“It almost wasn’t.”
“What happened?”
I took in a deep breath and then sighed, sitting down on the stool in front of the arrangement I’d just finished.
“He’s drinking.”
Matt blinked and leaned against the counter, looking at me as I saw him searching his mind for what to say to me.
“How do you know?” he finally said.
“I saw some empty beer bottles at his house and he fessed up.”
“Riley,” he said as his mouth formed into a reassuring smile. “He’s eighteen. It’s not uncommon for teenagers to drink.”
“It is for Jesse. He doesn’t drink,” I shot back.
“Things are different know. Maybe he just needed to calm down or something.”
“Are you and Jesse sharing a brain? That’s exactly what he said.”
“Then he’s a smart guy,” Matt smirked.
“This isn’t funny, Matt,” I said, smacking him on the shoulder.
“Seriously, Riley. Relax. I’m sure it’s not anything to worry about.”
I nodded and I turned away. I felt his hand on my shoulder a moment later and he turned my body so I was facing him again and I just started talking.
“Ever since his dad died, things have been so hard. I’ve tried being there for him. I’ve tried doing everything I can, but it’s hard because I realize now he’d rather drown his sorrows in alcohol than talk to me.” I felt my eyes brim with tears and when one escaped, Matt reached over to the counter for a tissue and wiped it away. “It’s like I’m not enough for him anymore and I used to be. I know you know how it feels and it sucks. It’s like every time he takes a step back or when I see him so sad, my heart breaks even more and I don’t know what to do anymore.”
“Riley,” Matt said, pulling me into his arms again. “He loves you.”
“Then why didn’t he tell me about the drinking and why would he want it over me?” I sniffled into his chest.
“I really think you’re worrying way too much about this.” He pulled back and dried my eyes again.
“Really?”
“I do.”
“So you think self-medicating with alcohol is the right thing to do?”
“No. I didn’t say that. It’s not the best way to handle it, but it’s part of the whole process. He’s trying to cope is all and maybe yesterday was what he needed to turn things around.”
The way Matt looked at me told me he really believed what he saying. When our afternoon ended the day before, the air seemed lighter and more hopeful. Maybe Matt was right. Jesse had been mixed up, but maybe things would be different now. I hoped they would be different now.
Chapter Eighteen
I tried putting my worries about Jesse aside and focus on relaxing and having a good time at the fireworks like we’d planned. Mandy had talked incessantly about the fireworks display put on each year at the football field. She insisted that while Carver may be small, its Fourth of July celebration was not. I didn’t tell her this, but I doubted it could compare to the fireworks display on the Charles River back in Boston. My friends and I somehow always managed to con one of our parents to brave the craziness and take us downtown to watch. It was my first year away from Boston for the holiday and part of me was sad I was missing it. Courtney and Natasha had already texted me a picture of them waiting for the fireworks. They looked happy and I missed them, but I was happy being with Jesse tonight.
Mandy insisted we get there early to enjoy all the food beforehand. She told me not to eat all day so I’d have room for everything. I thought she’d been joking, but when we walked up to the food section, I was overwhelmed by all of the choices.
“You weren’t kidding, were you?” I said, turning to look at Mandy.
“I don’t kid about food,” she said and then walked away towards a booth selling funnel cakes. Laura and Brandon quickly followed.
“Maybe we should take something nice and greasy to Holly. I’ll bet that’d go over real nice,” Jesse said with a grin, referring to our friend who was stuck home with some kind of nasty stomach bug.
“I’m sure she’d love that,” I laughed and then I felt him take my hand as he led me over to the booth.
“So, I’ve never had a funnel cake. What exactly is it?” I asked Jesse.
“You’ve never had a funnel cake?” Jesse said, looking at me doubtfully.
“I don’t think so. What is it?”
“It’s just batter that’s fried.”
“So, it’s like a doughboy then.”
“What the heck is a doughboy?” Jesse laughed.
“I think it’s like a funnel cake.”
“Let’s cut the Abbott and Costello routine and order one to find out,” Jesse said, turning to the girl at the counter and asking for one. “So, is it a funnel cake or a doughboy?” he asked after sprinkling some powdered sugar on it and showing me the cake that looked like ribbons of dough.
“Well, I’m not sure. I think it requires further examination,” I said, moving my fingers over it like a surgeon. “Doughboys are one big piece. This appears to have been mutilated in some way.”
“Just take a bite.”
“Ya know, you used to find my sense of humor endearing.”
He tore off a piece of the funnel cake and held it out to me. I opened my mouth and he placed it inside, but not before I bit down on his thumb playfully. He just grinned, looking at me in a way that made me blush.
“You’ve got a little powdered sugar right there,” he said softly, reaching up and touching my upper lip with his thumb, stroking it methodically. “Let me get that for you.”
He leaned in, kissing me gently, but then held onto my upper lip with his for a moment, moving over it slowly with his tongue and I found my heart picking up speed at how turned on I was getting by this one simple gesture. I missed those intimate moments with him. It had been too long and this kiss was not helping matters any. When he pulled back, I was breathless and he knew it. I opened my eyes and he was grinning smugly at me.
“Just so you know, I still find your sense of humor endearing. I find everything about you endearing.”
He could tell I was flustered and I could tell he was enjoying what he did to me.
“I love you,” was all I could say as he looked down on me with eyes that were driving me wild. He just kissed me again and then took my hand.
“C’mon, let’s go catch up with the others.”
Jesse had a way of flustering me like no one else and as we walked through the crowd, I was overly aware of the boy at my side. He always smelled so nice and looked so good, it was hard to keep myself together, especially after he’d kissed me the way he just had. For the first time in a long time, things felt almost normal again. I couldn’t help but smile as we walked and I didn’t notice a man had approached us until Jesse stopped.
“Jesse,” the man began. He looked to be in his mid-forties, with dark hair and glasses. “I’m glad I ran into you. I was going to call you tomorrow.”
“What’s going on?” he asked.
“I need to set up a time to meet with you,” the man said and I was confused.
“Okay,” Jesse said and I noticed the hesitation in his voice. “Is everything okay?”
The man looked over at me and then back to Jesse.
“Would you like to speak in private?” the man asked, his eyes drifting to me again.
“No. You can say whatever you need to in front of her,” he said and I couldn’t help but feel comfort in knowing he was okay with me knowing.
“There’s just some stuff that’s come up that we need to discuss. Give me a call and we can set up a time,” the man said and Jesse nodded. “I’ll see you soon then. Happy Fourth.”
The man nodded in goodbye and then was gone.
“Who was that?”
“Just the probate lawyer,” he said, offering nothing further and he started walking again.
****
Mandy had been right to boast about Carver’
s ability to throw a good Fourth of July celebration. While the fireworks were obviously not as grand as Boston’s, they were still amazing and I stared up into the sky with Jesse at my side. I watched him out of the corner of my eye as the exploding firecrackers illuminated his face. He was watching the sky intently and his mouth was in a straight line. I knew his mind was somewhere else though and he was probably thinking about his dad.
When it was over, it was nearly ten o’clock. My mom didn’t expect me home until midnight and I didn’t want to go home yet. We stood up on the football field while the crowd started to disperse.
“So what’s the plan now?” Brandon asked as we stood around looking at each other.
“You wanna go back to your place and play some pool or something?” Mandy asked, looking over to Jesse.
“No. I think I’m just gonna drop Riley off and then go home and get some sleep,” Jesse answered and I felt my body deflate from disappointment. The night seemed to be going so well and I didn’t want it to end.
“Then I guess we’re calling it a night,” Brandon said, disappointment obvious in his voice.
“We could go to my house,” Mandy suggested. “Watch a movie or something?” Brandon and Laura nodded and then Mandy turned to me. “What about you, Riley?”
I opened my mouth to speak and then I felt Jesse take my hand abruptly. I looked over to him and he was looking back at me with a crease in his brow.
“Um…no thanks. I’m tired too,” I stammered, turning back to my friends and I couldn’t help but notice them looking curiously between Jesse and me.
“Alright, suit yourself,” Brandon said and they began walking towards the parking lot, Jesse and I lagging behind.
“I’m not really tired,” Jesse began as we walked.
“Why’d you say you were?” I asked, but I had a good feeling I knew why he’d said it.
“I didn’t want them to come over,” he said, stopping us in our tracks as he took both my hands and kissed me gently. “I do want you to come over though.”
****
When we got to Jesse’s, I was a little nervous. It had been a quiet drive from the football field back to his house. We both knew why we were going to his place; we’d just never been so overt in our intentions before. It had always been spontaneous, but I could see it in his eyes that he needed me tonight as much as I needed him.
Rocky and Jasper were happy to see us when we walked inside and we pet them for a moment before they took off outside and the house seemed too quiet.
“Do you want something to drink?” he asked and I shook my head.
“No, thanks. I’m good,” I replied and we stood in silence across the room from each other. I didn’t know why my heart was pounding so hard inside my chest. Perhaps it was the way he was looking at me or just the fact that I wanted him so badly, but I didn’t wait for him. I walked slowly across the kitchen floor, our eyes locking as I took his hand and led him deliberately down the hall and into his room. He didn’t say anything as I closed the door behind us, but I could see the rise and fall of his chest as his breathing picked up.
I pulled him towards me, reaching my arms around his neck and kissing him tenderly and slowly, his lips responding just as lovingly. His hands found their way beneath my shirt and I winced at his warm touch. I loved when his hands were on me. His lips left mine and they began tracing paths down my neck and to as much of my collar bone as my shirt would allow.
“Take off your shirt,” he whispered between kisses and I didn’t flinch at his request. Once my shirt was out of the way, his fingers and lips moved over my skin freely as we went to the bed.
“I love you, Riley.” His voice was low and husky and full of need. I would never get tired of hearing those words from him, but his next words caused me to worry. “Whatever happens, remember how much I love you.” He continued moving over my body, but I stopped for a moment wondering what he was implying. I gently urged him to look at me and I could see the sadness in his eyes, the worry, the hurt, but also the love he had for me. He was right though. No matter where we’d been or where we were going, we had this moment together. I pulled him to me and he held me tightly as we lost ourselves in each other.
Chapter Nineteen
It seemed Jesse’s turnaround was short lived because he’d become quieter again and the hanging sadness returned. I thought he’d been okay until I began to notice the furrow in his brow when he didn’t know I was looking. I knew it meant he had something on his mind and I watched as it began to creep onto his face more often than I was comfortable with. It meant he was troubled, but he didn’t tell me anything and whenever I would ask, he’d smile, assuring me he was alright. When I’d ask him again if he was okay, I could hear the annoyance in his voice at my nagging and I had to force myself to let up, even if I wanted to keep questioning him until he came clean. I didn’t ask him if he’d had any more to drink, even though I wanted to. He’d said he wouldn’t do it again and I needed to trust him.
I didn’t talk to any of my friends about it. I knew they were worried about him too because he hadn’t been talking much to any of them. They’d ask me how he was doing, but I couldn’t tell them anything besides he was doing the best he could because that was how I truly felt. None of us had ever experienced anything like Jesse was going through, and even if we had, we’d all have our families to help. He had no one.
Jesse surprised me when Holly suggested we all go out for dinner together and he agreed to go. We hadn’t all hung out since the Fourth of July and I thought it would be fun to get out together. We’d all agreed to meet at the only pizza place in town at seven o’clock. I’d talked to Jesse at lunch time and he said he’d have to come straight from work and might even be a few minutes late, so I should just go without him and he’d catch up with us.
Everyone else was already there when I walked in. They were snacking on breadsticks and sodas and I slid into the booth next to Brandon.
“Where’s your better half?” he asked.
“He said he’d meet us here. I guess he had to stay late for work.”
“How long did he say he’d be? I’m starving,” Brandon whined.
“Let’s just go ahead and order then. He’ll be here soon,” I said and Brandon flagged the waitress down. As we waited for our pizzas, I kept a discreet eye on the door, waiting for Jesse to walk through it.
“None of us have seen Jesse in a while,” Laura pointed out. “Is he okay?”
“Yeah, he’s fine,” I answered flatly, even though I was beginning to doubt that.
“I thought he was doing better. He seemed okay at the fireworks,” Mandy said and I shot a glare at her.
“His dad’s dead. Of course he’s not better,” I snapped and she looked at me like a deer in headlights and I instantly felt terrible. I shouldn’t be taking out my frustration on Mandy. “I’m sorry,” I said, shaking my head. “He’s just not been himself since his dad died, which I totally get, but Jesse’s always the one who has it together, ya know what I mean?” I looked around and they all nodded because they all knew it was true.
Jesse still hadn’t shown up by the time our pizzas came out and it was nearly 7:30 by that point. No one said anything, but I saw them glancing to the door just as I was. I finally said screw it and I pulled out my phone. I thought a text would be less antagonistic than a phone call, so I simply wrote: PIZZA’S HERE. U COMING?
I pieced at my food while I waited for a response that I realized wasn’t coming after a five minute wait. I dialed his number this time and I was surprised when it went straight to voicemail. I hung up and tried again, but it went to voice mail straight away again. I set the phone down and tried ignoring the pit in my stomach.
“You okay, Riley?” Holly asked as she took a bite of pizza.
I didn’t say anything, but then I shook my head as the all too familiar feelings of helplessness and fear started creeping up.
“He should be here by now and he’s not answering his phone or texts.�
��
I didn’t like the way they all were looking at me, because they all looked as worried as I felt.
“I think we should swing by the shop and see if he’s there. If not, we should go out to his house,” Brandon suggested and everyone nodded in agreement. We finished our pizza, but I noticed everyone’s appetites had dwindled once I’d told them I couldn’t get a hold of Jesse. We didn’t even bother boxing up the leftovers. It was so warm out it would go bad by the time we drove out to Jesse’s and back.
We went by the shop, but the parking lot was empty and the building was dark. We caravanned out to Jesse’s place and I was grateful not to have anyone riding with me because I didn’t feel like talking.
I felt my heart sink when I saw his Jeep out front. I was relieved that we’d found him, but I didn’t like the feeling of knowing he’d blown off our evening. It was not a good sign because it wasn’t like him and my stomach started to hurt.
I parked next to the Wagoneer and stepped out nervously. Rocky and Jasper came bounding out of the doggie door and we stopped to pet them for a moment before we went to the door. Brandon went first, knocking to be polite, and then he opened the door and we filed inside. It seemed like every light in the house was on and I could hear music playing loudly from the stereo in the living room. We all looked at each curiously for a moment before Brandon spoke up.
“Jesse?” Brandon called out. “You here, man?”
We all waited a few moments for a response and then I heard the sound of heavy footsteps coming up the hall. Jesse appeared a moment later, looking completely different than I’d ever seen him. He was wearing nothing but a pair of jeans, his taut stomach available for everyone to see. His hair was a mess and not in the charming way it sometimes was. It looked as if he’d been tugging on it for hours. Even from across the room I could see his eyes were bloodshot and he didn’t look happy to see us. He glared at us, but then a crooked smile spread across his face.
“Hello friends,” he said with a dark laugh, his speech slow and slurred. “What the hell brings y’all way out here?”
Far From Home Page 13