Jurgen: A Comedy of Justice

by James Branch Cabell

  16.

  Divers Imbroglios of King Smoit

  Now it befell that for three nights in succession the PrincessGuenevere was unable to converse with Jurgen in the Hall ofJudgment. So upon one of these disengaged evenings Duke Jurgen helda carouse with Aribert and Urien, two of Gogyrvan's barons, who hadjust returned from Pengwaed-Gir, and had queer tales to narrate ofthe Trooping Fairies who garrison that place.

  All three were seasoned topers, so Jurgen went to bed prepared foranything. Later he sat up in bed, and found it was much as he hadsuspected. The room was haunted, and at the foot of his couch weretwo ghosts: one an impudent-looking leering phantom, in a suit ofold-fashioned armor, and the other a beautiful pale lady, in thecustomary flowing white draperies.

  "Good-morning to you both," says Jurgen, "and sorry am I that Icannot truthfully observe I am glad to see you. Though you arewelcome enough if you can manage to haunt the room quietly." Then,seeing that both phantoms looked puzzled, Jurgen proceeded toexplain. "Last year, when I was traveling upon business inWestphalia, it was my grief to spend a night in the haunted castleof Neuedesberg, for I could not get any sleep at all in that place.There was a ghost in charge who persisted in rattling very largeiron chains and in groaning dismally throughout the night. Thentoward morning he took the form of a monstrous cat, and climbed uponthe foot of my bed: and there he squatted yowling until daybreak.And as I am ignorant of German, I was not able to convey to him anyidea of my disapproval of his conduct. Now I trust that ascompatriots, or as I might say with more exactness, as formercompatriots, you will appreciate that such behavior is out of allreason."

  "Messire," says the male ghost, and he oozed to his full height,"you are guilty of impertinence in harboring such a suspicion. I canonly hope it proceeds from ignorance."

  "For I am sure," put in the lady, "that I always disliked cats, andwe never had them about the castle."

  "And you must pardon my frankness, messire," continued the maleghost, "but you cannot have moved widely in noble company if you areindeed unable to distinguish between members of the feline speciesand of the reigning family of Glathion."

  "Well, I have seen dowager queens who justified some suchconfusion," observed Jurgen. "Still, I entreat the forgiveness ofboth of you, for I had no idea that I was addressing royalty."

  "I was King Smoit," explained the male phantom, "and this was myninth wife, Queen Sylvia Tereu."

  Jurgen bowed as gracefully, he flattered himself, as was possible inhis circumstances. It is not easy to bow gracefully while sittingerect in bed.

  "Often and over again have I heard of you, King Smoit," says Jurgen."You were the grandfather of Gogyrvan Gawr, and you murdered yourninth wife, and your eighth wife, and your fifth wife, and yourthird wife too: and you went under the title of the Black King, foryou were reputed the wickedest monarch that ever reigned in Glathionand the Red Islands."

  It seemed to Jurgen that King Smoit evinced embarrassment, but it ishard to be quite certain when a ghost is blushing. "Perhaps I wasspoken of in some such terms," says Smoit, "for the neighbors werecensorious gossips, and I was not lucky in my marriages. And Iregret, I bitterly regret, to confess that, in a moment of extremeyet not quite unprovoked excitement, I assassinated the lady whomyou now behold."

  "And I am sure, through no fault of mine," says Sylvia Tereu.

  "Certainly, my dear, you resisted with all your might. I only wishthat you had been a larger and a brawnier woman. But you, messire,can now perceive, I suppose, the folly of expecting a high King ofGlathion, and the queen that he took delight in, to sit upon yourbed and howl?"

  So then, upon reflection, Jurgen admitted he had never had thatexperience; nor, he handsomely added, could he recall any similarincident among his friends.

  "The notion is certainly preposterous," went on King Smoit, and verygrimly he smiled. "We are drawn hither by quite other intentions. Infact, we wish to ask of you, as a member of the family, yourassistance in a delicate affair."

  "I would be delighted," Jurgen stated, "to aid you in any possibleway. But why do you call me a member of the family?"

  "Now, to deal frankly," says Smoit, with a grin, "I am not claimingany alliance with the Duke of Logreus--"

  "Sometimes," says Jurgen, "one prefers to travel incognito. As aking, you ought to understand that."

  --"My interest is rather in the grandson of Steinvor. Now you willremember your grandmother Steinvor as, I do not doubt, a charmingold lady. But I remember Steinvor, the wife of Ludwig, as one of theloveliest girls that a king's eyes ever lighted on."

  "Oh, sir," says Jurgen, horrified, "and what is this you are tellingme!"

  "Merely that I had always an affectionate nature," replied KingSmoit, "and that I was a fine upstanding young king in those days.And one of the results of my being these things was your father,whom men called Coth the son of Ludwig. But I can assure you Ludwighad done nothing to deserve it."

  "Well, well!" said Jurgen: "all this is very scandalous: and veryupsetting, too, it is to have a brand-new grandfather foisted uponyou at this hour of the morning. Still, it happened a great whileago: and if Ludwig did not fret over it, I see no reason why Ishould do so. And besides, King Smoit, it may be that you are nottelling me the truth."

  "If you doubt my confession, messire my grandson, you have only tolook into the next mirror. It is precisely on this account that wehave ventured to dispel your slumbers. For to me you bear a strikingresemblance. You have the family face."

  Now Jurgen considered the lineaments of King Smoit of Glathion."Really," said Jurgen, "of course it is very flattering to be toldthat your appearance is regal. I do not at all know what to say inreply to the implied compliment, without seeming uncivil. I wouldnever for a moment question that you were much admired in your day,sir, and no doubt very justly so. None the less--well, my nose, now,from such glimpses of it as mirrors have hitherto afforded, does notappear to be a snub-nose."

  "Ah, but appearances are proverbially deceitful," observed KingSmoit.

  "And about the left hand corner," protested Queen Sylvia Tereu, "Idetect a distinct resemblance."

  "Now I may seem unduly obtuse," said Jurgen, "for I am a littleobtuse. It is a habit with me, a very bad habit formed in earlyinfancy, and I have never been able to break myself of it. And so Ihave not any notion at what you two are aiming."

  Replied the ghost of King Smoit: "I will explain. Just sixty-threeyears ago to-night I murdered my ninth wife in circumstances ofpeculiar brutality, as you with rather questionable taste havementioned."

  Then Jurgen was somewhat abashed, and felt that it did not become him,who had so recently cut off the head of his own wife, to assume the airsof a precisian. "Of course," says Jurgen, more broad-mindedly, "theselittle family differences are always apt to occur in married life."

  "So be it! Though, by the so-and-sos of Ursula's eleven thousandtraveling companions, there was a time wherein I would not havebrooked such criticism. Ah, well, that time is overpast, and I am abloodless thing that the wind sweeps at the wind's will throughlands in which but yesterday King Smoit was dreaded. So I let thatwhich has been be."

  "Well, that seems reasonable," said Jurgen, "and to be a triflerhetorical is the privilege of grandfathers. Therefore I entreatyou, sir, to continue."

  "Two years afterward I followed the Emperor Locrine in hisexpedition against the Suevetii, an evil and luxurious people whoworship Gozarin peculiarly, by means of little boats. I must tellyou, grandson, that was a goodly raid, conducted by a band of tidyfighters in a land of wealth and of fine women. But alack, as thesaying is, in our return from Osnach my loved general Locrine wascaptured by that arch-fiend Duke Corineus of Cornwall: and I, amongmany others who had followed the Emperor, paid for our merrylarcenies and throat-cuttings a very bitter price. Corineus was notat all broadminded, not what you would call a man of the world. Soit was in a noisome dungeon that I was incarcerated,--I, Smoit ofGlathion, who conquered Enisgarth and Sargyll in open battle andfearlessly marr
ied the heiress of Camwy! But I spare you theunpleasant details. It suffices to say that I was dissatisfied withmy quarters. Yet fain to leave them as I became, there was but oneway. It involved the slaying of my gaoler, a step which was, Iconfess, to me distasteful. I was getting on in life, and had growntired of killing people. Yet, to mature deliberation, the life of agraceless varlet, void of all gentleness and with no bowels ofcompassion, and deaf to suggestions of bribery, appeared of nooverwhelming importance."

  "I can readily imagine, grandfather, that you were not deeplyinterested in either the nature or the anatomy of your gaoler. Soyou did what was unavoidable."

  "Yes, I treacherously slew him, and escaped in an impenetrabledisguise to Glathion, where not long afterward I died. My dyingjust then was most annoying, for I was on the point of being married,and she was a remarkably attractive girl,--King Tyrnog's daughter,from Craintnor way. She would have been my thirteenth wife. And nota week before the ceremony I tripped and fell down my own castlesteps, and broke my neck. It was a humiliating end for one who hadbeen a warrior of considerable repute. Upon my word, it made me thinkthere might be something, after all, in those old superstitions aboutthirteen being an unlucky number. But what was I saying?--oh, yes!It is also unlucky to be careless about one's murders. You willreadily understand that for one or two such affairs I am condemnedyearly to haunt the scene of my crime on its anniversary: suchan arrangement is fair enough, and I make no complaint, though ofcourse it does rather break into the evening. But it happened thatI treacherously slew my gaoler with a large cobble-stone on thefifteenth of June. Now the unfortunate part, the really awkwardfeature, was that this was to an hour the anniversary of the deathof my ninth wife."

  "And you murdering insignificant strangers on such a day!" saidQueen Sylvia. "You climbing out of jail windows figged out as a ladyabbess, on an anniversary you ought to have kept on your knees inunavailing repentance! But you were a hard man, Smoit, and it waslittle loving courtesy you showed your wife at a time when she mightreasonably look to be remembered, and that is a fact."

  "My dear, I admit it was heedless of me. I could not possibly saymore. At any rate, grandson, I discovered after my decease that suchheedlessness entailed my haunting on every fifteenth of June atthree in the morning two separate places."

  "Well, but that was justice," says Jurgen.

  "It may have been justice," Smoit admitted: "but my point is thatit happened to be impossible. However, I was aided by mygreat-great-grandfather Penpingon Vreichvras ap Mylwald Glasanief.He too had the family face; and in every way resembled me soclosely that he impersonated me to everyone's entire satisfaction;and with my wife's assistance re-enacted my disastrous crime uponthe scene of its occurrence, June after June."

  "Indeed," said Queen Sylvia, "he handled his sword infinitely betterthan you, my dear. It was a thrilling pleasure to be murdered byPenpingon Vreichvras ap Mylwald Glasanief, and I shall always regrethim."

  "For you must understand, grandson, that the term of King PenpingonVreichvras ap Mylwald Glasanief's stay in Purgatory has now run out,and he has recently gone to Heaven. That was pleasant for him, Idare say, so I do not complain. Still, it leaves me with no one totake my place. Angels, as you will readily understand, are notpermitted to perpetrate murders, even in the way of kindness. Itmight be thought to establish a dangerous precedent."

  "All this," said Jurgen, "seems regrettable, but not strikinglyexplicit. I have a heart and a half to serve you, sir, with notseven-eighths of a notion as to what you want of me. Come, put aname to it!"

  "You have, as I have said, the family face. You are, in fact, theliving counterpart of Smoit of Glathion. So I beseech you, messiremy grandson, for this one night to impersonate my ghost, and withthe assistance of Queen Sylvia Tereu to see that at three o'clockthe White Turret is haunted to everyone's satisfaction. Otherwise,"said Smoit, gloomily, "the consequences will be deplorable."

  "But I have had no experience at haunting," Jurgen confessed. "It isa pursuit in which I do not pretend to competence: and I do not evenknow just how one goes about it."

  "That matter is simple, although mysterious preliminaries will be,of course, necessitated, in order to convert a living person into aghost--"

  "The usual preliminaries, sir, are out of the question: and I mustpositively decline to be stabbed or poisoned or anything of thatkind, even to humor my grandfather."

  Both Smoit and Sylvia protested that any such radical step would besuperfluous, since Jurgen's ghostship was to be transient. In fact,all Jurgen would have to do would be to drain the embossed gobletwhich Sylvia Tereu held out to him, with Druidical invocations.

  And for a moment Jurgen hesitated. The whole business seemed ratherimprobable. Still, the ties of kin are strong, and it is not oftenone gets the chance to aid, however slightly, one's long-deadgrandfather: besides, the potion smelt very invitingly.

  "Well," says Jurgen, "I am willing to taste any drink once." ThenJurgen drank.

  The flavor was excellent. Yet the drink seemed not to affect Jurgen,at first. Then he began to feel a trifle light-headed. Next helooked downward, and was surprised to notice there was nobody in hisbed. Closer investigation revealed the shadowy outline of a humanfigure, through which the bedclothing had collapsed. This, hedecided, was all that was left of Jurgen. And it gave him a queersensation. Jurgen jumped like a startled horse, and so violentlythat he flew out of bed, and found himself floating imponderablyabout the room.

  Now Jurgen recognized the feeling perfectly. He had often had it inhis sleep, in dreams wherein he would bend his legs at the knees sothat his feet came up behind him, and he would pass through the airwithout any effort. Then it seemed ridiculously simple, and he wouldwonder why he never thought of it before. And then he would reflect:"This is an excellent way of getting around. I will come tobreakfast this way in the morning, and show Lisa how simple it is.How it will astonish her, to be sure, and how clever she will thinkme!" And then Jurgen would wake up, and find that somehow he hadforgotten the trick of it.

  But just now this manner of locomotion was undeniably easy. SoJurgen floated around his bed once or twice, then to the ceiling,for practice. Through inexperience, he miscalculated the necessaryforce, and popped through into the room above, where he foundhimself hovering immediately over the Bishop of Merion. His eminencewas not alone, but as both occupants of the apartment were asleep,Jurgen witnessed nothing unepiscopal. Now Jurgen rejoined hisgrandfather, and girded on charmed Caliburn, and demanded what mustnext be done.

  "The assassination will take place in the White Turret, as usual.Queen Sylvia will instruct you in the details. You can invent mostof the affair, however, as the Lady of the Lake, who occupies thisroom to-night, is very probably unacquainted with our terriblehistory."

  Then King Smoit observed that it was high time he kept hisappointment in Cornwall, and he melted into air, with an easyconfidence that bespoke long practise: and Jurgen followed QueenSylvia Tereu.