Jurgen: A Comedy of Justice

by James Branch Cabell

  35.

  What Grandfather Satan Reported

  Next the tale tells how three inferior devils made a loud music withbagpipes as Jurgen went into the Black House of Barathum, to talkwith Grandfather Satan.

  Satan was like a man of sixty, or it might be sixty-two, in allthings save that he was covered with gray fur, and had horns likethose of a stag. He wore a breech-clout of very dark gray, and hesat in a chair of black marble, on a dais: his bushy tail, which waslike that of a squirrel, waved restlessly over his head as he lookedat Jurgen, without speaking, and without turning his mind from anancient thought. And his eyes were like light shining upon littlepools of ink, for they had no whites to them.

  "What is the meaning of this insane country?" says Jurgen, plungingat the heart of things. "There is no sense in it, and no fairness atall."

  "Ah," replied Satan, in his curious hoarse voice, "you may well saythat: and it is what I was telling my wife only last night."

  "You have a wife, then!" says Jurgen, who was always interested insuch matters. "Why, but to be sure! either as a Christian or as amarried man, I should have comprehended this was Satan's due. Andhow do you get on with her?"

  "Pretty well," says Grandfather Satan: "but she does not understandme."

  "_Et tu, Brute!_" says Jurgen.

  "And what does that mean?"

  "It is an expression connotating astonishment over an event withoutparallel. But everything in Hell seems rather strange, and the placeis not at all as it was rumored to be by the priests and the bishopsand the cardinals that used to be exhorting me in my fine palace atBreschau."

  "And where, did you say, is this palace?"

  "In Noumaria, where I am the Emperor Jurgen. And I need not insultyou by explaining Breschau is my capital city, and is noted forits manufacture of linen and woolen cloth and gloves and cameosand brandy, though the majority of my subjects are engaged incattle-breeding and agricultural pursuits."

  "Of course not: for I have studied geography. And, Jurgen, it isoften I have heard of you, though never of your being an emperor."

  "Did I not say this place was not in touch with new ideas?"

  "Ah, but you must remember that thoughtful persons keep out of Hell.Besides, the war with Heaven prevents us from thinking of othermatters. In any event, you Emperor Jurgen, by what authority do youquestion Satan, in Satan's home?"

  "I have heard that word which the ass spoke with the cat," repliedJurgen; for he recollected upon a sudden what Merlin had shown him.

  Grandfather Satan nodded comprehendingly. "All honor be to Set andBast! and may their power increase. This, Emperor, is how my kingdomcame about."

  Then Satan, sitting erect and bleak in his tall marble chair,explained how he, and all the domain and all the infernalhierarchies he ruled, had been created extempore by Koshchei, tohumor the pride of Jurgen's forefathers. "For they were exceedinglyproud of their sins. And Koshchei happened to notice Earth once upona time, with your forefathers walking about it exultant in theenormity of their sins and in the terrible punishments they expectedin requital. Now Koshchei will do almost anything to humor pride,because to be proud is one of the two things that are impossible toKoshchei. So he was pleased, oh, very much pleased: and after he hadhad his laugh out, he created Hell extempore, and made it just sucha place as your forefathers imagined it ought to be, in order tohumor the pride of your forefathers."

  "And why is pride impossible to Koshchei?"

  "Because he made things as they are; and day and night hecontemplates things as they are, having nothing else to look at.How, then, can Koshchei be proud?"

  "I see. It is as if I were imprisoned in a cell wherein there wasnothing, absolutely nothing, except my verses. I shudder to think ofit! But what is this other thing which is impossible to Koshchei?"

  "I do not know. It is something that does not enter into Hell."

  "Well, I wish I too had never entered here, and now you must assistme to get out of this murky place."

  "And why must I assist you?"

  "Because," said Jurgen, and he drew out the cantrap of the MasterPhilologist, "because at the death of Adrian the Fifth, PedroJuliani, who should be named John the Twentieth, was through anerror in the reckoning elevated to the papal chair as John theTwenty-first. Do you not find my reason sufficient?"

  "No," said Grandfather Satan, after thinking it over, "I cannot saythat I do. But, then, popes go to Heaven. It is considered to lookbetter, all around, and particularly by my countrymen, inasmuch asmany popes have been suspected of pro-Celestialism. So we admit noneof them into Hell, in order to be on the safe side, now that we areat war. In consequence, I am no judge of popes and their affairs,nor do I pretend to be."

  And Jurgen perceived that again he had employed his cantrapincorrectly or else that it was impotent to rescue people fromSatan. "But who would have thought," he reflected, "that GrandfatherSatan was such a simple old creature!"

  "How long, then, must I remain here?" asks Jurgen, after a dejectedpause.

  "I do not know," replies Satan. "It must depend entirely upon whatyour father thinks about it--"

  "But what has he to do with it?"

  "--Since I and all else that is here are your father's absurdnotions, as you have so frequently proved by logic. And it is hardlypossible that such a clever fellow as you can be mistaken."

  "Why, of course, that is not possible," says Jurgen. "Well, thematter is rather complicated. But I am willing to taste any drinkonce: and I shall manage to get justice somehow, even in thisunreasonable place where my father's absurd notions are the truth."

  So Jurgen left the Black House of Barathum: and Jurgen also leftGrandfather Satan, erect and bleak in his tall marble chair, andwith his eyes gleaming in the dim light, as he sat there restivelyswishing his soft bushy tail, and not ever turning his mind from anancient thought.