“What’s wrong with you, dude?” Brandon said, eyeing his friend.
“Nothing,” he bellowed. “Not a damn thing! I’m great. Fucking great. Why wouldn’t I be?”
We all stood there like statues staring at him. I wanted to go to him, but I’d never seen Jesse like this and it scared me.
Brandon walked closer to him, but then stopped a couple of feet away.
“Are you drunk?” he scoffed.
“Hell no, I’m not drunk.”
“You smell like an entire liquor store exploded on you,” Brandon continued and I tried to bite back the tears forming in my eyes at the sight of seeing Jesse this way.
“Okay,” Jesse said with a laugh. “Maybe I had a few drinks.”
Even though I knew he was drunk, it sounded worse when he admitted it, especially because he’d assured me he wouldn’t do it anymore and that it wasn’t a problem. He’d obviously lied though and he was totally hammered.
“You’ve had more than a few drinks. You’re tanked,” Brandon said and he didn’t sound happy. No one liked this Jesse. Brandon was the goof off. Jesse was the one who kept him grounded, not the other way around.
“Fuck off, Brandon!” Jesse said, giving him a shove so he stepped back. Brandon turned to me and I looked at him, begging him to take it easy on Jesse. Brandon came back to where the rest of us were standing and then Jesse glared at our group. “In fact, why don’t you all fuck off? I didn’t invite you over! You didn’t even knock. You just barged in here! I walk into my kitchen and see y’all standing here, staring at me like there’s something wrong with me! Now get the fuck out!”
None of us moved though and I finally got my footing back and stepped towards him.
“Jesse, please,” I said softly, reaching my hand out to him, but he shooed it away.
“And this one,” he said with a wicked laugh and pointing at me in a way that frightened me. “She won’t leave me alone at all. She’s always there, always calling, always in my business. Shit! She’s always around! Give it a fucking break, Riley!”
“Enough, Jesse! You’re being a total dick,” Brandon said in a deep protective voice as he started towards me, but I looked at him and held my hand out so he wouldn’t come any closer.
“Why don’t you guys go wait outside,” I said quietly to my friends. They didn’t want to go and none of them moved. “Please. We’ll be okay. Just wait outside, okay?” I looked at them pleadingly and they finally left, leaving just Jesse and I in the kitchen. I’d never been so nervous to be around him, but as I stood a few feet away from him, my heart was pounding and I had to swallow hard to get the forming lump in my throat to disappear.
“Why are you still here?” he asked coldly.
“I’m here because I love you,” I said, stepping closer to him, so only a foot or so separated us.
“That’s not what I hear.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You know what I heard today?” he said sloppily.
“What’d you hear?”
“That you were out with another guy a couple of weeks ago.”
“What?”
“Someone saw you having lunch with another guy.”
“I really hope you didn’t get yourself plastered because of that.”
“So it’s true?”
“Yes, but not how you think. He’s my co-worker.”
“Matt Campbell. Yeah, I know,” he sneered. “And you didn’t even bother to tell me.”
“It was nothing. We just went to lunch. I didn’t tell you because there was nothing to tell.”
“Sure,” he mocked and I stared at him, folding my arms.
“Jealously doesn’t suit you,” I said flatly and our eyes met for a moment before he broke our gaze and turned, stumbling into the living room. I followed and my eyes went immediately to the coffee table, which was littered with all kinds of alcohol. “How much did you drink?” I gasped, realizing just how drunk he really was.
“That’s none of your business,” he sneered, his voice slurring as he picked up a beer bottle and taking a long swig.
I couldn’t help myself and before I realized what I was doing, I’d crossed the room and grabbed the bottle out of his hands, setting it forcefully back down on the coffee table. Jesse’s stare was icy and I felt the pit in my stomach growing exponentially.
“Go home, Riley.” His voice was low and cold and serious.
“I’m not going home.”
“You need to leave.”
“No,” I said firmly and our eyes locked.
“What are you not understanding? I. Don’t. Want. You. Here.” The way he annunciated each syllable stung my heart and I tried telling myself he didn’t mean it. He was drunk. He was obviously fighting a depression I hadn’t been aware of and it scared me.
“You said you weren’t going to drink anymore,” I said, ignoring his demand that I leave.
“Newsflash, Riley,” he spat sarcastically. “I lied.”
I stood there, fighting the tears that wanted to come. My throat burned and I folded my arms as I tried to stay calm. His words cut right through me though and they stung into my heart.
“Don’t look at me like that,” he jeered and I just continued to stare at him. “I’m not your Prince Charming. I’m a fuck up, Riley. When are you gonna realize that? I’m a piece of shit.”
I hated hearing his self-depreciating words and I knew it was the alcohol talking.
“Why are you doing this?” I demanded, my voice finally rising.
“I just needed something tonight!” he shouted at me. “Now, back the fuck off and leave me alone!”
Jesse never raised his voice to me and the way his eyes pierced mine, scared me as if I were on the verge of losing him.
“I told you,” I said firmly. “I’m not leaving. I won’t leave you. I love you, Jesse and no matter how hard you try and push me away, I’m not going anywhere.”
I clutched his arm and turned him to me, our eyes meeting and I could see the pain as his filled with tears. He grabbed me then, crashing me against his chest as he buried his face in my hair and he sobbed loudly.
“I’m so scared, Riley. So damn scared,” he cried through muffled sobs as I held him, never feeling so helpless in my life. All I could do was hold onto him as he let go of everything and it broke my heart.
“C’mon,” I said gently a few minutes later, leading him into his bedroom. Due to the release of emotion combined with the alcohol, he was barely able to walk at this point, but he did with my support. I grabbed the t-shirt off his bed and slid it over his head. He was hardly able to keep his eyes open and I felt like I was dressing a giant child with how limp his body was. “Let’s go,” I said calmly once his shirt was on. He didn’t resist and I helped him outside to where our worried friends waited by their cars. They all looked surprised to see a dazed Jesse with me. I was grateful they’d only heard a handful of the hateful things he’d said to me. To them, Jesse and I were infallible. It was becoming apparent we weren’t.
Brandon walked over quickly to help me support Jesse as we got him down the stairs.
“I’m taking him to my house. Can you help me get him in my car?” I asked and Brandon and I led him over to my Jetta. He got in easily and he appeared to have passed out the moment we shut the door, his head resting against the glass.
“Are you okay?” Brandon asked tenderly and I nodded, but not before a tear finally escaped. I’d been trying so hard to hold them back so Jesse wouldn’t think I was weak. Brandon pulled me into his embrace and I cried for a moment while he held me. “Jess is lucky to have you,” he said sweetly, so unlike the sarcastic Brandon I was accustomed to. I didn’t say anything, but just smiled up at him and pulled back, looking over to Laura, Holly and Mandy.
“Why don’t you guys go on home? Brandon and I will get Jesse settled at my house and I’ll try and figure out what happened tomorrow. I don’t think I’ll get anything out of him tonight.”
“Are
you sure we can’t come and help?” Laura asked.
“We’ve got it, but thanks,” I said, looking each of them in the eye.
“Please keep us posted,” Holly pleaded and I nodded, before heading back to my car.
When I got into the driver’s side, I glanced at Jesse before backing the car onto the road. He looked sweet as his long, deep breaths filled the silence of the car. How could I have missed how bad it was really getting for him? It was then I realized how terrible a feeling guilt truly is and even though I knew he wouldn’t be aware of it, I held his hand the whole way home.
When we got to my house, I nudged him gently until his eyes fluttered open. He remained groggy, but at least he was able to move his feet as Brandon and I shuffled him onto the porch. My mom’s eyes got wide when she saw the state Jesse was in.
“What happened?” she gasped, practically jumping up from the chair where she’d been reading a book.
“I don’t know,” I began. “He didn’t show up at the pizza place, so we all went to check on him and we found him completely wasted. Something must be really wrong, Mom.”
“Let’s get him into bed,” she said and Brandon and I went to the stairs.
Jesse was cognizant so he was able to help us a little. It was still difficult getting all six foot two of him up the stairs though. My mom pulled back the covers and we laid him down, jeans and all, into the bed. My mom looked down to remove his shoes, but she quickly realized he didn’t have any on and then pulled the blankets back over him. He was asleep again the moment his head hit the pillow and we all filed out of the guest bedroom, turning off the light and closing the door as we left. We stood huddled in the hallway, staring at the floor as we all processed what we’d just witnessed.
“I didn’t know Jesse drank,” my mom said, raising her eyes to meet mine.
“He doesn’t. Not really,” I answered quickly, thinking it best not to bring up I’d caught him before. With everything else, Jesse didn’t need my mother doubting him.
“He’s doesn’t, Mrs. Regas,” Brandon assured her as well.
“Do you know what happened to cause this kind of reaction then?”
“No. No idea. He’s obviously way more depressed than I realized.”
“Than any of us realized. Don’t put this all on you, Riley,” Brandon said quickly, but I couldn’t help thinking it was partly my fault since I knew he’d been drinking.
“Let’s just let him rest and talk to him in the morning,” my mom said, encouraging us to head back downstairs. “He’s going to have one heck of a hangover.” We all laughed a little to ease the mood. It was true. He’d be miserable in the morning.
“Thanks for helping me,” I said, turning to Brandon.
“If you need anything else, just call,” he said and I nodded. “I mean that, Riley.”
“I know you do and I will,” I said as Brandon leaned in and hugged me. “Wow, two hugs in one night,” I laughed. “You must be getting soft, Brandon.”
“Me, soft? Never,” he said sweetly, hugging me again and then turning and walking outside to go home.
My mom and I stood quietly in the kitchen as we watched Brandon’s headlights fade off into the distance.
“Jesse’s a good boy who’s just been dealt a bad hand. I’m not excusing how he behaved tonight, but I can see his need to just shut it all off.”
“It’s just hard to see him like this. He’s always been the strong one. Just look how he stuck by me when everything happened with Alex. He had more faith in me than I ever did. I just wish he had faith in himself right now,” I said softly and then I felt my mom’s arms around me and I hugged her back.
“Loving someone is not always easy,” she said gently in my ear and I closed my eyes, realizing how painfully true her statement was.
Chapter Twenty
I knew Jesse was awake when I heard him heaving in the bathroom. It sounded as if he were dying and as my eyes opened, I wondered if I should just stay in bed or go check on him. I glanced at the clock. It was 7:45, but it seemed much earlier. I turned my head towards the window and saw the sky was gray and dark and beads of water drizzled down the window pane. I hadn’t realized it was raining, which meant I must’ve been out cold throughout the night.
I heard Jesse lurch again and then the sound of the toilet flushing. I pulled the covers back and walked slowly to the bathroom. The door was closed and I raised my hand, knocking hesitantly. It opened and Jesse stood before me looking even worse than he did the night before. To say his hair was disheveled would be being polite. It was an all-out mess with masses of dark bunches sticking up every which way. He looked exhausted with giant purple circles under his eyes and I could still smell the alcohol on him. When our eyes met, he looked embarrassed and he couldn’t hold my gaze for long before he looked down at the floor.
“Hey,” I said softly.
“Morning,” he said, his voice even lower than mine.
“Did you wanna take a shower? I can get you a towel.”
“Um, yeah,” he said, running a hand quickly through his hair, trying to tame it. “That’d be good.”
I walked across the hall and pulled a towel and wash cloth from the linen closet and then handed it to him.
“Thanks,” was all he said and closed the door. I stood there for a moment before I went back into my room to wait for him. I didn’t know what we would say to each other when he got done in the shower. I wanted to jump in and ask him about the night before. I needed to know what had happened to bring him to this point. I needed to know why he hadn’t come to me. I had to know how I could help him.
It seemed like he was in the shower forever and when I heard the water shut off and the door open a few minutes later, I found myself holding my breath. I heard his footsteps and I turned to see him hovering hesitantly outside my room. His hair was still wet and I couldn’t help but think how adorable he was, even hung over.
“You can come in,” I encouraged and he took a few steps, stopping momentarily in the doorframe before coming in all the way. I was sitting at the head of my bed, Indian style, holding a pillow in my lap. He sat at the foot of the bed and folded his hands as his elbows rested on his knees. “How’re you feeling?” I continued.
“Like hell.”
“You look like hell,” I said as our eyes met, his mouth still formed into a sad line.
“My head is pounding,” he said, rubbing his temples and then he turned to me. “What the heck happened last night?”
“You don’t remember?”
“Bits and pieces. I remember seeing you and Brandon and everyone else and then there was some yelling or something and I remember getting into your car and then waking up here. It took me a second to realize where I was.”
“Well, you were pretty hammered last night. It looked like you drained the entire liquor cabinet.”
It was quiet for a moment as he brushed a piece of damp hair off his forehead and then he stared down at the floor.
“I never wanted you to see me like this, Riley. How bad was it?” he sighed and he must’ve noticed the expression on my face because I remembered it entirely too well. “I don’t like that look, Ry. What did I do?”
“It doesn’t matter,” I said, not wanting to rehash how awful last night had been.
“It does matter,” he said firmly. “What did I do?”
“Jesse, what good is it gonna do to go through all of this? Let’s just move past it.”
“I can tell by the look on your face it was bad last night.”
I breathed in deeply, not wanting to tell him the way he’d treated us…the way he’d treated me, but I knew he wanted to know and if he wanted to know, I’d have to tell him.
“I know you didn’t mean any of it,” I began, but then I suddenly wondered if maybe he had meant some of it. He may have been drunk, but what he said had to stem from somewhere. There had to be a little truth to his words.
“Don’t sugarcoat it,” he interrupted. “Just tell me wh
at I did.”
“Well,” I began and I started to chuckle a little. “You began by telling us all to F off.”
I saw him sit back and then a little grin spread over his face.
“I said that to you guys? The actual word?”
“You sure did. You would’ve been proud of yourself at how effectively you dropped the F bomb. The way it was peppered throughout your sentences was very dramatic,” I said with a quiet laugh.
“I can’t believe I did that. I must’ve been pretty pissed,” he said with an embarrassed smile.
“You were more than pretty pissed,” I said and then both of our smiles faded, knowing it really wasn’t a situation we should be joking about.
“You’re right. Maybe I don’t want to hear about what an asshole I was last night,” he said and then it was quiet between us for a moment as he cautiously took my hand in his and I clutched it tightly. It had been too long since I’d felt his hand in mine and I didn’t want to let go.
“What happened last night?” I asked putting the pillow aside and moving next to him on the bed.
“I don’t know. I guess it just became too much.”
“Why didn’t you talk to me? I’ve tried showing you I’m here for you, but you just keep pushing me away. I want to help you, Jesse.”
“But you can’t.”
“Yes, I can…if you’ll let me, but you won’t let me and I don’t know why you won’t let me.”
“Because there are just some things you can’t help with, no matter how badly you want to.”
“Did something happen?” I asked bluntly. “I mean, not that long ago you were throwing pebbles at my window and we were having fun, but lately…lately you’ve been…you’ve just been so different. You seemed so hopeful that night you showed up under my window.”
I heard Jesse sigh and he straightened his back, turning to look at me.
“I was hopeful.”
“Was? As in you’re not now?” I asked nervously.
“Like I said, there are just certain things you can’t do anything about and I’ve got to figure out how to deal with it on my own.”
Far From Home Page 14