their bed. He had taunted her by saying that that was exactly what he would do the moment he was ever left alone in the house long enough – even if the children were at home.

  Another of the visions he had taunted his wife with was his curiosity about his having sex with Monika. He would talk about it when they were in bed together. Susannah put it down to his wanting to humiliate her, wanting to arouse himself as he went through the motions of sex with her.

  There was enough reality in the threats to have tied Susannah to the house when there was any chance he would be there. She had had to make sure that neither the children nor Monika were left alone with him. Under normal circumstances.