We decided to take a break and I headed to the snack bar. Brandon, Holly and Mandy decided to go play some games in the arcade and I was waiting in line to get a drink when I heard my name.
“Riley?” I spun around and saw Matt standing there, holding a paper cup in one hand while the other hand was stuffed in the pocket of his K-State hoodie. “Hi, Matt,” I said, smiling over to him.
“You here alone?” he asked, looking around.
“No. My friends are inside. I’m just getting a drink. What about you?”
“My friends are inside too. I came out to get a drink,” he said, gesturing toward the cup and then paused for a moment as he looked around. “Is Jesse here?”
“No,” I said, trying not to sound too sullen. I hadn’t told Matt how things had been lately, but I could tell he understood just from my answer.
It was my turn to order and I glanced up at the selection for a second before asking the cashier for a cherry slushy. When she handed me my cup, I reached into my pocket for my money, but Matt slapped a five dollar bill on the counter before I could get it.
“Seriously?” I laughed, trying to tug it away from him, but he held onto it tightly, finally gaining full control of it and practically throwing it at the cashier, who was laughing too.
“Keep the change,” he called to the girl as he pulled my arm, dragging me away from the counter before I could protest again.
I slapped at him playfully when we were away from the crowd.
“You didn’t need to do that,” I said, taking a sip of the slushy. “But, thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” he said and we just started walking.
“Have you heard from Taryn?” I asked a few moments later.
“We talked yesterday.”
“How was that?”
“I dunno. She seemed busy so we didn’t get to talk much. Only about a month to go, right?”
“That’s a good way to think of it,” I said and then paused, realizing that was true for both of us. Soon Jesse and I would be at K-State and maybe our lives would normalize a little.
“How’re things with Jesse? I don’t mean to pry, but you look a little down.”
“We’re doing okay. He’s busy trying to work everything out. There’s so much for him to deal with. The house, his dad’s business, paying bills. He’s overwhelmed,” I told him and then paused, taking in a deep breath before continuing. “I actually found him totally wasted the other night.”
“So…the drinking wasn’t a one-time shot then?”
“No. It was bad, Matt. Really bad.”
“Do you think he’ll be okay?”
“I really don’t know. I’m worried about him.”
“I’m sure you are,” he said, shaking his head.
“It’s crazy. I’m just anxious for the summer to be over and we can move on to college and then maybe things will settle.”
“I think it will,” Matt said and I sipped on my slushy as we continued to walk in silence for a little while until he spoke. “Perhaps a game of air hockey will brighten your mood. You wanna go inside and play a game?”
“Air hockey? I haven’t played that in forever.”
“Well, I’m pretty good, so if you’re scared to play me or something, I understand,” he taunted.
“I’m not scared. Bring it on,” I laughed and followed him into the arcade.
I went over to claim one of the air hockey tables while Matt went to get some tokens. Holly spied me and walked over.
“Did I just see you walk in with Matt Campbell?” she asked.
“Yeah. We work together. I ran into him at the snack bar. We’re just gonna play a quick game. Are you guys ready to get back to golf?”
“No. Mandy and Brandon are in a pretty intense battle of ski ball. I’m not sure how long they’ll be at it,” she said and I couldn’t help but laugh.
Matt walked over to us then and smiled over to Holly.
“Hey, Holly,” he said and I was surprised for a moment, but then remembered this was Carver. Everyone knew everyone here.
“Hi Matt. How’s college?”
“It’s good. Where’re you headed in the fall?”
“K-State with Riley and Jesse…her boyfriend,” she said and I knew she intentionally emphasized the word boyfriend.
“I’m well aware of Riley and Jesse’s plans. I hope to see you up there.”
“Same here,” she said cooly and then turned to me. “Meet up with us when you’re done.” She shot me a warning glance and I had to stifle a laugh at her protective manner.
“That was interesting,” Matt said once Holly was gone. “I do believe she’s under the impression I’m trying to pick you up.”
“Wait? You’re not?” I laughed and he just grinned back. “Let’s play.”
“Be prepared to be crushed.”
“Don’t be so sure of yourself,” I said as Matt put two tokens in and I felt the table humming with life.
Matt was right. He was very good and he annihilated me during the first round. I was glad he hadn’t taken it easy on me, but I wanted a chance to redeem myself.
“I’m rusty. Let’s go again,” I said after my loss and Matt gladly put in two more tokens. I was much better as the second round began. I was really getting into it and I burst out laughing, something I hadn’t done in what felt like forever, when I pushed at the puck so hard it caught air and went flying over Matt’s head.
“Having fun?” A voice I’d know anywhere broke through my laughter, which immediately silenced when I saw Jesse walking towards me. He looked as gorgeous as ever in dark jeans and the Red Sox shirt I’d bought him. Jesse grew up a Royals fan with a belief that Red Sox fans were obnoxious, so he wore it begrudgingly, only to make me happy. Then my eyes drifted to our matching Converse and I didn’t even have to think about it. I put down my paddle and wrapped my arms around him. It had been too long since I’d held him.
“What are you doing here?” I said into his ear as we hugged.
“I changed my mind.”
“I’m glad you did,” I said, pulling away and smiling up at him before noticing his eyes were drifting over to Matt.
“I’m not interrupting, am I?” he said, his voice flat and cool.
“No, don’t be ridiculous,” I said, reaching up and pushing his face back so our eyes met again.
“Are you sure?” His eyebrow rose smugly and I tried pushing down the anger that was migrating to the surface.
“Like I told you the night you were hammered, jealously isn’t a good look for you.” My voice was serious and he seemed to relax. He took my hand and turned to face Matt.
“Jesse, right?” Matt said cheerfully as he approached us, but I could still see the uneasiness on his face.
Matt stuck his hand out and Jesse shook it, but I felt him hold my hand tighter as he took Matt’s with his free one.
“Hey,” was all he said and Matt nodded.
“I was sorry to hear about your dad.”
“Thanks,” he replied shortly and it grew awkwardly quiet.
“I guess we’ll have to finish our game another time, Matt,” I said, but then added, “Or we could just call this one in my favor. I am winning right now.”
“I’ll let you have this one, so I guess we’re tied then.”
“I could leave if you two wanna play,” Jesse smirked, but I watched as his eyes focused on Matt and the whole situation was becoming more uncomfortable.
“I’ll see you at work on Monday,” Matt said, looking over to me and I smiled nervously to him.
“Okay.”
“It was good to see you, Jesse,” Matt said.
“You too,” Jesse replied and Matt turned and walked away.
“Could you have been any ruder?” I asked once we were alone.
“I was perfectly pleasant.”
“No, you weren’t.”
He looked annoyed and so was I. I knew Jesse had a jealous streak, I did too, but I’d already told him about Matt
and he’d acted cold towards him.
“It was totally obvious you were jealous.”
“Of course I’m jealous,” he snapped back.
“You have no reason to be jealous.”
“How would you react? I walk in to surprise you and I see you laughing it up with another guy. What if that was me with another girl?”
“I’m not having this conversation, Jesse,” I said firmly. “I was playing a game with a friend because my boyfriend turned me down tonight when I asked him to come.”
“That’s not fair, Riley.”
“I think it is fair. What’s not fair is that you only want me around at your convenience. I’ve been patient. I’ve been understanding. I’ve done everything you’ve asked me to do, but once again, it’s the wrong thing. I wanted to be with you tonight, but you make the rules on when we can hang out. You said you needed space and that’s what I’ve given you, even though it’s killing me. So why don’t you just go home? I need some space from you on my terms.”
I walked over to the air hockey table where I’d left my slushy, picked up the cup and headed towards the door. I was just about to open it, when I felt his hand on my arm. I took a deep breath, trying to fight the tears I felt brewing in the backs of my eyes. When I turned around, he was looking at me pleadingly.
“Please don’t go,” he said softly as our eyes locked. “Please stay.”
I could never stay mad when he looked at me with his soft, gray eyes. The way he looked at me told me he needed me and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel the same way. When I didn’t walk out the door, he pulled me gently out of the walkway so we wouldn’t block the flow of traffic, into a corner, which offered a little more privacy.
“When you texted me tonight, I did want to stay home. I’m exhausted, Riley. I’ve been dealing with so much crap, but, then I realized how much I missed you and I decided to come. I just didn’t expect to find you with Matt. It took me by surprise is all. I’m sorry for being a jerk, but please don’t let it ruin our night.”
I stared up at him, pondering what I should do. I’d been elated when I saw him walk in, but then he pissed me off the way he acted around Matt. It wasn’t so much that he had been rude to my friend, but also that he had questioned my loyalty to him.
“I think it’s best if you just go home,” I said, surprising even myself with my response.
“What?” he asked flatly, obviously taken aback by my reply.
“You said you were tired. Go home and get some sleep.”
“Riley, I’m sorry.”
“I know you’re sorry. You’re always sorry, but you made your choice when you said you were too tired to go out. Now, just go home and while you’re there, why don’t you think about how you react when you see me with other people. I was just hanging out with my friends. I just ran into Matt here. It wasn’t planned or anything. How could you even think I’d do anything behind your back?”
“I don’t,” he said quickly.
“Yes, you do. Now just go.”
“Are you serious?”
“I am. I’ll see you later,” I said and I knew I was about to lose the battle with the tears I was fighting. Before he could try and stop me again, I brushed by him and ducked into the women’s restroom. I knew he couldn’t follow me in there, even though a part of me wanted him too. I didn’t want to play games with him, but he needed to know how I was feeling. He needed to know how his actions affected other people.
I locked myself in a stall, the tears coming silently as I buried my head in my hands. Telling him to leave was one of the hardest things I’d ever done, especially when all I’d been craving was time with him. He’d come to me and I’d sent him away.
I stayed in the bathroom until the tears had stopped and my eyes were no longer red and puffy. As I was walking out, I heard my phone beep. I pulled it out of my pocket to find a text from Holly asking where I was. I told her I’d meet her by the ski ball.
She and Mandy were standing there, but Brandon wasn’t around. They were both looking at me curiously.
“You okay?” Holly asked when I got to them.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I said, trying to sound chipper. “Where’s Brandon?”
“He left with Jesse,” Mandy answered. “What happened with you guys?”
I just sighed, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear.
“I just needed to be by myself.”
“Isn’t that what you’ve been trying to avoid?” Mandy asked.
“Yes, but you guys don’t get how hard this has been. He got all jealous because I was playing air hockey with Matt. I didn’t like it.”
“His dad just died, Riley,” Holly said in a tone I’d never heard her use with me before. “You should try and be more understanding.”
“Are you serious, Holly? I have tried to be understanding. All I’ve been is understanding and he wanted space. You don’t know what it feels like to be constantly pushed away by the person you love the most. I’m not a doormat, not even to him.”
They both stared at me in silence. They’d been close to Jesse long before I was. They loved him. I understood their protectiveness towards him, but I wished they would show some compassion for me as well.
“Jesse’s been pushing us away too,” Holly said softly. “I know it’s nothing compared to how you must be feeling, but it hurts. I’m sorry for jumping on you like that.”
“Me too,” Mandy added and I just nodded as we grew quiet again.
“What’d Brandon say when he left?” I asked a moment later.
“Just that he was going to Jesse’s place. They didn’t ask us to come.”
“Whatever,” I said, folding my arms across my chest.
“Do you think we should just call it a night?” Mandy asked, stating the obvious. We all knew the fun was over.
“Can you give us a ride home since our ride ditched us?” I asked, turning to Holly. She nodded and we headed to the parking lot.
Chapter Twenty-Two
When I told Jesse to leave the arcade, it was a moment of strength that didn’t last long. I went home, going directly upstairs after a quick hello to my mom, who was back from her evening out with Jack. She knew something was wrong and asked me if I wanted to talk. I’d told her no and went to my room, crawling into bed, hoping he’d call or text or something, but when the phone was silent all night, I began to wonder if I’d made a mistake. Maybe I shouldn’t have pushed him away. Maybe I should’ve just accepted his apology and spent the rest of the night together. It would’ve beaten waking up nervous and worried with a pit in my stomach.
When I got to work the next day, Matt was already there. Jill had gone to the bank, so it was just us in the shop. We didn’t talk much as we worked. I was distracted and focused my attention on my job so I wouldn’t think about Jesse.
“Remember that music festival I was telling you about?” Matt asked a while later and I looked up at him through the flowers I was arranging and nodded. “It’s this Sunday. Did you and Jesse still wanna come?”
“Yeah, I definitely want to. I’ll have to double check with Jesse though. I’ll get back to you on that,” I said, wondering when I was even going to speak to Jesse again.
“I’m not trying to be nosey,” he began.
“But I take it you’re going to be anyway,” I said, raising an eyebrow at him and he laughed softly.
“Yeah, I guess I am.”
“Go ahead then,” I said, cutting the stem of a rose before sliding it into the vase.
“I saw you leave on Saturday night,” he said and then paused. “Without Jesse.”
“You saw correctly.”
“Wanna talk about it?”
“Not really,” I said, focusing back on the flowers for a few moments, before setting the rose I’d been working with back on the counter and then sighed before I started talking. “I got pissed at him because he was acting all jealous about us playing air hockey.”
“I sensed he wasn’t happy.”
“No, you didn’t. You stood up for yourself.”
“I know that, but I should be more sensitive to what he’s going through.”
“You are sensitive, but he needs to know how you’re feeling.”
“That’s what I was hoping for. I was hoping it’d knock some sense into him, but obviously it hasn’t because I haven’t heard from him.”
“Did you call him?”
“No.”
“Well, in all fairness, you did tell him you needed space. Maybe that’s what he’s giving you.”
“Well,” I stuttered. “Yeah, I told him that, but he should still call me or something.”
Matt started laughing and I looked over at him with annoyance.
“You girls are all the same. You say one thing, but really mean the other.”
“No, I don’t,” I said defensively.
“You told him you needed space when what you really wanted was for him to come chasing after you, begging your forgiveness.”
I just glared at Matt, mostly because he was partly correct. I had wanted to give Jesse a taste of his own medicine, but I didn’t expect him to just disappear.
“You know I’m right,” Matt said playfully.
“I’ll admit there’s a little part of me that wanted that, but I was genuinely pissed off.”
“No doubt you were.”
“So, what do you think I should do?”
“That’s up to you. You’ve got to ask yourself what you ultimately want out of your relationship with Jesse.”
“Well, that’s easy. I wanna be with him.”
“Then I think you have your answer.”
****
I was tired of this game. It had been the same thing since Jesse’s dad died: something happened to cause tension between us, we said we were sorry, we were okay for a little while, and then something else happened, starting the whole process all over again. And here we were again, doing the same thing. I just wanted to be done with it. I wanted Jesse back.
After work, I drove by his shop. I was surprised to see his Jeep wasn’t there since it was only 5:30. I turned my Jetta around and headed to his house. The Wagoneer was there and I saw lights on inside. I pulled my car alongside his and walked nervously up to the door. I knocked quickly and a moment later, I heard shuffling in the kitchen and then the door opened. Jesse stood there in front of me. I expected him to smile when he saw me, but he didn’t. He looked tired.
Far From Home Page 16